Choking Game (8 page)

"You're right. She does sound like a poet."

~I told you so!~

"Did you tell your mom how miserable you were?"

~Good question! Asking about feelings! I didn't think you had it in you!~

"No. She had her hands full. They weren't married. Mom, my sister and I lived in his house, and I'm sure he could have kicked us out if Mom got out of line," Angelica said.

"What do you mean? He kept you in line? What's that all about?"

~Wow! Those questions just keep on coming! I'm proud of you, MJ!~

"My mom's very pretty. I think he kept her because he could show off with her at work or at business dinners. That's all. I wasn't his kid; he never liked me. And I don't think he cared all that much about my sister, even though she was his kid," Angelica said.

~So, her mom is very pretty. That explains why Angelica's so pretty.~

"He gave Mom very little money, and she had to do everything exactly the way he wanted. He could be a very angry man if Mom or I didn't listen." Angelica lowered her gaze and bit her lower lip.

"What did he do?" Luke asked.

Angelica looked straight into Luke's eyes. "Mom got a few good slaps. I never understood why she didn't just get out of there. She told me later she was scared because she had nowhere to go."

"So your mom just took it?" Luke said.

"Yeah, she drove me crazy," Angelica said.

"Did you do anything?" Luke said.

"Yep!" Angelica nodded. "One time I called him an asshole after my mom took off for a drive all mad after getting hit for some ridiculous reason."

"What did he do?" Luke asked.

"He slapped me so hard, I had an imprint of his hand on my face for the rest of the day," Angelica said.

"What? He hit you?"

~You sound really emotional. Are you okay?~

"At least I got a chance to pay my mother back," Angelica said.

"What do you mean?" Luke asked.

"By the time she came back, I had all my stuff packed and demanded we move away."

"Holy smoke! You really did that?"

~She has guts! That's one thing you and Luke don't.~

"Shut up. I'm talking to her, not you."

"Did you move away?" Luke asked.

"Of course not." Angelica made a face. "Mom didn't want to believe the asshole slapped me even though my face was all red."

"Are you serious?"

~Of course she's serious! Why would she make up a thing like that about her own mother? Ouch! That's bad!~

"I'm sorry, Angelica," Luke said.

"It's okay, Luke." Angelica gave him a crooked smile. "That's all in the past. It wasn't that bad. I could handle it. The good thing is, my mom eventually came to her senses, and we moved away."

"Where did you go?" Luke asked.

"A few months later we moved to my mom's parents. They live in upstate New York, near Albany. They don't have the best relationship with my mom, but it was still better than being slapped around by some screwed up jackass who thinks he owns her like a car or something."

"Is that where you lived before you came here? Upstate New York?" Luke asked.

"Yes. We didn't stay long. It was boring, and Mom wanted to get a fresh start. It helped that she got a job offer from her former company, and they practically paid her to move here. That's it. That's the story of my life." Angelica shrugged and bowed her head.

THIRTEEN

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
how can you say you know me if even I have no clue who I am

~I know where this is going. I like it.~

"You do? Where do you think I'm going?"

~Second thoughts?~

"Not so fast. I just like the way Angelica talks. She's so open and honest. I like to listen to her."

~We're still here in her house you know. Maybe she'll want you to talk next. Are you ready?~

"Of course not. I'm not going to talk about myself."

~Bummer. I thought I liked where this was going. Well, at least I'll hashtag your tweet.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
how can you say you know me if even I have no clue who I am #confusedteenager #doubt #friendship #honesty #life #school

"Now you know my life in a nutshell. What about you, MJ? Are you going to tell me about yourself?" Angelica said.

"Hm, there's not much to tell."

~I knew it! Who are you hiding from? You said so yourself—you liked her honesty and her openness. Why can't you open up to her?~

"You mean you lived your whole life and there's absolutely nothing worth telling us about?" Angelica said.

~C'mon! Say something! You're being rude!~

"What are you afraid of?" Angelica said.

"I'm not afraid of anything. I'm just..."

~You're just what? A loner? Psycho?~

"Okay, I'm a loner. I don't like to talk about myself. I'm not like you, Angelica. I don't like to open up to people. Why do you do it anyway?"

~How could you say something like that to her? How could you ask her why she opened up to you? That's not just rude! That's crazy!~

"Why?" Angelica said. "You two are the only people I met in school so far who seem interesting enough for me to want to be your friend."

"What?" Luke squeaked. "We're interesting?"

"Yeah," Angelica laughed. "Go figure, right? I don't know what it is, but I think we have something in common."

"Like what?"

~Haven't you said enough nonsense? If you can't say something smart, keep your mouth shut. You were always good at that.~

"I bet you hate small talk just as much as I do," Angelica said.

"You mean the
How are you's?
" Luke said.

"Exactly," Angelica chuckled.

"I bet you most people who say
Great!
don't even remember what great feels like."

~Nice comeback!~

"Yeah! It's just a word to them. It doesn't mean anything," Luke said.

"When does a word mean something?" Angelica asked.

"When you feel it rather than repeat it," Luke said.

"You see?" Angelica said. "I was right. I feel the same way about words. Luke and I have two things in common—we don't like small talk and meaningless words. And I don't believe for a minute you really want to be a loner, MJ. You came here, and all it took was one text. Whatever it is you're dealing with, I hope you're honest with yourself. That's all. I have a lifetime to be a loner if I chose to be one. I don't have that much time to find new friends in my new school, so why waste it by pretending I don't care to find any? I wanted you to get to know me so we can skip the learning about each other and do the friendship thing instead. It's your turn, MJ. Give me something. Anything."

"My life's pretty boring. Mom and Dad, living in a house similar to all of the other houses in our subdivision. Hell, the whole neighborhood, subdivision after subdivision looks alike. You could get lost here and wander around for miles thinking your home is the next one."

~Are you serious? You really think all the houses look alike? Are you blind or something?~

"My house looks different," Luke said.

"That's not the point," Angelica said.

"What? Am I missing something?" Luke said.

"It's all sanitized. Everyone's home is similar in size, the neighborhood is perfectly planned, the schools are plastered in the middle of it. Everyone acts like the perfect nuclear family. Kids are sanitized, too. And it's not just the sanitizer in classrooms teachers squirt onto kids' hands after every stupid activity. The kind of sanitizer your parents and your teachers use seeps in through your every pore. It gets inside your head until you almost believe it. Gosh, you're lucky if you end up believing it because if you don't, you'll go crazy."

~I'm not sure I like this speech, MJ.~

"Have you ever gone crazy, MJ?" Angelica asked.

"Every freaking day since I got out of elementary school."

~That long? Why haven't I noticed you were in trouble before? How could you hide from me like that? I thought we were a team!~

"I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one freaking out every day," Luke exhaled.

"Which one of the sanitizers do you hate the most, MJ?" Angelica asked.

"The plan."

~The plan? What is the plan?~

"It's like you're not your own person, ever. Your whole life is planned for you from the get go. And the more you try to steer away from the plan, the tighter the leash they have on you gets. It starts small, so you don't suspect anything. Little kids in organized play dates. They all have to share and be nice. They can't fight or say bad words. They are told to
have fun
, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. No one ever defines what
fun
is. It's as vague as it is overused."

"Fun is like a codeword for anything as long as it's not spontaneous." Angelica snorted a loud laugh.

"You're so right about that!" Luke laughed, too. "I saw a YouTube video of this Hollywood producer with his kids in this crazy decorated carriage with horses riding around their humongous mansion. These parents were inside the carriage with their kids and asking them over and over again,
Are you having fun?
Gosh, it was so f-ing stupid I felt sorry for those kids even though they probably had more money and stuff than I'll ever see in my entire life."

"Ha, ha, ha!" Angelica was sitting on the floor laughing with Luke. "It is a stupid question. I noticed the more overbearing the parents are, the more often they ask their kids if they have fun. It's like these parents want to believe their kids are happy no matter what. It's stupid and pathetic."

~Now that was not very poetic!~

"She's real, though, isn't she?"

"And then the plan continues. In elementary school, you're supposed to do activities. It doesn't matter if you like them or not. You do them because everyone else does them. Parents sign you up for this and you hate it, so they sign you up for that. You hate it too, so they find something else for you to like. If you're lucky like me, you end up hating it all until your parents give up wasting their money and leave you alone."

"Ha, ha, ha! That's what my folks did," Luke said.

"I didn't do after school activities," Angelica said. "I think it was because I was in Germany. Mom didn't feel like she had to sign me up for everything everyone else was doing because there were plenty of kids like me who didn't bother."

"I wonder how many boys on their baseball teams don't even like group sports or how many swimmers hate the chlorine water. And what about those amazing gymnasts who'd rather put up with the daily torture in the gym than to tell their moms they don't want to do one more flip on the beam because they're scared they'll miss and crack their heads open? How many mothers and fathers don't even know their kids' nightmares aren't that they won't be Olympic athletes, but what it'll be like when they finally quit and watch their parents' disappointment." Luke shook his head.

"Some kids like their sports or whatever activities they're doing," Angelica said, "but there's just as many of those who don't. But you wouldn't know it if you listened to all these parents talking about their awesome kids."

"And the sanitizer keeps on spewing. By the time you're in middle and high school, you're placed in so many accelerated, honors, and AP classes, you think regular classes don't exist in your school. Everyone's in some sort of honor stuff. Just showing up at school every day will get you some stupid award. And the silly moms will plaster gazillions of photos they took of their wonderful, precious children getting some idiotic award all over Facebook. The moms compete with one another. It seems like every parent wants to put something on the Facebook newsfeed so the pressure goes up to get some piece of a paper that says you're good enough."

~You never seemed under any pressure to perform. Did I miss something?~

"That's because I don't talk to my parents. I'm sure if I did, they'd find something to brag about on their newsfeed."

~I guess not talking to them makes sense sometimes.~

"From the day we start to speak, we are told what to think, what to do, and what not to say. Everywhere you turn, you hear about achievement, things we do and things we own. I'm tired of listening to it. I refuse to believe those are the only things that define who I am."

~And they are not! I AM who YOU ARE! I am much more than those
things
! The stuff you mentioned is all about ego. I am the soul, the spirit, and I am far above what many people think is important.~

"You are not your achievement or the things you own," Angelica said. "You are what you feel."

~She's so right! That's basically what I said. Can you feel me, MJ? It's the feeling that counts! It's all about what you feel inside!~

"What if I don't want to feel anything inside?"

~But you do, MJ, like it or not.~

"The only thing I feel is anger and loneliness. I'm numb."

~No, you're not. You feel a lot. You feel in color.~

"What?"

~That's right. Your feelings are so intense, you are able to express them in color.~

"What are you talking about?"

~Why do you think I always make you describe the colors you think the words you feel are like? To amuse myself? Of course not! I make you aware of the colors to make you aware of your feelings. It's my way of showing you that you still care. Caring is a powerful feeling, MJ.~

"You sneaky little..."

~What? Are you going to call me a name? I hope it's not a bad one. I certainly don't deserve it.~

"You sneaky little thing."

~I'm not a
thing
. You know who I am.~

"What am I supposed to call you?"

~How about you sneaky little spirit, little angel, little soul, little friend?~

"Little angel? Aren't you a bit full of yourself?"

~Not all angels come with wings, MJ. Besides, I’ve got like a million names better than what you came up with! I have been your most loyal companion ever since you came into existence! Don't you think it's about time you acknowledged me for who I am?~

"
My loyal little me
. How about that?"

~I like it. I like it a lot. Do you know why?~

"Why?"

~It looks like you're finally realizing that I AM what defines you, not your little ego. I think I'm finally getting the upper hand.~

"Not so fast
my loyal little me!
We have a long way to go."

~I'll settle for that!~

"No wonder kids move from one social site to the next. Who wants to be monitored by the parents they had to befriend? And even worse, who wants to be embarrassed by his zealous mother's post bragging her kid got an award even though half the school got it?! One of my friend's mothers posted something like that on his wall, and almost every friend he had unfriended him!" Luke said.

"My parents gave up. I don't think they even know which sites I'm on anymore. They can't keep up."

~What about me? I can't keep up either.~

"It's not only the sanitizer," Luke said. "I sometimes feel like I'm tied up in a straitjacket and caged up just in case I rip the jacket off."

"Seriously?"

~Seriously?~

"This is funny, I thought the same thing!"

~You never told me that!~

"You did?" Luke said.

"Yeah! First you can't run around on your own; you can't say what you really think. You're told what to do, what to say and the endless list of words you're not supposed to say; you're told how to think, how to feel, and what it is you want for the rest of your life. You have no identity. You are a madman in a straitjacket who must be coached and protected from his own self. You want to scream, but the more you scream, the tighter the jacket gets. If you keep screaming, someone in the adult world around you will figure out there must be something wrong with you. And before you can defend yourself, you're diagnosed with a syndrome no one has ever heard of so that the
guards
can medicate you until you stop screaming. Until you run out of air and collapse. Until you're numb and do what they say. Until you fulfill your parents' plans for the life they never had."

~Wow! Is this the real reason you checked out from your family?~

"Are you, MJ?" Angelica asked.

"Am I what?"

~I don't know what she's asking either.~

"Are you numb?" Angelica said.

"Almost."

"I refuse to be numbified!" Luke said.

"I love that word!" Angelica said. "I refuse to be numbified!"

"Me too!"

~Me too! Hey! We have another thing in common!~

"When I feel this numbness creeping toward me, I talk to myself."

~Hey! I thought it was our secret!~

"I talk to myself, too!" Luke said.

"I talk to myself all the time!" Angelica jumped from the floor and threw her arms up in the air. "We're a bunch of loonies! This is so cool! I have the perfect tweet for this!"

Countdown To Infinity
@AngelicaA
people get hypothermia from looking at us 'cause we're so cool