Chosen Heart (46 page)

Tucking my legs beneath me, I lie
on the couch and click on the television.  Surfing through the channels, I
avoid thinking about our conversation.  My only company is the dull noise
of the television as I fall asleep.

~~~~~

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Startled out of slumber by the
pounding against my door, I immediately check my phone. 
Fuck, it can’t
be Cole!  Doesn’t he ever learn his lesson? 
 When I see the
only missed calls are from Alex, I let the irritation seep out through a long
yawn.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Still trying to wake up, I
stumble as I make my way to the door.  My eyes water as they try to focus
on the clock.  It’s two in the morning.  Reaching the door, I look
through the peephole, and I’m shocked to see Alex leaning against the wall,
trying desperately to hold himself up.  Hastily, I unlock my deadbolt and
open the door.  

“Hi Harrrtt!  I knew you’d
be home.  You’re alwaayyys here for me when I needdd you!” Alex slurs,
tripping as he makes his way into my apartment.  I can smell the alcohol
on him and instantly hate that whatever, or whoever, happened tonight did this
to him. 

“Alex, have you been drinking?” I
question, even though I already know the answer.  Urging him to sit, he
hesitates and turns towards me.  There is darkness in his eyes. 

“God, Elyssa,” taking me into his
arms, he nuzzles my neck.  “You are so fucking beautiful.”  He
attempts to pull me into a kiss, but I resist and push against him.

“Alex you’re drunk.  I don’t
want to….”

Pulling away, he immediately
hangs his head in defeat.  “I knew it.  I’m such a fuck up.  I
ruined us before I even had a chance…”

“Alex, what in the hell are you
talking about?  I’m still irritated from earlier.  You can’t just
show up drunk thinking that I’ll lay on my back and forget about earlier,” I
huff as I place my hands on the sides of his face trying to regain eye
contact.  “And what chance are you talking about?  A chance to what?”

“To marry you…and knock you
up.”  I’m thrown back by his declaration. 
He wants to marry me?
 
I take a few steps back, giving us distance.  He shakes his sorrow and instantly
turns into a rambling mess. Throwing his hands up, being overly dramatic in his
intoxicated state, he continues to digress.  “Which is probably a good
thing, because I would just fuck up our kids and then you’d end up hating me
anyways; which you probably already do.” 

“Alex, sit down!”  I pull
him closer to the couch, but he doesn’t comply.  “Alex, I don’t hate you,”
I sigh, tugging on his shirt.  “I don’t understand where all of this is
coming from, but I don’t hate you.  You haven’t fucked up anything. 
You’ve made me angry, but…”  His arms tighten, squeezing the air out of
me.   

“I’m not good for you.  I’m
worthless and you don’t even know it.  In the end, when you get to know
the real me, you’re going to leave and that’ll kill me.”  I push against
him, but he doesn’t budge.  Instead, he looks down, hands traveling up and
down my body, teasing me.  “There is one thing I’m good for.  The
only thing I’m good for.  Elyssa, I can fuck.  I can make you come
multiple times…please….let me make you forget?” he moans, as his mouth grazes
my jaw line.

“Alex please, you’re
drunk.”  I try again to push against him, but his grip is tight and his
hands continue their movement, this time with more force.  “Alex, please
look at me…talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk,” moaning
in my ear.  “But, there is something I want to do with my mouth.” 
Alex moves us towards the couch and pushes me down onto the cushion.  Very
uncoordinatedly, he tries to remove my pants, only getting them to my knees
before he falls to the ground in front of me.

“Alex, I don’t want to make love
to you like this.  Please…”

Nuzzling my thighs, he places
soft kisses that trail up towards my sex.  “Fuck Elyssa, you taste so
sweet.”  His voice is full of rasp and hunger, and memories flood my mind;
memories of
his
voice,
his
hands, and
his
mouth. 

“STOP!” 
God.Please.No. 
“STOP Alex, Please STOP.”  My voice shakes as he continues to run his
tongue from my knee, up my thigh. 

His lips brush against my
sex.  “Please Elyssa…let me make you forget about today.  About
everything I did wrong.” 

“FUCKING STOP!” I scream. 
Pushing and kicking, he finally releases me, allowing me to pull up my
pants.  Curling up into a ball at the opposite end of the sofa, Alex’s sobering
face stares at me in shock.  Not knowing what he did, or even what just
happened, he remains frozen.  Tears stream down my face as I shake
uncontrollably. 

“Elyssa…I wasn’t going to
hurt…”  Moving closer, he tries to take my hand into his.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” 
Still shaking I can’t control myself as I wrap my arms around my calves,
holding on for dear life. 
Not now!
 Why did he have to say
those
words? 
Why?
  It took a long time to get
his
face
etched from my memory. 
Ely, calm down.  It’s in your past. 
He can never hurt you again!  This is Alex, he would never hurt you. 
Being with Alex has made me forget my past.  He’s made me crave sex
instead of loathing the intimacy.  I know he would never hurt me. 
Never.  But, how am I supposed to react when he utters
those
words.

“Elyssa, please…what’s
wrong?  I would never force you to do anything,” Alex’s pleading voice
breaks down.   “Don’t be scared of me, please.  I’m
sorry.”  I’m afraid to look at him, afraid I might see
his
face.  Afraid I’ll see pity in Alex’s eyes, pity for something he knows
nothing about.  “Please Elyssa, talk to me.”  Alex moves closer, and
this time I let him.  In my heart I know he wasn’t going to hurt me, but
it’s just too painful.  I unclench my fists and cautiously allow him to
take my hand in his. 

Alex stares at me, and I know
he’s wondering how he’s fucked up this time.  Wondering what would have
caused such a harsh reaction. But, I don’t know what to say. 
Do I
trust him enough to let him in even further?  I know I’ve already told him
about Cole and the miscarriage, but this is deeper.  This cuts deeper than
anything that has happened in my life since my parents died.  I know I
have to tell him, but what if this is it?  What if I tell him and he looks
at me differently, like I’m damaged.  No…I can’t think that way. 

“Please…you’re shaking.” 
Concern is etched in his voice as he remains still.  Not knowing what to
do he continues to look at me like a fragile piece of glass.
 Damn it;
I am not that girl anymore!

I can’t.  Not in the living
room.  If I’m going to bare my soul, the last thing that can possibly come
between us, it can’t be here.  I stand, tremors overtaking my body as I
walk unsteadily towards my bedroom.  Even though he’s still drunk, I’m
glad Alex decides to follow.  I need him.  I need the comfort of
being in his arms.  In my moment of desperation, I know his embrace will
erase the dark memories, even if he’s the one that dredged them up. 

Opening my bedroom door, I turn
on the side lamp, letting a glimmer of light pass through the coldness of the
room.  Not having the wherewithal to change, I drop down to lean on the
bed.  Slumping over, Alex moves affectionately towards me, bringing my
legs up to lie on top of my comforter.  He doesn’t touch me any more than
he has to, probably afraid of my reaction.  Instead he moves to the other
side of the bed and lies down next to me. 

Moving closer to him, needing his
warmth to push the iciness from my heart, I lay my head in the crook of his
neck.  Alex stiffens; his hands frozen in the air, unsure if he should
touch me.

I sob; my lips against his Adams
apple.  “Please Alex, hold me.” 

He complies and places a hand on
the back of my head.  “I’m here…shhh…I’m here.”  My eyes close as I
relax in his tenderness.  Time is moving slowly, almost too slow, and I
know I have to say something.

I don’t know how to start. 
Alex has been a whirlwind of emotions since the moment I met him.  What if
the rest of my past causes him to spin out of control, destroying everything in
its path?   Or, it could go in the opposite direction and my past
could quell the passion he feels for me.  Either way, I’m doomed. 
Hugging him tighter, he returns the embrace, which immediately soothes my
tension. 

Breaking the silence with a
whisper, I cling to his chest.  “Never say that to me again, do you
understand?”

“Say what?  About you
tasting…?”  Bile builds in my throat as I resist the urge to vomit. 

“Yes, that.  Never again…”
My voice trails off as my mind tries to block memories from that dreadful
night. 

“What happened to you?”  I
shake my head, closing my eyes tighter, wishing I could reverse the entire day
and be back in the shower with him.  “Did someone hurt you?  Was it
Cole?” 

Of course Alex is perceptive,
always has been.  But his tendency to always put blame on Cole is trying,
especially when in this case, Cole was my savior, not my abuser.

“Don’t let me go please,” I
beg.  I’m terrified he’ll see how damaged I am and realize I’m not worth
the trouble.

“I’m not going anywhere.”  Alex
continues to hold me, but eventually pushes me for an explanation.  “Talk
to me please.”

Steadying myself, I spill my guts
to him for a second time.  “It was while I was in college.  The first
Friday after school started I went with a couple of girls from my dorm to a
frat party.  I didn’t know them, or the people throwing the party, but I
thought it would be fun and a great way to make friends.

“Right when we got there, a guy
walked up to me with an extra drink in his hand, explaining that it was for me. 
He seemed okay, so I kept talking with him.  As the night wore on, he made
sure I had a drink in my hand at all times, but still I thought nothing of
it.  I was having fun, and recognized a hand full of people from my
classes and instantly recognized Cole from my English class.  Cole and I
were just acquaintances at the time, but he saw how wasted I was.  He
tried to look out for me, telling me I should go back to my dorm, but I ignored
him of course.

“At the end of the night, I
didn’t know which end was up so when
he
brought me to his room, I didn’t
think twice.  He didn’t even shut his door.  Next thing I know he was
on top of me, trying to shove his tongue down my throat.”

I shake my head as tears start to
stream down my face.  “Elyssa, you don’t have to talk about this if you
don’t want to.”

“No, y-you have a right to
know.”  I take a deep breath before continuing.  “I tried to push him
away.  He was so fast.  He already had my pants off, choking me as he
ripped off my underwear.  He told me not to scream, and when I tried, he
covered my mouth so forcefully I could barely breathe.” 

Reliving this nightmare is far
worse than I could have ever imagined.  The memory has haunted me, but
saying it out loud is torture.  I shiver through the pain. 
He
can’t hurt you ever again, Ely!  Don’t let him. 
Knowing Alex may
never look at me the same, I know I have to continue.  He deserves to know
what he’s getting in to.

“After he ripped off my
underwear, he slid…” another sob trembles through my body, as Alex pulls me in
tighter.  “He started with two fingers, but as my body went limp, he tried
to shove his whole fist inside, telling me he was getting me ‘ready for the
good stuff.’  When he pulled out, he licked his fingers telling me I
tasted…so sweet.” 

Although a whisper, I’m able to
make out what Alex’s conclusion, “He raped you.”  Completely sober, his
fingers grip at my waist tightly as he finally realizes why I panicked. 

“Kinda… he didn’t get that
far.  Just as he was climbing on top of me, Cole came in.  He threw
the guy off of me, covered me with his jacket, and carried me all the way back
to my dorm.  Cole was there for me that night.  Since then, he has
always looked out for me.”

Finally brave enough to look up
at Alex, I have to make him appreciate Cole the way I have all these
years.  “Do you understand now why I’ve kept him around?  Even
through all his crap.  He was there for me when I needed him and I had to
be there for him when he needed me.  I guess I felt like I owed him. 
So much, that I thought he deserved to be my first.”

“Elyssa…”Alex sits up, leaning
against my headboard.  Lifting and pulling me into his lap, he presses me
closer into his arms.  “You didn’t owe Cole anything.  I’m grateful
he was there, but you didn’t have to give him your virginity just because he
did the decent thing and helped you.  Your first time should have been
special, not something you felt you owed someone.”

I can’t help the deep sobs that
escape my mouth as I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck.  “I’m
sorry, Alex.  I didn’t mean to freak out on you.  You were just being
so forceful and you were drunk…”

“Don’t apologize.  I’m sorry
for scaring you.  Elyssa, it’s my job to make you feel safe.  I would
never do anything to hurt you, ever.”