Chosen Heart (44 page)

With the ocean breeze blowing
through my hair, I can’t help but reminisce over fond childhood memories. 
Bringing a smile to my face, I remember me and Rachel going to the beach with
our parents and the solo flying trips with my dad. 
Days before planes
made me shake in fear.
  Although I’m thankful he feels comfortable
enough to take me with him, the venue of Alex’s pit stop resurfaces the
horrible memories I thought I’d left behind. 
I miss you,
Mom…Dad. 

The cemetery is beautiful with
the large oak trees and wildflowers growing sporadically throughout the
grounds.  His mother’s gravestone is simple; two ornate tulips decorate
both sides of the mantle, where it states; Beloved Daughter and Mother,
Katherine Dunn. 
Dunn?  But, if it’s Dunn, why does he go by
James?  Just another piece to the ever growing puzzle.

Alex bends down and pours the
bottle of water we bought at the gift shop into the once empty stone
vase.  Carefully, he places the long white tulips into the welcoming
water.  “Tulips were her favorite,” he whispers, as he stands staring at
her gravestone.

Reaching across to grab his hand,
I give a gentle, reassuring squeeze.  “Do you want me to leave you alone
with her for a moment?”

“You can stay.”  He glances
at me sideways before returning his stare to the marble slab below.  We
stand in silence. 

I wonder what Alex’s life would
have been if his mother wouldn’t have left him at such a young age, if she
wouldn’t have let his father abuse her for all of those years.  He has so
many qualities that are both loving and gentle.  But, I’ve seen his dark
side, too; one of torment, anger, and resentment.  It’s that dark side
that made him act so offensive throughout our relationship; the one that
ignored me for four days and the same one that attacked Cole.  I’m hoping
with time, and love, that Alex can tame his inner demons and let me in
completely.

“Your mom would be proud of you,”
I give him a genuine smile, hoping that it seeps in.

“You don’t know what you’re
talking about!” he argues, seemingly upset.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean t….” 
Looking down, I stay connected with him only through our fingers. 
Whatever anger is inside him, he doesn’t need me to push him any further.

“Elyssa, she would want me to be
an honorable man; someone who lives by morals.  I’m not sure she would
agree with all of my decisions.”  Exhaling deeply, his voice softens,
“There is one decision I know she would agree with…and that’s you.” 
Wrapping my arm around his waist, I pull his body close to mine as I attempt to
erase his anger.  “You would have been the only girl I brought home. 
She would’ve known how special you are.”

“She sees you, Alex.  She
knows who you are, even if she isn’t with you.”  Repeating the same words
that Rachel has said to me time and time again; I have to believe that they are
still with me.  “I’m going to let you say goodbye, okay?”  He nods in
silence, as I walk away on the verge of tears.

Watching him, I see the little
boy who couldn’t help his mother.  I see him, how he’s arched, kneeling
before his mother’s headstone, trying to forgive himself and forgive her. 
In my absence, he’s left to say what he’s needed to for far too long. 

His lips are moving and I see him
reaching up, wiping away a tear with the back of his hand.  Talking to his
mother, my strong man shows his vulnerability with his moment of
weakness.  Lifting his middle and fore finger to his lips, he places a
soft kiss against the pads of his fingers before lowering his hand to her
headstone.  With his head hung low with grief, he slowly rises, placing
his hands in his pockets as he makes his way towards the car.  I know what
it feels like, to wish your past was different, to pray that a mistake was
made, and wish for a second chance with your parents.  I know what it’s
like to let grief control you.  I won’t let that happen to him. 

As he enters the car, I lean over
and place a sweet kiss on his full lips.  “Ready to go home?”  He
responds with another silent nod, grabbing my hand for comfort.

My body aches from our seven hour
ride home. 
Yes, I said seven hours.
  Evidently, when one
takes a road trip with their boyfriend for the first time, a pit stop is an
essential part of the journey.  Stopping just outside of Colton extended
our trip a bit longer than expected.  Although car sex never appealed to
me, Alex and his sexual abilities never ceases to amaze me.  I always
imagined it would be awkward in such a closed confined space, but trust me, it
was anything but.  It was incredible; hot and sweaty, slamming against his
aroused body was pure unadulterated pleasure.  Just the thought of our
uninhibited need for one another makes me giggle.

Alex comes up from behind as I
scrub my face, slapping my ass as he takes his place by my side.  “What are
you thinking about?”  My mouth drops open a little at the sight of him;
sexy as hell, half-naked in his boxer briefs. 

“Ouch, what is it with you and
your obsession with my ass?” I joke as I rub my cheek.

“What can I say, I’m an ass
man.”  Grabbing my hand, he twirls me into his arms.  Feeling
lightheaded, another giggle escapes. 

“You’re my man,” I whisper
against his lips as he runs his hands over the silky material of my camisole
and boy shorts. 

“Yes, I am and you’re
mine.”  Alex nuzzles my neck, but only for a moment, before releasing me
to continue my nightly grooming ritual. 

Reaching over, Alex grabs both of
our toothbrushes from the counter and liberally applies paste to both of our
bristles.  With a wide grin, I watch our reflection in the mirror as he
begins to hum mindlessly.  I pause, grinning at him as he sways with the
tune of his own melody. 
He’s so freaking adorable. 

Becoming evident that I’m
staring, he playfully bumps my shoulder, causing me to brush a streak of paste
across my cheek.  We both erupt in laughter as I slap his chest before
wiping the minty remnants from my face.  Once we finish, Alex takes my
toothbrush and places it in the holder next to his, my pink Colgate next to his
blue Oral-B.  Who would have thought we would get there?  Not saying
a word, Alex takes my hand in his and leads me into his bedroom. 

Looking oddly comfortable and at
ease as we fold down the bed, Alex’s muscles flex as he readies the bed for
slumber.  My sexual appetite increases as my eyes savor every inch of
him.  Images of him pleasuring me over, and over again, run rampant in my
mind each second he messes with the dark comforter.  But unfortunately, I
don’t think I have the stamina to go another round. 

Thankfully, he seems to feel the
same as we settle into bed.  Reaching over to place his arm around my
waist, he pulls me tight against him, nuzzling into my neck.  His lips
curl into a smile against my skin, “Tired?”  Completely content in his
embrace, my only response is a nod before closing my eyes and breathing him
in.  At times, he’s too good to be true.  Sometimes I want to pinch
myself to make sure my fairytale is actually happening. 
Well, better
him than me.

“Hey!  What was that for?”
he mumbles, still not moving.

“Just wanted to make sure I
wasn’t dreaming,” I jest, closing my eyes as I bask in his embrace.  I
never thought I would find such comfort in falling asleep in a man’s
arms.  Even when I was with Cole, we never stayed the night
together.  Don’t get me wrong, I trusted him.  Just the thought of
waking up next to him never appealed to me.  Oh, and occasionally I would
have awful dreams, dreams I never wanted Cole to know about for fear he might
treat me differently.  Luckily, Alex appears to be my dream catcher,
keeping away the dreadful images that haunt me. 

“Thank you for driving with me
today.  The trip home was…fun.”

“What part was the best? 
Sex at the rest stop, or was it the pound of alien jerky you consumed before we
got home?”  The vibration of his laugh, combined with his hand slowly
creeping up my stomach…oh lord, a girl can only take so much before she
sexually combusts.  Knowing we have to get up early, I slap his hand
playfully, but reach for it to hold me tighter.

“It was being with you,
Alex.”  His embrace tightens allowing me to fall asleep to the rise and
fall of his chest against my back. 

~~~~~

I wake with a jolt, eyes
adjusting to the darkness surrounding me.  I feel a sudden chill in the
room; Alex’s arms no longer wrapped around me.  Reaching for him, I meet his
clammy and tense forearm.  As I inch closer to him, I notice his eyes are
wired shut, similar to that of a child frightened of the monster in the
closet.  But unlike a child, I’m sure Alex’s boogie man is real, lingering
from his past.  Lying on his back with his hands balled into fists at his
sides, he’s frozen like a statue.  The only movement on his half naked
body is his lips, which I now realize is what woke me up.  Alex is
mumbling in his sleep.

My eyes move from his lips to the
rest of his face, stricken with a look of absolute fear.  Shadows fall
against his chiseled jaw and kiss worthy lips.  I lean in and try to
listen to his silent ramblings and immediately realize that he’s
praying.  
What has my heart so frightened? 
Whatever it
is, he’s scared enough to pray for salvation, for safekeeping, and pray that
he
doesn’t hurt him anymore.

Tenderly, almost without sound, I
whisper his name hoping my voice will bring him out of his nightmare. 
With no response, and literally not knowing what else to do, I softly nudge his
ice-cold bicep and brace for the outcome.  With cat like reflexes, Alex
jumps up into an attack position – fists in front of his face, feet spread
apart. 

Kneeling on the bed, I’m in
complete shock. 
What happened to him?  What would make him not
only fear sleeping, but be ready in two seconds flat to attack if necessary.
 
Tears stream down my face, not out of fear, but out of pity.  Someone hurt
him horribly in his past, not allowing him to escape the monsters that haunt
him.  Blinking several times, he looks around the room; finally
comprehending where he is.  Resting his eyes on my body, he tenses,
becoming conscious that I’m in his room, kneeling on his bed with tear filled
eyes.  Without hesitation, he quickly comes to my aid, wiping the tears
away from my eyes.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” 
Alex quickly looks over my face and body.  When I don’t answer, he
demands, “Elyssa…answer me.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” soft
whimpers escape my lips as I shake my head.  “You were so scared, Alex. 
What happened to you?”  My fingers reach up and caress his cheeks, trying
to wipe the anxiety off his face.  Flinching at my touch, he momentarily
slinks away, but then leans in allowing me to console him.

“It’s late and I don’t want to
talk about it.  Just go back to bed.”  Alex lies back down, placing
his left arm over his head.  Hesitantly, but not out of fear, I lay next
to him placing my head on his chest.  Soon, I’m the one being comforted as
he begins to stroke my hair.  Although I should be the one consoling him,
it feels too good to make him stop.  Through his chest, I can hear the
rapid beat of his heart, as if he’d run a marathon. 
I wish he would
trust me.

“I really wish you would talk to
me.”  His hesitation at trust must be a result of his past, and I can
understand.  But, in time I hope he confides in me and realizes that no
matter what he tells me, I’m here. 

“Elyssa, you don’t want my shit
in your head.  It would scare you.  Just drop it.”  He’s
frustrated.  Alex has demons, demons that he refuses to talk about. 
And whatever it is just might be the source of his anger and resentment. 
Now more than ever, I need to help him.

“For now.”  I cuddle next to
him and close my eyes, trying desperately to forget the horrific look on his
panicked, but beautiful, face.

Friday, October 12, 2012

I wake to the annoying buzz of my
alarm.  Slapping the screen of my phone, I quickly silence the dreadful
sound.  I had hoped that I would wake in his arms, but instead I’m met
with cold empty sheets as I reach out in search of him.  Quickly
discarding my pajamas, I quietly make my way towards the adjoining bathroom,
where I can hear the sound of running water.  Through the steam, I see
Alex’s naked form looking utterly powerless.  His hands hold him up, as
the water beats down over his head.  He looks troubled and I need to help
erase the pain.

Opening the shower door, I gaze
at Alex from head to toe, naked as the day he was born; skin glistening with
moisture.  Slowly he raises his head, his eyes meeting my stare.  And
I do stare, because I can’t seem to get enough of his toned, hard body.  I
can feel the wetness between my legs building and nothing could keep me away
from him.  Not now.  Not ever.

“How am I supposed to love waking
up with you, if you’re never in bed when I wake up,” I muse, playfully.  A
half smile spreads across his lips as he reaches out, pulling me into the
stream of scalding water.  The iciness from the night before still lingers
as I reach up, bringing his mouth down to mine.  I hate seeing him this
way, and am glad that it only takes a second for him to thaw; soon the
frigidness of his body eases, giving way to my overpowering need for him.