Claire's Song (20 page)

I don’t know what to think. I'm happy, but I'm not happy at the same time. It scares me. Even with her, I feel hopeless. When you have something good you don’t want to lose it. It'll end anyway, so why keep on going? But I love her touch. I knew I should have stayed in my room and not gone across the hall to do my homework. Since when have I cared about school anyway? No, I should've left. But I wanted to be near her, for her to touch me, to let me know I'm real.

I barely sleep most of the night. I contemplate what it would be like if Claire and I could be together for the rest of our lives. But I know it can't really happen. Eventually she would realize I'm a prick or a loser, or that I'm a cutter who isn't strong enough to deal with what life has thrown at me. She'll realize that I'm not Jamie. Then where will I be? I'll be worse off than when I started. I'd rather be tormented at school. I'd rather be kicked in the stomach like I was my freshman year. I'd rather do anything else than lose Claire. If I keep on with my plan, which apparently ends in December, then I leave her first. I won't have to go through the pain of a breakup with her. She's a heartbreaker if I've ever seen one. Those eyes, those lips, that body. Everything about her is equipped to shatter me into a million pieces. I toss and turn well into the morning, the thought of Claire and her touch plaguing my body and my mind.

At seven I get up to grab my Ipod and plug in my ear buds. I play "This Is For Keeps" by the Spill Canvas. That song makes me think of Claire and I wonder if it's too much, if it's too crazy to feel so much for her so soon. I think I fell that first day she couldn’t stop staring at me. I turn up the volume when it hits the chorus and think about maybe doing a cover of it at the show she set up for me. I know I should've been more excited about it. I could see the hurt in Claire's eyes when my reaction wasn't quite what she expected. She thought she'd done something great. Oh, God, what will she think when she realizes what she's really done? Will she feel guilty? I shake my head, as if that can get the thoughts out of my head. I can't think of that. I'll let her know somehow that it's not her fault, not to feel guilty. 

What would it be like if I could be okay? If I felt normal? Would Claire and I date for the rest of our senior year? I could never see a reason to break up with that girl. She's perfect. Would we go to college? This girl has me thinking of college. I was just doing my school work for crying out loud. She's dangerous.

I hear her get up around eight and a smile involuntarily crosses my face. She can never sleep in, ever. Me, on the other hand, I can't sleep. Just hearing her, just thinking of her, and I find myself wanting to go to her. She's a magnet pulling me in. I roll over and try to ignore the pull, the ache to be near her. Eventually my play list lulls me to sleep and I dream of her.

A knock on the door wakes me and I temporarily forget where I am. This isn’t the trailer with the cockroaches the size of a small dog. This is a nice, clean house in a good neighborhood. My breathing calms and I look at the clock. It's six in the evening. I fell asleep a good eight hours ago. I shake off the disbelief of actually sleeping as I go to the door. Claire is standing there dressed as a cat. She's got a nose and whiskers drawn on her face and black cat ears sticking out from her wavy hair. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. My eyes scan her and take in her entire outfit, the black tutu, the legging pants things, whatever they are, and the black shirt. It's all hot.

"I like it," I smile.

She crosses her arms over her chest, "You need to get ready or we're going to be late. Were you asleep?" Claire lifts an eyebrow at me as if to ask, "Really?"

"I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept thinking about you," I answer. It's not a lie. A big, goofy smile transforms her face as she looks down the hallway. Without another word, she steps into the room and shuts the door behind her. She looks downright devilish, her face flushed. Her eyes are wide and I don't hesitate. My arms go around her body, pushing her against the door, one hand by her head. My lips are on hers and I forget that her parents could be in the house. I don't care either. I don't care about anything but Claire and the way she tastes.

Her arms go around my neck pulling me closer. She makes a soft sound that drives me insane and only intensifies what I'm feeling. I should stop, but I don't want to and obviously I’m not one for self-control when this girl is involved. My mind is screaming for me to move towards the bed, my hands are itching to move to other places, but I pull back, somehow by the biggest miracle in my life, I pull back from Claire. Both of us are breathing crazy and just looking at her swollen lips and knowing I did that makes me want to go at it again. Instead I bring my hand to the side of her face. 

"I've got to stop or I'm going to take it farther than I should," I admit.

Claire's skin is even more flushed between what just happened and her normal blush. She mumbles, thinking that I can't hear her, but I do. "That makes two of us." Really? I look at her, ready to make an inappropriate comment or two when she puts some space between us.

"I've wanted to kiss you for a while. But I've wanted to go on a date with you for even longer, so…get ready," she smiles and then disappears from the room.

I'm speechless as I watch her go, her fake cat tail shaking with the sway of her body. I've never been big into Halloween, but this is our first date, so I at least make an effort, just as I promised her. I go to the closet and dig out the cheesy vampire cape, complete with a high collar and huge medallion that I bought the day Claire said she'd go with me to the Masquerade. I throw on a pair of black dress pants and a white button up (both purchased for me by Claire's mom), with some dress shoes. There. I'm a vampire.

When I come downstairs I find Claire talking with her mom. They turn around and Claire's eyes widen.

"You did it! You really dressed up as a vampire," she smiles.

I nod and then hold my arms out, the cape flaring, "I told you I would."

"Oh, you two are so cute! Let me get a photo!" Mrs. Watkins says as she grabs her phone. I hadn't even thought about how to approach whatever Claire and I have with her parents. After all, I am living under their roof. They should probably know that I am planning on spending as much time with their daughter as I can, at least on up until December, until the end.

Claire's next to me in a flash, her arm wrapped around me. We smile and pose for what feels like a thousand pictures. I hate pictures. But I do it because I know, just judging by her room, that Claire loves them. After a thousand more pictures, Claire's mom lets us leave. We make a quick exit, afraid of getting called back for more.

She lets me drive her car out to the Briarmont Country Club. On the way we stop at a red light and I'm looking over at her, at how beautiful she is and it strikes me. I reach over and gently put my hands on her face and pull her closer and kiss her with everything I've got. She responds and then I hear a horn blast behind us. Claire pulls away laughing. The horn honks again, the light is green, and I step on the gas.

"You're amazingly beautiful," I say as I look at the green light shining off of her face.

"You flatter me," she winks and starts fanning herself. Her smile is stretched across her face all the way to the country club. What I still can't believe is that I'm the one who put it there.

CHAPTER SEVETEEN

CLAIRE

            Ryder is well, words can't really do him justice. He's sweet, sexy, passionate, talented, all these things that I hadn't even imagined. I don't know what this is that we're doing, but I like it. When he kisses me, I feel electric, my mind gets hazy, and I get weak in the knees. Pretty much everything else disappears and Ryder is the only thing left.

            He took me by surprise in the car and I liked it. Actually, I loved it. My feelings for him just keep growing each day and I wonder if I'm in over my head. What would Jamie say? Like a sucker punch to the heart, I take a deep breath at the thought of him. Anger at him abandoning me rises up in my chest and I almost wish I could rip those tattooed initials from my skin.

            Ryder offers me his hand, his face pinched with concern, "You okay?"

            I nod and give him a weak smile. He doesn't buy it, but he doesn't push me since we're here. Kids from our school are wandering all over the place, all with red plastic cups in their hands. Nearly every single girl is wearing a trashy costume. I look down at mine and am not ashamed. As a matter of fact, I look nice and a small smile forms on my lips as I attempt to push the memory of Jamie away, just for a night, and pull Ryder, Ryder who is here with me, right now, close to my side. 

            "Do you see Lindy anywhere?" I ask Ryder as we walk closer to the entrance. People are giving us strange stares, but no one's said anything yet. I turn and take in Ryder's costume. My heart swells because he dressed up as a vampire simply because I wanted to see it. Truthfully, he makes a sexy vampire. But it's not just that, and I have to force myself to look away or else my mind will be invaded with thoughts of him and his lips on mine. I also love that he's trying for me. That means more than anything else.

            Ryder opens the door for me and we step inside. After a quick scan he turns to me, "I don't see her." I shrug and he responds by wrapping his arms around me. It's so natural, so normal. I feel like I can do anything and it scares me to death.

            The music is loud and thumping, the ballroom is dark save for purple and white lights here and there. Food and punch neatly arranged on tables that line one side of the room and a crush of bodies are in the middle of the dance floor. It's suddenly hot and I remember why I never wanted to come to one of these before. The lights are flashing, it's too loud and I'm slowly starting to freak out.

            Ryder pulls me towards the edge of the dance floor, his face in my hair, his voice in my ear, "Hey, hey…I'm right here, okay? This is fun. We came to have fun, okay?" When he pulls away I look at his eyes, and let what I find there calm me.

            I nod and stare at him expectantly, almost stupidly. A slow smile forms on his lips and one eyebrow quirks up, "You
do
dance, right?"

            His question takes me by surprise, because, he doesn't seem like the type to dance either. "Not unless it's in my bedroom with the door shut," I joke as I look around the room. We're given reprieve by the darkness, no one really noticing that we've made it inside.

            "I have an idea, then, because I don’t dance unless the music is slow or there's a mosh pit. Can you wait right here?" He looks at me like he's afraid I'll wander off or get lost if he leaves. Honestly, I'm nervous about him leaving me alone, but I relent. I watch as he heads off to the DJ who looks to be in his mid-thirties. They have a brief conversation, smile, and then Ryder's heading back to me.

            "Gotta impress you, that's all," Ryder smiles at me, a familiar cockiness invading his swagger.

            "What did you do?" I look back to the DJ and then at Ryder again. He's got this devilish grin across his face and I almost bust out laughing.

            "Forever" by Breaking Benjamin comes over the speakers and that laugh melts right away. Ryder just quirks an eyebrow and smirks. "Wanna try to dance?" He laughs and extends his hand to me. Couples all around us have already pressed into each other, so I let him pull me close, the scent of him overtaking everything.

            "Did…did you do this?" I stutter, not even able to make a coherent sentence. There's a Breaking Benjamin poster in my room, among many other band posters, and I wonder how Ryder knew this was one of my favorite songs by them.

            All he does is shrug and smile, "No big deal."

            His arms are around my waist, the feel of his hands there nearly sear through my costume. I wrap my arms around his neck and we sway to the music, our gazes locked. It feels so normal, so perfect that I'm almost fearful, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because normal and good doesn't happen to me. I quickly force those thoughts from my mind and think of only Ryder and how I feel about him.

            The chorus, the lyrics seep into my skin, meaning way more than they should, Ryder means way more than he should, and this simple act completely melts me. The purple light hits his face just right and I move my hand to his cheek. He smiles at me, no bull crap smile, no smirk, but he
really
smiles at me, one side of his lip tipping higher than the other. I'm floating away on pure euphoria. I almost want to pinch myself to see if this is real. I can feel a goofy grin begin to spread across my face as Ryder's fingers slightly tighten their grip before one hand drags up my side agonizingly slow, nearly killing me before it reaches my lips. His thumb brushes my bottom lip, my hand fallen back to his neck. The mere touch there sends shivers down my spine, weakens my knees.

            "What are you waiting for?" I whisper, the anticipation torturing me.

            Ryder laughs and shakes his head, "You know you're pretty feisty."

            I raise an eyebrow at him and he moves in slowly, his lips lightly planted on mine. I don't think this could ever get old for me. I've not been kissed much in my life. Once in middle school by a kid who used to live down the street and trust me, that was less than memorable. It was like being licked by a dog. My only other kiss was Jamie. My mind threatens to go there, but I don't let it, because this is different. Ryder's different. What Ryder makes me feel is so much…more. Even so, that feels wrong. It feels like a betrayal to Jamie in and of itself. But I can't let it be. He and I shared just one kiss.

            Ryder pulls me in closer, our bodies flush, the kiss deepening, his tongue sweeping mine, while one hand slowly brushes the side of my neck. I could spontaneously combust. After going at it for most of the song, we break apart. His eyes are unfocused and glazed as he tries to focus on me. I probably look the same way.