Clarity (5 page)

“Seriously?” I blurted. “This is what you’re all living on now?”

Nathan looked embarrassed. “No, we’ve been living on takeaways, mostly. Cooking isn’t my strong point. Neither is shopping.”

“What about Byron? It’s up to him to take care of you. No wonder you’ve been edgy. You’re practically starving.”

He shrugged, his cheeks flushing even redder, but Amelia made a face that said she fully agreed with me.

“You have to talk to him.” I gave Nathan a meaningful look. “The world hasn’t stopped.”

“I’ll say it to him, but he’s... you know.”

I felt bad. I knew exactly what Byron was like.

Nathan and I moved to the living room while Amelia gave us a few minutes alone.

“I’m worried about her,” I said, unable to hold it in any longer.

“I know. So am I.”

“It’s just… I think he needs to stop babying her like this. How is she ever going to learn how to take care of herself?” I saw echoes of my own situation. Maybe I would have reacted differently if I had more freedom, if I had seen more danger. No way to know, but it didn’t stop me thinking.

He shifted uncomfortably. “I get it, but he wants to keep her safe.” He caught a glimpse of my expression and shook his head. “Not now, please?”

I shrugged, a little annoyed that he was putting everything on the back burner too, but I didn’t want to fight. Everything else had slipped through my fingers. He was all I had left.

“Have a good time later,” I said, and once again a disturbing thought pervaded. I was giving up a lot for him and his family; I was giving up how I saw myself.

“Don’t think that’s possible,” he said, but he kissed me deeply, and all of a sudden I forgot about everything. I liked it that way, how it momentarily filled the void, and for a change, he was the one to pull away. “Hey,” he whispered gruffly as I pressed myself against him. “You’re supposed to be keeping me on the straight and narrow, remember?”

“Whoops. Won’t happen again,” I lied, wrapping myself around him.

“Careful,” Byron warned.

We both knew exactly what he meant, but sometimes neither of us cared about the consequences. That was the scary part. It disturbed me so much that I secretly hoped it had nothing at all to do with the curse and everything to do with just us. I wished I knew what it would be like without the curse, if we would still fall head over heels whenever we kissed. Deep down, I really hoped so.

We snuck one last kiss before they went on the hunt, and it left my skin burning with a longing I had never felt before. Getting lost in that drunken desire was the closest thing to bliss I would ever get. And it was oh, so easy to lose myself. Despite everything else, a kiss between us made everything heat up, made me forget it all, no matter how I had been feeling previously. And the wrongness of that always left a little bit of dread in the pit of my stomach later.

After they left, Amelia pretended to eat while we watched soaps on television. She did her
I need to talk
fidget until I threw a cushion at her.

“I hate when you do that,” I said. “Spit it out already.”

After another ten minutes of nibbling on her fingernails, she got on with it. “This is going to sound stupid.”

I stared at her. I was pretty sure whatever it was, it couldn’t sound any worse than anything that had already happened.

She winced. “I’ve been having these dreams.”

I sat up straight, suddenly interested. “Soul mate?” All of the wolves in her family had dreamt of their soul mates, and Amelia was reaching that special age, so it was potentially a big deal.

“No. Well. Not mine, anyway. It’s as if I’m in somebody else’s body, as if I’m living their life, and it feels so real, but then I wake up, and I’m me again.”

“Oh.” I sank back into the chair. “It’s only a dream then.”

“It’s not, though. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s more than a dream. When I wake up, I feel... different. Stronger. Except… sometimes it’s like I don’t even recognise my room for a minute. That’s weird, right?”

I thought about it. “Is it a recurring dream?”

“No, but it’s the same people, like in a story. It’s old. Everything is old-fashioned. Last night, I was walking down a trail, wearing this really long skirt. I remember because I was really careful about it not touching this boy. Oh!”

“What?”

“Someone helped. I like him. I mean,
she
likes him. This is confusing. He was... a farmer. I’m... I’m like a gypsy or something. He’s nice to me, but he’s married, and I’m supposed to keep away from the
gaje
.”

“The what?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. I told you it was confusing. I keep forgetting stuff.”

“Maybe you’ve been thinking about the curse a lot,” I suggested.

“Why?”

“Gypsies?”

She frowned, and I could see a connection hadn’t occurred to her. But then, she leaned forward, her eyes shining with excitement. “Maybe this has to do with breaking the curse.”

All I could do was shrug. It was possible, but probably not likely. Nothing had turned out to be that easy, especially the things we all wanted the most. But the part of me that wanted the curse to end seemed to wither a little every day. And I had no idea if it was what
I
wanted… or what the curse demanded of me.

Nathan

We took
Cú
on the hunt with us. He was going stir crazy staying indoors all of the time at
Perdita’s
house. I felt bad for him, but I knew he was the best protection for her, apart from me. I didn’t trust anyone else to protect her as well. I didn’t trust anyone else to care at all. Keeping
Perdita
and Amelia safe was about the only thing constantly in my head. My family hadn’t exactly proved themselves to be good at that.

It was frustrating to be a creature that could hurt and maim, yet be incapable of protecting the people I cared about because of the stupid rules made up by the adults in our lives. Ever since the fight between my family and those wilder werewolves, I’d felt different, as though I could handle myself. When I had seen the wolf go for
Perdita
, something clicked in my head, made me realise I would do anything, anything at all, to stop her from being harmed.

Byron seemed as edgy as I was once we made it to the park. It had definitely been too long since we’d hunted together. It wasn’t that I really wanted to do it, but the wolf became a little harder to manage if I didn’t let him out occasionally.

We didn’t talk, just stripped and phased. I gasped at the familiar sensation of my bones realigning. It was over almost instantly, unlike any other time I’d changed. The wolf was keen, ready to run free. We had become more attuned since the fight, better prepared to act as one.

The wolf wanted to play.
Cú
flanked me as if he knew I couldn’t be trusted. Self-control had been lacking lately; I could easily get out of line as a wolf. It didn’t bother me as much as it used to.

Byron flew off, unwilling to wait for me. I didn’t care; I was still getting used to being on all fours. Everything was brighter, clearer… better. We should have been under cover of dark, but Byron had gotten weird about being away from Amelia after dark while we hunted because we couldn’t be contacted for help in all of the normal ways.

That was all forgotten as I took in everything around me. It was as though I could see, hear, and smell everything, but I wanted more. I raced around the clearing in excitement, rolled on the grass like a pup, and sniffed the air deeply. My mouth watered as I instinctively turned toward the smell of human—wolf hadn’t hunted in too long—but
Cú
shouldered me and growled while a quiet little voice in my head told me no.

That was okay, though. Plenty more out there. I set off after Byron, followed by my wolfhound. Sniffing the air, I could smell the raw, tangy scent of fresh blood.

Wolf wanted a taste, too.

I sprinted toward the smell, but stopped short as I caught sight of Byron. He was larger than me, more aggressive in wolf form. Although he was mild and play-it-safe as a human, his wolf was pretty awesome in ways I would never dare tell
Perdita
. His brown eyes caught mine in their stare as he savaged a wild rabbit with ease, tearing muscle effortlessly, blood dripping from his teeth.

He lowered his head and snarled at me, and I knew I wasn’t invited to share. I ran instead, needing to stretch my legs. Byron was different as wolf, better able to cope. When my parents died, he had stayed wolf for a fortnight, and I remembered hearing my grandparents argue about it, worrying he might never come back. My grandmother said something about the lure of the wolf being too strong, but I didn’t understand what she meant, and it was too late to ask.

When Byron eventually returned, he was even colder. The only time we ever felt like family was during the hunt. That was the only time I understood him.

I raced through the trees, more excited than I had ever been on a hunt. I hated the idea of being forced into things by the curse, but I had to admit that I loved the freedom as a wolf. I loved how everything looked, tasted, and even smelled. It was something most people couldn’t experience, and it made me feel as though I was meant to be out there in the night, running wild. We had every advantage as wolves, but it was harder to appreciate those advantages in human form. Maybe that was what Mémère had meant about the lure of the wolf. It was far too easy to forget about human concerns in wolf form.

Byron waited for me to calm down enough to hunt. I had been locked indoors for a long time, and I needed to make the most of the clear sky, the breeze that fondled my fur, and the never ending amount of things to see and smell. I ran as fast as I could, wishing I could go on forever without stopping. I could see why Byron turned to wolf when things got hard, but people were relying on me to be there for them. And as much as
Perdita
provoked my wolf’s attention, she kept the human in me alive.

My stomach gave another gentle reminder that I needed to feed when Byron howled, signalling for me to join him. I trotted obediently through the trees until I caught his scent. The rabbit was gone, but he had spotted something else, a lone deer up ahead, young and probably inexperienced. Mature deer were rarely caught by us. We weren’t all that great at being wolves.

Byron was nearly invisible, lying on the ground as black as night, watching patiently. He couldn’t outrun a deer, but I could. It was my job to herd the deer toward Byron. We could communicate, knew exactly what each other needed. He indicated for me to circle around the deer, but he didn’t have to as I knew our routine well.

I trod silently on padded feet, as alert as I possibly could be, but barely able to hide my excitement. I needed to eat badly. The feed might give me the strength to get over everything going on in my human life. Things were a lot less complicated for Nathan the werewolf.

I couldn’t see the deer, but I knew it was still there. I circled wide, keeping out of its hearing range. I could be the most silent animal in the woods if I tried. But I had to try hard.

I crept closer to the deer. It still hadn’t noticed me, so I prepared to sprint. I became a little too over-excited and unleashed a nasty growl. The deer jerked its head up in fright before it scampered away. It was fast, but I was faster and gave chase happily.

She took sharp turns, trying to trick me, outrun me, but I was agile, too. I skidded at one such turn, ploughing heavily into a tree, but I quickly recovered and re-joined the chase, panting hard. I heard Byron growl in annoyance. He hated when I had fun. I bypassed the deer and cut her off sharply. I had to repeat that method a number of times before I drove her into Byron’s path.

The deer realised her mistake and belatedly attempted to retreat. Byron stepped toward her before leaping into the air, aiming at her throat. The deer froze in terror. He gripped her, and she made a few desperate struggles to free herself, but a couple of sharp twists left her limp. It was over.

I shivered. Watching Byron kill was always an amazing, but chilling, sight. I needed that Byron at my side if the other wolves attacked again.

He tore a lump of flesh and chewed before making a noise in the back of his throat. I joined him eagerly. We ate until our wolves were satisfied. We had to keep them happy, or they made our human lives hell. That was part of the price for the strength and speed we gained.

We both ran, along with
Cú
, using up all of that excess energy that had had us on edge for weeks. For the first time, I felt calmer, less ready to flip out.

In human form, back in the car, I gagged at the thought of what I had done on the hunt.

Byron threw back his head and laughed. “Seriously, Nathan. Do I have to hear this every single time you hunt?”

“Shut up.” I rolled down the window, just in case. “
Opa
told me you were worse than me for the first few years.”

“Maybe I was. Not half as bad as your father, though. Good Lord, he used to throw up more than he ate. Kept it up, too, until he met your mother.” His laughter died away, but a grin remained. “Takes a long time to get used to it, but it’ll come, especially now that you have
Perdita
.”