Coffin Island (13 page)

I also reasoned that having The Red
Lady onboard was like having a housecat for the rats. I was banking
on the housecat not nipping its keeper which isn’t a good bet. It
helps explain cat scratch fever. That finger is just a better
plaything because it’s alive and attached to something that will
howl. I made a mental note to throw The Red Lady overboard at my
nearest convenience. That old badger was nothing but trouble. The
primordial sharks were just sitting there snapping. Why not give
them something to do?

“The Wind People were offended by the
size of the sails,” Madison snapped. “Why did you make them so big
after they explicitly forbid you?”

“They refused to give me more wind,”
Professor Coffin huffed.

“
It’s not your fault?” I
asked.

“
Of course not,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
Why do you need to go so
fast?” Madison asked suspiciously.

“
How do you expect me to
outrun Crypt Island without a Category Six howl?” Professor Coffin
demanded. “If she pops her spinnaker we’re finished.”

“What’s Crypt Island?” I
asked.

“It’s the finishing school,” Professor
Coffin said.

“Crypt Island is the third school that
we have to graduate from,” Madison mused. “Witchcraft is such a
comedian.”

“Crypt Island has sails?” I
asked.

“How else could she get around?”
Professor Coffin demanded. “Or at least that’s what the rumor
is.”

“Nobody has made it back from Crypt
Island?” I asked.

“That’s why it’s called a rumor,”
Professor Coffin nodded. “We don’t know how she gets
around.”

“Are you sure the island moves around?”
I asked.

“How else could she chase us down?”
Professor Coffin asked.

“The third school prevents us from
attending the second school?” I asked.

“You expect witchcraft to make things
easy for you?” Professor Coffin asked. “Next thing, you’ll be
asking me to draw you a treasure map.”

“You want me to toss him overboard?”
Madison asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Coffin
said.

“I wasn’t speaking to you,” Madison
snapped.

“Your violence speaks to me,” Professor
Coffin said.

“You’re about to feel the brunt of it,”
Madison said.

“You’ve made a real mess here,” I
said.

Professor Coffin shrugged.

“The Wind People are our immediate
concern,” Professor Coffin said.

“I beg to differ,” I said.

“Were they offended by the height of
the mast?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
They say you’re breaking a
treaty,” Madison said.

“Let them try to break it,” Professor
Coffin laughed. “I have my instructions.”

“They’ve sentenced Booster and me to
death,” Madison said.

“They’ve sentenced Doctor Fast to death
too,” I said.

“We’ve been banished from the emerald
ocean forever,” Madison said.

“I could have predicted as much,”
Professor Coffin laughed. “We’re restarting the war. All the
peaceniks are bound to get upset.”

“Who are we going to war with?” I
asked.

“Why should I tell you?” Professor
Coffin countered. “You keep threatening me.”

“I’m the Headmaster,” I
said.

“You should start acting like it,”
Professor Coffin said. “Do something dark and violent.”

“Do you want me to kill him?” Madison
said greedily.

“Not yet,” I said.

“
I’m going to rip out his
heart, liver and lungs,” Madison said.

“
I was thinking something
like that would be delicious too,” I said.

“You two have the proper attitude when
it comes to murdering me,” Professor Coffin said. “I’ll grant you
that.”

The remaining stitches were diving off
the rigging into the ocean.

“Why are they abandoning ship?” I
asked.

“
They are choosing death in
the emerald ocean over sailing this ship,” Madison said.

The primordial sharks were snapping
them up.

“
Nobody comes back from
sailing anymore,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

“
It’s too dangerous of a
sport,” Madison snorted.

“
You should teleport out of
here and save yourselves,” Professor Coffin suggested. “I’m going
down with this ship. Or I’m going to one of the schools. I’ve had
my fill of being Janitor on Coffin Island. I can’t clean up that
magical mess. I quit.”

“
Fat chance of that,”
Madison snarled.

“
You’ll clean it up because
you made it,” I said.

“
That’s why you’re the
Janitor,” Madison said.

“
Who told you that?”
Professor Coffin demanded.

“
Why didn’t you tell me
Doctor Fast is my ship?” I asked.

“
I didn’t want to ruin the
surprise,” Professor Coffin said. “How do you like it?”

“
How did you know this is my
ship?” I demanded.

“
I peeked ahead in your
book,” Professor Coffin said. “Don’t get huffy.”

“
Don’t do that again,” I
shouted. “Stay out of my book.”

“
How would you expect me to
find your ship without looking in your book?” Professor Coffin
demanded. “Be logical, man.”

“
We have our own ship?”
Madison asked. “I have a ship?”

Madison was practically drooling. I
shuddered to think what sort of battleship she had.

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin said. “I’d lower my expectations in your instance though
Madison. Yours is a scow.”

“
That figures,” Madison
laughed. “Otherwise I’d try to escape like you Professor
Coffin.”

“
We can’t be trusted with
the good vessels,” Professor Coffin winked.

“
Why were you looking for my
ship in the first place?” I asked.

“
He was trying to steal it,”
Madison said.

“
I was just borrowing it,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

“
What’s wrong with your
galleon?” I demanded.

“Nobody wants that leaky scow,”
Professor Coffin said. “I can’t even pawn it off on that curious
Spaniard.”

“Professor Coffin,” Madison demanded.
“Were you going to sell Doctor Fast to one of the upper
schools?”

“Never trust a pirate,” Professor
Coffin growled. “There we were getting along famously,
Madison.”

“Why would you sell my ship to an upper
school?” I demanded.

“I want to hear this one,” Madison
said.

“You’re the one that wants to keep the
peace with them,” Professor Coffin said. “What do you need a ship
for?”

“You were going to give it to them as a
peace offering?” I asked.

“Professor Coffin is so crooked,”
Madison laughed. “He has to screw on his pantaloons.”

“With doubloons,” Professor Coffin
laughed. “I was going to sell Doctor Fast with The Red Lady stowed
away upon it. “

“The Red Lady stows away and kills all
aboard,” Madison said.

“Sailing is a dangerous sport,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

“Are you manipulating our thoughts?” I
asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Coffin said.
“I’m just stealing them. Sailing is a dangerous sport is one of
your future thoughts. You were actually just supposed to think that
right now but I beat you to the punch.”

“You can steal whatever thoughts you
want from me,” I snorted. “It sounds better coming from
you.”

“Professor Coffin is too confused to
manipulate our thoughts,” Madison said. “He can barely manage his
own.”

“I just confirmed it,” Professor Coffin
said. “Who do you think is operating me?”

“Don’t take the bait,” Madison
said.

“Agree,” I said. “He’s trying to put us
off track.”

“Have it your way,” Professor Coffin
said. “I wouldn’t trust me either for that matter.”

“Your plan was to cheat us,” Madison
said. “And you planned on getting us all killed in the
process.”

“Except for The Red Lady,” Professor
Coffin corrected. “I needed her alive. You see?”

“Why would you want to double cross us
all?” I asked. “Who gains from that?”

“Professor Coffin,” Madison
laughed.

“This stalemate has gone on long
enough,” Professor Coffin said. “How else do you expect me to
restart the war with the upper schools?”

“Enough peace and love,” Madison said.
“Let’s give war a chance.”

“
We have to teach those
teachers a lesson,” Professor Coffin said.

“We are enemies with the teachers in
the upper schools?” I asked.

“They’re jailors too,” Madison
said.

“Of course,” Professor Coffin said.
“Haven’t you learned anything on Coffin Island?”

A monstrous wind was heading towards
us. It seemed to be pushing the planet Jupiter in front of it like
a plow. At least there was a bulldozer on the emerald ocean to go
with the wrecking ball. I was looking forward to living in the
rubble of this new world. It seemed like it would be an improvement
over the current chaos. Perhaps some of the more pestilent
creatures such as Professor Coffin would perish. Or the weeds would
takeover. Something hideous was bound to crop up. Then I could get
out my scythe, grim reaper style and cut it down.

“You better grab the wheel and pop the
chute,” Professor Coffin suggested. “I’d let out the jib too. Or
teleport us out of here before we’re killed by the biggest breeze
to hit the emerald ocean.”

“I don’t think that’s an option for
you,” I said.

“Sail fast!” Professor Coffin shouted
to no one in particular.

“What do you want to do?” Madison
asked.

“I’m not going back to Coffin Island,”
I said. “I’m going to Crypt Island.”

“What about Casket Island?” Madison
asked.

“I’m going to one or the other,” I
clarified. “Or I’m going down with this ship.”

“You’re beginning to waffle like a
leader,” Professor Coffin grinned.

“What do you want to do about him?”
Madison asked and hooked a thumb at Professor Coffin.

“Ask him,” I said. “He’s read my
book.”

“We’re all going to Casket Island
together for a great adventure,” Professor Coffin grinned. “There
is just one little problem that we have to work out concerning
Crypt Island chasing us down. I don’t believe we can outrun her no
matter the wind. There was a footnote in your book to that effect.
I didn’t bother reading it.”

“He just keeps lying to us,” Madison
said.

“Throw him over the side to the
sharks,” I barked.

“I demand to walk the plank,” Professor
Coffin bellowed as the biggest breeze to hit the emerald ocean
catapulted Doctor Fast forward towards Crypt Island. Or rather
Crypt Island began sailing towards us. I knew something was going
to give. Whatever was holding us down could only hold us for so
long. That’s at least what I thought as the planet Jupiter
approached us.

“Jupiter we’re coming for you!” Madison
shouted.

Chapter

The planet Jupiter came to us. It was
the typical witchcraft inversion. It was pushing us with such
ferocity across the emerald ocean that we couldn’t steer around the
gatekeeper for Crypt Island, a flaming whale. Once the planet
Jupiter got rolling it just couldn’t stop. It takes a long time to
skid to a stop when a whole planet gets rolling. Jupiter flew
straight into the flaming whale. The flaming whale wasn’t terribly
large. However it was constructed out of molten lava.

It opened its flaming maw and devoured
the entire planet Jupiter in one fiery gulp. It brought to mind a
snake unhinging its jaw to devour a mouse. The flaming whale wasn’t
that monstrous but it was horrendously hungry. It devoured all of
Coffin Island in a single fiery belch. We just sailed right past
that flaming whale.

We then crashed onto the glass
shoreline of Crypt Island. The flaming whale just sat there like
Plymouth Rock. It didn’t even move. Why should that fiery beast
move from its spot? You expect a flaming whale to bend to your
will? Forget about it. It’s been flaming its whole life and it
won’t stop for you.

The entire mass of Coffin Island had
just been consumed in a single gulp by a flaming whale? It all made
perfect sense as I watched in abject horror. This is how the world
comes to an end? A flaming whale with a real world counterpart that
has been brutally abused by humanoids casually devours everyone.
Why not? The world deserves a harpoon in the back.

The upper class witches on Crypt Island
have a fabulous lighthouse, I thought. You had to admire their
doorman. I’d like to get a flaming whale for my doorstep. Let it
tend the lamp out on that glorious dock. Keep that hideous future
away. It’s nothing but trouble that future. Let’s not deal with it
if we don’t have to. That’s why people sail into the past but not
on witchcraft’s slave ship, Doctor Fast. We beached into the
future.