Collateral Damage (From the Damage) (15 page)

“Honey, you
can’t
go back to that house,” Daphne said gently. “It isn’t safe there.”

“Isn’t there a way that doesn’t involve police and social workers?” Kay asked. “I can’t tell all those people.”

“I know it’s hard to talk about it, but it gets a little easier each time. You’ve already taken the biggest step and told me, and I’ll be there with you, every step of the way.”

Kay took a sip of her tea as she considered this. “I’m too exhausted,” she said. Although it was true, she was using it as an excuse. “I haven’t even slept since I found out about my mom. And now this…”

Daphne gazed at Kay compassionately, then leaned forward and placed her tea cup on the table. “It must’ve been so horrible, finding out those things about your mom, seeing her second family.”

Kay nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek and landing in her tea with a splash.

“Let’s make a deal,” she said, scooting closer and turning to face Kay. “You can stay here tonight, get some rest. But, first thing in the morning, we need to file a police report. And I’d really like you to see a doctor, just to make sure you’re okay.”

Kay thought about it, weighing her options. Daphne’s came out the better bargain. “You promise you’ll be there when I talk to them?”

Daphne nodded. “I promise.”

After a minute, Kay finally agreed. “Deal,” she said. She tried to give her a smile, but moving her face muscles hurt too badly. Every inch of her ached, muscle and bone alike. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“When you were…” she paused as she tried to figure out how to word her question, “with your husband, what was the worst part? Like, out of the hitting and the name calling and the way he talks to you, what did you hate the most?”

Daphne thought for a second, her gaze turning distant as she took herself back to that place. “Honestly, the worst part was trying to make sure it never happened again. The little compulsions all throughout the day to keep him from getting mad. Like, keeping the house in perfect order, or not going to the store without him. What to say, what not to say. And it never really matters how hard you try, he will get mad, because he’s mad at the world. It’s not you Kay, and it wasn’t me, or any other girl or child out there suffering from the same problem. It’s them; the abusers and the rapists and the killers build themselves up by tearing other people down.”

Kay nodded, looking up at Daphne to see she had tears in her eyes.

“But it’s okay, because you can and will get through this.” 

***

Kendall

***

Kendall only invited Seth up to her room with the intention of talking to him. But, like usual, things turned physical pretty quickly. Before she knew it, they were on her bed, shoes slipped off, bodies moving together, enjoying heated, but somehow very empty kisses.

No matter what she did, there was always an empty place inside her, so deeply rooted in her soul that nothing alleviated the lingering cloud of negativity. Sometimes, if she tried hard enough to focus on the way his hands felt as they slid over her skin, or the way his breath tickled her neck, she could forget about her pain and the secret they shared.

But this time, it wasn’t working. The more he touched her, the more uneasy and uncomfortable sh
e
fel
t
. The more ragged his breath became, the dirtier she felt. Finally, unable to take the panicky feeling anymore, she broke her lips from his. “Seth,” she said, but it came out a breathless whisper inaudible over the sounds of his heavy breathing. She pushed at his shoulder to get his attention. “Seth, wait—”

“Come on,” he moaned, his breath hot and wet against her ear, sliding his hand further up her shirt, under her bra.

“Seth, seriously,” she said, wedging her other hand under his shoulder to push him up. “Not now.”

Looking down at her, his eyes were hazy with lust, like he only half-heard what she said. “Okay,” he said, nodding, letting out a breath as if to calm the hormones. “I get it. How ‘bout a blowjob?”

“Seth, you’re a jerk,” she said, trying to roll out from underneath him, but he kept an arm on each side of her, not letting her move.

He smiled down at her, all beautiful teeth and persuading charm and she found herself giggling as he said, “Come on, please?”

She locked gazes with him, stifling a giggle, trying to remain firm, trying not to give in as she said, “No.”

Reaching down, he started tickling her hip, then the other one, until she was giggling and squirming underneath him.

“Seth, you are such a jerk,” she said around a fit of laughter.

“Oh come on.” He stopped tickling her, supporting his weight on his hands again. Looking down at her, his face just inches away, eyes locked playfully on hers. “You love me.”

A laugh died on her lips as everything went still and quiet. Looking into his eyes, she realized she felt connected. Just for a second, she felt
whole
, and not fragmented, not yearning. The look in his eyes was changing, shifting with realization, with the suspicion that his joking words were somehow true.

She was stretching up to kiss him again when the door banged open and Kelly stormed in, saying, “Kendall, did you take my jeans?”

Seth was up and off of Kendall before she could blink, and she quickly stood after him, straightening out her clothes.

“The ones you’re wearing,” Kelly said, giving Kendall a disapproving scowl. She turned her gaze to Seth, and her mouth dropped open, cheeks turning bright red.

Before Kendall could react, Kelly crossed the room and slapped Seth across the face. The smack seemed to echo in the quiet room, and sent his head flying to the side.

“Whoa, Kelly, have you gone mental?” Kendall exclaimed as Seth brought a hand to his reddening cheek.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Kelly demanded, hands placed firmly on her hips in a defensive stance.

“He’s my friend.”

“Then you suck at making friends.”

“I take it you two know each other?” Kendall asked, knowing there must be some reason for Kelly to act this way.

Kelly’s venomous stare never left Seth. “He raped one of my best friends.”

Narrowing her eyes, she looked at Seth, hoping the accusation wasn’t true. Seeing the guilty expression on his face destroyed all of that hope. Shaking her head, she stepped away from him.

“I want him out of this house,” Kelly said, voice tight with anger. “Now.”

Without another word, Seth picked up his shoes, crossed the room and went out the door.  “Seriously, Kendall, you need better judgment.”

Shooting her stepsister a dirty look, Kendall ran after her only friend.

“Kendall, are you crazy?” Kelly called after her. “You can’t trust him!”

But Kendall didn’t listen. She barely caught up with him before he pulled out of the driveway, and had to jump in the car with him just to get him to talk to her.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Kendall turned in her seat to stare at Seth. “Come on, I’m waiting.”

His gaze was fixed on the road, his eyes darkening as if he was trapped in the past.

“Seth!” she said louder, demanding his attention.

Finally, he spoke the cold and distant words, “It’s all true.”

She felt her heart snap shut, and a sickening feeling churned in her stomach. Turning away from him, she pressed her forehead into the cool glass of the window and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep her brain from trying to make sense of this. Trying to picture that boy who’d always taken care of her, always understood her, doing something so horrible set her head aching. She knew there were always two sides to a person—their core, and their front. The face you see, and the one you don’t. But with this…her mind couldn’t fit the two faces together.

Grabbing onto the door handle, she placed her fingers along the grooves and squeezed tight. Then tighter, until her knuckles paled and her joints began to ache, trying to hang on when her world was spinning so violently out of control.

He was looking at her, she could feel it. And it sent her skin blazing, her temper flaring. “Pull the car over, Seth.”

“Just hear me out—”

She whipped around to face him, raising her voice, keeping it firm. “Pull over!”

His chest rose and fell as he inhaled a steady breath, debating what to do. Hands stiff and tight in the ten and two position, those cold eyes staring at the long stretch of road ahead.

Her mouth dropped open as she gawked at him. Was he really going to try to keep her in this car against her will? Seth, of all people, would do that to
her
?

And suddenly, the panic was overwhelming. Her heart hammered so loud and frantically she couldn’t hear anything else, couldn’t feel anything but terror. She
needed
to get out of the car; she couldn’t be trapped again. It felt like the walls of the sporty frame were getting even smaller, shrinking in on her until she couldn’t move, or think or breathe.

She reached over and grabbed the wheel, causing the car to veer into the oncoming lane.

“Kendall, chill out!” Seth hissed, struggling for control of the wheel and making the car swerve back and forth.

But she held on tight, desperate to get away from him.

“Alright, alright!” He shouted, and she let go. He guided the car over to the edge of the road.

Before the tires even stopped rolling, she opened the door and jumped out. Gulping in a deep breath of fresh, clean air and choking back a sob that tried to escape. She started walking back the way they’d came, pressing a hand against her mouth just in case she got sick, just in case she broke down in a fit of tears right here in the road.

“Kendall, please…” he called after her. “Just wait a minute.”

But she only kept walking.

“Neither one of us have ever been innocent,” he said, his voice shaking as he tried to get through to her. “And I realize I’ve crossed some lines here, but you…I mean…”

As his words trailed off, she heard him come closer, but she picked up her pace.

Gravel crunched under his feet as he stopped and sighed with a heavy, regretful heart. “
You
are the one person who’s supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt.”

She stopped, but kept her back to him, trying to fight the emotions he was stirring, trying to keep that feeling of disgust and anger in the forefront, so she could hate him without questioning, without caring about ‘his side of the story’.

“The one who can look past all of the mistakes—”

She spun to face him, her patience and resolve wearing thin. “Look past it?” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. “That’s what you expected me to do? Just close my eyes and turn my head the other way?”

His jaw set as he stared back at her, the masks falling away. Leaving only a very young looking, not the least bit intimidating, lost little boy.

“Like I did the first time we had sex?” her voice cracked, most of the sentence coming out in a heartbroken whisper. She turned from him again, covering her face as the horrific details of that night came rushing back. The lumpy mattress on the floor, the creepy man behind the camera who kept grinning. And Seth…too young to…

“Kendall, don’t go there.” He reached out and grabbed her shoulders, turning him to face her. His eyes pleaded with hers and his voice was hoarse as he whispered, “Don’t go to that place.”

She looked up at him, tears
brimming the lines of her vision, until all she could see was his face. “Don’t you get it? Neither one of us ever
left
that place.”

He let go of her then, swallowing hard as her words sunk in.

“What you did just proves it.” Yanking away from him, she stumbled back. “How could you? How could you do something
so horrible
?”

His hands fell to his sides, and he stepped back, as if giving up. “Why? Is it going to make you hate me any less? Make me hate myself less? Will it make you feel better about wanting to be with me?”

She shook her head and a few tears escaped. “I could never be with you now.”

“But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still the only person who knows you. Because you can’t, no you
refuse
to let anybody in. You even push your family away. So you can hate me all you want, but I understand you in away nobody else ever will. Are you sure you want to throw that away over one…indiscretion?”

Kendall couldn’t believe what she was hearing. What was wrong with him
? Rambling, she started toward him, ready to let him have it. “Seth, you turned somebody into a
victim
. You made somebody feel…helpless and lost and afraid…” all of the nasty emotions she’d been struggling with over the last few years, she realized with revulsion. Standing in front of him now, she gave his chest a hard shove in anger, but it barely made him sway.“I can’t forgive you for that as long as you’re calling it an
indiscretion
!”

“Then why are you still here?
” He turned, angling them toward the car as his gaze bored into her. “Can’t you see I’m dangerous? Or maybe that’s what you want.”