Collected Fictions (13 page)

So now you know. So let's not kid ourselves, it was only one night, but so now so my light of my life knows, so now sue me, so go call the Supreme Court and come sue me!

LISTEN, JERRYCHIK
, between father and son, honesty is the best policy, this is my personal opinion. So it is addressing you along these lines, darling, that it is time to broach to you, let us say, the subject of Gert Pinkowitz. Do I make myself crystal clear to you, Jerome? Because even in my health and my years, I thank God that the question of romance is not totally for me out of the picture. But first and foremost, Jerome, I do not have to instruct you as to the fact that your father is the type of an individual who gives comfort where comfort is due. Now you take the creature which was just previously referred to, because for your personal information, precious, this is a person with enough heartache in her heart for an army. Listen, if you can believe it, darling, even worse than I your own father, this person, this woman, she suffers and suffers. Darling, not in all your born days could you even guess! But who knows, maybe I already told you what a svelte and adorable creature Gert Pinkowitz is, not to mention this woman is also an individual which could give your father cards and spades when it comes to the question of how much agony a human being would have to sit there and receive at the hands of their own flesh and blood! And guess what, boychik—just like your own personal father, it is a son which is in Gert Pinkowitz's case the source as to where every last shred of Gert Pinkowitz's tragedy as a parent is coming from.

Tell me, sweetheart, did you ever think you would live to see the day when I your father would run smack into such a terrific coincidence? Listen, I know it is a small world, you don't have to explain to me it's a small world, but a thing like this is nevertheless definitely unbelievable—right here in this same building with me a creature which just like your father which also got a son that you could sit there and break a blood vessel from.

But who knows if I already made mention? Maybe I did or maybe I didn't already in a prior communication make mention. On the other hand, precious, since I didn't write to you the day before yesterday, then I have to say to myself, "Face facts, Sol, you didn't." Because when you stop to consider the arithmetic, boychik, it is only twenty-four hours since the woman first set foot on the premises here and established her residence in this building.

So okay, sweetie darling, your father has been seeing a certain svelte person, it is nothing for us as adults to be ashamed of. So what if to this point it has been so far a whirlwind romance! You think I your father do not have the wherewithal to see for myself where the arithmetic speaks for itself? Meanwhile, it couldn't be avoided, sweetheart, two creatures which are both themselves available as to the annals of getting together and which meanwhile got so much unhappiness in mutual.

This is fate, boychik. This is what it means when you ask them for the whys and the wherefores and they come and say to you it is fate, it is fate, and you could stand on your left ear but you could not avoid it. Like with the fella who says to his brother, "So go to 305 and don't worry, I promise you I'll watch out for the cat, it'll be all right, in its whole life the cat wouldn't get better looking after than I your brother will give to this cat!" So the brother who is so crazy about his cat that he couldn't ever stand for two seconds for him to remove himself from the cat like for even a little vacation maybe, the man says to himself okay and goes to 305, Jerome, and when the man gets there, the first thing which he does is he picks up the telephone and he calls his brother which is still up in 212 and he says to his brother, "So how's the cat?"

Listen, Jerome. Because I want you to hear how the brother in 212 answers the brother who is in 305 when the brother in 212 says to the brother in 305, "The cat's dead."

So tell me, sonny boy, you did or didn't hear this—"The cat is dead"? So can you believe this, that the brother should hear his brother say to him, bing bang, the cat is dead!

So naturally it's a long silence with no one talking. And so then the brother in 305 says to the brother in 212, "You are some brother I got! I ask you how is the cat, and you answer me, bing bang, the cat's dead! What kind of a way is this for a brother to say a thing to a brother, bing bang, the cat is dead? Believe me, you should learn how to say a thing when a human being asks you a question—not just bing bang, no preliminaries, no fanfares, no overtures, the cat's dead! Listen to me—the next time somebody asks you so how's the cat, so how is the light of my life the cat, you say to them you took the cat up to the roof for a little breath of air and she got herself a sniffle and you got her in the bed and in a few days, please God, she will be up and around as good as new again, so don't worry, so do not vex yourself, so do not eat your heart out, go to your hotel, check in to your hotel, relax, put on a bathing suit, and in a little while we will talk. So then when I telephone back in a couple of hours to ask you what's what with the cat, you say to me, well, there's complications with the cat, we are getting in a specialist for the cat, we are sparing no expense, it went from the sniffles to in her chest, it went from the sniffles to her whole entire body, but with God's help she will pull through—not no bing bang, no overtures, no approaches, no highways or byways, just the cat is dead! So then when I call again to check with you what the specialist said, this is when you say to me you never know, there is never a guarantee, the cat you had to rush to the hospital two seconds ago and even with the top medical men in science from all over from every college of the world, lo and behold, things didn't go so hot, things went from bad to worse, life is but a raveled sleeve, the cat went ahead and passed away. This is how a brother speaks to a brother, not no bing bang, the cat is dead!"

So the brother that's in 212, Jerome, he says to the brother that's in 305, "Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, next time it'll be a different story, next time I'll know better, next time I wouldn't leave out the hearts and flowers so fast, I promise you." So this is when the brother who is in 305 says to the brother who is in 212, "Forget it. So it's only a cat. So meanwhile, so more important, so tell me, darling, so how is Mother?"

Jerome darling, are you listening to this? Did you hear when the brother that's in 305 says to the man, "So meanwhile so how is Mother?" Now pay attention, darling, because I want for you please to also listen and hear what the brother that's in 212 says to the brother that's in 305, because this, darling, this is what he says to the man verbatim. He says to him, "Mother?" He says to him, "Well, Mother, I'll tell you—Mother, the woman, I took her up to the roof for a little breath of air."

This is fate, boychik! This, what I have just told you, is fate and there is no two ways about it! So between your father and Gert Pinkowitz it is the same story—it's fate whichever direction you look at it from. And don't kid yourself, sonny boy, two individuals in our situation, it couldn't be avoided even if you sent for the police.

Okay, so at this point, I admit it to you, everything is still on hold in the dating stage. But even with Romeo, you had to have your dating stage before civilized human beings could let it get around to this, that, and the other thing. Believe me, your father is a patient man, Jerome—thirty-six hours, forty-eight hours, for a living doll like this creature, a person so svelte, your father could make an exception and wait to count his chickens when they come home to roost. But for some things, sweetheart, patience is already beside the point, patience would not make what wiser heads than your father call the big difference.

Sonny boy, Jerome darling, do me a favor and listen to me—because I your father am here to tell you that in certain departments not even the patience of a saint would do the trick, let alone Job and the whole Jewish religion. So call the G-men, Jerome. And if the G-men would not give you total satisfaction, then maybe you could get somewhere with the House of Representatives and the Food and Drug people. Darling, go get whatever court of law you have to get, just so long as you know I your father couldn't help himself, I'm sorry to have to sit here and tell you, Jerrychik, but enough is more than enough!

So first you will take your time and decide in your mind which one you want to go call for them to come get me, the district attorney in 603 or the district attorney in 305. And in the meanwhile, your father gives you his promise, he would not budge from this very spot and put up a fight when they break down the door and come in here with their handcuffs and their bludgeons. Jerome, don't give it a second thought, I am giving you every assurance, darling, your father will go quietly, he wouldn't even begin to make a fuss and beg for mercy nohow! But, cutie guy, if you are asking me to keep my mouth shut when it comes to the question of the envelope, from the bottom of my heart of hearts, I am sorry, Jerome—but this I could not promise you, not even if the sentence was life with hard labor!

CUTIE FELLOW
, pussycat, stop to ask yourself—your father gets to the end of this letter, what comes next? Because I hope I don't have to tell you the answer is the envelope. So just like it was first the tragedy of the cat and next the tragedy of the mother, here is another one where it is a question of fate and you couldn't in all your life avoid it. Sonny boy, darling Jerome, you leave off the zip code and they don't deliver, do they? So now ask yourself, Jerrychik, how much leeway do you think your father gets, could he leave off, do you think, two-thirds maybe of a human being's whole name?

No, he couldn't.

But also could your father write it any different from how your father has been writing it lo these many years and years?

Darling, this is a question which you do not need your father for him to answer for you in words of one syllable. Because in so many words of one syllable, pussycat, I hope and pray you heard the answer your father just gave you, because the answer is forget it, he couldn't!

Precious person, just so you know in advance that I your father tried to give this question every last ounce of consideration. But meanwhile, Jerome, the answer is please, as God is my witness, forget it with this J.D.! Because even if they made a law, not on a bet could your father ever do it! You hear me, darling? Not even if the Secret Service took the case and came in here with all of their badges and machine guns, the answer is still
N-O
!

Jerrychik, your father, it's no news to you, is an old man. But whatever the future should hold, he could not be more thrilled than for him to spend every last minute of it in chains and no visiting days than for him to go along with you on what you did up there in 603 to the wonderful name your mother and father gave you, please God the woman should rest in peace and never know from this scandal!

Listen, kiddo, you could go to Woolworth's and you could buy thumbtacks. Darling, you could even go buy carpet tacks instead if this happens to be your particular private preference. So go ahead and buy whichever variety that it pleases you to and come stick every single one of them in me in my elbows. Okay, so if the elbows do not interest you, sweetheart, I will give you a choice, you can come choose the kneecaps instead. So choose the kneecaps, Jerome, if this is what you have to choose! Believe me, if this is what you decide in your mind, then this is what you decide in your mind—then kneecaps. Because your father would not for two seconds stand in your way even if you begged him to deprive you! Tell me, boychik, are you getting the picture? Because the picture is that this is the picture, Jerome—in every last department I your father am only too happy and glad to go along with you, but this J.D. thing which you did to your name, this your father so long as he lives could never get used to! This thing here, cutie fella, is where your father has to draw the line!

I'm sorry, sweetheart, but J.D. I couldn't go along with, even if they came in here with their badges and handcuffs and shot me down like a dog. Because by me, darling, because by your father, darling, the name you were born with, the name God gave you, you could go ahead and ask anyone, they will tell you it is like a symphony by Shakespeare to the most discriminating of ears. I promise you, sonny boy, you could go to the ends of the earth and you could still not improve upon it even if you went and begged on bended knee!

Just to listen to it!

So are you listening?

Jerome David.

Jerome David.

Now tell me, I ask you, is this not the last word when it comes to the name of a human being?

But a thing like J.D., Jerome, since when is a thing like J.D. even a figment of a name?

Cutie guy, you want to kill your father with this thing of J.D., then go ahead and kill me with it. But meanwhile do not ask me to write it on the envelope. Because if this is what you are asking of me, darling, then let me be the first one to tell you, sweetheart, you are asking your father for what your father will not give!

STOP TO THINK
, pussycat. Promise me you will not excite yourself and that you will stop to think for all of two seconds. So first of all, answer me the following question. There is or there isn't a thoroughfare in the Bronx called Jerome? As thoroughfares go, tell me, babydoll, it is not one which down through the ages is a thoroughfare which is famous throughout the world and respected? So is this a simple question or is this a simple question? And does a person have to be a genius for them to think of a simple answer? Sonny boy, please take my word for it, when the city fathers sat themselves down to pick a name, they did not sit there and say to themselves, "So let's pick a shtunky name for this famous and respected throughfare." Okay, so I admit it to you, so maybe it was the borough fathers which sat themselves down. It's still the same principle! Believe me, darling, right here in the Sunshine State, where I your father bring you High Holy Day greetings from, on Lincoln Avenue they got right here, I promise you, a Jerome Florists. On Lincoln Avenue, darling. So am I talking about a first-class thoroughfare? Come look for yourself, as big as life, a top throughfare and a corner location, Jerome Florists, as I live and breathe!