Collected Fictions (15 page)

But so you'll promise me, boychik, you'll take time to reconsider? Because this is all your father asks of you, two whole seconds of heartfelt reconsideration. Darling, I am down to you on bended knee to you asking. God forbid in all my life I should ever have to come to you to ask you again. Please, darling, if you hear me even thinking of to ask, you'll run out and go get railroad spikes and with a couple of stevedores to help you, you will hammer them into your father's shins. But meanwhile, for all of two seconds, Jerome, I am begging you to sit down with yourself—and like a civilized person you will go into conference with your heart of hearts and you will speak to yourself as follows—"For my father's sake, who would let them come hammer even rusty railroad spikes into his shins for me, I, Jerome David, am going to think this question over from all sides and all directions and change my spiteful ways."

Sonny cutie, what your father is asking of you, you can ask anybody and they will tell you it is not too much for a father to ask. Look, boychik, you will let your better judgment be your guide—and then whatever you decide in your mind, just remember that your father knows what a wonderful sweet boy you are and that he has every confidence you will in due course come to your senses and act your age! And if your father ever once utters one more word in this particular department, may I inherit the whole Waldorf-Astoria Hotel and drop dead in all the rooms.

BY THE BY
, sweetheart, you will never guess what the Roth woman said to me last week. Because when she said it to me, right away your father said to himself, "I can't wait to tell the sonny boy what this woman is saying to me, please God my sweetheart will go along with his father's thinking and will realize you never know where wisdom and intelligence and where, you know, where guidance is going to come from next." So here is the quote, Jerrychik. You'll listen closely and you'll tell me what is your personal opinion as a human being with regard to this quotation. Because the woman says to your father, she says, "Mr. Ess, tell me, did you never stop to realize that when he stood up and had to swear on a stack of Bibles, they said to him, ‘Do you, Dwight David Eisenhower,' and so on and so forth? Because pay attention, Mr. Ess, they didn't say to the man no D.D." Darling, you can't argue with what the woman said. Believe me, I myself as your father stood there and said to myself, "You know, Sol, this woman is speaking the unvarnished truth—it's right there in black and white in the history books." Believe me, Jerome, this is wisdom! What you just heard from her, what you just heard with your own two ears from Mrs. Roth right here in the building, I am telling you, it is intelligence and guidance and wisdom! So whatever the source, I as your father am telling you that you have got to hand it to this woman. Jerome, you hear brilliance like this, it is a gift, don't kid yourself. And you know what, Jerome? You don't go look a gift horse like this in the mouth! But if you couldn't bear to hear it, Jerome, if even history is not good enough for you, then tell them to come in here and take your father's shoes off and make the man jump up and down on broken glass. All right, I grant you, you didn't decide yet in your own mind that you want them to swear you in as the President of the United States. This your father grants you, this much your father acknowledges. But the principle is still the same, Jerome! Did you hear me? I got this virus in my voice, but I guarantee you, it is still the same principle!

Cutie fellow, sweetie fellow, do everybody a favor and go back to the gorgeous name God in heaven gave you and you wouldn't have to hold your breath for the world to be your oyster all over again. This is my solemn vow to you, Jerome. Get rid of this J.D. thing, and your father promises you, before you know it, you will feel like a brand-new person. And don't think that in two seconds everybody wouldn't notice! Just wait until you hear them singing your praises just the way they used to, the whole gang of them in the literature industry, let alone their families and relatives. Believe me, darling, they will all be saying to themselves, "God love that Jerome David, he is some terrific kid, that kid, just look at how he bent over backwards to make a father happy!"

Pay attention, boychik, they are definitely not no dummies neither, these children which also went with you into the literature industry. And even if there is no shortage of plenty of them which your father looks at and has to say to himself, "This one here, to tell you the truth, I don't see what they see in him," even the worst of them your father can tell you they still got a head on their shoulders and are only too willing to take off their hat to a person which acknowledges the error of their ways when it is a question of a father's wishes. So are you listening to me, precious? They will hear what you did, and even the Bellow kid will take his hat off to you and step aside and tell you to go back up to the top of the heap again. Jerome darling, all it takes is for you to show them you made up your mind to be a serious individual with a serious name which makes sense to decent civilized people!

Your father is speaking to you without favoritism, Jerome. Your father is speaking to you the way a Solomon would speak to you if the man was alive to tell you himself! Your father does not play favorites, Jerome. Believe me, your father does not turn around and give you one shred of credit you do not as a person deserve. So when your father tells you all you got to do is go back to being Jerome David again, your father is furnishing you with his absolute honest appraisal. Darling, please give me some credit for honesty! Your father does not furnish another individual my honest appraisal until as an impartial witness I have weighed every one of the whys and wherefores. Phillie, Saul, Bernie, and the rest of them, they will hear what you did and they would not be able to step down and get out of your way fast enough! Are you listening, Jerome? Because I am taking into consideration not just exclusively these youngsters but also for your information your other top people in the building, which if you look up on 16 just under the penthouse, you're talking the Robbins family and the Krantz family and the Sheldons! But meanwhile ask yourself, darling, in the case of the aforementioned, is it S. or is it Sidney? Is it J. or is it Judith? And Harold, you could ask anybody, it's Harold!

So you see what your father is saying to you, boychik? Now be a nice boy and don't make me repeat myself. Tomorrow morning, first thing, it's a clean slate, okay? Believe me, your father can hear them already, it's such a shout of joyousness in my heart—"Say hello, everybody, to Solly's terrific new cutie guy, Jerome David, a thoroughly reformed person!" And another thing, darling—don't kid yourself, the King of Sweden is no dumbbell neither. Ask anyone. You ask anyone, Jerrychik, they will all be only too happy and glad to tell you the King of Sweden did not just get off the boat when it comes to intelligence. Go ahead, ask, and they will tell you the man is sitting there paying very close attention to who writes down his name on his book like there is something in it which he is proud of and not ashamed of, and who puts down a name like the whole deal from start to finish was just a lick and a promise and not a serious effort! Believe me, the King of Sweden comes along and sees a thing like this just J.D. thing, you think the man does not have the intelligence and the wherewithal to sit there and draw his own conclusions? Cutie guy, you could cut out my tongue for telling you, but your father did not have to pack up and go to no college to know the King of Sweden has got eyes in his head, the man could definitely add up two and two. So okay, so the man sees where it says you did not have the heart to put your whole name down, just don't be surprised, Jerome, when the man and his advisors all say to themselves, "This one here, he's not fooling no King of Sweden nohow!" But don't look at me, Jerome, don't look at me. Because I promise you, the King of Sweden can see for himself. So did I or did I not tell you your father did not make the rules!

SWEETHEART,
the plots I sent you last time, did any of them work out for you or was your father wasting his breath? So if in your opinion nothing looked good to you, don't worry, Jerome, I already got a couple a dozen new ones from keeping my eyes and ears wide open to these animals down here in the card room. Listen, in just my regular Wednesday game there's Charlie Heller, there's Mort Segal, and there's Artie Elkin, and between the four of us, believe me, we could fill a whole library from top to bottom! By the by, darling, I want you to guess what Mortie says to your father only days ago, just days ago. Because as God is my judge, Jerome, the man says to me, "Sol, do the child a favor and tell him to get rid of it. My Eric, for instance, he
added,
he didn't take away. So the boy wants a little flourish, he
adds
a letter and gets Erich, whereas he meanwhile doesn't let three perfectly good letters go altogether to waste." So listen, so you know what else Mortie says to me? He says, "Go tell your boy he could
add
a thing maybe, like a little trim thing maybe, up over an E, whereas David he could make Davidorf-—it's up to him. But the principle is you add, Sol, you
add
, you don't take away."

Sonny, to tell you the truth, your father in his own mind never thought of this before. So for what it's worth, boychik, I your father am passing along to you a mere possibility, you don't have to hurry up and make a decision. But to your father's way of thinking, the name Jerome with a little trim up on the top of it is definitely not the worst idea in the world. So who knows, the King of Sweden might even get a kick out of it. Because if you ask me, sweetheart, the man must have looked at the name Saul and he said to himself, "This here is a name which looks a little skimpy to me, a little even insipid to me, a little fixing up here and there it couldn't hurt. But meanwhile at least I do not have to go ahead and put up with just an S. at least. Meanwhile you can see that this Saul individual has at least got his heart in the right place."

Darling, the upshot of this I don't have to remind you.

A medal!

Thousands and thousands of dollars and a medal!

Be smart, Jerome. Listen to what Mort Segal says. You add, you don't take away. Believe me, maybe the man's got nothing but an Erich, but don't think this means he does not know whereof he speaks. Which reminds me, sweetie boy—before I get to the subject of your father and his new excitement in life, it just this instant dawned on me to tell you I noticed it's lo another year but what's what with you and Merv Griffin? Cutie fellow, if your father has said it to you once, then the man has said it to you a million times, no business and no pictures is bad enough—but no Merv Griffin you definitely got to realize you can't get away with!

You know what you are, Jerome?

Because the answer is you are your own worst enemy!

All right, no pictures is a fact of life your father is learning to live with. So forget pictures! You don't want to have a picture, then don't have a picture! So maybe a genius does not like a normal person have to have a picture. Only yesterday itself your father says to Murray Mailer, I says, "Murray, believe me, when you are a genius in your own right, then you will know you do not have to stand on ceremony with a picture." I says to the man, "Listen, Murray, I myself am not questioning if your Norman is or is not a genius. I am just saying if you are one, then you know what you know, and number one is you could live without a picture!"

Jerome, I wouldn't even begin to tell you what the man stood there and said to me. But at the Seavue, do they ever give you the least little consideration? Animals, animals—the whole high and mighty mob of them—these individuals are every last one of them uncivilized animals! So anyway, Jerome, are you listening, Jerome? Jerome, the man stands there and says to me, "Sol, this fella Einstein, like with the hair and the sweater and the pop-eyes? The man wasn't a genius? So tell me, Sol, so how come you know what I'm talking about, Einstein? You met him? You sat down to a meal with the man and broke bread with him? You saw a
picture
, Sol—wherever you looked, you saw a
picture
! But pardon me, my friend, I forgot—your child with the initials, this one is a bigger than Einstein genius!"

So please God Murray Mailer should live and be well, Jerome, but from him, I guarantee you, your father does not need a lesson in history. Meanwhile, I still say to you you cannot discount the man entirely. Believe me, darling, in this world, whatever the source, a person tells you something you never heard before, then you got to sit down and think it over and give this person credit. So it's the truth, darling, Einstein, it's the truth—and in my own mind you know what? I never stopped to think about it before! But listen, am I ashamed to admit it? So all right, so Einstein was a big genius—but even him, the biggest genius, the man had a picture here, a picture there, he didn't stand on ceremony! But believe me, sonny boy, I as your father am not holding Murray Mailer up to you. Not even would I even hold up an Einstein! But let's face the music, darling—does this individual know whereof he speaks?

Sweetheart, I want to talk to you as your own father, a human being who does not play favorites. Jerome, you know what? You got on you a face like an angel! Do you hear me, Jerome? An angel! But if a picture is for you such a trial and tribulation, then your father says forget it, darling, you don't have to knock yourself out for no Murray Mailer's benefit, plus no Einstein neither, not to mention for the millions and millions of fans who would get down on their hands and knees to you to thank you for one single solitary exception if you only had it in your heart of hearts to let them go get a Kodak and make an exception.