Collected Fictions (17 page)

Jerome, this is when the big naked man gives Goldbaum a grab and pulls him out into the hall and he says to Goldbaum, "You heard me, oars!" Jerome, would you believe this? In all your born days, would you believe this with your own ears what is happening here? Because they take Goldbaum down there into the bottom of the ship and they tear off the clothes he's got on his back and then they put these chains on his legs and they make him sit down and with all of the other men which are the passengers which are traveling on the ship, the man has to row with this big oar until the ship is rowed all of the way out away from 212! But this is nothing, Jerome, this is nothing! Because meanwhile there is all these big fellows walking around and they are hitting Goldbaum and the rest of them such smacks with whips it's unbelievable!
Whips,
Jerome! Well, I don't have to tell you, it takes maybe two, three weeks for them to row out there away from 212—and in all this time, darling, did Goldbaum get one sip of water? Forget water! Not even a piece of fruit, Jerome! Hitting with whips, this is what Goldbaum and the rest of them got! Meanwhile, okay, they get the ship rowed out there away from the area code and the big fellow comes over and he gets the chains off from Goldbaum and he has to pick the man up bodily and carry the man, this is the condition which Goldbaum is in! But listen, darling, even in this condition, like a dead man, I want you to ask yourself what Goldbaum is thinking to himself when the big fellow is carrying him back to his stateroom like a dead man. Jerome darling, do you want me to answer you? Because the man is
starved,
Jerome, the man is dying of
thirst!
And
bleeding!
Believe me, I don't have to describe to you the blood—it would make you sick if I told you how much blood, Jerome. But meanwhile, Jerome, what is Goldbaum
thinking?

Jerome darling, I want you to hear this. Because even in this condition, God love him, the man is thinking to himself, "So what do you tip a fellow like this?" Did you hear this, Jerrychik? "What do you tip a fellow like this?" So did you hear every word of what Goldbaum is thinking to himself on this slave ship? So this is why I say to you, darling, it never hurts to listen to the other individual's experience. Believe me, Jerome, whatever the source, you could always learn something when you pay attention to the aggravation which the other individual in his own personal ups and downs has experienced. Because don't think the fellow, irregardless of the walk of life, has not been through plenty in his own right! But on this earth, darling, even taking into account your own father, there is nobody which got the personal heartache which you could even begin to compare with the heartache of, let me tell you, of this delightful human being, Gert Pinkowitz!

LOOK TO THE CHILD,
Jerome. This is what your father says to you from his experience, look to the child! Because if you want to see what is killing a mother and a father, this is where to look—the child. But forget it, because would you ever hear one word of bitterness from the woman's own lips? A saint, Jerome—the woman is a living saint! Believe me, kiddo, every last word I your father had to pry out of her mouth because wild horses could not get this woman to talk to you and tell you what's what with the heartache she has experienced with her high and mighty Tommy. You know what, darling? In my personal opinion, the entire human race should get together and take off their hat to this wonderful creature, Gert Pinkowitz! And I'll tell you something else, boychik. Thank God this is a person made of iron. Of iron! Because with flesh and blood you couldn't live with what this woman's got to live with. I as your father look at this individual and I say to myself, "Sol, even with the agony you are suffering at your own child's hands, this is nothing when you stop to compare it to the agony of a human being like Gert Pinkowitz!" This is what your father says to himself, Jerome. Every time I even look at the woman, this is what your father in his own mind has to stand there and say to himself.

On the other hand, who could overlook the similarities? I mean, when I look at what this woman has her hands full with, you think I don't say to myself, "Sol, when you consider your own trials and tribulations, how can anybody in their right mind not notice the terrific similarities?" Jerome, believe me, darling, whoever said it's a small world, the same person, as God is my witness, knew what they were talking about!

Number one, Gert tells me her Tommy is a brilliant boy. So even if I am in no position to pass judgment, let's give the woman credit. Also like my own Jerrychik, Gert's Thomas is another genius, this much I am willing to acknowledge, even if the Robbins woman, who has her own Harold, says to your father she has taken a look at the Pinkowitz boy's books and every word in every one of them she could take it or leave it. But, okay, so it's a free country, so the Robbins woman is entitled to her own personal opinion, who's saying the woman does not know whereof she speaks? But meanwhile, so long as Gert Pinkowitz tells me the child is a genius, then as far as your father is concerned the child is a genius, even if Dora Robbins wants to look your father in the face and maintain to the contrary! But, Jerome, I ask you, when did the boy last do a little business? Because the answer is don't ask! Not for seasons and seasons! So listen, maybe in your lifetime did you happen to run across another individual where this particular situation is the situation?

Meanwhile, what's the next thing?

No pictures, darling!

Just like with a certain somebody else your father happens to be acquainted with, no pictures, not even a snapshot in the newspapers—a hermit, a hermit!—plus not no Merv Griffin, plus not no Merv Griffin neither!

But wait a minute, Jerome, wait a minute, the similarities I as your father am not even finished with yet! Listen. Because is the name which the boy's mother sat down and gave him good enough for this ungrateful child? Like with somebody else who your father happens to be as your father acquainted with, does the child exhibit the slightest gratitude for the name which a mother and a father went out of their way to bestow upon him, no questions asked?

Only even worse than you, Jerome.

Worse!

Believe me, worse isn't even the half of it. Because with you, darling, maybe there is a certain degree of rhyme or reason to it. But with the Pinkowitz kid? With him we are talking a whole different ball game altogether. With him we are talking a whole different picture!

Myself, boychik, when I heard it, when the woman is on the premises only an hour already, you could have blown your father over with a feather. The woman does not even have one stick of furniture moved in yet! Do you hear me, Jerome? Not one stick! But meanwhile this is how heartsick she is—the woman is so heartsick she's got to say to the moving man she is sorry but not for another instant could she stand the strain and the aggravation, would he please leave everything sit for a while while she goes and sees who her new neighbor is and gets this tragedy off her chest. And do you know why, darling? Because if the woman does not talk to somebody in the next two seconds, then she is going to have to take a pill.

Maybe even the whole bottle already!

JEROME
, I know I don't have to draw you a diagram to explain to you that it is I your father who is the individual next door. This is how small the world is, Jerome—you turn around and the next thing you know you are sitting there, the person next door! Sweetie guy, you could go ahead and send hoodlums. They could bring brass knuckles down here to get me with, but your father wants you to know one thing. In this world, Jerrychik, even if you couldn't believe it, there are worse things than what you did to your name when you made it J.D. I promise you, boychik, you go listen to Gert Pinkowitz with her Thomas, you will hear and you will hear plenty—a child which comes into this world with such a perfect name and then has the unmitigated gall to turn around and change it the instant they come along and say to the boy, "Pinkowitz—hey, Pinkowitz!—your name is Pinkowitz?"

All right, so the child wanted to make a good impression, Jerome. So, darling, so your father will tell you what happens when all you can think of in the world is making a good impression. Because if you remember Goldbaum, sweetheart, then you'll know who your father is talking about when I tell you the man's son comes home one day with a
blonde
. A blonde, Jerome, as your father lives and breathes, the man's son comes home with a blonde! But meanwhile Goldbaum couldn't learn to live with it? And also his wife of forty-odd years, this individual couldn't learn to do likewise? So they make a meal, Jerome. Are you listening to me, darling? Mrs. Goldbaum, God love her, she makes a meal. And right off the bat to begin with the woman naturally puts soup on the table. And the blonde, Jerome, the blonde who only wants in her heart of hearts to make a good impression on the Goldbaums, Jerome, the blonde says to them, "Oh, God, is this soup wonderful, is this delicious soup, never in my life did I ever have such an exquisite bowl of soup!" This is what the girl says, Jerome. So are you listening? The blonde says, "This soup, such a wonderful soup, such a wonderful soup—so tell me, everybody, what is it, what is it?" Darling, Mrs. Goldbaum shouldn't answer the girl? Believe me, Jerome, Mrs. Goldbaum you never met maybe, but let me tell you this is a civilized person. So to make a long story short, she says to the blonde, "Matzo ball soup, we call it matzo ball soup." Darling, verbatim, this is how Mrs. Goldbaum answers. But the blonde, Jerome, are you remembering her? This blonde which in her heart of hearts only wants to make on these people a good impression? Because I want you to hear what the blonde says as a consequence of the woman has only in her heart of hearts the best of intentions. You're listening, sweetie boy? Because this blonde which I am referring to, and I am quoting to you, sweetheart, your father is quoting—she says, "Well, it sure turns out a lot better than it does when they only make it from the matzo's shoulder."

Good impressions, Jerome—this alone is the aggravation which they give everybody, area code irregardless! But Mrs. Pinkowitz's Tommy, all the child can think of is how for him to make a good impression. And forget just a T. for Thomas.
Worse
, I'm telling you, Jerome! Worse by a long shot! Believe me, boychik, the sin you did to your name the instant your father's back was turned, it's nothing by comparison. Even the woman herself would tell you if you asked her. Because, don't kid yourself, I your father asked her, and Gert Pinkowitz stood there and answered me, "Solly, Solly, what your child did to you when he made it J.D., take my word for it as one parent to another, it was a blessing by comparison. A blessing, Solly, a blessing!"

Cutie fellow, it should only fly from your father's two lips to God's two ears when I say to you in all honesty, "The nerve of some children!" But all right, so send bullies to knock me down and rob me of my last shred of happiness, but I your father, Jerome, am no stranger to what a child can do to the heart of a parent. So my tears should not go out to this woman who has got a Thomas just like I your father got a Jerome? Darling, the woman cannot even speak when she says to me, "Solly, sit down, sweetheart, because I want for you to be utterly prepared for when you sit and hear what's in the literature industry the shock of the century." Sonny boy, I am telling you they could have come in here and blown your father over with a feather when the woman told me what the woman told me. To take a gorgeous name like Pinkowitz and go get cute with it, what kind of a child is it which goes ahead and does a thing like this? So if the boy had to have two syllables, so what, pray tell, is so wrong with Pincus? But Pynchon, darling, Pynchon, sweetheart, this is a name which makes no sense to anybody in the building from every conceivable angle!

So whoever heard of a name like Pynchon?

Tell me, Jerome, this is a name for a serious person? Believe me, darling, your father is willing to learn. So there is an area code somewhere where with a name like this the people there would not all look at you sideways?

So the child could not take Thomas and, just like my sonny boy himself, he couldn't go ahead and stick for himself maybe a little trim up there up on the top of it?

THIS IS WHY
I say to you, Jerome, you have to give comfort where comfort is due. But I promise you, boychik, in this case it's a pleasure, the woman is a living doll, so svelte it would break your heart. And meanwhile, I'm telling you, it's no trouble. I hear the creature crying both her eyes out, it's such an effort to run next door? So maybe this is where I was if you called last night and your father wasn't here to pick it up. So you called, darling? Tell me, you really went ahead and called? You know what, Jerome? I say you used the brains God gave you and you waited for when they knock the rates down and it would not cost you no arm and no leg for just for you to say hello to your father and also Happy High Holy Days!

Tell me, sweetheart, did your father figure it out?

So since when does a father not know a son?

Don't worry, boychik, when all is said and done, a father knows, a father knows—even if he don't go knocking himself out to broadcast it to the whole building. But Merv, Jerome, Merv you promised me you'll get busy and take care of it. Because I'll tell you something, darling. Can your father let you in on a big secret? A promise is a promise, yes? Because you remember when years and years ago you sat yourself down and you wrote about this woman who was so fat and like all day long this creature sits on her porch and listens to the radio? Darling, I'm going back years now, but tell me, do you remember? So because this creature was so lonely and also dying and so forth, it was you yourself which said, please God, the people on the radio should all get together and do for her their very utmost, since what's the woman got in the whole wide world for herself except the people which are, you know, which are talking on the radio? Sweetheart, sonny boy, I don't have to tell you it was you yourself which said this with your own two lips. So don't make a federal case, Jerome—is it such a big difference that I your father got a
television?
It's the same principle, Jerome, it's the same principle! Please, darling, for your father, and so please God you would not have to contradict yourself, be a sport and go on Merv and sit there and talk to the man like an adult. And if it is so important to you that it has to be a fat woman which is listening, and if your own father's own personal suffering is not sufficient for you, Jerome, then be a good boy and do it for my Gert, darling, do it for this adorable person, Mrs. Pinkowitz!