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I found my phone that same night at
Vitos
and while Zayne tried to call for a couple of days, I couldn't bring myself to answer it. As much as I want to see him, suddenly everything about our relationship, for lack of a better word, seems like a betrayal not only to Alec, but in a weird way to Kyle as well.

Now as I sit on my bed staring out of my window at the night sky, or what little I can see of it, I can't help but feel like everything is coming back ten fold. The pain has burrowed it's way deep inside my chest making it difficult to do something as natural as breathe.

I know there is only one place I want to go but I also know that it is the one place I need to avoid. I can't turn to Zayne. Not only do we not know each other well enough but I'm sure the last thing he wants is some hysterical woman showing up at his doorstep in the middle of the night.

Five years. Since it's after midnight, it has officially been five years that Kyle has been gone. Five years of walking through life with nothing but emptiness and guilt. Five years of wishing everyday that he was still here with me. And over the course of those five years I have started to forget and that scares me more than anything.

I forget the way he smelled. The way he laughed. I forget how it felt when he would hold my hand. I think that's the worst part about time. The more time that passes, the more the memories fade. But I don't want the memories to fade. I don't want to let him go. I don't want him to be just another dead person that no one will remember in fifty years. He deserves more than that. He deserves to be remembered.

I was seventeen when it happened and while back then, I swore we would be together forever, the truth of the matter is, I have no idea where we would be today if he was alive. Maybe we would still be together, maybe we wouldn't. It's the not knowing that bothers me the most. I wanted to be able to make that choice when the time came, not have it ripped away from me.

Deciding I can't just sit here any longer, I pull on a pair of jeans and a black tank before grabbing my keys off of my dresser. I have no idea if Zayne is awake or even at home for that matter but I don't care. If I sit in this apartment any longer, I'm going to drive myself insane and I have come too far to let this consume me. I have made so much progress over the last few weeks and I have to find a way to push through this. Zayne will be just the distraction I need.

Leaving a quick note on the counter for Emma telling her I went to Becca's, I quickly exit the apartment and head towards my car. I don't know the exact way to his apartment but I know it's in the
Hierser
building and that much I can figure out via GPS.

I roll my window down and turn on the radio before pulling out onto the quiet street. “Imperfect” by Stone Sour blares through the speakers of my car and I try my best to focus on the music and the breeze blowing through my hair.

I reach up and twirl the compass now hanging around my neck. I put it on the night I received it and have not taken it off since. Truth is, I may never take it off. Kyle bought it for me, one of the last things he probably did before he died. I feel like it deserves to see the world. Like wearing it somehow gives me a piece of Kyle to carry around with me.

I arrive at Zayne's within ten minutes, thankful that night traffic in New York is nothing like day traffic. The kind where you sit in a long line of cars for hours on end wondering why the hell no one is moving.

Luckily I made a point to look at Zayne's apartment number as we were leaving the last time I was here so I know exactly where to go once inside. But once I get there I can't bring myself to knock on the door. For one, I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week. Two, I have been crying for the last two hours and my swollen eyes and flushed cheeks are not the most attractive thing in the world. And three, the last thing he probably wants right now is for his best friends over emotional little sister, that he happens to have screwed a couple of times, showing up at his house in the middle of the night having an emotional breakdown.

I end up sitting against the wall next to his door and pulling my knees to my chest. My current ridiculousness only makes me cry harder and I drop my head against my knees, feeling like I have hit the lowest of lows. Only I haven't, not even close. I have been at my lowest before and that is a place I never want to visit again.

I don't know how long I sit there like that, my eyes closed, back pressed against the wall but a muffled voice eventually pulls me from my haze and I look up to see Zayne hovering over me. He's dressed in a suit and appears to just be getting home. Guess it's a good thing I didn't knock. Him not answering the door would have been worse.

“Grace. What the hell? Are you hurt?” Zayne drops down in front of me and lifts my face to meet his. I shake my head no and reach my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. I nuzzle my face into his neck and breathe in deeply, not realizing until now just how much I have missed him.

“Grace you have to talk to me. What's going on?” Zayne pulls back, once again studying my face.

“I'm sorry.” I say, finally finding my voice. “I'm sorry to just show up like this. I just needed.... I don't know. I needed to not be alone.” I say, my voice coming out as weak and pathetic as I feel.

“Come on.” He says, standing to his feet and pulling me with him. He puts his arm around my shoulder and holds me securely to his side while he unlocks the door and ushers us into his apartment. After leading me to the couch, he disappears into the kitchen but reappears just seconds later with two rocks glasses filled with ice and an amber liquid.

He hands me the glass before taking a seat next to me on the couch. I lean forward, my elbows on my knees and take a long drink, emptying the contents in a single gulp. It burns like fire but honestly, it feels good. The physical discomfort I can tolerate.    “Here.” He says, reaching in front of me to take my empty glass and swap it out with his still full one.

“Thank you.” I get out hoarsely before taking another drink, this one much smaller. “I'm so sorry to just show up like this. I'm usually okay. I have gotten through this every year on my own but then the necklace came and I don't know. It just all feels new again. It feels like it just happened and for the life of me I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this feeling go away.” I say, rocking slightly on the couch, tears spilling down my cheeks.

“Hey, it's okay. I'm right here.” He says, stilling my movements by draping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest. Just being close to him makes me feel a little better and I curl my body into him, needing to be as close to him as possible.

He takes the drink from my hand and sits it on the end table before wrapping both of his arms around me. He doesn't say anything or ask anything of me, he just simply holds me. Somehow understanding exactly what I need without me even having to ask. I just need someone to exist with me.

After several minutes of silence and once my tears have finally subsided for the most part, I finally pull back to look at him. I can't explain it but I swear the hurt I feel right now, I can see reflected in the blue eyes staring back at me, as if he somehow understands my pain.

“Thank you.” I say, adjusting myself on the couch so that my side is leaning into the back cushion, giving me the ability to face him. “Did Alec ever tell you what happened the year you came home with him for Thanksgiving? What was wrong with me or why I probably did not speak to one single person the entire time you were there?”

“No.” He says, reaching out and taking my hand, his thumb working slow circles across the back of it. “I mean, I asked him. I could tell something was off. But he just said you had been through hell but it wasn't his story to tell.” He says. My love for my oldest brother grows significantly upon hearing this. Always my protector.

“In June of that year, I went to a graduation party at “The Gulch” with my boyfriend Kyle and some of his other friends that had just graduated. I was just finishing my junior year and dreading a year where I would be stuck in Colorado while Kyle would be at WSU. Anyways “The Gulch” is pretty much this place where people hang out and there's a couple spots where you can cliff dive from. I promised Kyle we would jump the hundred foot cliff together but chickened out once we got up there. Kyle being Kyle picked me up and launched us both over the cliff together. It felt like it took me forever to reach the surface after hitting the water and when I finally did, I was ready to give Kyle Parker a piece of my mind.” I pause, trying to keep the quiver from my voice.

I have never actually told this story to anyone, well other than the police and the paramedics but that was different. “But then I couldn't find him. I remember frantically searching the surface of the water just waiting for him to pop up and scare me, only he never did. I heard someone screaming and remember looking to the shore. Someone was pulling Kyle's body out of the water. All I could see was red. Blood. It was everywhere. The rest is kind of a blur. I think I went into shock at some point. When I came to in the hospital several hours later, I learned that Kyle had died. He didn't jump out far enough and hit the rocks against the edge.” I take a deep breath and wipe the fresh tears from my cheeks before continuing.

“I remember thinking that there was no way that I could live without him. I wanted to die the moment I found out he was gone. And then came the guilt. If I had just jumped instead of chickening out, Kyle would have been able to launch himself further and therefore would have missed the rocks. But instead he died. Just like that, he was gone. I think a part of me died that day with him. Then after I was released, I picked up the phone to call him like I couldn't wait to tell him what had happened only I realized that I couldn't. I shut down after that. There was only one person I wanted to talk to and he was gone forever.” A light sob escapes my throat.

“You don't have to do this Grace. You don't have to tell me anything.” Zayne says, squeezing my hand lightly.

“I need to tell you. I need someone to understand. No one sees it. But you do. You see me and I need you to hear this. I just need to say it.” I say, pushing back the emotions welling in my throat.

He only nods so I continue. It's like once I opened the gates there's no closing them and I just keep talking. I don't care what he thinks of me in this moment. It just feels good to say all of this out loud.

“I tried to kill myself after that. I swallowed a whole bottle of pain killers. I just wanted it to be over. But my mom found me in time and I ended up in therapy and on antidepressants for a good year before I finally learned to just suck it up and deal with the pain on my own. I was sick of being looked at with pity and sadness. I didn't want pity, I wanted Kyle and since that was never going to happen again, I learned to get by, in my own way. But then this came last week.” I say, holding up the necklace in my hand.

“Kyle's mom found it. He bought it for me right before he died. He planned to give it to me before he left for college so I wouldn't worry while he was gone.” I say, flipping the charm over and pointing at the inscription.

Zayne silently reads it before his eyes meet mine. “This is why you haven't returned my calls?” He says, it's a statement rather than a question. A look of understanding in his eyes.

“I'm sorry. I don't know if it's normal to still feel like I belong to someone who has been dead for five years but a part of me does. I feel like moving on means leaving his memory behind and I don't want to just leave him behind.”

“Don't ever apologize for this Grace. You lost someone very close to you and that type of loss, well it stays with you. Forever I think. Moving on doesn't mean leaving that person behind.
He
will always be with you. It doesn't matter to him what life you choose for yourself so long as you choose to live it. Live the life he didn't have the chance to live. Live it for you and for him.”

Suddenly everything becomes crystal clear. The reason why I have avoided relationships like the plague for the last five years. It's not because I have some deep seeded guilt of moving on, it's from the fear of history repeating itself. What if I open myself up to the possibility of loving someone only to lose them too?

My gaze meets Zayne's and the fluttering in my heart confirms what I already know to be true. It's too late. I have already fallen, hard and fast. And I know without a doubt that when this ends, not
if
but when, it's going to be very, very bad.

––––––––

I
wake the next morning in an empty bed. As soon as my mind begins to process last nights events, I am immediately trying to rationalize why I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with Zayne. I can't be in love with someone I barely know. Someone who up until a few weeks ago I had never even spoken to.

No, it must just be my emotions. With all the different feelings flooding through me, it's hard to grasp what is real and what is simply a by product of my grief. Do I really love him or am I just so desperate to love someone that I am simply confusing love with lust? I want to love, to remember what it feels like to be the center of someone's universe and for them to be mine. And yet it is the thing I fear above anything else. Because loving and then losing in my opinion, is far greater than never loving at all.

Deciding not to dwell on it, I push myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. After freshening up and trying my best to straighten my wrinkled clothing that I am still wearing from yesterday, I go in search of Zayne.

I hear music in the hallway but it takes me a moment to figure out that it's coming from the study. I knock lightly on the door but I don't hear anything and not being sure if he can hear me over the music, I push my way through the door.

Zayne immediately looks up from behind the large desk and smiles sadly at me. Great. Now I have to worry about him pitying me too. Awesome. Exactly what I wanted to avoid. Taking a few steps inside, I make my way around the side of the desk and sit on the edge, turning inward to face Zayne.