Coming Undone (5 page)

“
Yes. Yes, it does, but sometimes…”

“
I know. I know.” He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear the platitudes about when it was your time to go and doing what’s right and letting go. What he wanted was for someone to wave a magic wand and get him out of this situation. “Listen, Kell. Thanks for listening. I’m going nuts here. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

“
Well, you’re welcome. I’d like to think if the tables were turned, you’d be there for me.”

Ben would like to think that too, but he couldn’t be at all sure of that because the times he hadn’t been spun through his tired soul. “I’ll let you know how things go.”

“
Okay. And remember, we’re here for you whatever you need.”

“
Thanks, man.”

Kathryn pulled at the side of her skirt, smoothing and fixing it. She should be listening, of course, but her attention kept straying from the pulpit to that nice-looking set of shoulders just two rows ahead of her. She should have sat up there. Ugh. Why hadn’t she? Then she would be in the same row as him.

Her face heated at the thought of the glimpse she’d caught of him striding down the aisle as he came in. He had such a nice walk. Firm. Confident. Yes, he did look a little younger than she’d at first thought he was, but then those things were so deceiving, how could she know for sure?

The sermon ended, and she stood with everyone else. It wasn’t proper, but her gaze went right to his back. He had on a soft yellow shirt, buttoned down, nice—like something someone would wear to a casual office. She wondered what he did for a living and tried to guess. Maybe he was in sales or management. Management. Yeah. That could be it.

The thought of what kind of car he drove or what kind of apartment he had drifted through her mind. Nice. Yes, they would all be nice. They had to be. Nice-looking guy, nice place, nice ride. Yes, they would be nice. She tipped her head as her thoughts strayed even further to what it might be like to go on a date with him. Where would he take her?

She could see him getting out at some nice restaurant to come around to help her out of the car. Of course he was a gentleman. Why wouldn’t he be? After all, he was nice. Movement next to her snagged her attention, and she jumped. “Oh.”

The Our Father. Time to hold hands. She smiled at the older man who was offering her his hand even as the rest of the congregation had gone on with the prayer. Quickly she obliged and jumped into the prayer mid-stream. When she returned her gaze to the front, she let the words continue without even hearing them. He was tall. She wondered how tall he was up close because the floor of the church was sloped so that she couldn’t really tell. Maybe six foot, maybe even a little taller.

Yes, that would be perfect next to her. The prayer ended and the rest of everything drifted by her in a haze of what ifs and maybes. By the end, she was certain that they were destined to be together forever. Now to get his attention. The final hymn ended, and it was then that she realized he was on the outside of the bench, but she was in the middle so that he turned and headed for the doors with no way for her to get to him through the crush of the others. Man, she was bad at this.

She smiled in his direction, hoping he would look at her. Instead, he shook someone’s hand on the other side and strode right on by her pew. This was not how the story was supposed to end. Hello! she wanted to yell. Soulmate over here!

But he just kept walking. Even when she was out of the bench, the crowd pouring out with her impeded her progress. She caught a single, solitary glimpse of him as he exited the doors. “Oh, excuse me,” she said to the little old lady she almost tripped over. Her hands shot out to steady the woman, but her gaze was already at those back doors.

He was gone. He couldn’t be gone. That wasn’t fair. Ugh. Ten more steps through the molasses of people, and she knew he was gone for good, in the parking lot, in his nice car, with his sunglasses on... At first she was upset by that, but then she rationalized that at least she knew he did come to church on a semi-regular basis and he always sat in the same pew. Alone. All she had to do was change where she sat, and they were as good as a couple.

“
Ben,” Dr. Vitter said, shaking his hand.

“
Dr. Vitter.” There wasn’t a thing Ben liked about this. Dr. Vitter looked far too concerned, far too serious.

They sat simultaneously, and Ben fought not to squirm right out of his chair.

“
We got the MRI’s back this morning, and unfortunately, there has been more bleeding overnight.”

“
Um-hm.” More bleeding. That did not sound good. “But you can fix that, right? I mean, you can… with the surgery.”

Dr. Vitter’s gaze slipped to the desk. “Even with surgery, your father’s chances of ever coming out of this are very, very slim.”

“
But…” Air, words, hope—they all escaped. “But there is… I mean, there is still a chance. Something. Some drug or something.”

Although he never actually shook his head, Dr. Vitter’s whole demeanor said,
No, there isn’t
. “I’m sorry, Ben. Really, I am. If there was any way I thought we’d have a chance, I would give it to you. But he’s too far gone. There’s too much damage, and to keep him ‘alive’ like this…” He put quotes around that word, raking right over Ben’s heart with the gesture. “Your father wouldn’t want this.”

“
I…” He cleared his throat because suddenly he wanted to cry more than he ever had. He blinked the tears back. “Okay.” Reaching up, he scratched at his shoulder which suddenly felt like it was crawling with something. “Um. Then what…” The lump grew in his throat so that he had to clear it again. “What do we do now?”

We
. Such a strange word. There was no we. Only I and me. He’d loved those words for so long. Suddenly they felt very, very lonely.

“
Well, I think it’s time to consider the possibility of hospice.”

“
Hospice. Hm.” Why could he not get more than a word out without choking up? “What’s that?”

“
Hospice,” Dr. Vitter explained as the world did that tilt away from Ben thing again. Why could he not concentrate when the doctor was spelling out the options? Why did it seem that the doctor’s mouth was moving but no sound was coming out? “It really is not as ghoulish as it sounds. It gives the patient a place to die in peace without heroic methods being used to prolong a life that is fading.”

“
Hm. I’m sorry. And where is this… this hospice place?” Ben could think of no place bad enough for this to be. The deep recesses of hell came to mind.

“
On the northwest side of the building. It’s a smaller building although it is connected to the hospital.”

Ben nodded, not at all sure that those words even made sense. “And he would be moved there?”

“
Yes. Once you sign the papers, we would do the transfer.”

“
Uh-huh.” There was no catching any thought in his head. He stood and stepped over to the window, not wanting to be in this room anymore, having this discussion. He looked out at the traffic longingly. “And what if I don’t sign the papers?”

“
Well.” Only now did Dr. Vitter hesitate. “We would continue to keep your father on the life support systems as long as they worked, but you have to understand, he will almost assuredly not come out of this comatose state.”

“
Yeah, but if I do this, if I sign those papers, then that’ll be it. He will definitely die?”

There was a slight moment of hesitation. “Yes.” The doctor’s tone was grave. “He will.”

Ben wanted to run more at that moment than he ever had before. Looking out into the parking lot far below, he put his hand on the back of his neck, feeling knots he didn’t remember ever being there. They were giving him a terrible headache. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can do that… sign those papers I mean… I mean, how… how can I do something like that? How can I make that kind of decision? I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“
No, seriously, Kate,” Misty said on Monday afternoon as they stood at the nurse’s station in St. Anthony’s Hospice. “I get it. There was a good-looking guy at church, and he’s probably wonderful and perfect for you. But you didn’t even talk to him. You don’t even know if he’s single. I mean, that’s great, and maybe it will work out, but in case he… I don’t know… shows up with a girlfriend next weekend or something, why don’t you just go out with Nathan and give him a chance too? He really is a nice guy, and I’ve actually talked with him.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “Why does this have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just find a guy, fall in love, have a couple babies, and live happily ever after like everybody else does?”

“
Uh, because nobody does that?”

“
Yes they do. Look at you and Casey. You’re both married with kids and the whole thing.”

“
Yes, but it’s not a bed of roses for us either. I can’t tell you how frustrated I get when I’m thinking new bedroom furniture and Zac comes home with a new power mower. Ugh. I’d like to shoot him, and sometimes I think I would if I didn’t love him so much.”

“
But that’s what I mean. That’s what I want. I want to be so frustrated with him that I want to shoot him but know I never would. I want that, and I’m so tired of waiting and thinking maybe it’s never going to happen for me.”

“
So, then why are you afraid to go out with a guy that might make it happen?”

Kathryn’s shoulders slumped forward. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just afraid of being disappointed again.”

“
Uh-huh. So you’re going to refuse to even try even though you keep telling me you want that more than anything.”

The phone next to Misty beeped, and she picked it up. Kathryn knew to politely find something else to listen to. She was good at doing that. Her own thoughts seemed as good a place as any to disappear. Misty was probably right. What was she doing pining away for some guy two rows up that she had never met when another perfectly nice guy might be waiting for her if she just said yes?

“
Yeah, she’s right here.” Misty put her hand over the phone. “Dr. Vitter for you.”

Snapping back into work mode, Kathryn stood. “I’ll take it in my office.” She strode down the hall, knowing what was waiting on the other side of the phone call. Another patient. Without really thinking and because it was always her first line of defense, she whispered in her heart, “Lord, please be with this person and their family as they begin their transition to You.”

In her office she sat down, wiped her eyes as if Dr. Vitter could see her pathetic state, picked up the phone, and pushed the blinking button. “This is Kathryn.”

“
Kathryn, oh, good.” He sounded genuinely relieved, and she knew this was more than a routine call. “Listen, I’ve got some rather bad news, and I’m afraid I’m going to need some help with this one.”

“
Okay. What’s up?” Her prayers kicked into a higher gear.

“
Well, I’m sure you remember Dr. Warren with the oversight office.”

“
Yes.”

“
Well, he was admitted on Friday night, and I’m afraid I just got the MRI’s back. It does not look good.”

“
Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” On her desk, she wrote,
Dr. Warren. MRI.
“Is this a stroke or a car accident or what?” Not that it really mattered, but it was always nice to have the information going into any meeting with the family.

“
A massive stroke. The family’s really struggling with the hospice decision. I think it’s a matter of not understanding the program. I was wondering if you could come talk with them just to maybe put their mind at ease, you know?”

“
Yes. All right. Are they there right now?”

“
I can let them know you’re on your way.”

“
I’ll be there in ten.”

“
Thanks, Kathryn.”

She almost said her good-byes.

“
And Kathryn?”

“
Yes?”

“
Go easy, okay? This is really a tough one.”

Nodding, she steadied her heart. They were all tough. “I will.” She hung up, stood, and left the rest of her work behind. As many of these meetings as she had had over the course of her career, they never got any easier, and she never wanted them to. It was too important that she not become hardened to the difficulty of the transition of death. No matter how many times she went through it, she had to remember that the family had not had nearly so much practice. Most had had none at all.

She boarded the elevator and let her gaze slide up to the numbers above. “Dear Lord, please be with the Warrens. Give them Your love. Help me to help them through this difficult time. Give me the right words, God. Please, do this through me…”

Never had Ben ever wanted to feel like this again—like his world was shattering and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. He remembered this pain with crystal-clear clarity. In fact, it was still so fresh, he wondered if he had ever truly forgotten it. Tears came to his eyes, but he beat them back. He couldn’t start crying now. If he did, he might never stop.

Hunched over his knees in the waiting room, he pushed his mind to topics that he might be able to deal with. Things like how things were at work and if Simon had called the Naxel Company yet to explain the situation. Explain the situation. Ha. That was a joke. Ben wanted to scream, “How did this happen?” And inside he was screaming that and so much more. How he was managing to keep it all on the inside, he had no clue because it felt like it might burst from him at any moment.