Commitments (14 page)

"Let Mommy do that ... please ...'

Chapter 6.

brina was largely

paralyzed during the first week ",aft Nick's departure. Caring for Nicky was one of the s she could do with any semblance of order. e felt oddly, as though she were waiting to see if ic would change his mind. A tiny part of her - the A e y feminine part - wanted that, if for no other

=son than that it would give her the chance to tell hian, herself, that it was over. And that was what the ,:larger part of her knew. What had happened was for Ahe best. There was no chance of reconciliation; Meither of them thought it, mentioned it, wanted it. Mhatever had brought them together eight years before was gone. In its wake was an amalgam of resentment, disillusionment and disappointment. Nick had said it -first, but Sabrina felt it too; when they looked at each other, they relived the anguish of the past three years. Better to be free of that ugly yoke. She did feel regret when Nick returned to pick up the rest of his things, but it was a mourning not for , loss of the man but for the institution that had failed. During the second week, she was able to think. Nick had said that he'd see she remained financially secure - I which had been a chauvinistic touch on his part, since she was financially secure on her own. But she retained a lawyer to represent not so much her interests, but Nicky's, in the negotiation of a settlement. Yes, she was financially independent, but the Greenhouse was expensive. Should she decide to place 141 Nicky there - or in a comparable institution - she wanted to be assured of Nick's long-range cooperation. Having opted out of all emotional responsibility, he owed her that much. By the end of two weeks, she couldn't wait any longer. Page 49

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

She needed to see Derek. She knew that it was crazy that she should feel better with him than with just about anyone else, but she did. On the outside he -was tough, the son of a felon and a felon himself. But that toughness was born of things like anger and humiliation, and in spite of it all a soft streak showed throu_rh_. She identified with him. She felt as though they shared very different kinds of pain that were somehow the same. With his dark side and his moods, he challenged her. And the story of his experience was just waiting to be written. She wanted the professional focus it would give her life. This time, rather than being led to the visiting room in which she'd seen him both times before, she was escorted to an open yard at one side of the prison complex. There were trees and benches, half a dozen picnic tables and lots of grass. In spite of the presence of the guards and the multiple rows of very high, very thick, very probably electrified wire fencing that encircled the prison, the overall atmosphere of the yard was more relaxed. Sabrina chose a bench beneath a large maple. Sun shimmered through its newly budding leaves to dapple the bench's worn green paint. She sat down and crossed her legs, trying to look nonchalant when she felt excited and more than a little apprehensive. She was never quite sure how she'd be received. Then he came. She caught sight of him at the far end 142 Ahe yard, a dark figure in denim; she watched him .@'-Apprwch in what she'd come to think of as the inmate @,.`N, Pjauffle, though it was truly more a saunter than a *uffle. They all did it; Derek was no different. It was Slow indolent gait that alternately said, ' don't have better to do/

and, more defiantly, ' don't a what you say, I'll get there when I get e She didn't know which he was feeling - indif-. defiance but by the tilne he was within or et, she saw something in his eyes that made enty fe t e point moot. That something grew stronger with each step he took By the time he stopped, she'd risen from the bench, and in the next instant she was in his arms, being hugged up into his tall, lean frame. She was aware of feeling an incredible relief, as though she'd been hanging in midair for the past five weeks and only now felt safe. But there was more than that. Her ,,""',;,',senses were, suddenly full in ways they hadn't been W_' A then - full with the solidity of Derek's body, his warmth his scent, Implausible as it seemed with her life as messed up 40 his, she felt happy. At that moment she actually felt Vll happy. ure for a mimite She let herself feast on that'pleas 1.%,-,@,:'before raising her head. ' got my note, didn't you?' @',Tl ''d followed up her call with a note to better explain why she hadn't been able to come. Nodding, he took in her features one by one. ' the phone message before that?, she asked, feeling warm all over and liking it. ' little late.' ' I told them it was urgent.' He raised one shoulder in a negligent shrug. ''s okay now. At the time I was mad as hell.'And crushed. 143 He couldn't tell her how held been counting each day of those three weeks, how devastated he'd been when he'd waited and waited and she hadn't shown, how empty he'd felt - and how foolish. ''m sorry/ she whispered. Her hands were clasped loosely around his neck, while his moved slowly over her back. She felt the heat of his body through her sweater and skirt, thawing parts of her that she hadn't known were frozen. ' all happened so suddenly, just the night before ...' She was lost in the depths of his eyes, which were a richer gray than she'd ever seen them. ''s okay."

"If it had been anything but that, I'd have come.' ' know.' ' was scary, Derek.' He loved the way she said his name. Even more than that, he loved the way she was looking at him. He saw hunger in her eyes, though whether her hunger was for compassion, companionship or sex, he didn't know. But she wasn't making any attempt to break from his embrace, even though she had to feel what she was doing to him. His insides were quivering, and he was growing hard in a place he hadn't been minutes before. ', Mcgill!' Ice water couldn't have been more effective at dampening Derek's passion. His body stiffened. He tightened Page 50

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

his hold of Sabrina and whipped his head around. A guard stood a dozen feet away, gesturing for them to separate. He muttered a crude oath as he held Sabrina tightly for a defiant minute longer. The guard had to call his name again, this time more sharply, before he gradually loosened his grip, slid his hands from her back to her arms, then finally released her completely. He made a gesture of his own, indicating to Sabrina 144 should sit. Taking deep, measured breaths, he his head and ran a hand through his hair. With weight set on one hip and a finger hooked through ,;,"'f, the beltless loop of his jeans, he glared at the ground. t @. Sabrina saw his fury and shared his frustration. She

,11,1,@., minted to turn and shriek at the guard who had been

"responsible for destroying a rare and lovely moment. Jaut it was a foolish impulse, quickly controlled. She waited silently for Derek to gather himself and join ,', her. Vhy did he do thatv she asked softly. He sat forward with his elbows on spread thighs and S '`.' his fingers tightly laced. The muscle in his jaw worked. W His nostrils flared around each angry breath. ' I'm ine.' She leaned closer, unconsciously seeking the warmth she'd had moments before. rwhat do you 1W. mean?' His hardened gaze

roamed the yard. ' discrimmation. I was a somebody in the free world, so I have to work twice as hard in here.' ' what was the problem if we were touching?' Wot touching. Em-bra-cing.' '

isn't allowed?, 4.Once at the beginning, once it the end. "'But this is the beginning.' ' Frank decided the beginning was over.' ''s not fair.' He s ice I d her a look that started with a sarcastic -twist of the lips, then softened into a crooked smile :,`--when he saw her wounded expression. ' fair, huh?' ''ve seen other couples hold each other much longer -and no one says a word - even when their hands are all ,4-lover the place. Look over there/ she said, tossing a ance toward one of the other benches. ''s on his 145 lap, and he isn't treating her for a scraped knee. If that isn't an em-bra-ce'-she drawled the word as he had - ' don't know what is.' ''s an embrace/Derek said, but he ''t looking at the couple on the other bench. There was too much to see on Sabrina's face, like the brightness of her pale green eyes and the flush on her cheeks. And the faint smudges beneath her eyes and the worry lines between her brows. ''s Nicky?' Her gaze flew to his. She took a deep breath. ''s okay now.' ' he had any other seizures?' She shook her head. ' have medication in case he does, but there's been nothing since that first one. I wish I could say, "thank God", but I'm not sure what's worse - the seizure itself or waiting for it to happen.' ''s because it's all still new. You expect a seizure any minute. Once time passes and nothing happens, you'll relax more." That was what the hospital'social worker had said. Coming from Derek it sounded less patronizing, more believable. ' hope so.' Derek wanted to know more. He'd often wondered about Nicky. Since Sabrina had refused to be interviewed for his story, he'd never learned the history of the child's illness. And he wanted something, needed something, to overshadow his darker thoughts. Vhat was he like, when he was born?' '

was a complacent baby for the first couple of months. Actually, he was complacent even before he was born.' Derek tried to imagine her pregnant, tried to imagine her stomach puffed and round. He succeeded too well. The image was lovely. It was also sexy as hell, and his 146

responded quickly. He was glad he was sitting as as. didn't move around much inside you?' you have morning sickness?' He was a terrific little kid. Another cruel irony. so happy, so excited about having a baby/ she d and her eyes, those telling eyes of hers, reflected , that until they turned bewildered. ' wish I knew -*here it all went wrong.' '

did you first notice that Nicky was differentv on the day he was born/

she said dryly. ' was like every other mother who looks at her child and worries. From the very beginning I thought Nicky was too still. I didn't think he was focusing the way he should. Even the little fussing he did seemed strange, somehow distant, ill-timed, inappropriate, Page 51

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

distracted. But everyone said he was fine and healthy and beautiful, and I wanted to believe that. So I pushed my worries aside. If you're asking when I began to take them seriously, it was when I took him to have his picture taken. He was fourteen weeks old. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing - I'd been walking through Macy's; the photographer was there; I thought it would be fun.' ' wasn'tv She shook her head. ' stood in line watching the .,other children go before us. They smiled and laughed. A couple of thern were really homely, but still they were sweet,'and the photographer was good with the ones who cried. She had a way with kids.' Sabrina paused, sniffed in a long breath and arched a brow toward Derek. ' with Nicky. He fussed the whole time. She shook a rattle. She waggled a furry rabbit. She put on a hand puppet. Nothing worked. She never 147 got him past the fussing stage - forget trying to make him smile. But that wasn't all.' Any humor she'd exhibited in the telling of the story faded then, and the line between her brows grew more pronounced. ' couldn't hold himself like the others, I knew he wasn't doing well with his head, and rd already asked my doctor about it and been given li tle exercises to do, but it wasn't only his neck. It was his hands and his arms, his legs, his whole body. He just ... drooped ... and looking at him in comparison to those other kids, some of whom were barely half his age, I knew. I knew.' Needing to give her comfort, Derek smoothed a strand of blond hair back from her cheek. It was soft to the touch. He watched it settle over the greater mass of blond, then dance a little when the breeze picked up. Did the doctors confirm it then?' She dipped her head slightly in the direction from which that comfort hid come, but the hand was already gone. ' should only Eave been that easy/ she murmured. ' Nicky was five months old, my own pediatrician was still saying he'd be fine. I started seeing specialists then, and they all said, yes, he was slow, but there wasn't much that could be done until he was a little older. It wasn't until he'd hit a year that I finally had a doctor look at me and say, "Your son is retarded." I Remembering that moment, she wrapped her arms around herself and dropped her gaze to her feet. She was wearing low heels that matched the khaki green of her long sweater and skirt. The way the color clashed with the grass was appropriate. ' never thought I'd face something like this. It's something that's supposed to happen to other people - to poor people who can't afford prenatal care, or cruel people 148 sible people k their kids around, or iffespon leave their kids alone with plastic Baggies, or ... --dumb people.' She raised her eyes to Derek's. bigoted, huh?' i e, that's all.' she said with a sigh that was part philosophidiscouraged, ''m paying for my sins twentyhours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a and you can add self-pity to-the list. I know I'm g in it, and I don't care. I really don't care." Zlself-pity feels good sometimes.' "You do it, too?' '.' And a lot more often lately, when he'd been tock-hard with no source of relief. But he didn't want to go into that. ''m surprised you were able to get away. Who's with Nicky now? Another of the therapists?' ' a matter of fact, I she said, feeling a tiny burst of strength, ' hired someone new. Do you remember the @,@'rftaid who let you in when she shouldn't have?' He @-,',;tiodded, so she went on. ' let her go last week and 4"'hired a live-in nurse who could give me more of a hand Nicky.' '

maid wasn't good with, him?' had a bad back. Or said she had a bad back. I think she hated kids., ' why did you hire her in the first place?"

"I didn, t., it took Derek just a minute to interpret the look in her eye. So her husband had hired the maid. ' I'm glad you let her go/

he said. His double meaning was clear and he felt not the slightest remorse. ' s will ease up for you now.' q hope so/ she said quietly. TO him, Sabrina. TO him Nick's gone. ' can't get much worse than 149 they've been. Assuming there aren't any more emergency trips to the hospital . Her voice trailed off. Suddenly she wasn't thinking of Nick, nor of Derek's right to know about the separation. She Page 52

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

was thinking of that last emergency trip to the hospital and of the feelings she'd had. She needed to tell someone. She had held those thoughts in and held them in, but she needed to tell someone now, and Derek was there. ' was difficult being with Nicky in the hospital fte that.' Her voice was small, which was how she ' some ways it was no different from all the other times I've brought him in for examinations and tests. I sit and wait and pray that they'll find something, that they'll be able to give me a specific cause for his problems and then give him a little pill that will suddenly wake him. up and make him like other children his age. Little pill, big pill, operation, something, anything. Lately ...' She rubbed her arm. ' it's been even harder, because there are times when I almost pray that they diagnose Idni as having something terminal. I She dared a quick glance at Derek.