Commitments (32 page)

he's bored.' '.' The paper rustled as he lowered it. ' don't think he'll come after me because, A, he knows I suspect him; B, he knows other people know I suspect him; and, C, he's reached the stage where he has too much to lose. He's running for the US Senate.' 323 , know.,

"It'd be another feather in his cap. He wants it bad. The slightest hint of a scandal could ruin it all. I doubt he'd risk that.' Sabrina studied Derek's face. It was fully composed, but his eyes were darker now, his features set in stone. ''re not going to let him win, are you? I With deliberate slowness, Derek shook his head. She hugged her knees to her chest and rocked slowly back and forth. ''re going after the files!

With deliberate slowness, Derek nodded. ''t do it/ she whispered.

"Let it be.' ' can't. The man took two years of my life, not to mention that many more in mental anguish.' Sut it's over. You're out. You can start again.' ' said than done, and, damn it, I shouldn't have to Page 117

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start again. I worked too hard to build what I had. Noel Greer knocked it down with a deliberate sweep of his hand, and he's going to pay for that.' ''ll only bring more trouble.' ' the way I've planned it!

"You could end up dead.' We all end up dead, Sabrina.' Her eyes continued to plead while she held up a hand. ' me write it. just write it. You can tell your story to the world.' ' story?' ' one you've been telling me., ''s no story. It's my supposition, and it isn't worth shit without proof. I can't go public with accusations about a man like Noel Greer without evidence to back them up. No one would publish a book like that. I would be a sure target for a libel suit! As a writer, Sabrina. could easily see his point. As 324 _Ae woman who loved him, she was less easily swayed. ;-"qvhat exactly, do you plan to do? she asked quietly. ' those files.' '?' ' they

are, and don't ask me where that is, because I don't know. They were Lloyd Ballantine's files, and there has to be a clue to them somewhere in his life. I'll use your research as a starting point and go on from there. If Ballantine was corruptible, it had to be because he had a weakness. Greer found it and used, it. I have to learn what it is if I want to locate those files-1 ' when you do?' Derek held her gaze with one that was formidable. ' you write, but not a book. That would take too long, and if my hunch is correct, what we find will be hot news. Noel Greer can go ahead and campaign for the Senate, but when my find hits the newsstands, his campaign will be shot. And that's what I want, Sabrina.' His tone was low and vengeful. ' want him ruined.' His words seemed to echo in the air, tapering gradually to a thundering silence. Sabrina didn't move, other than to swallow hard once. ' you okay?'he asked cautiously. She nodded. When he talked about Greer, Derek lost himself to ,@,,his anger, but Sabrina's pale face and worried eyes led him back. He needed to know where he stood. ' you think I'm wrong?

"No.' ' don't sound sure.' /I am. 1 ' hear skepticism.' '. Maybe sadness.' 325 Derek's brows lowered. He tugged at a rip in the knee of his sweatpants. ' for me? Or for you? Tor US. '?' ' was hoping ... wishing ... we could be happy for a while.' ' can be."

"But there's that shadow. There's where you've been - His eyes shot to hers, suddenly hard and probing. 11 thought you didn't mind that. I thought you accepted the fact that I've done time., ' do. But everything that's happened to you is so real that it's almost unreal, and that frightens me. I listen to you and watch you and I'm frightened. I can forget that you've been in prison, but you can't.' ' right I can't/ he said with a vehemence that made her point. She tried to see it from his side, but it was hard when she loved him so much. Sh@ wanted him safe. She wanted them together and happy. ' isn't fair. It should be over.' ' isn't fair is that it happened in the ffiurst place.' ' won't be happy until you get your revenge., '. I won't be satisfled until I get my revenge. I can be very happy in the meantime. I He was facing her on the bench; his position hadn't changed, but there was an alertness to his body, a caution to his expression that hadn't been there earlier. ' do you think, Sabrina? Can you handle it? Can you handle being with me, knowing what I've got to do? `1 don't have a choice.@ ' do. I'm giving you one. If it's going to be too rough, I can leave. I can go back to New York. You 326 It deserve this. I've known it since the first time you came to Parkersville, and it's still true. You've had @enough to five with in the last three and a half years. You're just beginning to emerge from that other nightmare. Maybe my being here is the last thing you need.' , the first. I He barely heard her soft rejoinder, so intent was he on baring his concern. '

wrote that you wanted to be alone. That you needed to be alone. You wanted to find out who you were and whereyou were going. I haven't given you much time for that.' . , ' of the first things I learned when I Page 118

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moved up here was that I didn't want to be alone.' You were just lonesome. The shock of leaving the city., ' was more than that. Once the novelty of having the ultimate freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted wore off, I realized that I missed having some-... one to be with.' ' thought you'd met people up here.' ' have. They're really nice. But it's not the same.' ' same as what?' '.' Derek felt a familiar tightness gather in his throat because he knew exactly what she meant, only he -hadn't realized it until then. She had put the word to a feeling he'd been blindly reaching for since the very . time they'd met. Unsure of his silence, Sabrina hurried on in her own defense. ''s a strength. Two months ago I didn't know that. I thought that if you weren't able to live alone . was something wrong with you, some deficiency.' She took a quick breath. ' I am able to Jive alone. I guess I did prove that to myself . I got everything settled in New York and moved up here, 327 and functionally I was doing just fine. But then it became a matter of choice. Personal preference. I like sharing. I like doing for other people. I like having other people do for me once in a while. In a nutshell, I'm able to live alone, but I don't choose it.' Derek studied the earnestness of her expression. There was something so serious about her that he couldn't resist teasing.

"Then anyone would do?' ' ' a roommate.' For several minutes she stared at him. Then the comer of her mouth twitched in the beginnings of a chiding smile. ', anyone would not do. I'm very fussy about roommates.' Reaching forward, she drove a handful of fingers into his hair. ' want someone with dark hair, for instance. I like dark hair.' ' like blond hair.' "Then there's no problem. And shoulders. I Her hand fell to glide over the skin in question. It was firm, buttressed by muscle. ' like strong'shoulders. I noticed that about you from the first. Your shoulders hold a lot.' Her gaze slid lower. '

your chest. A roommate of mine has to have a chest like this.' Her free hand had joined its fellow in touching him. She was really getting into the game. ' skin, just enough hair, needs a little filling out around here' - she patted his ribs - but I'm working on that., ''re working on itv ' YOU. I ' like I'm doing my share of the cooking.' ',' she said in a animous sigh. '

requirement in a roommate of mine. just and fair division of labor."

"You could have hired a dark-haired maid and paid her to do it all.' 328

But Sabrina was shaking her head. ' woman wouldn't have the right equipment.' Her palms were flat on his abdomen, fingers dipping under the waistband of his sweatpants. Her fingertips brushed the more curly hair that she couldn't quite see. Derek was beginning to labor at breathing. ' fiffing out there/he managed but hoarsely. Her hands slid lower. ' you are/ she observed in a siren-soft voice. He pressed his fists to the wooden bench on either side of his hips. While one part of him ached to grab Sabrina and drag her over him, the other part didn't want anything to disturb what she was doing. She knew just how to touch him. She knew the movement, the pressure, the little tricks that set him on fire. He'd taught her some of it himself; the rest she'd learned through adventure and instinct. Muscles quivering at the restraint he imposed on himself, he gave a quiet moan, then murmured thickly, ' do it to me every time, Sabrina. I haven't been this miserable since I was a kid. It's like being bom again. She chuckled, a throaty, sensual chuckle that turned him on even more. ' quite the way the Jesus freaks would put it., ' the Jesus freaks.' '/ she whispered, looking up at him with eyes that were green and hungry, don't waste it on them. I want it.' He'sucked in a harsh breath and covered her hands with his own to still their movement. Then, sliding his arms under her, he scooped her up and strode from the kitchen through the hall and the living room into the master suite. 329 The bed was a tangle of sheets, but that was irrelevant. -What mattered to Derek was laying Sabrina down, opening her robe and devouring her nakedness with his eyes Page 119

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while he divested himself of his sweatpants. He was fully aroused when he lowered himself to her heat. She framed his face with her hands and made him look at her in those last lucid moments. ' is why just any roommate wouldn't do. You set me on fire, Derek. I've only had one other lover, and he never turned me on this way.' ' you'll let me stay? I Derek whispered. Her smile grew silky as he slowly entered her. ''ll let you stay.' ''s not just sex, is it?' he asked. He was standing in the bathroom later that day watching Sabrina dry her hair. Her body was bound in a large terry towel that matched the one swathing his hips. '

course it's sex.' Her teasing gaze slid over his chest and belly to the faint bulge below. ' are very well endowed.' '.' ''m serious.' She pressed her lips together for a minute, then ventured with a glint in her eye, Vellhung - isn't that the expression?' ,!,

"Hmm?' For the space of several breaths. he said nothing. Then he tipped his head just the slightest bit and asked with just the slightest unsureness, ' you really think so ... uh, like it ... notice things like thatv ' I do/ she said, then added more quietly, but it's not just sex and you know it.' She flipped on the dryer and resumed work on her hair. 330 `1 want to stay.' r1.1mrn? P He raised his voice to make himself heard over the dryer's hum. 11 do want to stay. I like it here., Sabrina kept at her hair because it was the most casual thing to do. She felt far from casual inside. Each of Derek's words counted toward a dream. ''s not too quiet for you?' '? After what I've lived through for two years?' ' was thinking of your life before that. You were used to things happening. Not much happens up here on a day-to-day basis.' "That's a matter of opinion. Since I've been here I've seen sun, clouds, rain and snow.' The last was falling outside the window just then, but it was a wet snow that promised to revert to rain before long.

"And as for my life before, it was a rat race - a blur of airline flights and interviews and screerungs and red tape. I'm not sure I could handle that right now even if I wanted to. I need this, Sabrina. I need to be here with you., She did turn off the dryer then. ' you tell me when you get tired of it? ', or if ?' '. Both.' ' if I never do? ' I'll know it, because you'll be content. That's what I want, Derek. I want you to be content. If you are, I arn.' He lowered his head and arched a brow her way. ''s a heavy load. Your happiness shouldn't be dependent on mine.' ' not. But if you stay here, it will be. That's what love is about., Leaning forward, he caught her lips in a soft kiss that lingered. in time, though, he drew back. His eyes 331 held their familiar shadow. ' you accept that I have to go after those ffies?' ''m working on it.' ' you help me? I ' if I can't convince you to change your mind. 1you canit.1 She dropped her gaze to the dryer - which at that moment resembled the nozzle of a gun - and thought about the possible danger. Then she looked back at Derek and thought about the alternative. Frustration and helplessness could eat a person alive. She knew. When it came to Nicky, there had been nothing she could do. But possibly, just possibly, Derek could vindicate himself. If the choice was between a haunted Derek and one who had found peace of mind, there was no choice at all. ''ll help/ she said. Only with the breath he released did Derek realize how much he'd wanted her help 7 and how unsure of it he'd been. it was a form of commitment. He needed that commitment. Wrapping his arms around her, he drew her against his tall frame. ' you/ he whispered. ' do we start?"

"After the first of the year. After Greer declares his candidacy. He may be the one running, Sabrina, but in the end it'll be our victory." Sabrina could only pray that he was right. ''s living there? With you?' '-huh.' '.' The deep and disapproving voice of her father bellowed through the telephone, ' in the blazes are you doing?' 332

"Right now?'-Purposely misinterpreting his ques-tion, she held the telephone cord aside and twisted to eye the crowded kitchen counter.

"Making pumpkin pies. ' in the blazes are you doing with Mcgi. U?, Page 120

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"Mmm, do you really want to know@l she asked a little too softly. Gebhart Monroe countered with a boom. ' you actually invite him there? Had she invited him there? She'd never issued a formal invitation, but the offer had been between the lines of every letter she'd written. ', I think I did.' ' why?' ' not? I'm not married anymore. I'm not tied to another man. Nor am I a twenty-one-year-old virgin.' Gebhart was silent for just a minute, obviously gathering his composure. In some ways he was remarkably old-fashioned. Sex and his only daughter was one of them. Rather than link the two - or acknowledge that there was or ever had been any relationship between the two - he steered away from the subject. '

isn't the issue here, Sabrina. The issue is the man himself. He's come fresh from prison., ' know that/ she said more seriously. She was grateful her father had chosen to call while Derek was out running.

"Does it make you uneasy?, '.' ' killed a man., ' self-defense.,

"He's spent the last two years of his life in the pompany of the world's lowlife., ' no choice of his own., ' he's done it. And now he's with you. I'm worried, Sabrina.' 333 ''m a big girl, Dad.' '