Commitments (33 page)

doesn't make you any less vulnerable.' ' does. It makes me a better judge of character than I was five or ten years ago. Believe me, I am in no danger from Derek. If anythin& the reverse is true. I'm safer with him here. He's stron& more than capable of protecting me. You were worried about my being alone. You should feel relieved.' ' any other man but Mcgill and I might be.' Sabrina was feeling discouraged and she hadn't even gotten to the part about telling her father she was in love with Derek. ' don't know him, Dad ... Then again/ she said with sudden inspiration, ' you do. Derek isn't all that different from Bart Slocum, your hero in Lone '. Bart killed a man several, actually - but still he was a worthy hero. He killed only when he had no alternative, and he agonized over it even when the victim was the lowest of the low.' She was rather proud of the analogy. ' did time.' ' a jail. Very different from a modem penitentiary. Do you have any idea what hellholes those are? Yes, I suppose you do, since J.B. says you visited Mcgill several times. But, please God, to bring that into your horne?' ' I recall, your jail in Lone Rider had rats and snakes and a man with something resembling leprosy. But moving beyond that, when Bart was released, he returned to his girlfriend. Did he beat her? Rape her? Spit on her? He certainly did not. He, treated her like 11precious porcelain" - I think that was the phrase you used - and he went on to save her life.' ' only reason he had to save her life/

Gebhart argued, ' that the villain was after him but shot her by mistake. I'm telling you, if I'd been her father - 334 than the guy who wrote the, book - I'd have n mighty upset., ' on, Dad, you can't condemn Derek simply because of time spent behind bars.' But Gebhart was firm. ' can condemn anyone who threatens my daughter's well-being.,

"He's not threatening - ' with your mother.' '/ Amanda came on the line. ' father's right. It's one thing to write a book about the man, quite another to live with him. Is that really necessary?" Sabrina felt a headache coming on. Her parents' objections to Derek were another indictment to add to the list. It seemed that in their eyes she could do no right But she refused to cower. ', it's necessary.' '

I ask why?' S ' I love him. That brought a heavy silence, following by a quiet, ''re just saying that for effect, I hope.' '. It's the truth.' ' Lord, Sabrina/ Amanda wailed in an unearthly sort of way, ' did I do wrong? First Nicholas Stone. U-Now Derek Mcgill. I know that your father and I O..luven't had the most traditional of marriages - '. has nothing to do with you and Dad.' ' did I do wrong?' ', Mom. Nothing at all. just the opposite, in ou hct. Y

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and Dad are in love. You've always been in t1we, in spite of the unconventional way you live. OU ve s tayed together against the odds. Maybe you've ,:'Al"ibeen an inspiration.' Amanda's ' Lord!' suggested that she was any-but pleased with thethought, so Sabrina went 335 '

don't know Derek. How can you condenmmn hiarr ''m imagining what he'll do to your life. Do you honestly think that heis emerged from prison stigmafree? I don't see him working. I haven't read anything in the papers about his being snatched up by one of the networks. There's a reason, for that, Sabrina. He evokes negative reactions. He was in. a position of power and visibility, and he abused it.' ' acted in self-defense! If he hadn't, held have been killed!' ' shot that man."

"There was a struggle. It was the other man's gun.' '. But do you hear yourself? You're defending him. You're bound to defend him. Is that what you want to spend your future doing? Because you'll have to. If Derek Mcgill lives with you, people are going to ask questions. You'll be as much of a social outcast as he is.' ' know, you're as bad as Dad. Talk about hypocrisy.' ' what way have either your father or I been hypocritical?'Amanda asked indignantly.. ' books, Mom. Consider Quist. He's great, by the way, but if ever there was the hero as outcast, Quist is it. He's different from the other Dusalonians, different in looks, acts and desires. He broke the rules of the High Command. He alienated the Elite. He lived among the Snaleks for months talk about lowlife. And still he found his way back, and with the daughter of one of the premier members of the Elite, no less. If Quist could succeed, why not Derek?' ' is fictitious., ' fiction is largely nothing more than -wishful thinking. So why can't you look for the positive in 336 k? Why can't you try to make Quist's success Dusalon is a far cry from Earth. People here me iudgmental.' '., ' they are on Dusalon.' I control what happens on Dusalon. I don't have 10016power here, and that's the difference. When ed, I won't be able to help.' re shunn Sabrina murmured under her breath. ' VW, this is absurd.' She raised her voice. ' since hm are you - the ultimate nonconformist so emed about what other people think?' I'm concerned about you, your future, your career. t is it that you want in life, Sabrina?' want a home and a family/ Sabrina blurted sively. land you honestly think Derek Mcgill can give you '/ I haven't planned that far ahead. Things been pretty spontaneous where Derek is cemed.' igning yourself with a man like him isn't the best to make friends and influence people.' Putting in that place was bad, enough. This won't brina felt the sting of her mother's words. She had Vork harder to keep her voice low and controlled. yone criticizes me for placing Nicky at the Green-...'..'se, he does so out of ignorance. But since you t it up, look at it this way. If my putting Nicky that place" was so bad, people will already have to expect the worst from me, so I won't be sing anyone by taking up with Derek.' finality in her tone was not to be missed. sighed. ' can't change your mind?' 337 ' Derek?

No.' q4ow about coming out here for Thanksgiving?' Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I can't get tickets at this late date.' ' father could puff some strings.' Oh, yes. He could pull some strings. For one roundtrip ticket. She could have Thanksgiving dinner with her parents, leaving behind her son and the man she loved. Thanks/ Sabrina said more sadly, ' no. Not this year./ Derek awoke late on Thanksgiving morning to find himself alone in Sabrina's big brass bed. He wasn't surprised. A glance at the bedside clock told him that it was nearly eleven-thirty, and he knew that the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen couldn't possibly have been produced if Sabrina had been as lazy as he. He should get up, he told himself. He should give her a hand. But she'd refused his offers the night before, and specifically told him to sleep late. Page 122

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This was the first Thanksgiving dinner she'd ever made, she said, and held gotten the impression that there was a good deal of pride involved in the undertaking. If the smells emanating from the kitchen'were any measure, she had ust reason for, pride. Stzed turkcy. Sweet potato casserole. Baked apples. He breat ' it all in, gave a slow, leonine stretch, then sank back into the sheets and smiled. This was home with a capital H. This was what he'd missed all those years. This was what he wanted in life, this sense of, yes, belonging. He wanted Sabrina. He wanted a family. And he wanted them right here in Vermont, where the grass was green, the trees lush, the air crisp and clean on cool fall (lays. 338 ed da sudden urge to be his help or not - he swung up from the bed with Sabrina - whether reached for the corduroy jeans he'd left lying over arm of the chair the night before. Held barely them on when he was paddling barefoot from ,. fire in the living-room hearth was little more a glow. He paused to add a log before continuing the kitchen. the threshold, he stopped. Sabrina wasn't He turned back for an instant, wondering if Id, passed her in the bathroom, but he hadn't heard footsteps or the close of a door while he'd lain i the only sounds in the farmhouse were the C of the growing fire and the sizzle of the turkey the oven. e'd left the coffeepot on, though, and propped t a nearby mug was a note. ' gone out to er some pies/ she'd written in the gentle script he so well. ' be back by one. There's a bowl of

-,.UP fruit in the refrigerator. Help yourself to that -:to coffee, but don't cut into the apricot bread, it's I love you. Sabrina.' Tacked on at the bottom .4 more hastily written ')y Thanksgiving.' he raised the note to his lips, kissed it then set it on the counter and filled the mug coffee. Sipping it slowly, he pondered Sabrina's Have gone out to deliver some pies. Where, he ered? She hadn't mentioned anything about it the before, though he supposed he should have that she was baking far more than the two of could possibly eat. How many pies had she 2 Three? Four? He wasn't sure. Once she'd him from the kitchen, he'd been engrossed in 339

Wandering into the living room, he stood before the w .. It was a gray day, gray in a way that spoke of winter's approach. in past years that would have depressed him. Winter in prison had meant fluctuations between rooms that were overheated and those that were drafty, and less yard time all around. Before that, winter had meant the kind of temperamental weather that could screw up a production schedule in no time flat. Winter here would be different, he knew. It would be snowbound days and snow-silent nights, wood smoke and hot chocolate and the warmth of a handsewn quilt. And Sabrina. Sabrina brought thoughts that were gentle and exciting. He basked in them while he finished his coffee, then headed for the shower. A short time later he was back before the fire wearing a clean pair of cords, a shirt, sweater and loafers. He was freshly shaved and his still-damp hair was combed. He looked pretty good, he had to admit. So where was Sabrina? Several minutes before one, he heard her car. jumping from the chair, he started for the window, wavered, turned back toward the chair, stopped. Then, taking a deep breath to steady his pulse, he carefully paced his approach to the kitchen. He entered it just as Sabrina was co i in from outside. She loook up in surprise, then smiled. '! Sleep well?" Head tucked low again, she turned her back to close the door. 11 missed you/ he said. Crossing the floor, he took the coat from her shoulders. it was her cashmere coat, the same one she'd worn that first day at Parkersville the February before. Beneath it she wore a long wool skirt, a sweater and boots. The bulk of the sweater 340 0@ her look more fragile than ever and heightened %urge to protect her. ' was the driving?' ',Not bad.' She opened the oven to check the turkey. roads were deserted.' @,,-Ife watched her tug at the drumstick. ' smells stic., you have some fruit?, ah. Thought I'd wait for you.' the oven Page 123

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

door, she darted him a fast glance way to the refrigerator. ' must be starved.' e turkey shouldn't be much longer. I didn't have ometer stupid of me, it's the only thing I but the book says that the bird's done when moves freely, and it just about does.' was piling the counter with plastic baggies filled the various fresh vegetables that she'd earlier and cut. Her voice was higher than usual, the co ing more quickly, and she wouldn't look at

"Acyond a fleeting glance here and

there. one of those glances, Derek had seen that her , unnaturally bright. her coat over the arm of the meetinghouse he asked softly, '

can I do?' she was already reaching for a plate and handed it over 'you can put the vegetables 4 take care of the dip.' as instructed though, he feared, with far an artistic eye that she'd have had herself. In his concern wasn't with the vegetables. It was a. She was looking somber. ' you 1 s of wine?' he asked. roke into a sudden smile when she looked at said, ''d be nice/ but the smile faded in 341 the next instant when she went back to prepanng the dip. Derek draped an arm around her shoulders. '.' She stopped what she was doing.

"There's no rush on the food., She bowed her head. ' was he?' She ducked her head lower. By now, Derek knew the telltale signs - the slight hunching of her shoulders, their faint tremor, her refusal to look at him. Wrapping her completely in his arms, he hugged her while she cried softly. At length, stroking her hair, he said, ' wish You'd let me come.' ''s so painful to see/she whispered on a fragmented breath. ' shouldn't have to go alone., ''s my son. My responsibility. I ' I love you. I want it to be my responsibility, too.1 ' don't know what you're saying.' ' do.' He held her back and bent his head until it was level with hers. His eyes were filled with the urgency that gave his voice a desperate edge. ' me, Sabrina. I know it's unfair of me to ask when you're feeling down, but I can't help it. I was sitting here before, waiting for you to come home, and I realized that if I didn't have that to look forward, to, rd be lost. You mean more to me than any other person has ever meant. It's a little humbling to think that I'm not as self-contained as I prided myself on being, but where you're concerned, I'm not. I've never felt. this way before. I've never loved a woman before. I've never asked one to marry me, and if you think it doesn't scare me shitless, you're wrong.' 342

:eyes ' moist pools the color of limes He them firmly with his own.

"I have no right to. ask I'm unemployed and my prospects of work are y right now, and there's the thing with Greer that n't thrill you at all, but I'll make it work, I came from nothing once before, and I reached top. I can do it again. I'll make it all work, so help God, I will., w t quiet, and for several minutes their eyes en locked in a volley of silent questions. Is a crazy idea/ Sabrina whispered. t me do it. Let me fill the void. I want to take Of you., That'll be a challenge. I'm a wreck.' y worse than me?' e grinned through her tears. ' are a pair." The faded. ''ve failed at one marriage already.' t one fell apart when the going got tough. This would be starting with tough and doing just fine. , seen each other at our worst and the tionship has grown in spite of it. There's nothing .'He paused. ' do you say?' thought about it for a minute. ' parents will S.1 you care?' ugh to say no?" took her face in his hands.. ' love you.' too.' we can make it?" nodded.-you'll marry me?' she nodded, this time more vigorously. She know if she was right. She was acting on 343 instinct. She did know that she adored Derek, that she wanted to be with him always, and that maybe, just maybe, her being his wife would make the difference in his plans for revenge.

Chapter 14.

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