Commitments (42 page)

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

better when she worked. Her frame of mind was better. She was obviously pleased with what she accomplished. But 428 got less sleep - absolutely refused to rest during day - and seemed to subsist on bi-hourly mini-s of crackers, canned peaches and yogurt. More than once, Derek called the doctor in New ork. Though she assured him that Sabrina was strong that work wouldn't hurt, particularly since little w sical, he continued to worry. e y time when he felt he had any control over er was when they were working on his case. They A d taken to keeping those particular notes and papers : the farmhouse's small second-floor den whose walls were lined with the built-in bookshelves that Sabrina '

painstakingly stripped and restained. The room , cozy and private. It was furnished with a long, comfortable leather sofa and a single matching chair, and it was there that they hashed and rehashed the Ballantine matter. Only there, and under the guise of his own hunger, Derek, ply Sabrina with food. Likewise, under "the guise of his own fatigue, he could coax her into napping. And there, more than once, they made love, which was the only time Derek knew for sure what was on her mind. The Ides of March found Sabrina and Derek in Washington again, this time combing the ranks of the city's private investigators for one who may have been hired by Greer to get concrete proof that Lloyd Ballantine had h4d at least one extramarital affair. ' women were Ballantine's weakness/ Derek explained, ' Greer used it against him, held had to have had proof. Something hard and condemning.' From agency to agency they went with Ballantine's picture in hand, but that was still the only picture they'd seen when they returned to Vermont. Derek 429 was far from defeated. He had other avenues to fol ow and might have done so immediately had he not wanted to give Sabrina a rest. She was still unusually tired and suffering from regular nausea, for which she took nothing. He agreed with her in that, as did the doctor, who hadn't pushed pills other than vitamins. None of them wanted to introduce anything to her system that, in even the remotest possible -instance, could cause harm-. They didn't tell anyone that Sabrina was pregnant. If the test turned up a problem, they were prepared to terminate the pregnancy - in which case friends and family would only complicate the issue. Unfortunately, since the test couldn't be run until Sabrina was three months pregnant, which was nearly a month off, and since the results wouldn't be in for nearly six weeks after that, she could well be showing. Fortunately, her wardrobe was filled with long and concealing sweaters, and if that didn't work, she was prepared to take a page from Annie-Fiti's book and dress in multiple loose layers to hide the bulge. - For all practical purposes, nothing in their lives had changed. Wary of making an emotional commitment to a child that might never be, they talked about everything but that; and if there were periods of tension when neither of them would express their fears, they gave themselves no choice but to cope. Toward the end of March, Maura popped up to visit. Actually, she didn't so much pop up as appear mudspattered and timid at the door when Derek answered it. With little more than a raised brow at her timidity and nothing at all to acknowledge the mud - which was inescapable in Vermont in March - Derek reached 430 clutched a handful of her sleeve and pulled her in ,-Irom the wind. Since the night of her confession, he come to think differently of her. He believed that V-1she'd been legitimately duped. As streetwise as she ,4ounded at times, she was still naive. She didn't know world as he did. How could she have suspected Aat she was being used, particularly when she'd fallen for the guy? She'd been hurt, and for that Derek felt partly to blame. So he pulled her into the house, took her coat and ha& gestured for her to leave her muddy boots on the mat, threw an arm around her shoulders and led her in search of Sabrina. During her three-day stay, she gave Derek only one tense moment. That was when, in the process of general conversation, she mentioned having seen Richard shortly before she came north-Derek questioned her on it Page 156

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

as soon as he got her alone. At first, she simply grinned. Then she took mercy on him and explained herself. 11 thought about it a lot after I left here last time, and I realized that if I suddenly ended the relationship, he'd get suspicious. A slow cooldown was called for. But then, the more I thought about him and about, Noel Greer and what they'd done to me - and to you and Sabrina - the more angry I got. So I decided to use Richard right back ... He thinks, I she -said smugly, ' you and Sabrina are hunting down a hot lead in New Orleans.' ' Orleans? I Derek asked, then his mouth began to twitch at the comers. ' made you think of New Orleans?' ' year at this time I'm thinking that I've missed Mardi Gras again. That's my kind of party, y'know?' Having reveled his way through more than one 431 Mardi Gras, Derek knew. He could just uinagmie Maura there. It was her kind of party - so much so that he promised to fix her up with a wild date there the next year, but only if she played it safe with Fraling. No more fake leads, or he's apt to punish you for it/ Derek warned. ''s a snake of a man. just ease yourself out of the relationship as comfortably as you can.1 Two days later, though, Maura. called from New York to give Derek the name of the

'exclusive and ultra-discreet' private investigator, the '

investigator's private investigator' who worked out of Arlington, Virginia, the man Fraling had recommended when she'd told him she had a friend who wanted condemning evidence against her husband and his lover. The detective wasn't as exclusive and ultra-discreet as Fraling had thought. An easy hundred-dollar bill bought the information that he had indeed once been hired to photograph Lloyd Ballantine in a compromising position. A second hundred produced the pictures, a third the fact that the woman with Ballantine had been married to a congressman. A final hundred produced the woman's name.-Derek and Sabrina felt they'd gotten a bargain. Without pause they flew on to Tallahassee, where the woman, Janet Lavine, now happily-divorced, was living. She was an incredible source. Once assured that her name would never be used, she told of the affair she'd had with Ballantine - afternoons here, evenings there, clandestine meetings that spanned a six-month period and ended not because her husband had found out but because she feared he would. It seemed that justice Ballantine like his sex kinky. Blindfolds and 432

cuffs she hadn't minded, but riding crops left tale marks on the skin. Perhaps because she found Derek attractive or ause she felt she was educating Sabrina or simply the power trip of it, she talked on and on. She told how she had first met Ballantine, how he had fully guarded their trysts, how he had found no tasy too wild. When Derek expressed disbelief, she grew bolder and Trovided him with the names of others who, if they ' willing to talk would verify what she'd said. The 4if they were willing to talk' was a critical factor. , all of Ballantine's women had been married. Some still were. Unfortunately, Janet Lavine knew nothing about corruption of the court, blackmail, or the existence of ',,the Ballantine files. On the way back to Vermont, speeding along in the ' at a smooth seventy miles per hour on 1-93

north of Boston, Derek had a blowout. The car fishtailed wildly, then veered toward the side of the road. By the time he had guided it into the breakdown lane and stopped, he and Sabrina were badly shaken. Derek had never had a blowout before. He didn't understand how it had happened. His tires were new and of top quality. They were steel-belted to prevent just such an occurrence. If he didn't know better, he'd have guessed that someone hidden in the woods had used his tire for target practice. He said nothing to Sabrina about that suspicion. Even without it, Sabrina was having a rough time. She was finding that no matter how hard she worked or how long the hours, she was still thinking a lot about the baby. She tried not to. She tried to forget that it 433

existed, but her body wouldn't let her. Approaching the three-month mark, she was feeling some relief from the fatigue and the nausea. in Page 157

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

its place, she felt fat. She knew she didn't look it, knew that no one could tell, but she could. The small, subtle changes were a constant reminder of what lay ahead. Since she didn't want to think about that, she worked harder. A full-fledged member of the team now, she spent hours working with the others in the bam; and when she wasn't there, she was in the upstairs den or in the kitchen. With the arrival of April, she began planning the vegetable garden that she intended to put in the yard, and there was always another wall to wallpaper or pair of curtains to make in the house. Sleeping was something she did only when she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, and if she awoke in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep - which happened often - she crept from the bedroom and found something to occupy her mind. Derek watched and said nothing. Between fear that someone intended him harm and would have no qualms about wiping Sabrina out with him, fear that the names Janet Lavine had given him would lead nowhere, and fear that the Ballantine files didn't exist after all, he was very tense. He didn't want to upset Sabrina. He didn't want to pressure her. He wanted to give her the kind of strong, silent support she seemed to want. The trouble was, he'd never been a master of strong, silent support. Held always been a talker, a doer - particularly when he felt that someone was doing wrong. That was how he felt now with Sabrina, but 434 e he wouldn't let himself say it aloud, the frustration festered. It was inevitable that at some point he would ,.

Chapter 18.

It had

been a long day. Derek had spent part of it with Jason, trying to work out the strategy for a story on the use and misuse of surplus political campaign funds, part of it on the phone trying to contact some of the women whose names Janet Lavine had given him, and part of it trying to connect in some way, shape or form with Sabrina. He hadn't been particularly successful on any of those fronts. He was tired and testy. Dinner had been a hectic affair, with eight people jumping up and down from the table and four conversations crossing each other - and having finally cleared the farmhouse of everyone but Sabrina and him, he wanted her to sit for a while and relax. ' I'm done here/ she told him as she wiped crumbs from the table, ''ll just load the dishwasher.' He went into the living room, threw himself down on the sofa and waited. After fifteen minutes of brooding that did nothing good for his mood, he strode back to the kitchen to find Sabrina kneeling on the counter. Half of the contents of one upper cabinet was beside her. The other half was pushed every which way on the shelf. ' are you doing, Sabrina?' he asked. ' can't find the cinnamon/ she answered, shoving aside a box of rice. ''ve been looking for it all week. Do you remember using it on toast?' Derek ran a hand across the back of his neck and looked at the floor as he said, ', I do, not remember 436 it on toast.' He looked at her. 11 thought you were finishing up in here.' ' done/ she said. Trying his best to be accommodating, he returned to the living room and waited another five minutes. '?' he called. '/ she called back. He paced the floor, spending a bit more patience with each step. Finally, he whirled on his heel and :,stormed back into the kitchen. Sabrina had a large "bowl cradled in her elbow and was using a long wooden @Spoon to stir something that looked suspiciously like -batter.

"What are you doing?' he asked, making no attempt to hide his annoyance. She spared him the briefest of glances. ' long as I had everything Page 158

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

out, I thought I'd make muffins., imuffins.1 '.'-'

muffins., ' like them for breakfast.' Derek stared at her in disbelief. ''ve been up since six this morning. You've worked all day

- writing, running to town for food, cooking, writing some more, turning soil in the garden, running back to town for computer paper, changing the sheets on the bed, cleaning up in here - and now that it's nine-thirty at night, you're making banana muffins for breakfast?' She tipped up her chin. ' there anything wrong with thatv It was just the invitation he needed - or perhaps just the goadin& since he'd heard a hint of defiance in her tone - because he dropped all pretense of indulgence. ', there's something wrong with it/ he said, hands on his hips, dark brows shelving darker eyes 437 that bore into hers. ''re doing too much, Sabrina@ You're pushing yourself ten, twelve, fourteen hours a day without taking a legitimate, do-nothing-but-putup-your-legs break. Everyone else takes legitimate, donothing-but-put-up-your-legs breaks, but by the time they're into that, you're into something else. You're doing too much. It's not healthy.' . ' it is/ Sabrina scoffed, stin-ing the batter more vigorously. ''re pregnant. You're supposed to take it easy.' ' doctor said I could do whatever I wanted.' ' moderation. But you don't know the meani of Ing the word. What in the hell are you doing - auditioning for superwoman of the year?' She shot him a scowl but kept on stiffing. ' that thing down/

Derek growled, and before she could do it herself, he was across the room, taking the bowl from her arm and depositing it none too gently on the counter. ' - ' ' want to know what you're doing. Are you trying to wear yourself to a frazzle - wear me to a frazzle watching you?' ' course not.' ' why are you driving yourself this way?' '

like keeping busy. I've. always kept busy.' ' like this. Not with this self-inflicted nonstop labor.' ' enjoy it.' ' don't look like you do. You look tense and intense. You blot out everything else but what you're working at.' ''s called concentration.' ''s called neurosis. It's unnatural, given what's 438 ning to your body right now. What is it, Sabrina? ,"Are you daring that baby to miscarry?' Sabrina was stunned into silence for a minute, but ,"@only for that. Something perverse inside her was livid. ',@,,What an idiotic thing to say!' '

it?' he asked, straightening one Iong, ropy arm against the counter.

"Think about it. Since the doctor ,@confirmed you were pregnant, you've been snowballing - and I'm not talking about your body, because except for your waist and breasts you're thinner than ever. I'm talking about work. Each day you take on a little more, then a little more. You dash from one activity to the next, and I can't believe you get satisfaction from any of them because you don't give yourself the time to sit back and smile.' ' get satisfaction - ' ' know what you're doing, Sabrina. You're running. There's a problem here, and rather than face it you're running. You're terrified of having that test, terrified of having that baby, so you're cramming anything and everything into your day to keep from thinking of how terrified you are. Why can't we sit and discuss it, for God's sake?' ' because you have other things on your mind/ she accused. ' it. There is nothing of higher priority in my mind right now than you and our baby.' '?' she -needed to lash back, and she had the means. ' that why you grab the Times first thing each morning and act as though you're thumbing through to get an overall feel for the news before you read the specifics, when I know that all along you're looking for word on Greer? I'm half thinking you want him to fly ahead in the polls so he'll have that much farther 439 to fall when you topple him. But you don't talk with m6 about that, do you?' ' don't want to hear. You never liked the idea of what I was doing.' ' accepted it/ she said quietly. ' knew that you had to work it out in your own way. So Page 159