Complete Plays, The (398 page)

Ursula

His excellence did earn it, ere he had it.
When are you married, madam?

Hero

Why, every day, to-morrow. Come, go in:
I’ll show thee some attires, and have thy counsel
Which is the best to furnish me to-morrow.

Ursula

She’s limed, I warrant you: we have caught her, madam.

Hero

If it proves so, then loving goes by haps:
Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

Exeunt Hero and Ursula

Beatrice

[Coming forward]
What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true?
Stand I condemn’d for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee,
Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand:
If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee
To bind our loves up in a holy band;
For others say thou dost deserve, and I
Believe it better than reportingly.

Exit

S
CENE
II. A
ROOM
IN
L
EONATO
’
S
HOUSE

Enter Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick, and Leonato

Don Pedro

I do but stay till your marriage be consummate, and then go I toward Arragon.

Claudio

I’ll bring you thither, my lord, if you’ll vouchsafe me.

Don Pedro

Nay, that would be as great a soil in the new gloss of your marriage as to show a child his new coat and forbid him to wear it. I will only be bold with Benedick for his company; for, from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot, he is all mirth: he hath twice or thrice cut Cupid’s bow-string and the little hangman dare not shoot at him; he hath a heart as sound as a bell and his tongue is the clapper, for what his heart thinks his tongue speaks.

Benedick

Gallants, I am not as I have been.

Leonato

So say I methinks you are sadder.

Claudio

I hope he be in love.

Don Pedro

Hang him, truant! there’s no true drop of blood in him, to be truly touched with love: if he be sad, he wants money.

Benedick

I have the toothache.

Don Pedro

Draw it.

Benedick

Hang it!

Claudio

You must hang it first, and draw it afterwards.

Don Pedro

What! sigh for the toothache?

Leonato

Where is but a humour or a worm.

Benedick

Well, every one can master a grief but he that has it.

Claudio

Yet say I, he is in love.

Don Pedro

There is no appearance of fancy in him, unless it be a fancy that he hath to strange disguises; as, to be a Dutchman today, a Frenchman to-morrow, or in the shape of two countries at once, as, a German from the waist downward, all slops, and a Spaniard from the hip upward, no doublet. Unless he have a fancy to this foolery, as it appears he hath, he is no fool for fancy, as you would have it appear he is.

Claudio

If he be not in love with some woman, there is no believing old signs: a’ brushes his hat o’ mornings; what should that bode?

Don Pedro

Hath any man seen him at the barber’s?

Claudio

No, but the barber’s man hath been seen with him, and the old ornament of his cheek hath already stuffed tennis-balls.

Leonato

Indeed, he looks younger than he did, by the loss of a beard.

Don Pedro

Nay, a’ rubs himself with civet: can you smell him out by that?

Claudio

That’s as much as to say, the sweet youth’s in love.

Don Pedro

The greatest note of it is his melancholy.

Claudio

And when was he wont to wash his face?

Don Pedro

Yea, or to paint himself? for the which, I hear what they say of him.

Claudio

Nay, but his jesting spirit; which is now crept into a lute-string and now governed by stops.

Don Pedro

Indeed, that tells a heavy tale for him: conclude, conclude he is in love.

Claudio

Nay, but I know who loves him.

Don Pedro

That would I know too: I warrant, one that knows him not.

Claudio

Yes, and his ill conditions; and, in despite of all, dies for him.

Don Pedro

She shall be buried with her face upwards.

Benedick

Yet is this no charm for the toothache. Old signior, walk aside with me: I have studied eight or nine wise words to speak to you, which these hobby-horses must not hear.

Exeunt Benedick and Leonato

Don Pedro

For my life, to break with him about Beatrice.

Claudio

’Tis even so. Hero and Margaret have by this played their parts with Beatrice; and then the two bears will not bite one another when they meet.

Enter Don John

Don John

My lord and brother, God save you!

Don Pedro

Good den, brother.

Don John

If your leisure served, I would speak with you.

Don Pedro

In private?

Don John

If it please you: yet Count Claudio may hear; for what I would speak of concerns him.

Don Pedro

What’s the matter?

Don John

[To Claudio]
 
Means your lordship to be married to-morrow?

Don Pedro

You know he does.

Don John

I know not that, when he knows what I know.

Claudio

If there be any impediment, I pray you discover it.

Don John

You may think I love you not: let that appear hereafter, and aim better at me by that I now will manifest. For my brother, I think he holds you well, and in dearness of heart hath holp to effect your ensuing marriage;— surely suit ill spent and labour ill bestowed.

Don Pedro

Why, what’s the matter?

Don John

I came hither to tell you; and, circumstances shortened, for she has been too long a talking of, the lady is disloyal.

Claudio

Who, Hero?

Don Pedro

Even she; Leonato’s Hero, your Hero, every man’s Hero:

Claudio

Disloyal?

Don John

The word is too good to paint out her wickedness; I could say she were worse: think you of a worse title, and I will fit her to it. Wonder not till further warrant: go but with me to-night, you shall see her chamber-window entered, even the night before her wedding-day: if you love her then, to-morrow wed her; but it would better fit your honour to change your mind.

Claudio

May this be so?

Don Pedro

I will not think it.

Don John

If you dare not trust that you see, confess not that you know: if you will follow me, I will show you enough; and when you have seen more and heard more, proceed accordingly.

Claudio

If I see any thing to-night why I should not marry her to-morrow in the congregation, where I should wed, there will I shame her.

Don Pedro

And, as I wooed for thee to obtain her, I will join with thee to disgrace her.

Don John

I will disparage her no farther till you are my witnesses: bear it coldly but till midnight, and let the issue show itself.

Don Pedro

O day untowardly turned!

Claudio

O mischief strangely thwarting!

Don John

O plague right well prevented! so will you say when you have seen the sequel.

Exeunt

S
CENE
III. A
STREET
.

Enter Dogberry and Verges with the Watch

Dogberry

Are you good men and true?

Verges

Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.

Dogberry

Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the prince’s watch.

Verges

Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.

Dogberry

First, who think you the most desertless man to be constable?

First Watchman

Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can write and read.

Dogberry

Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature.

Second Watchman

Both which, master constable,—

Dogberry

You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the prince’s name.

Second Watchman

How if a’ will not stand?

Dogberry

Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave.

Verges

If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the prince’s subjects.

Dogberry

True, and they are to meddle with none but the prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.

Watchman

We will rather sleep than talk: we know what belongs to a watch.

Dogberry

Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should offend: only, have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

Watchman

How if they will not?

Dogberry

Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.

Watchman

Well, sir.

Dogberry

If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why the more is for your honesty.

Watchman

If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?

Dogberry

Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.

Verges

You have been always called a merciful man, partner.

Dogberry

Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.

Verges

If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.

Watchman

How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?

Dogberry

Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.

Verges

’Tis very true.

Dogberry

This is the end of the charge:— you, constable, are to present the prince’s own person: if you meet the prince in the night, you may stay him.

Verges

Nay, by’r our lady, that I think a’ cannot.

Dogberry

Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a man against his will.

Verges

By’r lady, I think it be so.

Dogberry

Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your fellows’ counsels and your own; and good night. Come, neighbour.

Watchman

Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.

Dogberry

One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night. Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.

Exeunt Dogberry and Verges

Enter Borachio and Conrade

Borachio

What Conrade!

Watchman

[Aside]
 
Peace! stir not.

Borachio

Conrade, I say!

Conrade

Here, man; I am at thy elbow.

Borachio

Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.

Conrade

I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward with thy tale.

Borachio

Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.

Watchman

[Aside]
 
Some treason, masters: yet stand close.

Borachio

Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.

Conrade

Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?

Borachio

Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villany should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.