Complete Works, Volume I (4 page)

MEG
. Don't you go away again, Stan. You stay here. You'll be better off. You stay with your old Meg. (
He groans and lies across the table
.) Aren't you feeling well this morning, Stan. Did you pay a visit this morning?

He stiffens, then lifts himself slowly, turns to face her and speaks lightly, casually.

STANLEY
. Meg. Do you know what?

MEG
. What?

STANLEY
. Have you heard the latest?

MEG
. No.

STANLEY
. I'll bet you have.

MEG
. I haven't.

STANLEY
. Shall I tell you?

MEG
. What latest?

STANLEY
. You haven't heard it?

MEG
. No.

STANLEY
(
advancing
). They're coming today.

STANLEY
. They're coming in a van.

MEG
. Who?

STANLEY
. And do you know what they've got in that van?

MEG
. What?

STANLEY
. They've got a wheelbarrow in that van.

MEG
(
breathlessly
). They haven't.

STANLEY
. Oh yes they have.

MEG
. You're a liar.

STANLEY
(
advancing upon her
)
,
A big wheelbarrow. And when the van stops they wheel it out, and they wheel it up the garden path, and then they knock at the front door.

MEG
. They don't.

STANLEY
. They're looking for someone.

MEG
. They're not.

STANLEY
. They're looking for someone. A certain person.

MEG
(
hoarsely
). No, they're not!

STANLEY
. Shall I tell you who they're looking for?

MEG
. No!

STANLEY
. You don't want me to tell you?

MEG
. You're a liar!

A sudden knock on the front door.
LULU’S
voice : Ooh-ooh!
MEG
edges past
STANLEY
and collects her shopping bag.
MEG
goes out.
STANLEY
sidles to the door and listens.

VOICE
(
through letter box
). Hullo, Mrs Boles . . .

MEG
. Oh, has it come?

VOICE
. Yes, it's just come.

MEG
. What, is that it?

VOICE
. Yes. I thought I'd bring it round.

MEG
. Is it nice?

VOICE
. Very nice. What shall I do with it?

MEG
. Well, I don't . . . (
Whispers.
)

VOICE
. No, of course not . .
.
(
Whispers.
)

MEG
. All right, but . . . (
Whispers.
)

VOICE
. I won't. . . (
Whispers.
) Ta-ta, Mrs Boles.

STANLEY
quickly sits at the table. Enter
LULU
.

LULU
. Oh, hullo.

STANLEY
. Ay-ay.

LULU
. I just want to leave this in here.

STANLEY
. Do. (
LULU
crosses to the sideboard and puts a solid, round parcel upon it.
) That's a bulky object.

LULU
. You're not to touch it.

STANLEY
. Why would I want to touch it?

LULU
. Well, you're not to, anyway.

LULU
walks upstage.

LULU
. Why don't you open the door? It's all stuffy in here.

She opens the back door.

STANLEY
(
rising
)
:
Stuffy? I disinfected the place this morning.

LULU
(
at the door
). Oh, that's better.

STANLEY
. I think it's going to rain to-day. What do you think?

LULU
. I hope so. You could do with it.

STANLEY
. Me! I was in the sea at half past six.

LULU
. Were you?

STANLEY
. I went right out to the headland and back before breakfast. Don't you believe me!

She sits, takes out a compact and powders her nose.

LULU
(
offering him the compact
). Do you want to have a look at your face? (
STANLEY
withdraws from the table.
) You could do with a shave, do you know that? (
STANLEY
sits, right at the table
.) Don't you ever go out? (
He does not answer.
) I mean, what do you do, just sit around the house like this all day long? (
Pause.
) Hasn't Mrs Boles got enough to do without having you under her feet all day long?

STANLEY
. I always stand on the table when she sweeps the floor.

LULU
. Why don't you have a wash? You look terrible.

STANLEY
. A wash wouldn't make any difference.

LULU
(
rising
). Come out and get a bit of air. You depress me, looking like that.

STANLEY
. Air? Oh, I don't know about that.

LULU
. It's lovely out. And I've got a few sandwiches.

STANLEY
. What sort of sandwiches?

LULU
. Cheese.

STANLEY
. I'm a big eater, you know.

LULU
. That's all right. I'm not hungry.

STANLEY
(
abruptly
). How would you like to go away with me?

LULU
. Where.

STANLEY
. Nowhere. Still, we could go.

LULU
. But where could we go?

STANLEY
. Nowhere. There's nowhere to go. So we could just go. It wouldn't matter.

LULU
. We might as well stay here.

STANLEY
. No. It's no good here.

LULU
. Well, where else is there?

STANLEY
. Nowhere.

LULU
. Well, that's a charming proposal. (
He gets up.
) Do you have to wear those glasses?

STANLEY
. Yes.

LULU
. So you're not coming out for a walk?

STANLEY
. I can't at the moment.

LULU
. You're a bit of a washout, aren't you?

She exits, left.
STANLEY
stands. He then goes to the mirror and looks in it. He goes into the kitchen, takes off his glasses and begins to wash his face. A pause. Enter, by the back door,
GOLDBERG
and
MCCANN
.
MCCANN
carries two suitcases,
GOLDBERG
a briefcase. They halt inside the door, then
walk downstage.
STANLEY
,
wiping his face, glimpses their backs through the hatch.
GOLDBERG
and
MCCANN
look round the room.
STANLEY
slips on his glasses, idles through the kitchen door and out of the back door.

MCCANN
. Is this it?

GOLDBERG
. This is it.

MCCANN
. Are you sure?

GOLDBERG
. Sure I'm sure.

Pause.

MCCANN
. What now?

GOLDBERG
. Don't worry yourself, McCann. Take a seat.

MCCANN
. What about you?

GOLDBERG
. What about me?

MCCANN
. Are you going to take a seat?

GOLDBERG
. We'll both take a seat. (
MCCANN
puts down the suitcase and sits at the table, left.
) Sit back, McCann. Relax. What's the matter with you? I bring you down for a few days to the seaside. Take a holiday. Do yourself a favour. Learn to relax, McCann, or you'll never get anywhere.

MCCANN
. Ah sure, I do try, Nat.

GOLDBERG
(
sitting at the table, right
). The secret is breathing. Take my tip. It's a well-known fact. Breathe in, breathe out, take a chance, let yourself go, what can you lose? Look at me. When I was an apprentice yet, McCann, every second Friday of the month my Uncle Barney used to take me to the seaside, regular as clockwork. Brighton, Canvey Island, Rottingdean—Uncle Barney wasn't particular. After lunch on Shabbuss we'd go and sit in a couple of deck chairs—you know, the ones with canopies—we'd have a little paddle, we'd watch the tide coming in, going out, the sun coming down—golden days, believe me, McCann. (
Reminiscent.
) Uncle Barney. Of course, he was an impeccable dresser. One of the old school. He had a house just outside Basingstoke at the time. Respected by the whole community.
Culture? Don't talk to me about culture. He was an all-round man, what do you mean? He was a cosmopolitan.

MCCANN
. Hey, Nat. . . .

GOLDBERG
(
reflectively
). Yes. One of the old school.

MCCANN
. Nat. How do we know this is the right house?

GOLDBERG
. What?

MCCANN
. How do we know this is the right house?

GOLDBERG
. What makes you think it's the wrong house?

MCCANN
. I didn't see a number on the gate.

GOLDBERG
. I wasn't looking for a number.

MCCANN
. No?

GOLDBERG
(
settling in the armchair
). You know one thing Uncle Barney taught me? Uncle Barney taught me that the word of a gentleman is enough. That's why, when I had to go away on business I never carried any money. One of my sons used to come with me. He used to carry a few coppers. For a paper, perhaps, to see how the M.C.C. was getting on overseas. Otherwise my name was good. Besides, I was a very busy man.

MCCANN
. What about this, Nat? Isn't it about time someone came in?

GOLDBERG
. McCann, what are you so nervous about? Pull yourself together. Everywhere you go these days it's like a funeral.

MCCANN
. That's true.

GOLDBERG
. True? Of course it's true. It's more than true. It's a fact.

MCCANN
. You may be right.

GOLDBERG
. What is it, McCann? You don't trust me like you did in the old days?

MCCANN
. Sure I trust you, Nat.

GOLDBERG
. But why is it that before you do a job you're all over the place, and when you're doing the job you're as cool as a whistle?

MCCANN
. I don't know, Nat. I'm just all right once I know what I'm doing. When I know what I'm doing, I'm all right.

GOLDBERG
. Well, you do it very well.

MCCANN
. Thank you, Nat.

GOLDBERG
. You know what I said when this job came up. I mean naturally they approached me to take care of it. And you know who I asked for?

MCCANN
. Who?

GOLDBERG
. You.

MCCANN
. That was very good of you, Nat.

GOLDBERG
. No, it was nothing. You're a capable man, McCann.

MCCANN
. That's a great compliment, Nat, coming from a man in your position.

GOLDBERG
. Well, I've got a position, I won't deny it.

MCCANN
. You certainly have.

GOLDBERG
. I would never deny that I had a position.

MCCANN
. And what a position!

GOLDBERG
. It's not a thing I would deny.

MCCANN
. Yes, it's true, you've done a lot for me. I appreciate it.

GOLDBERG
. Say no more.

MCCANN
. You've always been a true Christian.

GOLDBERG
. In a way.

MCCANN
. No, I just thought I'd tell you that I appreciate it.

GOLDBERG
. It's unnecessary to recapitulate.

MCCANN
. You're right there.

GOLDBERG
. Quite unnecessary.

Pause.
MCCANN
leans forward.

MCCANN
. Hey Nat, just one thing. . . .

GOLDBERG
. What now?

MCCANN
. This job—no, listen—this job, is it going to be like anything we've ever done before?

GOLDBERG
. Tch, tch, tch.

MCCANN
. No, just tell me that. Just that, and I won't ask any more.

GOLDBERG
sighs, stands, goes behind the table, ponders, looks at
MCCANN
,
and then speaks in a quiet, fluent, official tone.

GOLDBERG
. The main issue is a singular issue and quite distinct from your previous work. Certain elements, however, might well approximate in points of procedure to some of your other activities. All is dependent on the attitude of our subject. At all events, McCann, I can assure you that the assignment will be carried out and the mission accomplished with no excessive aggravation to you or myself. Satisfied?

MCCANN
. Sure. Thank you, Nat.

MEG
enters, left.

GOLDBERG
. Ah, Mrs Boles?