Complete Works, Volume I (7 page)

STANLEY
. Get out.

Enter
MCCANN
,
with bottles.

Get that drink out. These are unlicensed premises.

GOLDBERG
. You're in a terrible humour today, Mr Webber. And on your birthday too, with the good lady getting her strength up to give you a party.

MCCANN
puts the bottles on the sideboard.

STANLEY
. I told you to get those bottles out.

GOLDBERG
. Mr Webber, sit down a minute.

STANLEY
. Let me—just make this clear. You don't bother me. To me, you're nothing but a dirty joke. But I have a responsibility towards the people in this house. They've been down here too long. They've lost their sense of smell. I haven't. And nobody's going to take advantage of them while I'm here. (
A little less forceful.
) Anyway, this house isn't your cup of tea. There's nothing here for you, from any angle, any angle. So why don't you just go, without any more fuss?

GOLDBERG
. Mr Webber, sit down.

STANLEY
. It's no good starting any kind of trouble.

GOLDBERG
. Sit down.

STANLEY
. Why should I?

GOLDBERG
. If you want to know the truth, Webber, you're beginning to get on my breasts.

STANLEY
. Really? Well, that's—

GOLDBERG
. Sit down.

STANLEY
. No.

GOLDBERG
sighs, and sits at the table right.

GOLDBERG
. McCann.

MCCANN
. Nat?

GOLDBERG
. Ask him to sit down.

MCCANN
. Yes, Nat. (
MCCANN
moves to
STANLEY
.) Do you mind sitting down?

STANLEY
. Yes, I do mind.

MCCANN
. Yes now, but—it'd be better if you did.

STANLBY
. Why don't you sit down?

MCCANN
. No, not me—you.

STANLEY
. No thanks.

Pause.

MCCANN
. Nat.

GOLDBERG
. What?

MCCANN
. He won't sit down.

GOLDBERG
. Well, ask him.

MCCANN
. I've asked him.

GOLDBERG
. Ask him again.

MCCANN
(
to
STANLEY
). Sit down.

STANLEY
. Why?

MCCANN
. You'd be more comfortable.

STANLEY
. So would you.

Pause.

MCCANN
. All right. If you will I will.

STANLEY
. You first.

MCCANN
slowly sits at the table, left.

MCCANN
. Well?

STANLEY
. Right. Now you've both had a rest you can get out!

MCCANN
(
rising
). That's a dirty trick! I'll kick the shite out of him!

GOLDBERG
(
rising
). No! I have stood up.

MCCANN
. Sit down again!

GOLDBERG
. Once I'm up I'm up.

STANLEY
. Same here.

MCCANN
(
moving to
STANLEY
). You've made Mr Goldberg stand up.

STANLEY
(
his voice rising
). It'll do him good!

MCCANN
. Get in that seat.

GOLDBERG
. McCann.

MCCANN
. Get down in that seat!

GOLDBERG
(
crossing to him
). Webber. (
Quietly.
)
SIT DOWN
. (
Silence.
STANLEY
begins to whistle
"
The Mountains of Morne
"
. He strolls casually to the chair at the table. They watch him. He stops to whistling. Silence. He sits.
)

STANLEY
. You'd better be careful.

GOLDBERG
. Webber, what were you doing yesterday?

STANLEY
. Yesterday?

GOLDBERG
. And the day before. What did you do the day before that?

STANLEY
. What do you mean?

GOLDBERG
. Why are you wasting everybody's time, Webber? Why are you getting in everybody's way?

STANLEY
. Me? What are you—

GOLDBERG
. I'm telling you, Webber. You're a washout. Why are you getting on everybody's wick? Why are you driving that old lady off her conk?

MCCANN
. He likes to do it!

GOLDBERG
. Why do you behave so badly, Webber? Why do you force that old man out to play chess?

STANLEY
. Me?

GOLDBERG
. Why do you treat that young lady like a leper?
She's not the leper, Webber!

STANLEY
. What the—

GOLDBERG
. What did you wear last week, Webber? Where do you keep your suits?

MCCANN
. Why did you leave the organization?

GOLDBERG
. What would your old mum say, Webber?

MCCANN
. Why did you betray us?

GOLDBERG
. You hurt me, Webber. You're playing a dirty game.

MCCANN
. That's a Black and Tan fact.

GOLDBERG
. Who does he think he is?

MCCANN
. Who do you think you are?

STANLEY
. You're on the wrong horse.

GOLDBERG
. When did you come to this place?

STANLEY
. Last year.

GOLDBERG
. Where did you come from?

STANLEY
. Somewhere else.

GOLDBERG
. Why did you come here?

STANLEY
. My feet hurt!

GOLDBERG
. Why did you stay?

STANLEY
. I had a headache!

GOLDBERG
. Did you take anything for it?

STANLEY
. Yes.

GOLDBERG
. What?

STANLEY
. Fruit salts!

GOLDBERG
. Enos or Andrews?

STANLEY
. En— An—

GOLDBERG
. Did you stir properly? Did they fizz?

STANLEY
. Now, now, wait, you—

GOLDBERG
. Did they fizz? Did they fizz or didn't they fizz?

MCCANN
. He doesn't know!

GOLDBERG
. You don't know. When did you last have a bath?

STANLEY
. I have one every—

GOLDBERG
. Don't lie.

MCCANN
. You betrayed the organization. I know him!

STANLEY
. You don't!

GOLDBERG
. What can you see without your glasses?

STANLEY
. Anything.

GOLDBERG
. Take off his glasses.

MCCANN
snatches his glasses and as
STANLEY
rises, reaching for them, takes his chair downstage centre, below the table,
STANLEY
stumbling as he follows.
STANLEY
clutches the chair and stays bent over it.

Webber, you're a fake. (
They stand on each side of the chair.
)

When did you last wash up a cup?

STANLEY
. The Christmas before last.

GOLDBERG
. Where?

STANLEY
. Lyons Corner House.

GOLDBERG
. Which one?

STANLEY
. Marble Arch.

GOLDBERG
. Where was your wife?

STANLEY
. In—

GOLDBERG
. Answer.

STANLEY
(
turning, crouched
). What wife?

GOLDBERG
. What have you done with your wife?

MCCANN
. He's killed his wife!

GOLDBERG
. Why did you kill your wife?

STANLEY
(
sitting, his back to the audience
). What wife?

MCCANN
. How did he kill her?

GOLDBERG
. How did you kill her?

MCCANN
. You throttled her.

GOLDBERG
. With arsenic.

MCCANN
. There's your man!

GOLDBERG
. Where's your old mum?

STANLEY
. In the sanatorium.

MCCANN
. Yes!

GOLDBERG
. Why did you never get married?

MCCANN
. She was waiting at the porch.

GOLDBERG
. You skeddadled from the wedding.

MCCANN
. He left her in the lurch.

GOLDBERG
. You left her in the pudding club.

MCCANN
. She was waiting at the church.

GOLDBERG
. Webber! Why did you change your name?

STANLEY
. I forgot the other one.

GOLDBERG
. What's your name now?

STANLEY
. Joe Soap.

GOLDBERG
. You stink of sin.

MCCANN
. I can smell it.

GOLDBERG
. Do you recognise an external force?

STANLEY
. What?

GOLDBERG
. Do you recognise an external force?

MCCANN
. That's the question!

GOLDBERG
. Do you recognise an external force, responsible for you, suffering for you?

STANLEY
. It's late.

GOLDBERG
. Late! Late enough! When did you last pray?

MCCANN
. He's sweating!

GOLDBERG
. When did you last pray?

MCCANN
. He's sweating!

GOLDBERG
. Is the number 846 possible or necessary?

STANLEY
. Neither.

GOLDBERG
. Wrong! Is the number 846 possible or necessary?

STANLEY
. Both.

GOLDBERG
. Wrong! It's necessary but not possible.

STANLEY
. Both.

GOLDBERG
. Wrong! Why do you think the number 846 is necessarily possible?

STANLEY
. Must be.

GOLDBERG
. Wrong! It's only necessarily necessary! We admit possibility only after we grant necessity. It is possible because necessary but by no means necessary through possibility. The possibility can only be assumed after the proof of necessity.

MCCANN
. Right!

GOLDBERG
. Right? Of course right! We're right and you're wrong, Webber, all along the line.

MCCANN
. All along the line!

GOLDBERG
. Where is your lechery leading you?

MCCANN
. You'll pay for this.

GOLDBERG
. You stuff yourself with dry toast.

MCCANN
. You contaminate womankind.

GOLDBERG
. Why don't you pay the rent?

MCCANN
. Mother defiler!

GOLDBERG
. Why do you pick your nose?

MCCANN
. I demand justice!

GOLDBERG
. What's your trade?

MCCANN
. What about Ireland?

GOLDBERG
. What's your trade?

STANLEY
. I play the piano.

GOLDBERG
. How many fingers do you use?

STANLEY
. No hands!

GOLDBERG
. No society would touch you. Not even a building society.

MCCANN
. You're a traitor to the cloth.

GOLDBERG
. What do you use for pyjamas?

STANLEY
. Nothing.

GOLDBERG
. You verminate the sheet of your birth.

MCCANN
. What about the Albigensenist heresy?

GOLDBERG
. Who watered the wicket in Melbourne?

MCCANN
. What about the blessed Oliver Plunkett?

GOLDBERG
. Speak up, Webber. Why did the chicken cross the road?

STANLEY
. He wanted to—he wanted to—he wanted to. . . .

MCCANN
. He doesn't know!

GOLDBERG
. Why did the chicken cross the road?

STANLEY
. He wanted to—he wanted to. . . .

GOLDBERG
. Why did the chicken cross the road?

STANLEY
. He wanted. . . .

MCCANN
. He doesn't know. He doesn't know which came first!

GOLDBERG
. Which came first?

MCCANN
. Chicken? Egg? Which came first?

GOLDBERG
and
MCCANN
. Which came first? Which came first? Which came first?

STANLEY
screams.

GOLDBERG
. He doesn't know. Do you know your own face?

MCCANN
. Wake him up. Stick a needle in his eye.

GOLDBERG
. You're a plague, Webber. You're an overthrow.

MCCANN
. You're what's left!

GOLDBERG
. But we've got the answer to you. We can sterilise you.

MCCANN
. What about Drogheda?

GOLDBERG
. Your bite is dead. Only your pong is left.

MCCANN
. You betrayed our land.

GOLDBERG
. You betray our breed.

MCCANN
. Who are you, Webber?