Complete Works, Volume III (6 page)

Pause.

A Doctor of Philosophy. Sam, you want to meet a Doctor of Philosophy? (
To
JOEY
.) I said chuck them out.

Pause.

What's the matter? You deaf?

JOEY
. You're an old man. (
To
TEDDY
.) He's an old man.

LENNY
walks into the room, in a dressing-gown
.

He stops.

They all look round.

MAX
turns back, hits
JOEY
in the stomach with all his might.
JOEY
contorts, staggers across the stage.
MAX
,
with the exertion of the blow, begins to collapse. His knees buckle. He clutches his stick.

SAM
moves forward to help him.

MAX
hits him across the head with his stick
,
SAM
sits
,
head in hands
.

JOEY,
hands pressed to his stomach, sinks down at the feet of
RUTH
.

She looks down at him.

LENNY
and
TEDDY
are still.

JOEY
slowly stands. He is close to
RUTH.
He turns from
RUTH
,
looks round at
MAX
.

SAM
clutches his head.

MAX
breathes heavily, very slowly gets to his feet
.

JOEY
moves to him
.

They look at each other
.

Silence.

MAX
moves past
JOEY,
walks towards
RUTH.
He gestures with his stick
.

MAX
. Miss.

RUTH
walks towards him.

RUTH
. Yes?

He looks at her.

MAX
. You a mother?

RUTH
. Yes.

MAX
. How many you got?

RUTH
. Three.

He turns to
TEDDY.

MAX
. All yours, Ted?

Pause.

Teddy, why don't we have a nice cuddle and kiss, eh? Like the old days? What about a nice cuddle and kiss, eh?

TEDDY
. Come on, then.

Pause.

MAX
. You want to kiss your old father? Want a cuddle with your old father?

TEDDY.
Come on, then.

TEDDY
moves a step towards him
.

Come on.

Pause.

MAX
. You still love your old Dad, eh?

They face each other.

TEDDY.
Come on, Dad. I'm ready for the cuddle.

MAX
begins to chuckle, gurgling
.

He turns to the family and addresses them.

MAX
. He still loves his father!

Curtain

Act Two

Afternoon.

MAX, TEDDY, LENNY
and
SAM
are about the stage, lighting cigars.

JOEY
comes in from
U.L.
with a coffee tray, followed by
RUTH
.
He puts the tray down
. RUTH
hands coffee to all the men. She sits with her cup.
MAX
smiles at her.

RUTH
. That was a very good lunch.

MAX
. I'm glad you liked it. (
To the others
.) Did you hear that? (
To
RUTH
.) Well, I put my heart and soul into it, I can tell you. (
He sips
.) And this is a lovely cup of coffee.

RUTH
. I'm glad.

Pause.

MAX
. I've got the feeling you're a first-rate cook.

RUTH
. I'm not bad.

MAX
. No, I've got the feeling you're a number one cook. Am I right, Teddy?

TEDDY
. Yes, she's a very good cook.

Pause.

MAX
. Well, it's a long time since the whole family was together, eh? If only your mother was alive. Eh, what do you say, Sam? What would Jessie say if she was alive? Sitting here with her three sons. Three fine grown-up lads. And a lovely daughter-in-law. The only shame is her grandchildren aren't here. She'd have petted them and cooed over them, wouldn't she, Sam? She'd have fussed over them and played with them, told them stories, tickled them – I tell you she'd have been hysterical. (
To
RUTH
.) Mind you, she taught those boys everything they know. She taught them all the morality they know. I'm telling you. Every single bit of the moral code they live by – was taught to them by their mother. And she had a heart to go with it. What a heart. Eh, Sam? Listen, what's the use of beating round the bush? That woman was the backbone to this family. I mean, I was busy working twenty-four hours a day in the shop, I was going all over the country to find meat, I was making my way in the world, but I left a woman at home with a will of iron, a heart of gold and a mind. Right, Sam?

Pause.

What a mind.

Pause.

Mind you, I was a generous man to her. I never left her short of a few bob. I remember one year I entered into negotiations with a top-class group of butchers with continental connections. I was going into association with them. I remember the night I came home, I kept quiet. First of all I gave Lenny a bath, then Teddy a bath, then Joey a bath. What fun we used to have in the bath, eh, boys? Then I came downstairs and I made Jessie put her feet up on a pouffe – what happened to that pouffe, I haven't seen it for years – she put her feet up on the pouffe and I said to her, Jessie, I think our ship is going to come home, I'm going to treat you to a couple of items, I'm going to buy you a dress in pale corded blue silk, heavily encrusted in pearls, and for casual wear, a pair of pantaloons in lilac flowered taffeta. Then I gave her a drop of cherry brandy. I remember the boys came down, in their pyjamas, all their hair shining, their faces pink, it was before they started shaving, and they knelt down at our feet, Jessie's and mine. I tell you, it was like Christmas.

Pause.

RUTH
. What happened to the group of butchers?

MAX
. The group? They turned out to be a bunch of criminals like everyone else.

Pause.

This is a lousy cigar.

He stubs it out.

He turns to
SAM.

What time you going to work?

SAM
. Soon.

MAX
. You've got a job on this afternoon, haven't you?

SAM
. Yes, I know.

MAX
. What do you mean, you know? You'll be late. You'll lose your job. What are you trying to do, humiliate me?

SAM
. Don't worry about me.

MAX
. It makes the bile come up in my mouth. The bile – you understand? (
To
RUTH
.) I worked as a butcher all my life, using the chopper and the slab, the slab, you know what I mean, the chopper and the slab! To keep my family in luxury. Two families! My mother was bedridden, my brothers were all invalids. I had to earn the money for the leading psychiatrists. I had to read books! I had to study the disease, so that I could cope with an emergency at every stage. A crippled family, three bastard sons, a slutbitch of a wife – don't talk to me about the pain of childbirth – I suffered the pain, I've still got the pangs – when I give a little cough my back collapses – and here I've got a lazy idle bugger of a brother won't even get to work on time. The best chauffeur in the world. All his life he's sat in the front seat giving lovely hand signals. You call that work? This man doesn't know his gearbox from his arse!

SAM
. You go and ask my customers! I'm the only one they ever ask for.

MAX
. What do the other drivers do, sleep all day?

SAM
. I can only drive one car. They can't all have me at the same time.

MAX
. Anyone could have you at the same time. You'd bend over for half a dollar on Blackfriars Bridge.

SAM
. Me!

MAX
. For two bob and a toffee apple.

SAM
. He's insulting me. He's insulting his brother. I’m driving a man to Hampton Court at four forty-five.

MAX
. Do you want to know who could drive? MacGregor! MacGregor was a driver.

SAM
. Don't you believe it.

MAX
points his stick at
SAM
.

MAX
. He didn't even fight in the war. This man didn't even fight in the bloody war!

SAM
. I did!

MAX
. Who did you kill?

Silence.

SAM
gets up, goes to
RUTH,
shakes her hand and goes out of the front door.

MAX
turns to
TEDDY.

Well, how you been keeping, son?

TEDDY
. I've been keeping very well, Dad.

MAX
. It's nice to have you with us, son.

TEDDY
. It's nice to be back, Dad.

Pause.

MAX
. You should have told me you were married, Teddy. I'd have sent you a present. Where was the wedding, in America?

TEDDY
. No, here. The day before we left.

MAX
. Did you have a big function?

TEDDY
. No, there was no-one there.

MAX
. You're mad. I'd have given you a white wedding. We'd have had the cream of the cream here. I'd have been only too glad to bear the expense, my word of honour.

Pause.

TEDDY
. You were busy at the time. I didn't want to bother you.

MAX
. But you're my own flesh and blood. You're my first born. I'd have dropped everything. Sam would have driven you to the reception in the Snipe, Lenny would have been your best man, and then we'd have all seen you off on the boat. I mean, you don't think I disapprove of marriage, do you? Don't be daft. (
To
RUTH
.) I've been begging my two youngsters for years to find a nice feminine girl with proper credentials – it makes life worth living. (
To
TEDDY
.) Anyway, what's the difference, you did it, you made a wonderful choice, you've got a wonderful family, a marvellous career . . . so why don't we let bygones by bygones?

Pause.

You know what I'm saying? I want you both to know that you have my blessing.

TEDDY
. Thank you.

MAX
. Don't mention it. How many other houses in the district have got a Doctor of Philosophy sitting down drinking a cup of coffee?

Pause.

RUTH
. I'm sure Teddy's very happy . . . to know that you're pleased with me.

Pause.

I think he wondered whether you would be pleased with me.

MAX
. But you're a charming woman.

Pause.

RUTH
. I was . . .

MAX
. What?

Pause.

What she say?

They all look at her.

RUTH
. I was . . . different . . . when I met Teddy . . . first.

TEDDY
. No you weren't. You were the same.

RUTH
. I wasn't.

MAX
. Who cares? Listen, live in the present, what are you worrying about? I mean, don't forget the earth's about five thousand million years old, at least. Who can afford to live in the past?

Pause.

TEDDY
. She's a great help to me over there. She's a wonderful wife and mother. She's a very popular woman. She's got lots of friends. It's a great life, at the University . . . you know . . . it's a very good life. We've got a lovely house . . . we've got all . . . we've got everything we want. It's a very stimulating environment.

Pause.

My department . . . is highly successful.

Pause.

We've got three boys, you know.

MAX
. All boys? Isn't that funny, eh? You've got three, I've got three. You've got three nephews, Joey. Joey! You're an uncle, do you hear? You could teach them how to box.

Pause.

JOEY
(
to
RUTH
). I'm a boxer. In the evenings, after work. I'm in demolition in the daytime.

RUTH
. Oh?

JOEY
. Yes. I hope to be full time, when I get more bouts.

MAX
(
to
LENNY
). He speaks so easily to his sister-in-law, do you notice? That's because she's an intelligent and sympathetic woman.

He leans to her.

Eh, tell me, do you think the children are missing their mother?

She looks at him.

TEDDY
. Of course they are. They love her. We'll be seeing them soon.

Pause.

LENNY
(
to
TEDDY
). Your cigar's gone out.

TEDDY
. Oh, yes.