Compulsive (Liar #1) (11 page)

--------------------------

For the first time, Daniel sat across from me with a laptop resting on
his knees. I’d found him that way when I opened the door three minutes ago. I’d
sent him more journal entries, hoping to keep our live discussions to a minimum
after what happened last weekend at the sale, but now a new wave of awkwardness
poured over me. I wasn’t expecting he’d be digging through my brain, analyzing
my soul, right in front of me. Maybe I’d caught a break, and he was watching
porn.

“No notepad today?” My eyes skirted around the room,
hoping it could be my chance to take a peek at it.

“I apologize for this. There’s coffee there if you
like.” He head gestured to a small table next to his desk without making eye
contact with me. His tone left nothing for me to read, as if he erased what
happened between us.

“I’m good, thanks.” My nerves couldn’t take an
additional jolt. “I’ve got plenty to keep myself busy.” I strolled toward my
escape window in time to view the orange glow of the sun lower behind the tall
tower to our right. The reflection off the glass brightened a patch of green
grass below. “Take your time.”

A few minutes later, his voice startled me. “Normally,
I wouldn’t be so rude…” My mind had involuntarily played a loop of Daniel’s
hungry gaze on my mouth. “…but I’d hoped to finish this last excerpt before we
talked.”

I took a seat in the chair closest to Daniel rather
than the couch across from him. A quick glimpse of my placement showed the
uncertainty in his eyes.

“First, let me say that I appreciate you sending me
these. I found it extremely enlightening what you chose to send this time.”

I tilted my head in confusion, unsure of what he was
getting at.

“You’re concerned about my perception of your friend
Nathan. Is that why you sent these?”

I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. I had emailed him
three entries. Two were about my first encounters with Nathan. “I just wanted
you to learn a bit about him…understand where he came from.”

“Growing up in foster care can be extremely tough to
handle for any child, but it sounds like Nathan had it pretty tough.”

“It’s not like they beat him or anything. It was
pretty damn clear they were in it for the money, though.”

“Was there anyone he could rely on?”

“Not really. Even his foster brother, Kevin, had been
a lowlife. But, Nathan found a way to rise above all that.”

“You mean after he ended up in rehab?”

“His family is why he ended up there…but, yes.” Daniel
hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true, but I still found myself feeling
defensive.

“Then came AA, and that’s when you two met?”

I nodded and then went on to tell him how I joined
halfway through college. My grandmother had a decent estate when she died, none
of which went to my father. My portion, intended to help me pay for college, had
done that in addition to assisting me in managing my anxieties through liquid
medication.

“By the end of my sophomore year, I’d run out of
money. Becca and Barb had agreed to use some of their inheritance to help me
pay the rest. It was what Grandma would have wanted for me. It was on the
condition that I get help.”

“Sounds like you’re in a similar position now.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He closed the laptop and
set it onto the table next to him. Then, he did something he’d never done
during one of our sessions. He stood, wandering away as if he needed distance
from me. “This might be a good time to have a sidebar.”

“Are the drinks free?”

His hands slipped into the pockets of his black slacks
as he eyed the carpet at his feet. “I’d like you to take this seriously, Gray.”

“Then, look at me.” Slow and deliberate, his gaze
turned up to mine. The shift in control felt oddly intoxicating. I scooted to
the end of my seat, rested my elbows on my knees, and said, “If you’ve got
something to say to me, just say it…but at least look me in the eye when you do
it.” If I was going down, it would be with my head held high.

He took two strides in my direction. “Another
shortcoming on my part. Gray, I’m going to be honest here, and say you’ve got
me off my game. I’ve been unprofessional with some of my responses, and these
sessions have become somewhat unconventional to say the least.”

Stunned into silence by not only his bravado but also his
complete lack of acknowledgement of the bigger picture, I stared at him, mouth
agape. Then, boldly I stood and faced him. His eyes, dark with anticipation,
met mine. “Seriously?” My heart thudded erratically as I moved in closer. “I
don’t give a damn about your responses, Daniel. You can say whatever you want
to say to me. I’m just trying to get through this.” One more step had us toe-to-toe,
leaving me looking up to stay connected. “But, what you failed to acknowledge
here…what you seemed to be forgetting…or you’re afraid to say it out loud is
how when you touched my body, your heart pounded so hard through your chest I
felt it against my back.”

Daniel averted my eyes, looking beyond me to the
window. “Gray…don’t do this.”

His body swayed, about to move back, but I caught his
arm. “No…you started this. Are you denying you felt something? Are you denying
what your eyes told me right before you were about to kiss me?”

“I didn’t…I stopped it. It was wrong.
This
is
wrong.” He broke away then and went toward his desk.

“That’s not what I asked you? What’s the matter? You
can’t handle the open and honest rule?”

“That is in place for you. These sessions are not
supposed to be about me.” Drawers opened and closed, files shuffled around. “This
has gone too far already.”

“What are you looking for?” Panic rose in my chest.
I’d pushed him too far. “What are you doing?” I trudged to the desk, adrenaline
pumping through my veins. I couldn’t take another loss, especially not like
this. My words hadn’t fazed him, and he pulled a stack of folders from a
drawer. My hand caught his wrist, causing a file to slip from his hand. I
recognized the pad sticking out of the top. When I reached for it, he stopped
me with his other hand, a cocktail of fear and anger lit his face.

“Don’t…please.” He snatched it away and quickly shoved
it into his drawer. There was no time to process Daniel’s sentinel over that
file and notepad, because now he scrolled through contacts on his phone. “I’m
sorry, Gray. I truly thought I could help you.”

When he reached for a pad and pencil, my face flushed
white-hot. “You selfish ass. Do you realize how bad this will be for me if you
try to dump me on someone else now?” I turned my back on him when tears
threatened. Anger didn’t normally do that to me, but right then, I could have
sucker punched him in the face. I blinked them away, not willing to give in.
Screw
him and screw Evyn
for putting me in this impossible situation
. “You
know what? Don’t bother. I’m not doing this again. I don’t need you or your
contacts.”

Shaky legs raced me to the chair where my purse sat on
the floor. Knowing it would be dark outside, I knelt and rummaged through to
grab hold of my keys…or stall for time. In my heart, I wasn’t ready to give up.
The walk down the hall before each session no longer flooded me with
trepidation. Instead, there was hope. Where once I’d scoffed at this process, I
now felt optimistic. I couldn’t untangle my attraction for Daniel from this
whole scenario, but the point was I was trying for once.

My fingers connected with the rattling mess of metal.
I yanked it out, standing clumsily in the process. I faced the menacing door
that led to another downfall. Then, I slung my purse over my shoulder with
deliberation and headed straight toward it.

“Wait.” His voice stopped me before I grabbed the
handle. I spun to see Daniel frozen and leaning on his fists on the top of the
desk. Seeing his head down, obviously trying to make sense of this and figure
out what to do, I waited. His body straightened in an instant, and he sighed
heavily as he regarded me. The pained expression on his face was too much. In
that moment, I understood what was most important. What was right.

“You don’t have to say anything, Daniel. It’s not your
fault.” I peered down at the keys in my hand, knowing I’d been the selfish one.
“You tried. This is my problem.”

I reached for the door handle and pulled it open,
ready to come to terms with it.

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

My body stayed in place, but my head turned to him,
thinking I might have imagined him speaking. “What did you say?”

He came from behind the desk. “You’re wrong…it’s not
only your problem. It’s mine, too. I reacted poorly to the situation. I’m
sorry. I don’t want you to go.”

It took a bit of strength to find my voice, to express
what I thought and felt in a situation I was inexperienced to deal with. My
strengths in verbal communication presented themselves better during conflict.
“You don’t have to apologize.” He stopped a few feet behind me, and I finally
let loose my grip from the door handle. “You also don’t have to keep me on out
of pity. It’s not what I want.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong, here. It’s me who should
make this right.”

He had meant to be kind most likely, but his words
felt like a slap in the face. “I see. You’re the professional. You should know
better. Is that it?”

“Look, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m taking
the blame.”

“Of course, you are. Someone like me couldn’t possibly
be responsible for her actions. No, I get it. Don’t say another word. I know
exactly what you’re getting at. Everything professional and above board from
now on. Great.” I placed my hand on the edge of the open door and nudged it a
little farther. “You’ll get Shrink of the Year. I’ll get a promotion and adopt
some kids from another country. Perfect. See you next week, Dr. Harrison?”

When I tried to step through the doorway, Daniel paced
the rest of the way to me and reached above my head to stop the door. “Don’t
leave like this, please.” The desperate plea in his voice shot directly to my
heart.
The man was insane to want to keep this madness going
.

“Why?”

“Can you please just stop with the defenses for once,
and I’ll tell you?”

I released the door, turned my body to face him, still
uncertain if I even had the energy to continue this fire dance for almost two
more months. Once he had my attention, it seemed he lost a bit of his nerve.
Silence filled the air around us until a building tension almost had me bolt
out the door before Daniel spoke. “I won’t give up on you.”

The doubt I felt came through my intense stare,
causing him to take in a breath and continue, “I’ve never felt pity for you,
Gray. That’s not what this is about. I don’t
want
to give up, Gray. You
have absolutely no reason to trust me or my word, but I’m asking you…please,
can we stay the course? Can we focus on what needs to be done here? I believe
in you, and I truly believe that if we work together and stick this out, things
will get better. But, we have to do it together as a team.” He dropped his hand
from the doorway and stuck it out to me. “As friends.”

The corners of my mouth perked up into a slow grin.
He’d pissed me off…but then again, everyone did at some point. The truth was, I
believed him to be sincere. And Daniel as a friend was better than no Daniel at
all.

“Deal?” he said when I hadn’t answered.

I needed a few more seconds of staring at this
adorable gesture before I caved. “Deal.” I took his hand in mine for an awkward
yet still titillating shake. “Friends.”

--------------------------

15 years earlier
…

Noah ambled over from the kitchen wearing Batman pajamas and a giant
smile. Two things he was almost never without. A red sucker clutched in his
hand, he plopped down on the carpet in front of me.

“Hey, where’d you get that?” I realized the answer as
the question came out.

“Up on da shef.” He pointed the sucker to the ceiling
with a triumphant smile. Noah had been becoming a climber. If he wanted
something, he would find a way to get it. That sucker was in a bag on a shelf
over the counter.

“Noah, that’s not safe.”

“You wanna lick, Gway?” He twisted and plunged the
candy so close to my face it almost went up my nose.

“No thanks…you know what flavor I like.” I knew he
wasn’t supposed to be eating sweets so close to dinner, but since I had no clue
when that would be, I didn’t care.

“Gwape.”

“Yeah, grape.”

“Can we go swim?”

We’d already watched the DVD of his favorite movie and
now the credits rolled and panic rose in my chest. “No…we can’t swim now.”

“Why? I wanna swim.”

“Because…it’s too late now. Besides, we have to be
invited, silly.” Our neighbors put in a pool the beginning of last summer. When
we played in the backyard, we could hear the high school kids splashing and
yelling. Noah learned some new words thanks to them. Mrs. Watson told us months
ago she’d invite us over for a swim sometime. Ever since Noah had asked me.
Every. Single. Day.

“When they going to invite us? When’s Daddy coming
home?”

I plucked the remote from beside me and clicked the
movie to start again. It was the sole thing I could think of to keep him from
asking questions or getting into trouble. What else was I supposed to do with a
three-year-old? I’d lost my Mother-of-the-Year status a long time ago, and TV
became my go-to solution. We used to be at the park at this time with Grandma,
but since her stroke, she hadn’t been over.

As the opening scene played out, my eyes went from
Noah to the TV to the front door and back to Noah. It was about the hundredth
time I’d done that in the past two hours. The sun would be setting soon, and I
had homework. The fifth grade science fair had been in my sights since Mrs.
Boon announced it earlier in the year, but I had barely started the work.

Noah turned and smiled at me when his favorite part
came. I grinned in return, genuinely happy to see him filled with such real
joy. At the same time, I felt sad because I knew that light would fade soon
enough. How could it not, with a dead mother and an absentee father?

His hand reached back and landed on my foot, giving it
a tiny squeeze, confirming my presence. Maybe I hadn’t done the best job trying
to be a mommy to him, but at least I was there.
I won’t ever leave you, Noah
,
I whispered unsure if he even noticed. I bundled a bunch of the soft curly ends
of his feathery hair and played with them when the door finally opened.

“Daddy!” That was the extent of Noah’s excitement, and
then he turned back to the TV.

“Finally,” I said through an exaggerated breath.

“Well, hello to you, too, shrimp boat.” His odd smile
felt out of place, like he was on one of those TV sitcoms.

Dad shuffled in and shrugged off his coat, tossing it
in a chair. “Where’s Dana?”

“She left like two hours ago, Daddy.”

“What the…” He plodded to the kitchen, heading for the
phone.

“You can’t call her.” I followed, glancing back to
make sure Noah was still completely engrossed in his movie. “You’re late. She
told you she had a final tonight. We called you like ten times.”

The phone already rested in his tight grip, when my
words hit him. His weary eyes turned to me in confusion. He hadn’t shaved in
days, and his shirt was wrinkled and stained. “I got hung up.”

How many times had I heard that one? “What about
dinner?”

Dad turned toward the living room with narrowed eyes.
“You gave him a damn sucker, Gray?”

“He was getting hungry.” The look on Dad’s face made
my pulse race. “If there was a grown-up here, he wouldn’t have climbed the
shelf to get the
damn
sucker!”

One long stride had him hovering over me. “Hey, young
lady. You watch your mouth. We don’t talk like that.”

“
You
just did.” I folded my arms, feeling bold,
waiting for a reason to scream at him.

He took hold of my arm, not forcefully, but deliberate.
He pulled in a deep breath like he was struggling to contain himself.
“Gray…you’re a child. I can speak however I choose because I’m an adult.”

Something took over me in that moment. A hot fire
flared in my chest, and I yanked my arm away. “Yeah, well, you could have
fooled me!” I marched away, toward the living room, grabbing Noah’s water
bottle on the way, Dad hot on my trail.

“Get back here, Gray. You don’t speak to me that way.”
His words had more desperation than strength behind them.

Ignoring him, I bent down next to Noah whose smile
told me he’d been tuning us out. “Sit with me.” He grasped the end of my shirt
and gave it a couple of tugs. “Please?”

“Not right now. Here.” I handed him the water bottle,
a trade for the sucker stick he’d obviously been chewing on. “Thanks. We don’t
chew these. It’s not safe.”

I stood, and my eyes met Dad’s. His chest heaved with
a sigh, and his features had softened. I couldn’t understand why he suddenly
didn’t appear angry. “Hey, I’m going to order some pizza.”

“I’m going to my room to do homework.” Just because he
acted like he wasn’t mad at me, didn’t mean I wasn’t still mad at him. I
trudged right by him and down the hall toward my room. Before I slammed the
door shut, I yelled. “And you better keep an eye on Noah. He’s a climber!”

That night I snuck into Noah’s room after Dad had put
him to bed and then collapsed in front of the TV. He wouldn’t sleep without me
being there for saying prayers to God and Mommy. I knelt beside him, giving him
the silent shooshing sign with my finger to my lips. I rested my elbows on the
covers that were pulled up to his neck. Each night he said the same prayer,
asking God to watch over us, help Daddy to be happy, and give Mommy a hug. Then,
he would always add something new like, “Please, tell Mrs. Watson to invite us
swimming” or “Send a lost puppy over.” That night he said, “God, thank you for
the pizza. I left a piece for Mommy on the table.” Then, he held two fingers to
his lips and pointed up to the ceiling. My heart melted and ached all at the
same time, but mostly, I was happy that neither of us had forgotten our mother
yet.

* * *

Present Day

A piercing chime startled me to attention. I’d fallen asleep on the
couch with a book and my laptop surrounding me in addition to the television
being on. It had been one of those nights I’d anticipated insomnia, so I hadn’t
even bothered to turn my ringer lower when I’d set myself up on the couch for
the night. Without a clue as to what time it was, I swiped the phone from
beside me.

“Gray, it’s your dad.”

The voice injected a cold ache in my chest. Silence. I
wasn’t awake enough to prepare. Instead of wondering why he called, I felt
conned, trapped. Since I moved out eight years ago, we’d only spoken or seen
each other a handful of times.

“Gray…please. This is not about us. It’s urgent.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Can you get over to Becca and Harvey’s place right
away? I’m in the car on my way, too.”

“Why?” I pulled the phone from my ear to see the time.
Eleven-twenty.

“I don’t know for sure. Just that Becca called me
crying, locked in the bathroom. She said she called the police.”

“Oh, God. I swear, if he did something to hurt her…”

“Listen, Gray. Don’t go in unless the police are
already there. I’m a ways out, so I want someone there for her. Family.”

Is that what we were
? “Okay, I’m leaving.” I
clicked off and looked down at myself, not remembering what I was wearing.
Pajama bottoms and a tank top. I ran to my room to kick off the bottoms and
pull on some jeans. I threw a sweater on over my tank, and I was out the door.

My mind raced as I drove. I tried to keep my thoughts
from my father and our issues. A steady beat thumped behind my ears. I’d seen
firsthand what Harvey was capable of. I was ready to handle him if necessary. I
scrolled through my phone to check the picture I’d taken at his house and
hadn’t looked at since.

Eighteen minutes later, I pulled into the driveway
next to a cop cruiser, lights flashing silently. A female police officer came
into view as I approached the open front door. Harvey sat, cuffed and pissed,
on the couch with a male officer standing over him.

When I stepped inside, I spotted Becca, red-faced with
mascara smeared down her cheek and looking every bit as fearful and guilty as
Harvey. This was the last thing I needed.

“Gray, what are you doing here?” Becca paced a wide
circle around Harvey and the officer to get to me and deliver a desperate hug.

I reached down and took her hand. “My dad called me.
Are you okay? What the hell’s going on?” Who knew why I was whispering. The
penetrating stare the female officer sent our way could have had something to
do with it.

Becca led me back toward the kitchen. “I didn’t want
you to get involved.” Her voice came out as low as mine. She eyed Harvey and
continued. “Especially after what happened between you two.”

I offered tight lips and a glare.
Keep your mouth
shut
. “I was closer, and my dad didn’t want you here alone. Not with
him
,
anyway.”

“I heard that.” Harvey twisted on the couch, shooting
daggers from his eyes at me. “Screw you, Gray.”

“Hey. Relax, buddy.” The male officer placed a hand on
Harvey’s shoulder and then looked over at me. “Ma’am, we finally got these two
calm, so if you’re going to stir them up, I’m going to have to ask you to
leave.”

“I’m sorry, but can someone please tell me what’s
going on?”

“I came to get something from the house,” Becca said
innocently. “I thought Harvey was out of town. He came home and started yelling
at me to get out, trying to drag me to the door. To throw me out of my own
home.”

“You don’t live here anymore, Becca. You chose to
leave.”

“She left because you’re a lying, cheating bastard.”

“Lying?” Harvey stood and turned to face us. “You’ve
got to be fucking kidding me. This coming from the queen of all liars?”

“Simmons!” The male officer head gestured to the
female who snapped to attention after she appeared to be texting. “We might
need to separate these folks.”

Simmons dragged her annoyed expression our way and
took up residence in our personal space.

“The cuffs are on the right person,” I said to no one
in particular. Then, I looked to the male officer. “Are you taking this wife
beater to jail or what?”

“I didn’t lay a finger on her. Look at her. She’s
fine.”

“Yeah, this time.” I looked to Becca who avoided me by
looking out the window.

Simmons held up a surprisingly delicate looking hand.
“Mrs. Pantero. You’re the one who called 911. Do you want to press any charges
at this time?”

When Becca glanced at me, I raised my eyebrows, hoping
she’d give that loser what he deserved. Her expression was pleading and
apologetic, uncharacteristic of the Becca I’d grown up with. This man had
obviously changed her. “No…I’m not pressing charges.”

“Are you sure, ma’am?” The male officer stared at her
with an expression similar to the one I’d just given her.

Everyone stood in silence for a few seconds before
Harvey chimed in. “What the hell? Is anyone on my side?”

As the officer uncuffed Harvey, my father walked in
like he was entering a diner, completely apathetic like this kind of scene was
nothing new for him. If I hadn’t known he was coming, I might have been blown
away to see his face in person. Still, it was a bit of a shock to the system
even with my mental preparation.

I waited as his eyes swept around the room as if they
were after something. When they connected with mine, he offered a thin smile to
which my blank stare offered nothing in return. Becca took off, sprinting
toward my dad, to cry on his shoulder. Stunned by a closeness I hadn’t known
existed, I stood there watching like it was an after school special. Becca and
I didn’t talk often about family matters, mostly because she would end up defending
him.

He peeled her arms from around his neck and addressed
the male officer. “Henry Donovan, sir. I’m Becca’s brother-in-law. Anything I
can do here?”

“I suppose you can take these ladies out of here.
We’re about done.”

My dad looked confused, but didn’t question the
officer. “Of course.” He turned toward the door after sending a disgusted head
shake over to Harvey. Simmons also headed for the door.

“Mrs. Pantero, do you have somewhere to stay?” Simmons
asked Becca.

“Yes, I’m staying with my sister for now. Thank you,
officer.”

“I’ll follow her over,” Dad said.

“You know…” All eyes turned to me. “I just remembered.
There was something I left in your bathroom the last time I was here.”

Becca looked at me like I’d just lit up a joint. “What
are you talking about?”

I turned from her to Harvey. The recognition on his
face told me he knew I hinted for his benefit.

“Never mind… It’s not important.”

“Are you sure?” Becca said.

“You can bank on it.”

I swear, I saw Harvey’s lips mouth the word “what” as his
brows shot toward his nose. It made no difference that I didn’t have a clue
what that bankbook was from. Having Harvey sweating about it would work for
now. And it could keep his ass in line for a while.