Confessions of a Wild Heart (16 page)

“That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Jase grimaced. “Full disclosure; since I’ve been back, we slept together. It wasn’t necessarily a mistake. Two adults and all. But it complicated things.”

Ase could understand that. “Kinda like last night.”

Jase’s eyes were snapping, but he got control of himself before he spoke. “If that’s how you want to think of it.”

Jase crammed the last of his egg burrito in his mouth and pushed back from the table. Ase sighed. He’d been enjoying their momentary truce; the acting like this wasn’t the most surreal morning ever. But the time moment had passed.

“I won’t pretend like it’s a good idea we get involved.”

“Because of your not-boyfriend-slash-friend?” Jase asked the question over his shoulder as he rinsed his plate in the sink, shoulders held rigid.

“No. Because I’m leaving. And you’re in the closet, so far as I can tell. And my life is… I have responsibilities.”
And you still think you’re a sissy because you like boys.
Jase didn’t even have to tell Ase that, he’d deduced it on his own, even back when they’d met in Munich. The uncomfortable way Jase’s eyes lingered on Dustin had been nothing to the way they had when he’d met Ase’s friend Manila in full drag on that street corner in Germany.

Jase deflated with a loud exhale before turning back to Ase. “Well, can’t we just not fight every time we see each other? Because…” Jase had that naive country boy look Ase’d seen years ago, the thing that’d attracted Ase to him so much. He’d never seen such an innocence that still lingered, even with an understanding of the world. How one kept that kind of sweetness when they’d witnessed what Jase’d probably seen in Afghanistan was beyond Ase. He barely survived what he’d seen at home.

“I don’t suppose it’d kill me to stop being a complete
hijo de puta
for an old friend.” Ase couldn’t believe he was saying it. He was a dick to everyone. He’d set his dickhead cap on years ago and used it like armor. But he’d only get a few more months with Jase, at most. He could play nice for a bit.

“You sure?” Jase asked, not seeming to believe him. “You’ll have to excuse me for not taking your word for it with how… volatile you’ve been,” Jase said. Ase had to give him credit for being up front. And for not calling him an asshole, showing he was being serious.

“I’m not always gonna be kittens and fucking sunshine, okay? But I can
try
to play nice.”

Jase studied him for a minute then nodded. “I can live with that.” Jase went back to washing his plate and the cookware. “So what’s with all the visits to the drunk tank? Apparently, you’re notorious around these parts.”

“Just living up to the thug-life reputation.” Ase gave his best interpretation of the accent most people associated with the Latino gang member—Hollywood stereotypes.

Jase didn’t appear to find that amusing, shooting a glare over his shoulder.

“So. San Antonio?” Ase deflected. Again, he got a glare.

“Yes,” Jase supplied. “After, well, after we stopped talking, I ended up finishing school, like I’d talked about. It was only one more semester. I applied for a job in some of the bigger towns’ and cities’ police departments.” Jase came back over and sat down with his refilled coffee mug, topped Ase’s off. He stopped talking, and Ase looked up to see a strange expression on Jase’s face.

“What?”

Jase visibly shook himself. “Sorry. It’s just surreal sitting here, talking to you. In a good way, but surreal.”

Ase shrugged like it was nothing, but inside he felt the same. He’d just been thinking how surreal it was earlier. And he’d thought how nice it was when he’d had those pretty pink lips around him last night.

“Anyway,” Jase went on. “My parents actually lost their shit. They thought I should stay and get married like my brother, help on the ranch part-time, work for the sheriff or Abernathy PD. But I wanted a job where I could grow. My dad thought I was being irresponsible, my mama thinks I’m a selfish brat.”

Ase’s head went back in surprise. “You fought for your country, and they were pissed you took the one vacation in Germany.” He couldn’t believe he remembered that detail. “Then you decide you’ll continue fighting the greater good as a cop, and they think you’re selfish?”

Jase rolled his eyes. “You know small-town mentality. You’re supposed to do what’s good for the family and for the church, not what’s good for the individual.”

“But… You’re a cop.” Ase was still a bit baffled. His parents were thrilled when his older brother Rafe had ended up at LAPD after being a shithead gang member as a kid. They’d brought the neighborhood down celebrating when he’d been made detective.

“It was seen as me trying to be better than them and abandoning my brother to the ranch.” Jase grimaced. “My dad thought I was a snob for being a soldier, but a pantywaist for wanting to be a teacher.”

“You wanted to teach?”

Jase shrugged. “I thought about it. Had a teacher I respected a lot when I was a kid, and I’m a big fan of history, so I thought it could be interesting molding young minds and all that.” Again, he shrugged. “I love my job, though, and I loved the military.”

Ase had a feeling he knew where Jase’s masculinity issues came from now. He winced when he thought of what Jase would think about what Ase got up to some weekends.

“What about you? Finished med school, I see.”

Ase did
not
want to talk about the last four years of hell and huge mistakes and regret and piles of guilt. Not when he was feeling so calm and hidden away on a little ranch with Jase.

“Yep.”

“And Abernathy? University Hospital?” Jase looked a little hurt when he finished; “You couldn’t e-mail me?”

Ase closed his eyes and took a sip of coffee, wishing for something stronger. “I can’t really tell you how bleak the last few years have been. And I don’t want to get into it, so don’t ask.

            “I guess, when I was putting in for residencies, I knew I wanted out of California for a little while, and I remembered how much you loved it here.”

           Jase was frowning, looking at some point in his mind rather than wherever his eyes focused behind Ase. “Home.”

           “Yeah,” Ase said, lamely.

           They were quiet for a moment, a maudlin mood trying to blanket the room. But Jase spoke, batting it away. “Ever seen a horse?”

           Ase eyed him. “A real one?”

           Jase laughed. “Come on, come with me.”

An hour later Ase wasn’t sure he was glad to have seen a horse in person for the first time. They were… big. And they smelled funny. Jase’d tried to tell him they were only skittish around him because he wouldn’t relax. Ase didn’t give a fuck. Give him motorcycles and high speeds any day. At least a motorcycle wouldn’t kick you in the face.

Ase looked out over the acres and acres of tall, swaying grass that moved in the wind, making a peaceful rustling sound as the blades snapped together.

“When I pictured the ranch after your e-mails, I pictured it more ranch-y.”

Jase sidled up beside where Ase was leaning on the wooden fence that separated the pasture from the yard. He had on a cowboy hat, but not like the silly ones all the deputies at the sheriff’s office wore. Jase’s was worn and broken in, not felt either but a hard, almost straw-like hat. He’d bent the front in such a way it shaded his eyes from the sun just right, and Ase would kill for one right now as he used a hand over his eyes to block the rays.

“Do you mean like a dude ranch?”

“No,” Ase laughed. “I realize I’m a city boy, but I don’t think of ranches as being a tourist attraction.” He shoved Jase with his shoulder. “I meant… I don’t know. It’s kinda dead out here.”

“I call it
Rancho de la Muerte
in my head.”

Ase looked at Jase searchingly. The despair and loss in Jase’s eyes was hard to take. “That’s sad,
gringo
.”

“My dad died without ever forgiving me for moving. Had cancer. Didn’t call me home in all those months he was sick. My brother had to tell me. Now my mama had a stroke, and she doesn’t want me home. All over not gettin’ married and popping out babies and living on their land.”

“That’s a sad stack of cards.”

Jase looked at Ase from the side of his eyes. “Doesn’t sound like yours is much better. Hell, I bet it’s worse.”

“Yeah, well. My folks are still alive.” Among other things.

Speaking of which. He pulled out his phone, surprised they hadn’t been blowing it up yet this morning.
“Why haven’t you moved Lizeth out there?” “You’re not still doing those things, are you? With men?”

Thankfully, nothing from his parents, but he did have a text from Dustin.
You’re welcome.

Little shit.
He’s going back to SA, and I’m going back to SD. Just friends.

He didn’t even know why he felt the need to clarify that.

You tell yourself that if you need to, Doc.

He scowled at the phone and slid it back in his pocket. Jase had gone back to the barn and started rolling up the water hose he’d been using to fill the trough in the paddock. It seemed all wrong. Ase always had this image of Jase out here on his ranch with that hat and those skin-tight Wranglers and boots, but he was missing that relaxed look he’d had in the photo Ase’d taken of him in Germany. He didn’t look as comfortable in his skin.

Of all people, Ase could understand not coming out to parents who were so pissed at Jase over something as stupid as moving a few hours from home. “So, you’re not out at all?” He didn’t know why it even mattered. Not like it concerned him.

Jase turned to Ase, one side of his lips ticked up in a smile, even if he was surprised by the random question. “That was a little outta the blue.”

“Sorry,” Ase said, smiling as he walked over to where Jase was kicking the toe of his boot in the dirt. “My mind is a scary, mysterious place.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Jase said, with a chuckle. “You’re all mystery, Doctor Ramirez.”

“Why, thank you for saying so,” Ase teased.

Jase rolled his eyes but responded to the question he’d originally been asked. “It’s not that I’m like hiding back in Narnia or anything. I’ve had fuck buddies in San Antonio. And you know how I said I don’t screw anyone without them knowing, so I told Lacey I’d been with guys, though I’m not sure she got that I meant I still actively was over the years. Although, it may be that she just didn’t really care.

“And I told my brother while I was here for my daddy’s funeral. He’s kinda awkward about it. Said basically what I felt about it, though. Not much reason sayin’ much to people at work or anything unless I’m with a man. Why stir the hornet's nest screaming about pride when I don’t have someone by my side to be proud of.”

Ase rankled a bit. He got it, he did. But he supposed that was why gay men gave bi men shit all the time; they didn’t have to come out really, unless needs must. Though, he knew that was an unfair generalization. Jase could tell Ase wasn’t a fan of the answer if his suddenly guarded expression was anything to go by.

“Anyway,” he said. “I gotta go in for a shift this afternoon, so I’ll be off tomorrow for my mother’s big homecoming.”

“Not a problem. I should get home anyway. I’ll have to be at the hospital early for rounds so tonight’s my last laundry night.”

Jase nodded, and they both made their way back to Jase’s foreman’s cottage. Ase looked up at the sad, quiet ranch house, abandoned and unlived in. Jase hadn’t talked about it, but the place felt off limits.

“Hey, Ase,” Jase said, quietly behind him.

Ase turned to him. “Yeah?”

“This was nice. I’m glad you came to Abernathy. Even if you were a pain in my ass the last week.” Jase’s last few words were teasing, but the painful sincerity with which he said the rest before covering himself had made Ase’s hands shake again. A drink would be fucking awesome when he got home. He needed some of his old friend Jose’s help to process this whole morning.

But he’d at least give Jase something. “Definitely.” He winked at Jase, who blushed. Fucking cute
gringo
. Between them, they had too many issues for any involvement other than friendship—if even that—to be anything resembling a good idea. Didn’t change how they felt together or how uninhibited the sex was. But cutting the shit off at the pass was the smartest move.

It shouldn’t be too hard not to get stupid about it, though. They both had crazy schedules, and Jase had to take care of his mother.

Maybe if Ase kept telling himself the temptation to ride Matilda on down for some action every once in a… wait. “Aw, fuck!” He ran inside to remind Jase they still had to get his bike out of tow. And thinking about the fee and possible fine he’d have to pay was enough to kill not only his hard-on, but any warm fuzzy feelings for the rest of the afternoon.

Chapter 14

GETTING off soon, why?
Jase smiled at the text message, doing his best not to respond as his inner fourteen-year-old.

Stop thinking dirty, gringo.
Jase laughed aloud when he read that.

Busted.
Ase had him dead to rights. He whipped his squad car into the parking lot of the sheriff’s department. He shot off another quick text as he headed inside and made his way to his desk to finish filing his citations for the afternoon. Jase and Ase had struck up a tentative friendship in the few weeks since Ase’d stayed over.

They carefully avoided any talk of their past relationship, and Ase was still kind of a steel trap about his life over the last four years. A story about his ex, Anthony, would pop out here and there; sometimes he’d talk about things from San Diego or even Munich that he missed. But they were careful. More careful than Jase would like, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. He enjoyed Ase’s banter and company. The man hadn’t exactly done a one-eighty. He could still be a straight up dickhead, but he didn’t have the same animosity he’d had when they’d first met up again in Abernathy.

Ase’d helped Jase change the oil in his truck, and Jase had helped Ase study for some big medical board exam he had coming up. He’d played guinea pig, not study-buddy.