Conflicted (22 page)
Authors: Lisa Suzanne
When I woke the next morning, I was epically confused.
I didn’t immediately know where I was. I couldn’t remember how I got there. And I had very little recollection of the events that transpired the night before.
Most of it was blocked by the intense, splitting throb that knifed through my brain and the nauseating ache in my belly. It only took me a second to realize I was in a hotel room. The drapes did their job blocking out daylight, but I could tell it was morning by the glow of light peeking around the edges. I turned in the bed and found Cole asleep beside me, and the previous night came back in a rush of traumatic and vile recollections.
I’d caught him with another woman.
Was it wrong of me to be supremely offended? Was it wrong of me to feel betrayed when I myself went home to another man every single night?
It didn’t feel wrong. It did, however, feel like the bottom level of hell, especially mixed with a still drunken sensation and the beginnings of an epic hangover.
“Shit,” I muttered.
Cole turned toward me. “Good morning, sunshine.”
I glared at him. “Screw you.”
“Oh, my darling, don’t you wish that’s how we could start the day? Unfortunately, I have a meeting to get to.”
The fact that he was so drop-dead gorgeous and completely pulled together seconds after waking up did nothing but piss me right off. I hopped out of bed, ready to point fingers and throw hateful words at him.
But the tequila stopped me cold.
“Fuck!” I yelled.
“I already told you, Ms. Cleary. Not now. I have to prepare for the Assistant of the Year awards ceremony.”
“God, I hate you with a burning vengeance.”
“That’s sweet of you to say. I hope you feel the same way after you use the restroom and find everything you need to get ready for the day thanks to the help of the hotel concierge. We’ll be leaving in an hour.” He tossed the covers off of himself and stood from the bed. He stretched lazily in nothing but his boxer briefs. I was torn between running toward him to drop kick him or to jump in his arms.
I hated him. I loved him.
I hated that I loved him.
I didn’t do any of that, though. Instead, I said, “You think I’m going into work with you today?”
“I think you don’t have much of a choice.”
He was right. God DAMMIT, he was right.
I was stuck. I needed to go to work to claim my award. I could quit after the check was deposited. There was no way I was going to work with the asshole standing in front of me. I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to throw up.
Well, that may have been because of the tequila, but I was blaming him.
Where the fuck did he get off sleeping with another woman?
My anger took hold of me once again. I huffed out some non-response and turned on my heel toward the restroom.
I rolled my eyes childishly as I looked around. He’d thought of everything. Literally not one single detail was left unattended, from a toothbrush and toothpaste to undergarments and a brand new dress with matching heels in my size.
He’d even left a bottle of water and a small bottle of ibuprofen. I greedily sucked down a few pills to help stave off the pounding in my skull.
I should’ve been appreciative. He was literally saving my ass on potentially the biggest day of my entire career, but instead of appreciation, I felt frustration and hatred.
The words Luke—the random guy who had befriended me at the conference in New York—had said to me on the bench popped suddenly into my mind.
His words replayed over and over as I undressed and got into the shower. They played while I squirted some of Cole’s shower gel onto a loofah. He’d left a bottle of girly shower gel, but my hand automatically reached for his instead.
Luke’s words continued to play while I scrubbed shampoo through my hair and then rinsed. They played as I toweled off, and they played as I did my make-up, dried my hair, and put on the lovely black and white dress Cole had chosen for me. They played as I slipped my feet into the heels, and they played again when I fastened the earrings and the necklace that were on the counter—the jewelry that, incidentally, matched perfectly with the dress.
Luke’s words became a song chanting through my head.
“When you feel so much passion for someone, it’s easy for the lines between love and hate to blur.”
I stared at myself in the mirror as I tried to piece together my emotions enough to make sense of them.
I knew who I used to be. I used to be Lucy Cleary. Wife of John Cleary. Assistant to the CEO of Benson Industries. A good girl who had turned into a good woman who planned life carefully and worked hard.
But now as I stared at my own reflection, I saw a passionate and confused woman who no longer knew what she wanted. A cheater. An adulterer. A person who acted on impulse and emotion instead of strategy and logic.
I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. Maybe I never was that other person. Maybe deep down I was always this immoral person incapable of redemption.
Or maybe the realizations I was having that morning meant that I was more capable of redemption than I thought.
John gave up on me because I’d slept with another man. Was I a complete hypocrite to give up on Cole because he’d slept with another woman? Or was the bigger issue the fact that I didn’t know how many women Cole had on the side?
Would I ever be able to trust him? And worse, would he ever be able to trust me?
This is what came from affairs and cheating. John was hurt. I was hurt.
But was Cole hurt?
I didn’t have answers, but I did have to get my ass moving before he left without me. My car was still at the bar a few blocks from the office. I’d easily be able to pick it up and head home later that night.
Home. I smiled sadly at the girl in the mirror. I couldn’t go home to the apartment I shared with my husband. He deserved some time to himself.
I didn’t really have a home anymore. But I did have ten thousand dollars coming to me that would help me to find one.
I’d earmarked the money for so many other things, but it seemed that now I didn’t have much choice in how I was going to spend it.
I took a deep breath, forced myself to smile at the girl in the mirror, and headed back out to Cole.
“You’re stunning,” he said, his eyes scanning me appreciatively from where he sat on a small couch across the room with his laptop perched across his legs. Why did my heart feel like it was breaking in my chest the second my eyes landed on him sitting there in all his achingly handsome glory?
“Thanks,” I mumbled, no longer sure how to handle him. My mind jumbled with relentless questions. Was I supposed to allow him to flirt with me? Was I supposed to flirt back?
And why the hell did every nerve in my body seem to light up when his eyes met mine? Why did the ache between my legs intensify the second my ears picked up on the deep timber of his voice?
“Did you find everything you needed in there?” he asked, trying to make conversation as he snapped his laptop closed and set it on the table in front of him.
“I did. Thank you.” My words weren’t enough to truly thank him for the effort he’d put forth to make me comfortable that morning, but this situation tossed me headfirst into uncharted territory.
“Your car is at the office and your keys are on your desk.”
He really had actually thought of everything.
“Thank you.”
“Can we talk before we go?” he hedged, his eyes on me.
I shrugged and looked out the window. “It’s your hotel room.”
“Sit.” The command in his voice had me sitting on the chair across from him. “I’m sorry for what you saw last night.”
He was sorry for
what I saw
? He wasn’t sorry for what he did?
He continued before I had a chance to open my mouth to respond. “I turned to a friend who…let’s just say she makes herself available whenever I call. It was wrong of me and I apologize.”
Well shit.
I had to remember when I got to the office to mark down this as the first day in history that Cole Benson actually admitted to doing something wrong. I was about to interject a sarcastic comment along those lines when his next words stopped me cold in my tracks.
“I’m going to say this, and I don’t want you to respond. I don’t want you to interrupt. I don’t want you to stop me. I want you to think about my words today, and at the end of the day, we can talk. But after I say this, we are going to leave separately, and my words are going to hang in the air between us. I’ve ordered a car for you so we don’t show up at work together. I have an out of office meeting this morning, and I’ll be in a little after ten. The awards ceremony is at eleven. Do you have any questions?”
I shook my head, floored at the actual amount of thought he’d put into his speech and curious as to what the hell he was about to say.
He stood and faced the window rather than me. He was quiet for a brief moment, and then he took a deep breath, turned toward me, and spoke the words that would linger in my mind for the rest of the day—if not much, much longer than that.
“Lucy, I like you. A lot. I more than
like
you, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I know it’s powerful. And that doesn’t happen to me. I don’t get involved in committed relationships because—are you ready for this?—because the last time I was in one, she cheated on me. It broke my fucking heart and turned me into a cold bastard who decided that calling a random blonde whose name I wouldn’t remember in the morning was easier than having actual feelings for someone.”
He stopped for a moment to pick up his laptop and set it in his bag. I wanted to interject, to respond, to say something—anything—but I couldn’t, because I promised I wouldn’t.
I could feel my heart breaking all over again, and I was powerless to fix any of it.
He picked up his bag and started for the door. He rested his fingers on the handle and turned back to me.
“So if you think I betrayed you because I slept with Heidi last night, you’re wrong. I didn’t betray you, and I don’t owe you anything—including an explanation. But here it is: I was lashing out because I’m sick of your game. We can’t label this as exclusive because you are
married
. You’re stringing me along. You’ve always got an excuse why you can’t talk to your husband, and I fucking hate being the third wheel in your marriage. I know what it’s like to be in John’s shoes, and that’s why I stayed the hell away from you until I couldn’t anymore. There are two losers in this, Lucy, and neither one is you. So make your decision, think it through, choose wisely, man the fuck up, and be honest.”
With that, he opened the door and walked out.
It clicked shut behind him with a hollowness that resounded loudly in my heart.
I stared at the door he’d disappeared through for a good three minutes, his words fresh in my mind. I finally drew in a breath, grabbed my purse, and headed down for the car Cole had called to take me to work.
Cole was usually already in his office by the time I got to work, so it was strange to get in before him. I sat at my desk and powered on my computer, hoping to be able to concentrate on work.
I checked my phone while I waited for my computer. In the haze of my hangover, getting ready in record time, and being seriously put in my place by Cole, I hadn’t even thought to look at it to see if John had tried to call.
He hadn’t. I wasn’t surprised.
He was hurt, and I didn’t blame him. I’d been the one to hurt him, and it was only fair for me to leave it up to him to make contact. I supposed I’d need to stop home at some point in the short term, if nothing else to get some of my things. Cole had been nice enough to provide what I needed that morning, but I couldn’t rely on him.
In the long term, I’d need to move out of the apartment I shared with John. We’d need to talk, to separate our things, to move forward with our divorce.
But all of that could wait for a bit. Our marriage was over, but John deserved the time to process my confession from the night before.
When my computer was finally on and I’d pulled up my email, I found one from John. It had been sent a little after two in the morning. My heart raced and tears heated my eyes the second I saw his name. I clicked it immediately and began to read.
Lucy,
I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to see you. I’m going to talk to apartment management today to see if we can break our lease. I’m looking into a divorce lawyer. You keep what’s yours. I don’t want any of it anyway. Come get what you want, but please don’t be at the apartment after 7:00 tonight.
John
I read it through three times, looking for hints into his mental state, but other than the fact that he clearly hated me, he was pretty straightforward.
I swiped at a tear that had escaped from my eye and forced myself to focus on work, but it was largely futile. I gathered data for the MTC account, but I couldn’t move forward with any of my ideas until I met with Cole.
I hated depending on the men in my life, and it seemed like a vicious cycle. First I depended on John to help me with my family, and then I depended on Cole to take care of me the night before and now with the project.
I needed independence.
It was that realization that made me think perhaps my very best option was to get as far away from Cole as I could.
I needed time to move forward in order to heal. I needed to be on my own for a while. I needed to reconnect with Lucy—not the wife, not the cheater, not the assistant, not the confused woman. Just Lucy.
It was time to just be on my own for a while.
The thought of being away from Cole ripped my heart in half.
It was a sad realization to have on the day I was going to be named Assistant of the Year, but I couldn’t see any other way. I knew what I had to do.
I shook my head to clear it and then drafted the email I’d been thinking about all morning. I wasn’t sure if I’d actually send it, but I had it there for insurance.
I chickened out of bringing my questions to Cole and chose to email him about the MTC account. It would be easier to handle it over email than to have to meet face-to-face, especially with everything hanging in the air. I couldn’t let our personal relationship affect my work. It wasn’t professional, and it certainly wasn’t how the Assistant of the Year should act.
When Cole got in a little after ten, he kept his head down as he walked toward his office. I didn’t bother to look up from my computer anyway.
I didn’t know what I was going to say to him at the end of the day, if anything. He’d told me to make a decision.
I thought about that beautiful beach house he’d bought. We could share it. We could play house and make love and look toward our future together.
There was so much about Cole I was sure I loved, and there were probably equal parts that I hated. I knew we had a crazy and intense passion I’d never felt for anyone before him.
But if I was going to be in a relationship with someone, it couldn’t start with betrayal on top of betrayal. Passion wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship.
We both needed to be free and clear to begin a relationship built on an honest and trustworthy foundation, and we didn’t have that—not if I was still married, and not if he was sleeping with Heidi.
My office phone rang. “Hello?” I answered.
“Send out a staff-wide memo from me that the Assistant of the Year will be named in thirty minutes in Training Room A. Mark it high importance.”
“Yes, sir.”
I felt stupid drafting an invitation to the entire staff for an awards ceremony that honored me, but at least I wasn’t signing my name to it.
When Cole headed to the training room a few minutes later to get ready for the ceremony, he kept his head down. I pretended not to look up at him, but I couldn’t help it. He was achingly beautiful in his navy suit. His hair was a mess, and I wanted to run my fingers through it to smooth it down. He hadn’t shaved, and I could still feel his sexy scruff scratching the sensitive skin by my mouth when he kissed me.
I missed him already, and I hadn’t even left him yet.
But I was going to. I didn’t have a choice. Cole had this way of sliding right past my better judgment, and if my goal was truly to get to know myself again, to be an independent woman who could get by without leaning on the men around her, then I needed to cut him out of my life.
I closed my eyes when I felt the stinging. I wouldn’t cry.
I headed over five minutes before the ceremony was set to begin. Training Room A was the room where the majority of staff development took place. It was set up like a lecture room with a small stage in the front and rows of seats facing it. The room could hold over a hundred people, and it was already filling up with coworkers eager to take a short break from their work to grab some of the refreshments at the back of the room and watch one of their own receive a nice bonus.
Three chairs were set up at the front of the room, and two of them were occupied by the other ladies who I was up against for the award—Mary and Jasmine.
I looked around the crowded room. My nerves calmed the moment I spotted Cole. He was talking to the managers of several departments, and his eyes flickered in my direction. I stood rooted to my spot for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened in a relatively short time. My heart ached as I stared at him.
This was going to be so much harder than I thought.
He turned back to his colleagues, and my legs somehow carried me to the chair waiting for me at the front of the room. Mary and Jasmine were making small talk, and they included me in their conversation. But I couldn’t concentrate.
Not when I knew what I had to do.
Cole made his way to the podium just a few feet away from the three of us. I closed my eyes briefly as a hint of his scent floated through the air toward me.
I’d never forget it.
All of our coworkers took their seats, and then Cole began to speak.
“As you know, the Assistant of the Year ceremony was instated by my father several years ago. It was his idea to attach a rather attractive bonus to the award as a way to thank those who really keep our company afloat. I can’t say I disagree with my father, but I, along with several other managers, have decided to completely restructure the award this year.”
A few murmurs rose up from the crowd, and my heart started pounding with anxiety. Since he’d spilled the beans the night before that I was the winner of the award, I’d been counting on the bonus. Ten thousand dollars was everything to me, especially since John deserved the apartment and I had nowhere to live.
But they’d restructured the award?
“This year’s nominees are all very deserving. Mary Banuelos, assistant to Brandon Jeffries, has been with Benson Industries for nine years. Mr. Jeffries has described her as a valuable asset to the entire company, not just to the marketing division. Jasmine Capone, assistant to Kenneth Newlon, has been here for five years. Mr. Newlon has said that the HR department wouldn’t run without her. In fact, he told us that she took a well-deserved vacation last year, and the entire department was in complete disarray until she returned.” The group who had gathered reacted with a laugh.
He was lighter somehow. He’d always been so professional, but he was cracking jokes and making the crowd laugh. I had to wonder if it had something to do with waking up next to me that morning. I brushed the ridiculously arrogant thought away.
I knew he was going to say a little something about me next, and nerves knotted my stomach. “And finally, Lucy Cleary has been the assistant to the CEO for six years. First she worked with my father, and now with me, and I can honestly say that without her, my transition into CEO of this company wouldn’t have been so smooth. She keeps the entire company up and running on a daily basis, and I’ve just piled more work on top of her after one of our newest acquisitions personally requested her.”
He turned back to look at me with a bright smile that just about killed what was left of my soul.
He glanced at Mary and Jasmine, too, but that smile was just for me.
“After much deliberation, the managers and I have arrived at this year’s recipient.” My heart pounded wildly. “But first, let me explain the restructure.”
Jasmine twitched nervously beside me, as did Mary beside her.
“The ten thousand dollar bonus attached to this award certainly makes it high stakes, and in my talks with all of the managers, we agree that all assistants are valuable to this company. All assistants deserve something extra for the long hours they put in. And so, for the first time ever, just like their higher-ups already do, all assistants will be receiving bonuses this year. The structure will depend on the number of years the assistant has been employed with Benson Industries.”
The crowd cheered.
“The three ladies sitting behind me, though, will receive a bigger bonus. Benson had its best quarter ever, and I strongly feel that rewarding our own will lead us to even better quarters in the future. We discussed the qualifications of each nominee at length, and while they’re all deserving, only one of them can be named Assistant of the Year. There isn’t a second place or a third place, so both of the runners-up will receive a five thousand dollar bonus.”
Another cheer rose up from the crowd. Cole’s speech was definitely winning him fans. He was just steps away from physically throwing money out at his underlings, and they were eating it up.
Mary, Jasmine, and I all looked at each other with shock. That meant that the lowest amount we could possibly leave with was five thousand dollars.
“Our winner will receive the ten thousand dollars that has always been associated with this award, but in addition to that, she will receive two additional weeks of paid vacation per year and a ten percent raise.”
Holy shit. I thought the ten thousand was a generous reward, but this…this was unexpected.
This also threw a bit of a wrench into my plans.
“And now I’d like to announce our winner. I can’t say enough about what a professional and qualified recipient we have this year. She’s dedicated. She’s skilled. She’s extraordinary, and I’m a lucky, lucky man that I get to call her my assistant. Congratulations, Lucy Cleary.”
My coworkers in the crowd cheered for me, and I stood from my chair, feigning shock by putting my hand over my mouth. Truthfully, I was a bit shocked at the additions to the award, but he’d already told me I was the winner.
The money was important. The extra vacation time was excellent. The raise was fantastic. Hearing my name was wonderful, but the compliments that came out of his mouth regarding my performance meant so much more to me. Especially after the way he’d treated me the first month we’d worked together.
Cole came over to me with a big smile and shook my hand. He yanked on my hand and pulled me into a brief, work-appropriate hug.
I had to admit that being in his arms felt all sorts of right. I breathed him in, wanting this moment to last forever. I sighed contentedly, wishing with everything inside of me that he’d never let me go.
But he did. We were on a stage in front of all the people who worked for him, after all.
I took a deep breath and made my way to the microphone. “Thank you,” I started. I turned back to Cole, who stood a few feet behind me. He nodded encouragingly. “I really can’t thank you enough for this award. I loved working with your father for so many years, and I’ve learned so much from you since you took over. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it’s been a pleasure working with you.”
I stepped away from the microphone, not sure what else I was supposed to say. I stood to the side while Cole stepped back up and told everyone to get back to work, earning himself another laugh from the crowd—and clearly winning all sorts of fans in the process.
The crowd dispersed, and Cole stood in front of Mary, Jasmine, and me. “Your bonus will be in your next check. HR was notified of the bonuses and the payment has already been processed. Congratulations, ladies. You all deserve it.” Mary and Jasmine gushed over him for a moment, and I hung back just a bit.
