Conflicted (24 page)
Authors: Lisa Suzanne
The first week was the hardest.
That’s what I kept telling myself. If I could just make it through that first week, those seven long days, those one hundred sixty-eight hours, I’d be okay.
I forced myself to focus on one task at a time. Get Madi to school while Kaylee drove to the hospital. Take a shower. Feed myself.
Stay off of my phone since I kept staring at it like it might ring.
It didn’t. I wasn’t sure why I was disappointed every time it didn’t ring.
I wasn’t sure why I was surprised that Cole didn’t put forth any sort of effort to get in touch.
I’d left him. I’d been the one to end things. I’d been the one to quit.
I’d been the stupid one.
I allowed myself to dwell only when I was alone. When I was around my sister and my niece, I put on my brave face.
But when night rolled around and I lay in bed alone, I thought about Cole. My chest heaved with sadness as I wept. My heart physically ached from the wreckage. My stomach hurt. My head hurt.
Everything hurt.
That first week on my own bled slowly into two, and it wasn’t any easier when two bled into three.
When one month had passed, the hole in my heart felt bigger than ever.
The whole point of leaving and venturing off on my own was to find myself. Instead, after that first month, I realized that I’d left my entire heart back in Cole’s capable hands. And I was having a hard time surviving without that very important piece of myself.
When Madi was at school and Kaylee was visiting her husband, I focused on my new job. Lincoln had met me halfway for dinner one night, and we worked out the details of my contract.
I told him everything. It probably wasn’t the most professional way to begin a business relationship, but Lincoln was one of the few people who knew both Cole and me. Besides, he’d brought his wife, Alexis, along, and the two of them had been surprisingly parental.
Neither of them had been surprised that there was something between Cole and me, even though at the time there hadn’t been.
I thought back to the night of the MTC dinner. Cole had admitted that he’d wanted me that night after the fact, and I remembered a very steamy elevator ride where everything and nothing had simultaneously changed.
I immersed myself in work and in helping Kaylee. I forced my smile for Madi. I helped make dinner and do the dishes, but it was all mechanical movements used to bury my feelings.
Because if I let myself think about him—even just for a second—I lost another little piece of myself.
In the blur of the first few weeks that I’d been at Kaylee’s, I’d received an email from John.
Lucy,
I’ve researched divorce and we qualify for a Summary Dissolution since we don’t own any property or have any kids. It’s quick and easy and it’s my preference to handle it this way. We both need to fill out paperwork. I’ll complete my portion and leave it on the kitchen counter. We’ll need to meet at the county courthouse to file the paperwork, and then it’s a six month waiting period. The sooner we can take care of this, the better.
John
I read his email three times.
Quick and easy.
Those were two words that definitely didn’t describe any part of divorce. Nothing about this was easy. It wasn’t like I had Cole just waiting in the wings for me. It wasn’t like I had planned this when we’d gotten married.
It just gave me one more thing to cry over.
I emailed him back to set up a time to meet. Three weeks after John had found out that I had been sleeping with my boss, I ventured out of Kaylee’s house to complete the paperwork at the apartment John and I once shared. I took the paperwork to meet him at the courthouse.
I glanced around the parking lot for his car, but I didn’t see it. I read through the paperwork one more time, and everything looked good. Kaylee had advised me to contact a lawyer, but I was with John on this one. The sooner we could take care of it, the better. I snapped pictures of the pages on my phone so I’d have a copy.
John pulled into the space next to mine, and I realized it was the first time I’d seen him since the night everything changed.
He had sunglasses on, so I couldn’t immediately read him. His beard was a little more unkempt than usual.
I got out of my car, and he turned in my direction but didn’t acknowledge me. I trailed him as we walked into the courthouse.
He took off his sunglasses, and the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes told me that he hadn’t slept in a while. I supposed that’s what being cheated on will do to a person.
I felt the stabbing pain of guilt as I stared at him, but I could offer him no comfort. It was no longer my place.
Instead, I handed him the paperwork with my signature. He searched the directory for where we needed to go, and I simply followed a few paces behind. It was the best I could do for something that was so totally my own fault.
Tears pricked my eyes as the clerk accepted our paperwork.
It was done.
We returned to our cars, not a single word spoken to each other in the twenty minutes we were forced to interact.
I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hold him and apologize and tell him how much I missed his friendship. I wanted to go to lunch and talk about everything—about where we went wrong and why I hadn’t been the wife we both thought I would be.
But I didn’t do any of that. I watched him get into his car. He paused and looked at me as if he might say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he slid into the driver’s seat and started his car. I was overcome with the feeling that our trip to the courthouse would be the last time I’d see John.
But before he closed his door, he turned toward me again.
“Can we talk?” I finally said across our cars, realizing that I needed to initiate the conversation. John had never been the initiator of any major conversation ever, so why should I expect that to change now?
He nodded behind his sunglasses, turned off his car, and got out.
He glanced down the block and pointed with his chin toward a restaurant up the street. “Want to grab lunch?”
“I’d love to.”
We walked side by side, no words passing between us, and entered the restaurant. We remained silent until we were seated and had both perused the menu. Once we placed our orders, I finally broke the awkward tension.
“I’m so sorry, John,” I said softly.
His eyes met mine for just a second before he pressed his lips together and looked away. “This sucks.”
“I know.”
“You think life is going to end up one way…” he trailed off.
I nodded. “I wish I could’ve been a better wife to you.”
He didn’t respond, but what was there to say? This was my idea, this chance for conversation, but I realized I had no idea what I actually wanted to say.
He finally took a deep breath. “I have to know how it happened.” Some of the anger he’d felt the night he found out had dissipated in the weeks that had passed. His anger had turned into sadness—with maybe a touch of guilt.
“How what happened?” I asked cautiously.
“With Cole.” He cleared his throat. “What made you…go to him?”
I shrugged, not sure how to put it into words and really not sure I wanted to talk about it with John. But he deserved to have his questions answered. “It was just this pull. I can’t explain it. He had feelings for me and fought them because of you, but then he realized I wasn’t happily married.”
“Why weren’t you happy?”
“Because you were always working. I tried to talk to you about it. I tried to get you to listen to me, to see that we had a problem. I couldn’t get through to you.”
“So it’s my fault?”
I shook my head vigorously. “I accept full responsibility.” We could play the blame game all day, but ultimately I was the one who had stepped outside of our marriage.
“How long were you…did you…?”
I blew out a breath. God, this was hard. “We first kissed in New York, but that was all.”
I heard John’s sharp intake of breath, but I plowed on. He wanted answers, and he deserved them.
“We weren’t actually together until right after Kaylee and Kevin’s accident. He was there for me when I really needed someone, but you were always at the office.”
He nodded and stared down at the table. I let him think that through.
“Are you still with him?”
I shook my head, and he looked surprised. He seemed like he was about to ask more, but he didn’t.
“I miss you,” he finally said.
“I’ve missed you for a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
“We had some good times, though. Didn’t we?”
I smiled. “We had a lot of good times.”
“Remember that trip when we drove to Temecula to pick strawberries?”
I giggled. It was one of my favorite memories. “Select only the firmest, reddest berries,” I said, mimicking our tour guide. It had been a long running joke between the two of us.
He allowed a small smile, the first I’d seen on him since before the night he’d found out about Cole and me.
Our meals arrived, and we both focused on our food for a while. We reminisced, and I felt some of the old warmth I’d always felt for John. I realized as we ate that I’d always love him. Our marriage was over—the paperwork we’d just filed would make sure of that—but the bond that we had through marriage would forever tie our hearts together.
The problem, though, and the reason why our marriage ultimately didn’t work, was that the bonds that tied my heart to Cole’s were far stronger.
We walked back to our cars.
“If there’s anything you need at the apartment…” John trailed off.
I nodded. “Thank you.”
He sighed. “I wish we could go back and I could listen to you when you tried to talk to me. I wish I hadn’t been so wrapped up in work. It’s pretty easy to see now that I put all my focus on the wrong damn thing.”
“It’s always easier to see it after the fact.”
“Ain’t that the damn truth?” He smiled sadly, and we looked at each other for an awkward moment. Was this where we shook hands? Hugged? In the old days, we would’ve kissed goodbye.
Not anymore.
We didn’t touch. Instead, I offered a small wave. “Thanks for lunch.”
He nodded, got into his car, and drove away.
SEVEN MONTHS LATER
“They look gorgeous,” I giggled, holding up my drying nails that had been painted by a currently napping five-year-old.
“Oh, they really do. She’s getting good at polishing,” Kaylee said matter-of-factly.
Kevin walked into the room, glaring at both of us in jest as we laughed loudly. “Shh! Madi’s sleeping! What time is her Christmas recital?” he asked for the tenth time.
“Six o’clock,” we said in unison, and then we both giggled again.
“And when is she moving out?” he asked, jerking his thumb at me.
“Shut up,” I said petulantly.
Kevin was fully healed after a long road of recovery, and they didn’t really
need
me around anymore. They hadn’t really
needed
me around since Kevin had been released from the hospital nearly six months earlier.
I always worried Kevin’s ribbing had some element of truth in it, though Kaylee assured me it didn’t. They loved having me around as much as I loved being with them, but it was time to move out of Santa Clarita and head back to the city that had captured my heart in so many ways.
I’d promised myself I’d assert my independence, yet I was relying on my sister and my niece to help redirect my focus from my brokenness. I was ready to be on my own and to pick up the pieces of the life I’d left behind when I’d walked out the doors of Benson Industries all those months earlier.
“This came for you,” Kevin said, handing me a manila envelope.
Los Angeles Superior Court
was emblazoned in the upper left-hand corner. Kevin went back to work stringing the Christmas tree with lights to surprise Madi when she woke up from her nap.
My first thought as I looked at the return address was that this was going to be my first Christmas without John.
I headed to my bedroom. I needed privacy for this, because I knew what it was the very second I saw the return address.
I tore open the envelope and pulled out the paperwork. I read the words across the top of the first page:
Judgment of Dissolution
.
Tears burned my eyes.
It was final. I was officially divorced. I was part of the awful statistic I’d heard that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.
People say divorce is never easy, but ours had been.
Going to the courthouse and filing the paperwork had been a simple task.
It was the aftermath that was the hard part.
It was the heartbreak leading up to the moment I received that piece of mail that was the most difficult.
I stared at the paperwork as I allowed the memories I’d blocked since the night John had found out about Cole and me to seep back into my mind.
We’d been mostly happy. We’d met at a bar of all places. I’d gone for a night out with friends and ended up finding the man I’d eventually marry.
Dating John had been one adventure after another, and that excitement was why I’d fallen in love with him. When the excitement stopped, so did the love.
I felt the loss of what we’d once had. I missed John—or maybe the idea of John. I mostly missed what we’d had when we’d been dating, back before the marriage that had ended up being just one huge disappointment.
I missed the feeling of sharing a home with someone who was always there for me. Even when it had gotten difficult—and it had, all those long hours John had put in at work—even then, he’d still been my home. And that was gone now, just a distant memory.
But that sadness and that feeling of loss was nothing compared to how much I missed Cole.
I thought about Cole often. Daily. Hourly. Even now, eight months after the last time I’d seen him, he never left my mind for even a moment.
I thought about what he might be doing. I wondered if he’d moved into his beach house. I wondered how he was coping with his new assistant, whoever that might be.
I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since the day I’d left his office with those final words: “I quit.” There had been no communication via text or email, either. I vowed to myself not to stalk his Facebook or his Instagram. It was too hard to see his smiling face, so I didn’t allow myself the opportunity.
I’d gotten a surprise in my final paycheck, though. In addition to the ten grand, he’d also cashed out my vacation time, including the two week bonus he’d given me with the award. He was trying to take care of me in his own way, and I appreciated that. I’d written him a thank you note at the time, telling him how grateful I was for the extra money. I didn’t send it, though. He deserved to move on.
It still broke my heart when I spotted him on
Page Six
with a new blonde bimbo or when I checked the local business section of the paper and saw how he was thriving without me.
I knew better than anyone the smile could be fake, that he could be putting on a front for the public to maintain his professional persona. He could be smiling on the outside to project to everyone that life was perfect.
Those few instances of seeing his image were all I had to go on, though, and just like always, I had trouble reading his true feelings.
I’d forgiven him in our time apart. We’d never labeled what we had as exclusive, and while it had hurt to see him with another woman, he’d been right when he put me in my place in his hotel room. We hadn’t been able to label what we had together because we’d been having an affair. You can’t call someone your boyfriend when you’ve already got a husband.
He was wrong about one thing, though. He’d told me that there were two losers in this—John and him.
But I was the biggest loser of all. I’d managed to kill two important relationships in a matter of a few hours while also leaving my job.
My mind drifted to the email I’d gotten just that morning.
Lincoln Mathers wanted me to move into a full-time position at his office instead of working as an independent consultant from home. I just wasn’t sure how to break the news to Madi. Or Kaylee, for that matter.
I’d gone to lunch with Lincoln and his wife a few times since I’d quit working with Cole. Alexis—Lincoln’s wife—had become a friend, and I brought Madi with me for a playdate with their two kids—a boy Madi’s age and a girl a little younger.
Lincoln’s offer was a totally new position for me. I’d be working with the creative team to develop ideas that would then move to Benson Industries for market research and product development.
I’d enjoyed my work as an executive assistant. It had come with excellent perks, decent hours, pleasant meals, surprising bonuses, and, of course, the chance to work closely with the hottest man I’d ever laid eyes on. Plus it was the type of job where I could work my hours and leave my work at the office.
Being part of a creative team meant longer hours, nights and weekends, and bringing work home.
But I’d always wondered whether there was more out there for me than being someone’s assistant. As much as I loved working with Cole and his father, I had ambitions of my own. Clearly Cole had recognized that in me when he’d started giving me more responsibility.
The more I thought about it, the fewer reasons I could come up with as to why working longer hours would be a bad thing. Throwing myself into a new position would probably be exactly what I needed, but there was the risk of running into Cole. I wasn’t ready to see him again. Maybe I’d never be ready to see him again, especially not if he’d started dating.
I swiped at the tears that had fallen down my cheeks as I folded the divorce paperwork and slid it back into the envelope. I’d file it away, and soon enough it would be nothing but a memory. These were the last tears I’d cry over my broken marriage, but I was sure they weren’t the last tears I’d cry over Cole.
I headed toward the kitchen since it was high time for a glass of wine. Kaylee was in there fiddling with a Santa Claus figurine whose long white beard had seen better days.
“You okay?” my sister asked when I filled the wineglass to the very top.
I nodded.
“What was in the letter Kevin gave you?”
I took a long gulp of wine before I answered. I held my glass up in the air and forced a smile. “It’s official. I’m divorced.”
“Oh, Lucy,” Kaylee said. She touched my arm gently. “Congratulations?”
I pressed my lips into a thin smile. “Yes. It’s time to celebrate. I’m officially single, and it’s time for me to reclaim my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m moving out.”
“No, Auntie Lucy! You can’t!” A sleepy little girl walked into the room and wrapped her arms around my leg. “Walk,” she commanded.
I made a big show of pretending like I couldn’t move my leg, and she giggled like she always did with our little game.
“You don’t have to,” Kaylee said.
I mouthed the word “later” to her and nodded down at Madi. We’d talk later when we weren’t around a five-year-old. But my mind was made up, and if the past year had taught me anything, it was that I was one stubborn bitch. Once I got an idea in my head, there was no swaying me from the course.
“Kevin!” Kaylee yelled.
He appeared in the doorway. “Yes, wife?”
“We’re taking two cars to the recital, okay?”
He shrugged, used to submitting to his wife’s demands. “Okay. Why?”
“Lucy has some celebrating to do, so I’m going to take her out.”
“Kay, you don’t have to do that,” I protested.
She glared at me. “Nonsense. I’m your sister and you need this.” I couldn’t argue with that. She lowered her voice. “Besides, we need to talk.”
I chugged my wine, and then it was time to get ready for the recital.
