Conflicted (Secrets and Lies) (18 page)
After being around Ethan outside of work, I hated admitting Bri was right but she was right. He was trouble for me and it was becoming a bigger problem every day. No matter how hard I told myself that I had to stay away from him, there wasn't a way around it. I knew that almost anyone would evaluate this situation and point out the obvious and that would be quitting. I saw Bri bite her tongue daily on that one. Call it stubbornness, call it stupidity, call it whatever the hell you wanted but that wasn't an option for me.
I kept giving myself that mental pep talk while lounging around Monday morning in sweats and a hoodie. Our Indian summer was starting to slip away with only a few more real warm days left. This morning I bundled up as the temperature had dropped lower than expected and the chill ran throughout the house. I was up early but that was nothing new. I figured a cup of coffee before getting ready for work would be a good start to the day along with the crossword. If time allowed, I'd go for a run to extinguish the extra energy. It would help me push Ethan out of my head. I hopped along the icy floor clutching my phone. I turned to go down the set of stairs leading to the kitchen but stopped dead in my tracks.
Micah.
It had been almost a year but there he was in the flesh. He was in his faded jeans that I used to love on him. He had a V-neck T-shirt on that clung to his muscles. His olive skin appeared darker than it was the last time I saw him. His sandy blonde hair was longer and under a backwards baseball cap. His chiseled face had stubble giving him that five o'clock shadow appearance. I refrained from looking into his midnight blue eyes. Micah seemed the same in many ways but so very different in others. Everything inside of me crumbled with the pain that started to spread throughout me.
I moved closer to the wall to keep myself from falling over. One hand flew to my mouth to prevent myself from screaming or crying. My heart took off along with my head as it spun like a top with emotions pouring out through every turn. My poor brain was already on empty and now it had to process a whirlwind of emotions. I desperately tried to catalogue each one as they passed through my head and heart in a vain attempt to pick one to settle on - shock, anger, sadness, loneliness, hatred, anguish, love, and finally rage.
I stood there staring at him for what felt like hours. Regaining my composure, I readjusted my direction and flew past him. I glanced over to him and motioned to the front door using extra effort not to look at him too closely. The last thing I needed was to look into his eyes and feel even more. Micah held up his hands asking for just five minutes.
"Get out!" I seethed.
"Mia, we have to talk. You have to hear me out," he pleaded.
Is he serious? He can't be. After all this time, he thinks a simple chat is going to make any difference to me whatsoever.
I let out a long breath. Once I was slightly calmer, I pointed to the door again. He remained frozen on the couch shaking his head. "Micah, so help me God, I'll grab you by the balls and drag you out of here if you don't leave right now," I snarled.
The fragile hold I had on myself was slipping away by the second. My veins were on fire as the blood boiled throughout them.
"No, we need to talk. There are things that you need to know," Micah reasoned.
I stared at the ceiling praying that God would help me with some divine intervention or else I was going to end up doing bodily damage. I was currently in a state of mind that only saw violence as means of resolution. God didn't disappoint. An epiphany washed over me on how to get away from him. If I could just get to my car, I could be rid of him. My keys and shoes were upstairs but that I could work around. I had shoes in my car and could hot-wire the damn thing to get the hell out of here.
"Fine but you're not welcome in my home. If you want to talk to me, you're going to do it on the porch," I said, narrowing my eyes.
Micah stared at me trying to discern if I was serious. I raised my eyebrows and tossed my hands to the side.
"I just want you to take five minutes to hear me out," he reiterated.
I waited until he was outside. With his back to me, I pulled the front door shut and sprinted towards my car. I reached it but heard him approach. I quickly pulled my door open but it slammed shut. I whipped around making the mistake of looking him square in the eyes.
As we stared at each other, more emotions coursed through me. A degree of happiness surfaced in me. Micah could look into my eyes and see how much heartbreak he had caused me. He could see the hatred that now replaced any love I ever had for him. I saw the deep blue that I had loved but I saw pain and heartbreak in his eyes that matched my own.
Fuck! I don't want to see that from him.
Frustrated beyond reason, I threw my hands in the air hastily moving out of his reach. The wet dew of the grass coupled with the cold breeze of the morning had me shaking. I reached the front my car and pulled up my hood before clutching my arms around myself for warmth. Micah took a cautious step towards me but I shook my head. He stopped bracing his hands around his neck. He squinted at me with a longing in his eyes.
"Mia, I just want to talk to you. Did you read my letter? I came here to explain things to you," he pleaded.
"Explain! Explain what, Micah!" I shouted.
He attempted another step to close the gap but I held up my hands up. Micah hesitated at first but then stepped back crossing his arms. His eyes met mine trying to find any access to the tender side of me. My eyes darted to the ground in response.
"I don't think that there are enough words in the English language that could help you explain anything that I'm going to be able rationalize about last year. I read your letter but stopped half way through because it made me sick to continue reading how much you love me."
Micah started to open his mouth but I silenced him with a finger.
"It's beyond too late for your side of the story. You
left
me. You just took off that night not to be seen or heard from in nearly a year," I yelled as the first tears broke free.
The last thing I wanted was to cry. His eyes saddened and he tried moving again.
"No, don't you fucking come near me!" I screamed.
I held myself even tighter as my shaking amplified with the rising levels of anger that charged through me. Micah flinched and his eyes glistened as he watched me.
"You have done enough damage to me. I really want you to go now. I don't want to hear anything you have to say because it's never going to make a difference to me!"
"I still love you, Mia. I never stopped loving you," Micah said quietly.
Love me. Is he serious? I just might go insane if he tells me he loves me again.
I scoffed. "You do not love me. Quite frankly, I'm not sure you ever did."
"You know I did. I'll always love you," he insisted.
He's trying to make me go crazy. It's the only explanation.
Micah started to move forcing me to keep taking steps away from him. I was practically in the neighbors yard at this point. His face fell as I continued to keep the distance.
"If that is what you call love, then I want no part of it," I cried.
Micah stared at me with the audacity to seem surprised. My face flushed as my temper hit its boiling point.
"What we had wasn't love. You don't abandon people that you love. You certainly don't destroy people that you love. And you've accomplished both with me!" I yelled.
Micah gritted his teeth as his temper rose. "If you would just let me explain instead of cutting me off or running away every five seconds."
"YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART AND DESTROYED ME ALL IN ONE NIGHT. WHO DOES THAT? I MEAN IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT YOU BROKE MY HEART BUT YOU HAD TO DESTROY MY FUTURE AS WELL. DESTROY MY LIFE! WHO DOES THAT? THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF YOU LEFT WITH NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER. YOU LEFT ME WITH NOTHING!"
Huh. So this is what insanity feels like.
The tears started streaming down my face. I started to shake even harder than when we came outside. I broke my gaze from him to stare at the ground. I took a deep breath to calm down. After a moment, I refocused my eyes to Micah to find him enraged with me.
Seriously! He's angry with me for pointing out the obvious. You've got to be kidding me!
"I've moved on. It's over between us. I don't want you around here or me."
His face became hard with his eyes resolute. "You can't make me stay away. I have friends that live here too."
"Yes, I can. If you think for a second that anyone here is going to let you come around me, then you're sorely mistaken. A lot has changed. The people you think are your friends want nothing to do with you," I retorted, rolling my eyes.
Micah shook his head letting his mouth slip into a smug smirk. "Whatever. You're being over dramatic as usual. Some things never change," he hollered.
Motherfucker. Over dramatic. I'll give him over dramatic.
I heard movement towards the house. I paused looking over my shoulder to see Bri and Trey standing on the porch. I forgot Trey's room was right above where I had just been screaming at the top of my lungs. I glanced around to ensure that a bigger audience wasn't behind me. The last thing I needed was to have the neighbors watching as well wondering why I was carrying on like a crazy person.
I gazed over at Bri and it surprised me. Her face was full of rage. It brought a new meaning behind the phrase if looks could kill. I glanced at Trey and he stunned me too. Trey stood with his fists curled and hardness in his eyes directed at Micah. I gave Micah my attention again. He stood cockily trying to goad me into fighting with him some more.
"Leave or I'll go get someone to make you leave since you can't take a hint," I snapped.
"No, I think I'll stick around and catch up with people," he said icily.
That was all it took for Bri to become unhinged. She went after him swinging her arms repeatedly hitting him on the chest. Micah didn't budge an inch at her assault.
"You fucking bastard. Why can't you just leave? Haven't you done enough to her? Just fucking leave already!" Bri screamed.
Trey was on her heels to drag her away. He let her get a few good swings in but then started to pull her arms behind her. Trey tugged her into him and kissed her head to cool her down. He looked over at me and then down again at Bri. I knew my face held nothing but defeat. I was on empty and about to lose it if I had to endure Micah any longer. Bri shook with fury so it was easy to determine where her thoughts lie. Trey turned to Micah looking him straight in the eye.
"You need to go. You're not welcome here," Trey said quietly.
Micah's jaw dropped as he stared at Trey in disbelief. Those two had been best friends since they were able to walk so his reaction didn't surprise me. I prayed he listened to Trey and got in his car before this did come to physical blows.
"We were boys...you and me...and you're just going to toss me out to stand on the same side of the girl you're fucking," Micah spouted off.
Shit. He knows better than to antagonize Trey. Fucking idiot.
Trey swiftly moved Bri to the side and swung at Micah all in one maneuver. He prepared for the first blow and blocked it but Trey was the bigger more experienced fighter between the two of them. He took several more swings and knocked Micah on his back within minutes. Trey got a few more blows to his head and sides before getting up. Trey pulled Micah off the ground and shoved him towards his Mustang.
"That's my girlfriend you asshole. You would know that if you had stuck around. You never fucking deserved Mia and what you did to her is unforgivable to all of us. Now for the last time, get the fuck out of here," Trey bellowed.
Micah started spitting out the blood that had pooled in his mouth. He glanced at me before opening his door. The fire in his eyes made me gaze away. I knew that look. He'd be as relentless with this as he had been with every other thing I watched him pursue over the years.
"This isn't over Mia. I'll find a way to make you hear me out," he assured.
I flipped him the bird as he started his car. He tore out into the street leaving a cloud of dust behind him. I walked past Bri and Trey taking a seat on the front steps. My arms wrapped around my knees as my eyes closed. I was physically and mentally exhausted. As Trey walked up the stairs, he placed a hand on my shoulder. He gave it a squeeze before going into the house. Bri shuffled down next to me and leaned her head against my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" she inquired.
I picked up my head and wiped away the lingering tears. I turned towards Bri seeing the same concern that I saw the day after Micah disappeared on us.
"I'd be lying if I said I was fine but the truth is that I'll live. It sucked that he showed up out of the blue but I'm happy with the outcome," I whispered.
"You are?" she asked, shocked.
"Yea, I am. I stood my ground. I got him to leave...well Trey did anyway," I admitted.
"Umm..." she murmured as her eyes skirted to the ground.
"Spill it Bri. You have your 'I want to ask but I don't want to because you think I'll bite your head off face on'."
She shifted her focus from the ground to me. "Are you ever going to hear him out? I mean...don't you think it might help ease the pain. It's clear you're still in an unbearable amount of it. I'm a little angry at myself for not seeing how much until today."
Bri did her best to prevent the sadness on her face but it was there anyway. Her eyes glistened as she held back the tears. I knew where her thoughts were immediately. The sorrow in her voice made my guilt deepen. Micah had caused more damage to my world than he could've possibly imagined last year. I was barely able to look at her as the grief at what had happened that night did to her. It started to blend in with every other raw emotion in me. She had a horrible memory of me because of Micah's actions. She saw a side of me that I could never erase from her mind. I knew that she never thought less of me but it was hard to have that between us. The entire ordeal brought us closer but it was at a steep price. She needed me to be honest with her about everything I bottled up. She nervously bit at her manicured nails.
