Conflicted (Secrets and Lies) (19 page)

"Bri, every day that I wake up, it still hurts. There are days when it hurts more than the others do but I'm learning to live with it. I think that is part of the healing process. I had an outburst today but I didn't break into a million pieces. I'm not breaking anymore and that is what matters the most to me."

The tears she was holding back started to stream down her cheeks. I took her chin shaking my head. She sniffed forcing a small smile while swiping away the tears.

"If I let him back into my head, he'll make me second-guess everything. Not giving him a chance to explain is better for me at least for now. If he really is back for good, I'll get that closure with him but it was never going to happen when we first saw each other again."

Bri stared blankly then seemed to understand. After a few minutes, I stood up to head into the house. I looked at her as she stared aimlessly across the yard.

"How much of the show did you catch?" I asked.

My lips curled into a silly grin as I gestured out to where we were standing on the lawn. She burst out laughing following me into the house.

"We caught almost all of it after you ran out the door. We could tell he wasn't going to leave. We knew you were hitting a breaking point especially when you started screaming at the top of your lungs," Bri replied as we walked through the hallway and into the kitchen.

I stopped at the fridge to dig stuff out so we could make some breakfast. Bri grabbed the toaster and tossed some bread down. I handed her the eggs and started pulling apart pieces of the bacon placing it in a pan. The sizzle of the eggs and bacon brought some needed noise to our very quiet presence. I nudged her shoulder dying to know about one thing.

"So you're his girlfriend now," I commented, moving the bacon around the pan.

Bri rolled her eyes as a soft smile spread across her face. "It's the first time he's ever referenced me that way. He did it in a fit of rage so I'm not sure if it counts."

Bri tried to be as aloof but it was clear that she was beyond happy to hear him finally say it.

"It counts. If you think for a minute that he hit Micah to get him to leave me alone, you're dead wrong. Trey punched Micah because he disrespected you," I reassured.

She fished plates out of the cabinets near her head. I laughed at her unbelieving expression.

"How can you be so sure?" Bri asked.

"It's kind of like at my surprise party. Those assholes disrespected me. I didn't care but Trey handles situations like that differently. He doesn't do well with anyone insulting someone he cares about. It takes a lot for him to lose his temper but disrespecting his loved ones is like his anger trigger zone. He'll flip out every time," I explained.

Bri stood in a daze before flipping the eggs. Her eyes filled with happiness when it sunk in that he loved her. I shut of the burner and tossed the bacon on a plate. She did the same with the eggs. We grabbed our breakfast and put it on the island with a pitcher of orange juice.

"It was kind of sweet to watch and a refreshing change of pace from the train wreck I was starring in," I remarked.

"I think I'll savor the moment before I bring it up to him," Bri concluded.

After we dished up our plates, I stared at my food for a few minutes before grabbing my fork. My extra time before work vanished so I needed to start hustling. I wasn't sure how long Bri had been watching me but she cleared her throat to get my attention.

Might as well just let her get whatever she needs to out. It's not like this morning could get any worse.

"What is it Bri?" I asked, rotating to face her.

"Mia, why didn't you want him to touch you?" she inquired, playing with her food.

I stared at the island. Bri was watching me with her expression thoughtful yet curious. I cracked my knuckles and focused on her.

"I didn't want him to touch me because his touch has always set my body off in one direction or another. I was rarely loved as a child so when I started feeling something with him it was more intense than what most people probably experience. You have to understand that Chase
never
hugged me. I got hugs from Micah's mom and Trey's mom but it was different."

Her eyes saddened. Bri knew that our lives were diverse but I had never shared this part of that difference. I took a deep breath to continue with this unpleasant admission.

"As we got older, Micah would brush against me and an instant calm rushed over my body. As time went on, the calming effect made me feel safe and I'd never really had that until him."

Her expression fell even further. I looked away for a moment before continuing.

"When Micah and I started dating, I experienced what it was like to be loved. As that all happened, the effect that his touch had on me changed. When I fell in love with him, his touch ignited my body," I confessed.

Bri had foregone eating. She was holding her head as she listened intently like I was telling her a bedtime story. I smiled wrapping it up.

"I didn't want to him to touch me because I don't want to know if that feeling is still there. He hurt me so badly that I can't chance feeling anything safe or burning inside me from him. I need that tie to be severed. Does that make sense?" I asked.

"It does. I knew how in love you were with him but I didn't know his touch affected you that much," Bri admitted.

In the back of my mind, I wondered what giving into Ethan would do to me. It would probably wipe away any affect Micah had over me.

I curse the stupid universe for taunting me with that man.

She picked up her fork to take a bite then stopped to turn towards me with another question lingering in her eyes. I rolled mine but decided to let her get out whatever she was mulling over.

"Bri, I'm going to be late. What now?" I whined.

She placed her fork back on her plate and tapped her fingers along the island. "I'm sorry Mia but I have to ask because I've been around you and Ethan firsthand. I can see what his presence does to you. You're very dismissive about it but I can tell that there's something very intense between the two of you. I can't tell if it's lust or if you really are that connected to one another. If Micah's touch did that to you, what's going to happen when Ethan crosses that threshold with you?"

I blushed fiercely. Our mind meld moments were nice but at the moment it was a nuisance.

"What Ethan does to me without touching me, I still haven't figured out. It's much stronger than anything I had with Micah. I try my best to avoid any physical contact with him. I won't quit but I'll admit that it's become difficult to resist. My plan is to keep my distance from him."

Bri arched an eyebrow and let out a heavy sigh. "You were right that first day Mia. The universe has a fucked up sense of humor to bring someone like Ethan into your life. Please try not to do anything stupid with him. Something tells me that only more heartbreak will lie ahead if anything happens there."

I can't argue with her there. Giving into Ethan might as well be my own self-destruct button. The problem is that my will to prevent myself from hitting it is growing weaker as each day passes and that scares the shit out of me.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I broke every speed limit posted just to get to work on time. It embarrassed me when my wheels squealed to a halt in the parking lot causing several people to stop and stare. Grabbing my stuff, I ran in and out of people taking their sweet ass time. I slid into my desk with a minute to spare. I did my best to remain focused on the tasks assigned to me. As hard as I tried, my disastrous start to the day affected my mood anyway. I was short tempered and flighty most of the morning. On more than one occasion, Connor snapped his fingers at me to get me to pay attention. After a few mortifying rounds of that happening, I was able to focus on the campaign that we would be proposing soon.

My thoughts ran all over the place when Connor dismissed everyone for a lunch break. I went to the cafeteria to buy something to eat at my desk. I kept my ears open for anything that might help Harrison so this charade could end but it was a half-hearted attempt.

On my way out of the cafeteria, a flash of fire spread throughout me. Ethan was staring at me as he leaned against the wall in the hallway. As I got closer, the draw to him grew stronger. This unexplainable vibe between us was the last thing that I needed to deal with today. I was already hanging on by a thread. I gave him a thin smile and continued towards the elevators to get upstairs. Ethan fell in stride with me. I sighed knowing that he was eager to question me. It was all over his face.

"Mia, a minute," he commanded, stopping short of the elevators.

"Yes, Ethan," I answered with my temper slipping into my tone.

He bristled. "I ran into Connor in the elevator. He mentioned it had been a long morning and that there might be something bothering you."

"I'm fine."

Ethan crossed his arms not buying my dismissal. I wanted to roll my eyes but refrained.

"Why is your manager worried that you might become a liability?"

"I had a bad morning. I can assure you that it won't happen again," I snapped.

Sheesh. I need to lock it up.

Ethan narrowed his eyes not caring for that tone either. We stood staring at each other for several minutes. My chest compressed but I wasn't sure if it was the weight of the morning or the mystery in his eyes that pulled at every part of me to lean into him.

"I was just asking," he pointed out.

"I'm sorry. I have no intentions of being a liability," I replied, feeling defeated.

"So you're not going to share what is bothering you," Ethan pressed.

"Do I have to?" I asked with a heavy sigh.

"No, you don't have to. I was hoping that you would but your personal life is your business. It only becomes my business when you fall short around here. You've assured me that it won't happen again so I'll let it go...for now."

"I'm going to head back upstairs then to get some work done."

"By all means, don't let me stop you."

Ethan was beyond angry with me. It stretched across every part of his face. My stomach became unsettled and I shook my arms to rid the tingling that increased every minute of that brief interaction. I hit the stairwell begging my mind to purge him out of system with every step. It wasn't doing a very good job because my heart sunk with the knowledge that I pissed off Ethan. I shoved that all to the wayside and opened the door to the third floor to get back to work.

The second half of day I did my best to wipe away my behavior from the morning. Connor and the team sensed the shift and we made significant advancements on our upcoming proposal. As we wrapped for the day, I gathered my things to head from our meeting back to my desk. I groaned coming around the corner to see Ethan in my chair with his legs on my desk as he took in the floor.

Fuck. What now?

I strode to my desk to deposit the binders in my hands. He was more than cocky in his demeanor as I neared the desk. For once, my body steadied itself with the rage that had been lingering in my system since this morning.

"Ethan," I said, faking a smile.

"Mia," he replied, swinging his legs down.

"Did you need something before I head out for the day?"

"Nope, I happened to be on this floor hearing a proposal from another team. Your desk allows me to have a good peripheral of the entire floor. I like to make sure that my employees are doing what they are being paid to do here," Ethan emphasized.

The acidic tone he used sent shivers up my spine. He was here to remind me that my outburst with him earlier was far from acceptable. This was his way of warning me not to let it happen again. I had no words in response so we sat in awkward silence. Ethan cleared his throat to get me to look at him. His eyes had an edge to them. The pit in my stomach surfaced while the rest of my body chilled the ire travelling throughout it.

"I can assume that you had a better afternoon."

His condescending expression was enough to re-fire my anger. This was a bad day for the record books. My body refused to stick with one emotion. Half of me wanted to lash out in anger at him and the other half was ready to give in to my heady yearning for him.

"Yes, it was much better."

"Good. I think I've seen enough of this floor. I'll let you finish up your day."

Before leaving, Ethan gazed at me with a smug grin. I looked away not needing anything else to fuck with my head.

~

When I got home, I avoided everyone by heading straight for my room. Not one of them tried to stop me either. I laid down with no intentions of sleeping but it happened anyway. I woke up during the middle of the night and shimmied out of bed to turn on the lamp. Light flooded the room and I rummaged around in my laundry basket for a pair of clean pajamas.

After changing clothes, I grabbed my purse to find my phone to set an alarm. After my attitude with Ethan, he'd be paying extra attention to me. Cutting it close for a second day in a row wasn't an option. While setting my alarm, I noticed some new text messages. I gasped because there were ten new messages from an unknown number. Curious, I opened the first one.

Mia you can push me away all you like but you know we need to talk!

I groaned. If my brain wasn't still waking up, I would've been able to put together that new messages from an unrecognizable number would be Micah.

I can't believe you wouldn't even give me a chance to explain. You say you don't owe me that but you do. I'll always be a part of your life.

I shoved the crap on my desk to the side and situated myself on it. I rested my head against the wall to finish reading the rest of his messages.

You have no idea what this has done to me Mia. It's killed me to be away from you, my friends, and my family but I left for you.

I squeezed my knees as the anger flowed through me but carried on to the next one.

I had no choice but to leave to find out more. Do you really believe I wanted to destroy you? I think you know me better than that. Please let me explain!