Conklin's Blueprints (2 page)

Connor Prince was every parent’s dream for their daughter to marry.  He was studious and quiet; and would give his heart willingly.  His hair was very short and blonde and always styled perfectly with gel.  He had bright blue eyes and a smirk plastered on his face.  He was tall, medium built, and had an angelic baby face.  He was meticulous about his appearance.  “You never know who you are going to run into,” he would constantly say. 

We met in our History of Architecture class in my second year.  I was running late and crept in, not realizing he was sitting in the seat next to me.  We always sat in the same area and slowly got to know one another throughout the class.  I never thought he would go for me.  I had my own self-esteem issues and always thought guys saw me as friend material and that I was never pretty or skinny enough for any of them.  But his appearance didn’t intimidate me as much once I got to know him.  Eventually he asked me to study one night, and then the rest was history.

We were best friends, and he was my first love.  I would have done everything for him.  My parents loved him and would always talk about us getting married and having kids.  He would give me his precious smirk and say, “Only if she says yes.”  My parents devoured this.  Jamie liked him, although she thought he was a bit boring sometimes and that I should find someone who could bring more passion to the game, but she knew I loved him.   Everyone was ecstatic and thought we were a good match.

Everyone, - except for Ashlynn.  She had a funny way of showing it too.  She would make very subtle comments to me.  “You don’t think he is just after you for your Dad’s money do you?” or “Wow, I guess I never thought you would be the type he would be into, lucky you,” and the most hurtful one was, “You better hit the gym to hold his interest.”

So I had 30 pounds I could lose, emphasis on had.  I lost the weight after Ashlynn took him from right under my nose.

At the beginning of our final year in college, the air got weird between Connor and me.  We didn’t talk as much, and we weren’t as intimate as we had used to be.  I took it as he was finally starting to see me for how I saw me--an awkward duck that had stubborn hair and some baby fat.  I was no size two, and Ashlynn constantly reminded me of it.  Some nights I would cry about my insecurities.  Connor would always tell me he loved me, but when he stopped focusing so much on my body during sex, it felt like it was being done just for his release.

Then the week before first semester finals I found out why he had felt so distant.  I came home directly from my morning classes because my afternoon class had been cancelled due to the professor going out of town, which really sucked because we were going to review our semester’s studies for finals.  I told Ashlynn about this the prior week because I was pissed the prof wouldn’t be providing a review for one of the most important classes of my degree.  I remember her eyes widening and then her voice purring and saying, “You should just go to the library and study instead of class.”  I hummed and hawed at her thought, but never said I was going to.

You know when you get that feeling that something just isn’t right?  Well, that feeling made me walk right past the library and to our apartment.  And there they were, in
my
bed.  I saw Ashlynn’s long blonde hair against her naked back with her head tipped back straddling someone.  I recognized the tattoo on his ankle.  It was Connor.  I was speechless and couldn’t move.  My feet felt like they were stuck in concrete.  I just stared at my childhood friend riding my boyfriend, the man I was going to marry and have a family with.  As Connor slowly sat up and went to kiss her neck, he opened his eyes and gasped, pushing Ashlynn to the side and stuttered my name, “Bec-Becca…” It almost sounded like a plea.  Suddenly my legs were no longer in concrete but felt like they were in sand.  I back peddled to the front door unable to move fast enough or take my wet eyes off of Connor.  Ashlynn’s face slowly turned and a hint of a smile crept to her lips.  Then I saw her fake shocked look that I knew too well.  She wanted this to happen.  She knew I would come home and find them.  She always wanted Connor because I had him, and she always had to have what was mine. 

I remember sinking to the old wood chips on the side of our apartment complex, not being able to breathe.  Feeling my heart break was the worst pain I had ever felt, and I was sure that nothing would ever compete with its torture.

Jamie was furious.  She wanted to throw Ashlynn’s things on the side of the road and change the locks. “Who the fuck does that bitch think she is?  I told you she was never your friend, Becca!  Friends don’t do that to each other!  And in your bed, really?  She needs to get the fuck out of our place!” She didn’t understand my somberness towards the situation.  I had cried, been broken, and was finally given the explanation I had always thought: he was never going to love me because I wasn’t as pretty as Ashlynn, because I wasn’t as thin or as elegant as her.

Connor called me over and over, wanting to apologize and talk about it.  I knew he felt bad and guilty, but I could never handle highly emotional situations.  I couldn’t stand seeing the pain in people’s eyes; nor could I bear to show my own pain to them.  When I finally felt strong enough, I answered my phone and told him to not worry about it; and that I understood we weren’t meant for each other.  He was nervous and anxious and didn’t seem to believe me, but agreed we were done.

Ashlynn knew I wouldn’t be able to completely cut her out.  She had taken advantage of my forgiveness many times.  She knew she had power over me ever since we were little kids.  I couldn’t swallow the thought of my best friend taking my boyfriend deliberately. 

I somehow convinced Jamie that Ashlynn didn’t need to leave.  School would be over soon, and I could cut her off completely then. It wouldn’t have been so awful living with her if Ashlynn and Connor hadn’t started dating officially.  Ashlynn threw it all in my face too.  She would always tell me when they were going out together and how she would be staying at his house.  Whenever she came home from a night with him, she would brag about how wonderful her night was and how her life couldn’t be any more perfect.  It took all of Jamie’s patience to not deck her by the end of the semester. I simply tried to focus on school work; and tried to avoid Ashlynn as much as possible.  The only good part of the horribly fucked up situation was Connor refused to come over to our place.  Probably because Jamie would “rip his dick off and shove it down his throat.”  Her sneer at him made me smile for the first time in weeks.

Once Ashlynn moved out to go start her adult life with Connor, Jamie convinced me to start having fun with her.  The night before our graduation Jamie yanked me off the couch and said, “You’re not doing this to yourself anymore.  We are going to take a break from the real world and party our asses off.  We are going to be the hottest chicks in this town and run this city, and I don’t give a shit if you think this is possible or not because I am so sick of you being controlled by that monster in your head that says you aren’t good enough for anyone or anything.” Her endearment broke my streak, and I decided it was time to stop sulking and finally go into a “not giving a fuck” stage. 

My family was not happy with my decision to stay in Florida.  I got every speech from, “You’re not being responsible,” to “It’s time to grow up,” to “I’m sorry Connor hurt you, but this isn’t how to handle it,” and the best one, “Your father can get you any job you want if you come back to Grand Rapids.”

I hated the last one the most.  I hated the fact that because of my last name I could snap my fingers in Grand Rapids and get whatever I wanted.  Well I wanted my own life, not one that would be controlled by my name.

So Jamie and I got an apartment downtown by all the clubs.  We both got jobs at the local gym; and worked our asses off for two hours every day; then went out at night.   My body got slimmer, and I turned into someone I didn’t know.  I wasn’t afraid to approach a guy at a bar.  Granted, I had to have a few drinks in me at first, but they no longer intimidated me.  Soon the guys started to come on to me.  It didn’t take long either.  Jamie kept telling me I was a sex goddess who just needed to come out of her shell and live a little.

Then I did something awful and brought a guy home.  I didn’t even know his name.  I remember I woke up and he was putting his clothes back on.  He turned to me and said, “Thanks for a great evening,” and left.  I felt so guilty and sheepish.  Jamie came in and sat on my bed.

“Well he was a looker.  Nice grab last night.”

“Jamie I feel awful; he totally used me.”

“Becca, you used him too.” She said with a major DUH sound.

Then it hit me like a stone from a slingshot.  No one would ever use me again because I would use them.

So that was our life for a year: work, workout, go to the club, get drunk, and get laid.  A bit much like a man’s life, but it seemed to numb my pain and cure my insecurities about myself.  Those men saw something in me that was attractive.  So attractive that they would hold me and squeeze me and tell me everything I wanted to hear to get me to say yes to them.  So what if it was just for the night?  I didn’t want another Connor, another person to leave me for my best friend or another girl who was prettier and had more to bring to the table than me.

Our madness stopped when a guy I brought home was a little too persistent.  He was very rough and knew exactly what he wanted.  I wasn’t feeling it and tried to subtly stop him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Thank God Jamie had brought home his friend who heard me yelling and came in and yanked him off of me.  He spat, “Not fucking again you dick!” and apologetically looked at Jamie and dragged him out of our apartment.

After a night of crying in Jamie’s arms, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to stop numbing my struggles with the lifestyle we created and start my life.  Jamie agreed, a bit reluctantly at first, but she knew I needed it and that, in the long run, it would be best for her as well.

The next two weeks I filled out every application I could find to anywhere.  The best opportunity I had was to my horror, Grand Rapids, Michigan, my lovely hometown where my family would devour my attention.  But I had to take it before I spiraled out of control again.  Jamie miraculously found a job the very same day in Grand Rapids.  We decided it was fate and would get an apartment together in the city.  I tried to push out the thought of my father having any part to do with it, but they had no idea I was applying for jobs, so I figured I had done it on my own.

So here I sit waiting for my flight to take me in hopes to a new beginning instead of reliving a past.  I had changed so much from when I lived at home with my parents to going away to college.  I didn’t want to return to the sad little girl with no self-esteem and no faith in her capabilities.  But I didn’t want to be the girl who succumbed to a boyfriend like I did in college, and I dreaded being the careless “I just don’t give a fuck” girl I was in my first year out of school.  I needed to become part of all three and not just one.

~

I waited in the pickup area at the airport.  My mother insisted that Roger, her driver/butler, would come pick me up and take me to my new apartment.  I normally would refuse this, but I loved Roger.  He was the only person who kept me sane in my parents’ house.  He was like the grandfather I never had.   He was always formal and polite but knew exactly what to say when I had been put down by my family. 

I jumped up to hug him as he came out to open the door to the black Lincoln Navigator.  His face turned red, and he hugged me awkwardly.  He was never comfortable when I would hug him.  He never wanted to look like he was crossing a line with his employer.  But I didn’t care, I loved him, and he would always have to put up with it from me.

“How was your flight Miss Stine?” He asked formally, as he started to pull out of the parking space.

“It was alright; a little bumpy in the middle, but we made good time.” I shrugged.

He smiled at me through the rear view mirror. “Well we will arrive at your new condo in about 20 minutes.  The movers should be near finished.  Mrs. Stine insisted they unpack all of your belongings apart from your bedroom and bathroom boxes.”

This infuriated me.  I didn’t need someone to unload my things.  Thank God she told them to back away from my personal belongings.  I would hate the thought of someone pulling out my lacy undergarments.

“She still doesn’t know when she is overbearing, does she?” I grumbled.  I saw Roger smirk in the mirror.  He knew my mother was crazy over protective and controlling.  He had to endure listening to her comments about my siblings and me.  I normally got the negative comments, whether they would be about my weight or my drive.  She never straight out said I was fat, it was always just little comments like, “You look a little heavier in this picture,” or “Don’t worry honey, most of the girls in your grade are just really skinny.”  What kid wouldn’t think of this as being called fat?  The worst was, “You will slim down once you hit middle school, don’t worry.”  I don’t think I had ever expressed to her that I was worried; she was the one who had to have the perfect child.

All in all, my mother did love me and wanted the best for me.  She just had a roundabout way of showing it.

We arrived at the River House Condos in the timely matter that Roger predicted.  It was at least 30 stories high, and my father had insisted on gifting me my first year’s rent.  Little did I know he actually had purchased a two bedroom, two bathroom lofty condo versus one of the apartments. 

I grabbed my bag before Roger could get to it and made my way to the entrance.  Roger followed me to make sure I made it to the 28
^th
floor and wanted to be sure I felt comfortable.

“Can I help you with anything, Becca?” He said with his hands held behind his back.

I searched the large condo and sighed.  This was too much.  I wanted to do this on my own, but my parents were already controlling the situation.  As soon as I was settled into my job, I would sell the condo and find something on my own.