Conquered: She Who Dares Book Two (23 page)

He laughs. “Don’t worry. I didn’t whisk you away for a romp in a supply cupboard.”

I have no doubt that’s exactly what he wants. After all, I do seem to spread my legs for him at every available opportunity. Yeah, like I said, weak.

“Lilly.” I don’t look at him. I study a spot on the floor.

“What do you want?” I ask.

“I want you to look at me.” I lift my eyes and look at him. He takes a step forward and I back up quickly.

He frowns. “Why are you scared of me? Has someone hurt you?” His voice is low, but deadly.

“No.” I stammer. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

He reaches out to touch me and I recoil as if his hand is on fire. If he touches me it’s over and he’ll just use me again.

“Please don’t touch me.”

“Why not? I’d never hurt you, you know that.” I laugh. I laugh so hard it hurts my stomach. “Lilly?” He looks at me like I’ve lost it. Maybe I have.

“You’d never hurt me.” I repeat. “That’s funny.” I turn around and grab the door handle trying to escape before I can blurt anything else. His fingers grasp the tops of my arms and pin them to my sides. His body presses against my back. A tear of frustration runs down my face because I like it. I like his touch. I like his body pressed against mine. He has caused me nothing but pain. He’s hurt me and he’s used me, and yet I can’t find the strength to hate him. I lean my forehead against the door as my body shakes with frustration and anger.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

“Please let me go.” I say quietly. If I raise my voice I know it will tremble and I can’t let him see how weak he makes me.

He spins me to face him. I slam my eyes shut. I can’t look at him. “Talk to me Lilly.” His voice is soft and careful. I say nothing.

“Maybe I should just fuck you. Sometimes I think the only time you’re really with me is when I’m inside of you.” I swallow hard. “So tell me, are you going to talk to me like a friend, or am I going to have to fuck you?”

“Neither.” I try to escape his hold. He tightens his grip. He winds his fingers through my hair and runs his nose up my throat, inhaling my scent. Oh god, it’s like my skin is on fire. I tremble. Fuck. Every time. I’m like a crack whore just waiting for him to give me my next fix. His tongue flicks across my pulse line. I spin out of his grip and stagger away from him. My chest heaves as I try to catch my breath. My body is rigid tense.

“Just stop. You want me to talk? Fine. I want to hate you. I want to forget you ever existed. I want to be able to walk into that room and pick up a guy.” He clenches his jaw, the muscles ticking slightly. “I want to be over you so much, but I can’t, and that makes me hate myself. And it hurts, so much being near you. I can’t bare your touch because it just makes the pain worse.” Why am I even telling him this? Oh right, to keep him from touching me. Jesus, I’m a mess. The fact is, I’m consumed by a crippling loneliness that I try desperately to hide. There are some holes that can’t be filled. I want so badly to just give in to it. I miss him. I don’t even let myself think it usually, but I do. He completed me before he tore me apart. Right now, I’m ready to be torn apart, because my heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t fight. I’ve got nothing left. I’m done riding this emotional rollercoaster.

“I wish I could go back you know. I’d give anything to change it. I miss you as though you are the very air I breathe, Lilly.”

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears that try to break free. I take a deep breath and slide down the closest wall to the floor. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. I feel him sit down next to me. I open my eyes and twist my head to look at him. His full lips are pursed. His arm touches mine and my skin breaks out in goose bumps.

“I miss you. I miss us.” I whisper. There’s no tension between us for once, no animosity. We’re just talking. I’m tired of fighting him. I have my friends, but Theo was my rock. I know it’s crazy how you can only know someone a few months and be so reliant on them. He forced his way into my life, and once I let him in, that was it. I needed him without even realising it. When Cassie got pregnant it cut me deep. It wasn’t even his fault, but it felt like everything fell apart at that moment. I guess I put him on a pedestal and then ran when he fell from it. He was always bound to fall though wasn’t he?

He nods, his expression solemn. “You seem so sad.”

I close my eyes and swallow hard. I nod.

“I hurt you.” He whispers. “I took something good, and I broke it.”

I open my eyes to find him staring straight ahead. His jaw is clenched. “I was broken long before you met me. You fixed me, even if it was just for a little while.” I sigh and turn to face him. I lean my head against the wall as I watch him.

“I broke us. You are not broken Lilly. You’re perfect.” He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck and leans forward to kiss my forehead. “I wish you could see what I see.” This is what he does for me, he holds me together. He makes me feel whole, normal, unbroken. I lean my head on his shoulder. Just a minute. I’ll just stay here a minute, get my fix. He presses his palm to my cheek, holding me in place. I breathe in his scent and revel in his warmth. His presence is like a fire to my cold soul. He fills the void within me. Being near him is comforting and safe in a way that I feel with no other. Just one more minute, I tell myself.

Chapter Seventeen

Theo

This is the first time we’ve really talked in nearly two months. She always seems so strong and implacable, that I never really know what’s going on in that head of hers. This small moment of weakness feels like something rare and precious. I hold her tight, never wanting to let go of this moment, to let go of her.

Eventually though, she pulls away from me. “I should go.” She says quietly.

“I missed you.” I smile at her. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you.”

“You saw me last week.”

“It wasn’t you. I haven’t seen my Lilly for a long time.” I touch her lips which are slightly parted. I want to kiss her. I want to take her home and never let her go. I know that when she walks out of this room she’ll have her walls up again and my Lilly will be gone.

She drops her eyes, her eyelashes sweeping over her cheeks. “That girl is gone.”

“No, she’s not.” I say quietly.

“You want the happy go lucky girl, Theo. She doesn’t exist. That’s why we would never work, regardless of Cassie. The person you think you love…she’s a lie. I was living in a fairy tale that couldn’t last.” Her voice is so desperately sad. She can’t seriously believe that, can she?

I grit my jaw. “You’re wrong.”

She watches me silently for a while. “Why did you buy me another car?” She asks quietly.

“Why did you sell the first one?” I counter. I tense. This will be the moment where the shutters come down.

She sighs. “I’m guessing you already know why. To help Cassie.” Her eyes go distant. Here it comes. I want to scream at her to stay with me. “She needed the money, and I didn’t need the car.” It doesn’t happen. “How do you think I felt Theo? She got sacked and lost her flat that came with the job. She was taking drugs. She was desperate. Meanwhile I’m driving around in a hundred grand car from the man who should be helping her.”

We sit in silence for a while. “I can’t deal with it Lilly. I mean, a baby. I just, I’m not ready to deal with it.”

“I know.” She offers a small smile. “And that’s okay, but at some point you are going to have to deal with it. I know that you would never forgive yourself if that baby is born with problems and you did nothing to stop her, but you did stop her. You bought that car, so in a roundabout way you paid for her rehab.”

I smile. “Nice try, but that is all on you.” I study her brilliant green eyes, her attention fixed on me. “Thank you.” I whisper. She dealt with a situation that she knew I couldn’t deal with, at the cost of her own pain, and for that I’m grateful. “As for the new car…I didn’t like the idea that you had lost your car taking care of something that’s my responsibility, so I bought you another one. I guess it was a way of making myself feel better.”

She sighs. “You can’t keep doing this Theo. You buy me cars. You warn off my clients. You buy off my friends. You fuck me and use me.” Her voice breaks slightly. “Quite frankly I think you need help. You need to let me go.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.

I grab her chin and make her look at me. “Never.” I breathe. “I’m sorry for that night at Note. I’ve never been so jealous in my life. I wanted to hurt you. It was a shitty thing to do. My only defence is that I’m not rational when it comes to you.”

She smiles slightly. “Theodore Ellis, jealous? I never thought I’d see the day.”

“I’m always jealous when it comes to you. Every time you walk in a room I want to claw the eyes out of every man in it.” I reach out and pinch a piece of her hair between my fingers, it’s so soft, like silk. She lifts a shaky hand to my face and trails her fingers over my jaw. Her face is full of sadness and longing. “I love you Lilly.” I say without thought.

She averts her eyes away from me. She doesn’t say anything for a while. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me Theo, things I can never tell you. You would be better off with Cassie. She can give you things I never will.” She twists her head to the side and swipes at a tear as it tracks down her face. She looks so defeated.

I almost laugh, Cassie is the last person on earth I’d want to go anywhere near. “What does that mean?”

“It means that although you can’t see it now, I did the right thing.” She manages a small smile.

I cup her cheek. “How can this be the right thing? There is nothing you can’t give me Lilly. I know you don’t feel the same way about me as…” She presses her fingers to my lips.

“I do, but it’s not enough to overcome some things.”

“You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me, right?”

She releases a shuddering breath. “The situation may not be perfect Theo, but I’m not ready to watch you walk away for good, not yet anyway.”

She brushes some hair off my forehead, a small smile on her lips, even as her eyes shimmer with tears. I wish she would just tell me her secrets, let me into her world. “Let’s just say that some experiences…they scar people. Some scars are impossible to heal no matter how much time passes. I live my life the way I do for a reason. It keeps the demons out. It allows the scars to fade. Even without Cassie, we would have ended sooner or later, because you make me feel, and that makes me weak.” She sniffs. “God, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“I’m glad you’re telling me this. It helps me understand.” I smile at her. “I don’t agree with it, but it does help. Tell me this Lilly…why are you so determined to always fight on your own? Why can you never rely on anyone? I would be there for you, you know I would.”

She looks impossibly sad. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you…the only person you can rely on in this life is yourself.” She offers a small sad smile. “I should go.” She moves to stand, but I pull her back down and she falls into my lap. She moves to straddle my legs, her skirt fanning across her thighs. I wrap a hand around her nape and pull her to me. Her breath hitches as I brush my lips over hers, tasting the salt of her tears. Her hands fist in my shirt. I kiss her like the precious thing she is to me. She parts her lips and her warm breath touches my tongue. I groan against her mouth. I trail my fingers down her jaw and to her throat. I rest my palm across her throat gently, feeling her rapid pulse under my fingertips. She stiffens at once. She rips away from me and gasps for breath as her fingers claw at my wrist. I release her immediately. The look on her face is pure panic. She launches to her feet and staggers backward as she rubs at her throat. What the fuck?

“Lilly.” I say her name quietly. Her eyes snap to mine and I can see the confusion in them.

“Theo?” She frowns.

“What was that?”

“I…I have to go.” She darts to the door and pulls it open. I’m up and after her in a heartbeat.

“Lilly.” I call after her. She keeps walking. “Lilly.” I finally catch up to her and spin her to face me. Her skin is pale, and she’s shaking.

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine. I’ll take you home.” I start to guide her to the lift.

She shakes her head. “I need to get back to the party.”

“Don’t make me remove you forcibly. I am taking you home, and you are going to explain to me what just happened so I can kill whoever hurt you.” My tone leaves no room for argument.

She sighs and turns toward the lift. What, no hand to hand combat? I’m shocked.

I follow her into the lift. There’s another older couple in the lift, but they pay little attention to us. I grab her hand in mine. She’s shaking, and despite the effort she’s putting into trying to look okay, I know she’s not. I’m going to kill the fucker who laid a fucking finger on her.

“You need to text Harry.” I say shortly. I see her nod out of the corner of my eye.

She doesn’t say anything the entire way down in the lift. We walk through the lobby and out the front of the building. She still says nothing as the valet brings the car round. I open her door for her and she gets in without looking in my direction.

As we drive through London I glance her way, but her face is always turned away toward the window.

Eventually I break the silence. “Are you going to tell me what happened back there?” I ask quietly.

She sighs. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget about it.”

“Someone hurt you.” I growl. “I cannot just forget about it.” I turn onto her street and pull up outside her flat, right behind the cherry red Maserati.

“No one hurt me. I just don’t like having my throat touched.” She frowns.

“Bullshit.”

She turns and glares at me. “Fuck you.”

I grab her chin and force her to look right at me. “I have had my hands on every inch of your body. Every fucking inch, and there is nowhere you don’t like being touched, so let’s try that again shall we? Who hurt you?”