Conscious Decisions of the Heart (14 page)

“Oh, I’m going to leave it to you to decide what punishment you deserve.”

“She was real, Ben. I didn’t make her up, and she knew you, and she knew me, and she seemed very sure of everything she said.”

“I don’t know, Nik. What can I say? Maybe it was a wind up? A bet? It was probably just one of the girls in the library doing it for a joke! Come on, let’s get home. If you’re very, very good, I’ll give you the opportunity to carry my babies. How does that sound?”

Nikolas wasn’t in the mood to be teased. As soon as they got home, he went to the sink and ran a large glass of water. He drank that and then another. Ben came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. “Bed?” Nikolas nodded and pulled him close. He breathed into Ben’s hair for a while then gave him a little shove.

“Go shower. I’ll do penance and take Radulf out.”

Ben ruffled his hair. “It’s very cold. Not too long, yeah?”

“For God’s sake, I survived a Siberian gulag.”

“I was talking about the dog.”

Nikolas started to click his fingers for Radulf to follow him, but Ben snagged his coat and held out his hand. Nik tried to look innocent but then swore and handed over his lighter. Ben waggled his fingers, and Nikolas handed over the packet of cigarettes, as well. It was full except for the one he’d tried to light earlier. “I
have
given up, Benjamin, but it’s easier if I have a packet with me. I know it’s illogical, but I can’t explain it to you, as you’ve never had to give up. I’m sorry.” Ben seemed to consider this for a moment then handed the packet back. Nikolas flashed him a quick glance. “I don’t deserve you.” Before Ben could agree with him, he went out, holding the door for the dog to follow him through.

The clouds had almost all blown over, and the moon illuminated the snow in a blue-white wash of almost unearthly beauty; but Nikolas had seen many forests and too much snow and only wanted to climb into bed where it was warm. He didn’t like being wrong-footed, and that woman had done it to him tonight. He wondered idly if somewhere in his mind he was waiting for the day when Ben finally stopped loving him. He supposed it was inevitable. Despite Ben’s unwavering belief in him, Nikolas knew it was wholly undeserved. Even after his confession about his brother’s death, which he’d told Ben was the last of his secrets, there was still much he wouldn’t want Ben to find out about his past. He had a feeling Ben’s belief in his lovability would be destroyed fairly quickly should certain other events be known. He toed the snow, making patterns with his shoe. He desperately wanted a cigarette. It had been his whole reason for volunteering to stand in the freezing cold with the dog. He’d planned on smoking the one he’d tried to on the beach, reasoning as he’d already broken his promise with that one, another now was a freebie and didn’t count. He’d been looking forward to it all the way home. He kicked Ben’s woodpile out of spite. He was regretting his promise to give up; he’d been smoking since he was ten. Sergei could hardly punish him for stealing his cigarettes when
he’d
stolen something far more precious from his ten-year-old son.

He felt something nudge his leg and glanced down to find the dog eyeing him evilly, as if he’d been the one forced out into the cold to accompany the human. Nikolas gave him back an equally evil glare, and they trudged in together.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Ben was still in the mood to tease about the strange woman in the restaurant and insisted on his plan of impregnation so Nikolas wouldn’t be jealous. By this time, however, Nikolas had suffered enough being made fun of so reminded Ben for most of the rest of the night just who was in charge in their relationship. Nikolas’s reminders weren’t gentle. They were both soldiers, and although Ben didn’t exactly enjoy the painful games Nikolas played with him, he definitely relished the quivering, intense orgasms they gave him. It wasn’t the best night, therefore, for Radulf to set up a volley of barking at five, just after they’d both drifted off exhausted and spent. Ben sat bolt upright, grunted, and then fell back asleep. Radulf didn’t stop. Nikolas poked Ben. “What does he want?”

Ben turned, grunted something else and pulled the covers over his head. Uncharacteristically, Nikolas shouted to Radulf to shut the fuck up, but when the noise didn’t stop, he rolled naked out of bed and went downstairs. Radulf was standing at the window, huge paws up on the sill, staring out. Nikolas swatted him away, but he came back growling at the dark outside. Suddenly, a deer shot out of the woodpile and into the forest. Radulf’s volley of barking went up a pitch. Nikolas got hold of his collar and dragged him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He picked him up and heaved him onto the bed. Radulf appeared so surprised by this turn of events he lay quietly, staring at Nikolas with huge amber eyes as he wedged himself back into the very small space that was left.

None of them woke until after lunch. If Nikolas sometimes felt his life lacked purpose, he didn’t mind too much when that meant he could get up when he liked, wear what he liked, and had no further thought for the day but to amuse himself by irritating both Ben and Radulf. He started by kicking Radulf outside as soon as he got downstairs, and although his foot didn’t actually connect, the dog, he reckoned, got the message. He watched him for a while as he sniffed around the log pile and then disappeared off down the track toward the lake, presumably following the deer scent. The dog dispatched, he took some coffee back up to bed for Ben. Ben had been on the receiving end of the let’s-prove-who’s-the-boss-in-this-relationship fun all night, so Nikolas reckoned he was owed coffee in bed.

Lots of Nikolas’s life hadn’t held much pleasure, but sliding back into a still sleep-warm bed with Benjamin was definitely one of the more pleasurable activities. He carefully put the coffee down so as not to wake him. Very gently, he pulled the covers off Ben’s head. Ben grunted and turned. Nikolas smiled, propping himself up on one elbow to study the sleeping form. He combed his fingers through the long, bed-rumpled hair, and Ben opened his eyes. He frowned and mumbled, “Has he stopped barking?”

Nikolas laughed. “Yes. About eight hours ago.”

“Huh.” He seemed prepared to go back to sleep. “What’re you doing?”

“It’s lunchtime, Benjamin. I’m hungry.”

Ben laughed and turned onto his back to give Nikolas more access. He rested his hands very lightly on Nikolas’s head, something that was now tolerated so long as he didn’t press down, and lay back to enjoy the exquisite sensation of Nikolas’s mouth on his swelling cock.

Eventually, when Nikolas was ready, he allowed Ben to come. Ben arched, unable to prevent his fingers snagging Nikolas’s hair. He was still coming down from his high when Nikolas slid up, seized his face and kissed Ben’s own spill back to him. It clearly wasn’t so much fun for Ben, and he was fought off until, both too winded with laugher to continue, they lay side by side in the ruined bed.

“It’s snowing again.”

Nikolas turned to follow Ben’s gaze. Suddenly, he flicked his eyes toward the door. He coughed and suggested, “You shower, maybe, and I’ll put more coffee on?” Ben nodded absentmindedly. Nikolas slunk downstairs and sheepishly opened the door.

§ § §

The rest of the day passed in lazy enjoyment of doing nothing very much. Radulf filled his afternoon glaring at Nikolas and shivering to make him feel guilty. By the time it was dark, the snow was deep, even under the edge of the trees where it had drifted. Ben was clearly feeling restless, so, under protest, Nikolas allowed himself to be dragged out for a walk to the lake. It was only fifty metres, but he didn’t have the childlike love of snow Ben, being English, did. He didn’t find it amusing to be hit by snow or to be shoved into a deep drift. It was much more amusing to push Ben into the lake and watch him flounder in the ice. They’d never put it to the test who was the faster runner; with suitable motivation, Nikolas discovered he could stay ahead of Ben just enough to reach the shelter of the lodge and a locked door before being caught. It was only when he promised to turn on the hot tub Ben promised not to beat him to a pulp.

Watching Ben in the ice had almost been as much fun as stripping him slowly and easing him into hot, bubbling water—almost, but not quite. Nikolas was just about to apologise to him in the way they both enjoyed most when Ben’s phone rang. Nikolas tried to stop him answering, but Ben held it out of his reach. “It might be Anna having the baby!” He thought it was funny and was still laughing when he took the call. Then he frowned and mouthed, “Ingrid,” at Nikolas. He climbed out of the water and went back inside. By the time Nikolas came in, Ben was dressing. “She thinks someone has tried to break in.”

“She should ring the police. Do you want me to come?”

“You want to have conversations with the police?”

“Ah, no, not particularly. Who am I today? I’ve forgotten. But take the dog. He’s good at barking at nothing.”

§ § §

When Ben got to the house, the police were already there. There were no footprints in the snow, but it had been snowing heavily. The house was well shuttered and nothing appeared to have been disturbed. Ben chatted to the inspector for a while and told him he was staying the night. There was not much else anyone could do. Ingrid, now slightly embarrassed at her initial panic, made light of the whole situation and demanded Ben return home when it was light. He noticed she didn’t suggest he leave that night. He went around the whole property after the police left, checking it was secure. It was still snowing heavily.

He rang Nikolas to tell him his plan to stay the night with Ingrid. “You gonna be okay?” It occurred to him that without another car Nikolas was rather trapped. It was a little redundant therefore to ask him, but he was considerate like that.

“I’ll cope.” Nikolas rang off. That was abrupt, even for him.

Ben tapped the phone against his lips for a moment, debating phoning him back, but he wasn’t the one who’d been rude. He didn’t feel so bad about the car now.

He sat with Ingrid watching one of their favourite shows, and Ingrid chastised him for not practising his Danish enough with Aleksey. Ben didn’t point out they practised plenty, just not vocabulary he could demonstrate to her.

In the morning, Ingrid insisted Ben return home. She’d called her son in Copenhagen, and he was sending his oldest teenage son to stay with her for the Christmas holiday. Ben decided to leave Radulf at the house with her until the boy arrived. She assured him it wasn’t necessary; he said he didn’t want the dog anymore and if she didn’t take him he’d have him put down. She smiled faintly at his joke but then seemed pleased to agree Radulf should stay.

§ § §

When Ben returned home the following afternoon, he was surprised to find Nikolas chopping wood. Other than making the occasional cup of coffee, Nikolas did nothing useful around the house at all. He didn’t understand the concept of laundry, having used a service his whole adult life. He refused to cook, claiming it was women’s work. Housework of any kind was included in this dismissal. He occasionally liked to drive the car but was always surprised it ran out of fuel and furious if it did this when he was driving. Ben sometimes wondered what life in the Russian Special Forces was like, but clearly it wasn’t much like life in the British version. He’d been taught to iron at sixteen, and cleaning meant taking the faceplates off wall sockets and scrubbing the screw holes with his toothbrush. He’d slept on the floor in a sleeping bag for the first year of his army service so his bed remained inspection perfect. Living with Nikolas had always been something of a strain, therefore. Ben tried to remember that having been married to royalty, albeit minor royalty, Nikolas had expectations of his staff. What riled him slightly was Nikolas now appeared to consider him staff. To see Nikolas, therefore, stripped to the waist, chopping wood, with an open bottle of vodka beside him, was something of a revelation. To see he cut wood effortlessly and better than
he
did was extremely annoying. He put it down to Nikolas’s Scandinavian heritage and tried not to take it too personally.

Nikolas stopped when Ben climbed out of the car. He slammed the axe into the block, picking up his shirt and the vodka. “How is she?”

“I don’t think there was anyone, but I’ve left Radulf with her.”

“No burglar is safe. Did you leave his blankie with him?”

“He’s not gay, and, yes, I did leave his blanket. He doesn’t like to sleep without it.”

“So…” Nikolas caught him around the waist. “I’ve been neglected. I’m…restive…”

Ben kissed him slowly, easing his lips to Nikolas’s ear. “I think you’re drunk, which is a shame, because we’re going for a run.”

§ § §

Ben took pity on him and only did a five-mile jog through the forest tracks. It was totally flat, so it was hardly a run at all. Nikolas complained the whole way, finding any excuse to stop, checking his shoelaces, pointing out where the snow was too deep for safety, and generally making sure he didn’t need to break into a sweat or breathe deeply. Consequently, they were both freezing and shivering when they got back. Ben immediately stripped and eased himself into the hot tub. Nikolas took the time to fetch another bottle of vodka and two glasses before joining him. Ben wasn’t used to hot tubs, and the whole sitting outside in the snow thing still fascinated him. He watched the flakes dissolving in the bubbling water with total concentration until a foot landed between his outstretched thighs. Nikolas handed him a glass of vodka.