Authors: Andrew Ball
you thought it was all a dream. I apologize
for my harsher remarks." Xik gave him a
slight tip of his hat. "You see, I’ve studied
you for about a week, and you showed no
small disdain for your current situation, in
life, and in this education facility. I
mistakenly believed you would snap up an
opportunity for change."
Daniel squinted. Even in the dim
lighting, the top hat flashed like an inverted
rainbow. "…I guess you guessed wrong."
"But you saw the Vorid on that young
man earlier, yes? Surely you’ve come to the
conclusion that this isn’t a dream?"
"The only thing I’ve concluded is that
I’m schizophrenic." Daniel swept an arm to
his waist and bowed. "Good day to you,
magic frog man." He started washing his
hands at the sink.
"You’re a tough nut to crack." Daniel
focused pointedly on scrubbing between his
fingers. "Ignoring me, now?" Xik asked. "I have it on good authority that’s almost
universally impolite amongst humans."
Daniel ripped few paper towels free
and mopped his hands. "Not every human is
universally polite."
"If you had magical power, those
threatening you would be easy pickings."
Daniel threw the paper towels away,
stood silently for a moment, then turned back
to Xik. The frog was waiting patiently for a
response. "The fact that you’re trying to lure
me into it just makes me more suspicious,"
Daniel said.
"I know you’re not enthusiastic, but I
don’t decide who is chosen and who isn’t.
Can’t I take an interest in your well-being
without being suspected of ulterior
motives?"
"Why me?"
"It’s more or less random. Though,
limited to individuals of fifteen years or
older. We judged this age restriction was
appropriate after reviewing your physiology
and culture."
"Are you going to keep harassing me
until I accept?" Daniel asked.
"Harass is such a strong word. Bother -"
Xik lifted a finger. "No, remind. I’ll remind
you until you accept."
"I don’t believe in shortcuts. I don’t
believe in magic. I don’t believe in you."
Daniel pointed at the spindly frog. "I do
believe in hard work and careful planning. I
do believe in myself. I don’t need magic to
feel or be special, let alone solve my
problems. Go back to whatever crack of my
brain you crawled out from."
"Your confidence is admirable," Xik
said. "But will your determination hold up
against a gathering of your peers looking to
harm you?"
"Watch and learn." Daniel left the
bathroom.
Standing outside were three girls he
really didn’t want to see—Brenda, Alice,
and Alex. They were the golden trio of
femininity at his high school, the pinnacle of
fashion and popularity. In other words,
squawking vultures with too much makeup.
He’d been proud to include their cars on his
list of prank targets. Apart from them, the
hall was empty.
"Hey Daniel," Alex said. She tossed her
bleached hair over her shoulder. "We’ll be
watching the show. My boyfriend said he’d
give you a black eye just for me."
"Which one’s your boyfriend?" Daniel
asked.
"Josh Harrison," she said. "Everyone
knows that."
Harrison. He was one of those guys that
spent all his time cutting class out by the auto
shop, smoking, and wearing leather jackets.
"How nice," Daniel said. "You’re perfect for each other."
Alex looked at him like she smelled an
insult, but her single functioning neuron
couldn’t quite catch it. "Yeah. We are. What
do you care, anyway?"
"You’re right. I don’t."
"We heard you talking to yourself in
there," Alice drawled. "But don’t worry. We won’t tell anyone you were playing with
yourself in the bathroom." They laughed
through their noses and drifted away.
He was definitely bringing the bat.
"Well," said a voice in Daniel’s ear. He
flinched. Xik was next to him, rubbing his
smooth green chin. "It’s amazing how they
can be so stupid and yet so irritating," he
said. "Is that what you were thinking?"
"…take that, add some swears, and
you’re about there." Daniel glanced up. "Is this one of those deals where only I can see
and hear you?"
Xik looked surprised. "How did you
know?"
"I took a wild guess."
"You’re quite discerning."
"Just give me a heads-up if you’re going
to start talking when people are around."
"Certainly."
Daniel sighed and cupped a hand to his
forehead. Having conversations with an
imaginary friend couldn’t be healthy.
****
Daniel waited in the AV Club room just
after the bell for last period. The club room
was the pinnacle of modern technology,
assuming you were a nerd 15 years ago.
A mess of wires connected a blinking
stack of ancient routers to a series of
computers set along several tables. Most of
the computers were real dinosaurs, fat, bulky
monitors resting above ugly tan casings. The
whine of the cooling fans filled the air. A
secure locker in the back held a few cameras
and video recorders. The place was
basically an excuse for the club to hang out,
play old video games, and put another
interesting line on college applications to
make themselves look like worldly
individuals worthy of tertiary education.
Slowly, they came. Daniel watched from
the front, leaning against a whiteboard. There
was Tom, a fat kid with a soul patch about
three inches long hanging off his chin. Then
Jake, a bag of skin and bones that never shut
up about World of Warcraft. Daniel actually
did like video games, but there was only so
much he could take about balancing DPS
with crit percentages before he tuned out.
The rest of them he knew by sight and
body odor. The stench that one of the fat ones
gave off was palpable. It had been Jake that
had confided in Daniel and asked for his
help, and to Jake that Daniel had relayed
instructions; he didn’t care to learn the rest
of their names.
There weren’t any girls, obviously.
None of them had the balls to talk to women.
The seven of them sat awkwardly, heads
low, shoulders hunched. Their poor posture
accentuated the motley collection of body
types. Xik had vanished. Maybe he was
watching, or maybe he’d gone ahead to the
meeting grounds. Or maybe Daniel was
slowly edging closer to the deep end.
"Is this everyone?" Daniel asked.
"…yeah," Jake muttered.
Daniel brought his hand down on the
front desk. The hard smack of palm on wood
made them jerk to attention. "You guys look
like you’re going to a funeral. I said we’d be
getting revenge. Time to seize the day."
"The hell do you want from us?" Tom
asked. If a wet paper bag had a voice, it
would sound like he did. "We’re going to get
our asses kicked. Nothing new there. Except
this time they won’t stop at our asses
because you went so crazy."
Daniel stared at Tom until he looked
away, then swept his gaze across each of
them in turn. "So are you going to blame
other people for your problems or do
something about them? I don’t remember
mentioning anything about letting them walk
all over us. Who’s got the key to the locker?"
Mr. Stench raised his hand. "Great. Unlock
it. I want two people with cameras. We’re
recording the whole thing."
"They’ll just smash the equipment!" Tom
protested.
"No, they won’t." Daniel hefted his
backpack up onto the desk. "We’re going in
armed and ready. Is there anyone here that
isn’t eighteen?"
****
They walked through the grassy field
behind the high school. Daniel led the hike
with as much spring in his step as he could
reasonably fake, which wasn’t much. The
attitude of his companions was oppressive. It
felt like a death march. It was a simple plan,
really, but they all thought it would fall flat.
Morons. All you have to do is point and
shoot.
Jake and the smelly fat kid carried the
cameras. Each dangled from a shoulder strap
that kept it fixed to the cameraman’s chest,
leaving their hands free. They would see
more or less what their owners saw.
They plunged into the woods past the
field. After a long walk filled with snapping
twigs and crunching leaves, they started to
hear voices. Daniel caught a flash of clothes
through the trees. They arrived at a wide dirt
clearing.
The clearing was a hotspot for all the
school’s illicit activity. He’d even heard of
raves happening there on the weekends. The
scent of stale beer wafted over the forest’s
cool dank.
About ten or twelve guys were waiting,
clustered in small groups. Every offended
clique had representation, though the jocks
and some of the nastier goths made up the
majority. True to their word, Brenda, Alice,
and Alex were all there. Their matching
smug grins stretched all the way to their ears.
Daniel’s troops were immediately
demoralized by the difference in numbers.
Daniel cleared his throat. "Make sure you’re
recording, now." They checked the cameras.
"Fancy seeing you here!" Kyle stepped
out from his group. The wart on his face
trembled as he walked. "You guys ready to
get the shit kicked out of you?"
"Wait a minute," Daniel said. "I thought we were here to talk about this."
His own side gave him weird looks;
others laughed. Kyle just snorted. "I really
hate you, Fitz. You know why?"
"I’ve got the strangest feeling you’re
about to tell me."
"That’s why," Kyle said. "You just can’t keep the arrogant shit from spilling out.
You’re always looking down on everyone
like they’re your little peons, like you’re a
step ahead of everyone. I’m gonna hit you so
hard your mother’ll wake up with bruises."
Kyle placed a thoughtful finger on his cheek.
"Oh. Wait. She’s dead. Guess I’ll have to
settle for your dad. He’s kind of a bitch,
though, right?"
Daniel inhaled, exhaled, and slowly
forced his clenched fists to relax. "Kyle, we
don’t want to fight. We just want to talk."
"If you’re not coming over here, I’m
going over there." Kyle started forward. His
gang quickly joined him.
"I’m prepared to defend myself," Daniel
said loudly, "but I don’t want to fight!"
Kyle raised his fists. "Shut up!"
Daniel lifted a pen out of his pocket and
pointed it forward. "Bang!" he shouted.
Kyle stopped, and blinked. Everyone
else stared.
"What?" Daniel asked innocently. "It’s just a pen. But you should be aware that I’m
within my rights to defend myself if you keep
threatening me."
"I’m going to enjoy this," Kyle said. He
moved to close the gap.
Daniel pressed the button on his fake
pen. A cloud of pepper spray blasted across
the six feet to Kyle, catching him straight in
the eyes before fizzing out. Kyle screamed
and clutched at his face. He lost his balance
and fell to the ground.
Someone kicked Kyle to the side. It was
Harrison, Alex’s boyfriend. "Oh no, pepper
spray," he said. "Too bad you only had one."
Daniel took the next pen out of his
pocket and sprayed it before anyone could
react. Harrison was wailing on the ground
next to Kyle in seconds. "Too bad you’re a
dumbass."
Angry bullies rushed forward.
Empowered nerds came to Daniel’s defense,
each one wielding several of the single-shot
pens. Daniel drew back behind the line and
let them do the work.
Foggy streamers of aerosolized pain
crisscrossed the clearing. Some of the
attackers tried to cover their eyes to protect
themselves—but that just forced them to fight
blind, and it didn’t save them from breathing
the stuff in. Even Daniel’s socially inept
soldiers couldn’t screw up that advantage.
In less than a minute, eight more had hit
the deck; the rest took off, stumbling back
through the woods. One of the nerds took a
nasty uppercut, but he got back on his feet in
short order. Alex was left standing alone
near the trees, whimpering over the loss of
Harrison.
Daniel caught the attention of his
cameramen, and made the arranged gesture—
a flick of his fingers across his eyes. They
cut the footage.
Daniel took a little bottle of bleach out
from his other pocket. Harrison was still
sniveling on the ground, clutching at his face.
Daniel shoved him onto his stomach with his
foot and dumped the bottle all over the back
of his jacket, destroying the leather.