CONTROLLING HER: 7 BOOKS COMPLETED BOX SET - (Adult Short Reads Romance Novel Stories Series): Contemporary Love Thriller, Suspense, Control & Erotic Menage ... Male Domination Novellas 1 2 3 4 5 6 7) (17 page)

S: Ya just like that Jonathan. I really hope you’re happy with yourself.

J: Ok I’m sorry… I leave you alone.

S: you’re sorry? That one doesn’t work between us apparently. Lol leave me alone he says. A little too late for that one.

J: Alrite Veronica u said it I understand

S:No! YOU DON’T! And I’d prefer Veronica. You’ve claimed to understand so many things before, it’s obvious you never did.

J: Ok Veronica

I didn’t reply. I’d just about broken for the very last time. I told myself. It would be ok. I didn’t need a man in my life, not for now at least. And when my body needed release I knew where I could get it. Sex wasn’t hard to get, it wasn’t sex that made me cheat. It was my desires, wanting to be held and fucked a specific way. If Jonathan had just tried when we talked about it, maybe I’d have never given in to Bill; maybe I would’ve treated him just like all the other guys who’d try to get between my legs. Maybe I would’ve rejected him. I made sure I pleased him, every single way he wanted, did the gross things he liked, let him play with my feet, let him cuddle me the entire night, even when I wanted to just roll over into my own space I laid silently beside him until he fell asleep. I’d loved him the best way I could. Did he love me the best way he could? I’d love him no matter what. I guess that was the difference between women and men, women could forgive. If a woman could stay with a man who has beaten her close to death because she loved him, I didn’t see why he couldn’t forgive me. How could you love me the way you said you did and still be willing to live without me? I’m confused as to what, ‘I’ll never let go’ really meant coming from your lips. I was willing to work this out, willing to work for his trust. But nothing. He was cold, bitter, I was bitter, I’d reached the point where I wouldn’t cry anymore, I wanted to hate.

I called Bill. “Mr Hilton we need to meet.”

“Need to? Or you want to?”

I ignored the cockiness in his voice; I wondered how I was ever attracted to his ego.

“I suggest we go to E-park”

“Why there? You could just come over now. I’m in the mood I guess.”

The poor fucker, he hadn’t realized that it was over? He probably thought I missed him and wanted more. Hell no, I was done with him. I needed to see him, tell it to his face, so he would know how serious I am.

“We can go there after, I know you don’t PDA but I promise to keep myself in line.”

I fed him a lie that sounded more like a plea.

“Alrite, we won’t stay long.”

We definitely wouldn’t this was going to be short and sweet and to the point I had chosen the most public place I known. I drove with purpose, he wasn’t late, and already there when I got there. I would know for sure that this was in my past; I was going to shoot it in the head like an old horse.

“Hi,” I said walking up to him; he sat on a bench I sat. Security was in clear view, I didn’t know how this would turn out, and I didn’t know if he had an aggressive side to him better to be safe than sorry. 

“What’s up? He causally asked.”

“Nothing much. I just think we needed to talk.”

“If this is about what I made you do to Veronica then it isn’t up for discussion.”

He cut me off.

So her name was Veronica..

“This isn’t about her, whoever she is, you can have her.”

I couldn’t hide the jealousy in my voice, and then I remembered I had nothing to be jealous about. I smiled at him and relaxed. He opened his mouth to talk.

“No, don’t I apologise, that was stupid of me to say. Very stupid actually. But I meant it, you can have her, even though I had no control and couldn’t stop her, I want you to know I don’t mind, I don’t care.”

“Wow, you’ve come so far. I’m proud of you; you’re beginning to understand the rules.”

I smiled a bigger smile then.

“No I’m afraid you’re not understanding, I asked you to come here so you could look at me see my eyes, I know you read eyes. You can tell I’m serious and that this is no bluff, what I am saying is, you can have her, and only her. I no longer belong to you, I never belonged to you, I was lost, and I have found my way. I wanna say thanks though, cause you thought me a very important lesson, a lesson I needed to learn.”

I smiled, got up and walked away. He could figure out that lesson on his own.

How could I ever had thought that I was in love with him? He was such a prick. Truth is, our bodies were so in synced with our emotions that it was easy to confuse good sex with love, the line between body and soul was so thin we often cross an emotional boundary where sex couldn’t go. Sex could stretch so far and no further into the soul. I knew what love was. Bill wasn’t it. Nice guys didn’t always finish last; they win different races, in different competitions that assholes couldn’t get into.

I sang on the way to my car on Park Boulevard, I meant it, Bill thought me a lesson I needed to learn no matter how old you are life teaches us valuable lessons. Age didn’t change the fact that new things were happening around us, we grow every day, we evolve we change with all the other things that changes, people were subjected to change no matter what. Bill thought me that no matter what or how horrible things may seem, there’ll come a moment when you’ll have a reason to smile at the sun. I held my head up, I smiled at the sun, so lost in my happiness I didn’t realise I was walking out into the street without looking first, I didn’t realise I hadn’t looked up and down the street to see the car coming, I was smiling the entire time it happened. I had walked away from my mistake free.

I was walking dragging my feet.

“Veronica, stop dragging your feet like that!” Sophia said walking behind me. I hadn’t realised.  Now that I think about it, I’d been dragging myself for a week now. I considered going to the doctor, and getting anti-depressants. The anger had faded, sooner rather than later. It had kept me motivated. Kept me focus, kept me hating him, and thinking about him less. When really, it wasn’t helping any of us. Maybe it was helping him, maybe not. I knew it wasn’t a good thing to have this much hate in one heart. I needed to release it. I called Jonathan instead of texting. I was on lunch, it was Thursday. I was going to Black Ivy later; maybe he would meet me there. I really needed some poetry in my soul tonight, soon too. I left early, dialled his number in the cab home, taking a cab everyday was extremely expensive, and I missed him more than one way. It rang,

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hi Veronica.” Hearing my name sounded good.

“How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been good, been staying with my mom, she’s been good, just taking it one day at a time. Been going to church too.”

That was good to hear, at least one of us was trying to make their lives right. I was trying to make mine right.

“That’s good to hear, I know this is short notice, but can I see you tonight? Wanna go to Black Ivy with me?” There was a pause, he thought about it.

“Sure.”

My heart did a backflipped.

“Ok,” I was about grinned, I felt like I had just been asked out on my first date.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.”

He arrived on time, I wasn’t ready I couldn’t find the right thing to wear, I almost bought something new, I wanted to look different wanted him to see me in a different light, it had been so long since he’d seen me. When he arrived, I offered him to come inside, thank God I cleaned the place Sunday, I’d asked him to come on impulse, he’d agreed on what was probably impulse too. He looked great, fit, like he’d been working out. He wore a green and white plaid shirt I hadn’t seen before.

“Nice shirt,” “thanks mom bought me this one,” he smiled like a toddler showing off his lunch box in the school yard. He knew how much I liked plaid shirts.

I went to the room after resisting the urge to tell him to have a seat; he used to live here too. I wondered if I’d move out if we never got back together. The memories would probably get up off the walls and eat me alive. I would move out. I dug through my closet, dug and dug, every drawer, then I remembered, I ran to the chest of drawers almost falling over clothes I’d thrown on the floor, found a dress I remembered buying from a lady who came by the office selling overpriced things.

“YES!”

I covered my mouth; it came out louder than I expected it to.

“Veronica?” I heard him calling form the living room.

“I’m fine!”

I grabbed the iron, laid the dress out on the bed, it’s a good thing I had already showered, and I heard him go to the bathroom. I hurriedly pressed the dress, and the worst happened. I felt the iron stick to it. Cursing to myself I lifted it off it fast, turned the iron down on its side, held the delicate fabric up to inspect the burn. It was hardly visible. This was a new dress, I liked it too much, “it affi guh wear same way tonight.” I thanked God Black Ivy had dim lighting, and the burn wasn’t that bad.

When I was finally finished I appraised myself, the burn wasn’t visible unless you were looking for it. The dress was almost sheer it was soft against me.  Wore dark undergarments a shorts as well, black so nothing would be revealed it stopped mid-way my thigh, black and white polka dots and white neck line. My makeup was simple a skin tone eye shadow gold highlights that brought out my eyes, the most extravagant thing was my popping wine red lipstick. My hair had been wrapped it was straight; I wore a perfume I never wore before,
Temptation.

Jonathan looked at me, and I mean really looked, the longing in his eyes. He looked, I smiled shyly, yes I definitely felt like it was our first date. He led the way out, I locked up, we drove silently to Black Ivy and I knew he would listen to my poem tonight. It was lightly full, people at almost every table. Alicia whispered to me ill-manneredly,

“Who’s the cutie?”

“Jonathan,” is all I said.

We vibed, relaxed, exchanged light conversation about the poets that were going up; laughed at the humour, kept quiet during the sad and strong ones. I could see the shock when the MC began,

“Please ya’ll give it up for our own for the second time, Veronica.”

I looked back at him, winked, and went up to the microphone. I’d purposefully asked Jermaine to have this front seat reserved for me, he could pull any string.

I stood with my fingers in my hands, waiting to feel the nerve I’d felt the first time react.

“I’m a sinner,

A sinner by every means of the word, sin

A thief, I stole your heart,

Then I paid for every beat within,

A sinner, a killer,

I kidnapped you, tied your soul to my shoes

Killed it, I punched it till it was black and blue

A sinner

A criminal, convicted of man-slaughter,

Heart-slaughter, should’ve been cardiac arrested,

I sacrificed you

like a lamb on my own alter

Was it worth it?

No it wasn’t working

What I thought it would do

It wasn’t working

My mind a blur

You a victim me, a sinner

But tonight it’s different,

Tonight I wanna, strip myself of my wrongs

Get on my knees, beg for your mercy

Tonight I want your forgiveness.

Tonight I want your mercy

Tonight I want to let you see the

Most feeble part of me,

Tonight I come crawling to you,

I was a sinner, a sinner now repenting

A sinner now venting

A sinner who wants to be baptised in you

Forgiveness, immersed beneath your mercy

A sinner

No longer worthy of you,

No longer worthy of praise

A sinner stuck reminiscing

On good days

A sinner giving up her ways

Giving up the ways of a sinner

To this new life, a beginner

I wanted to, erase the  pass

Start anew

I wanted to be fresh, showered

Clean for you.

But,

You can’t erase the past,

Can’t erase the pain

I can’t erase your memory, though

I have prayed to Gods so they

Would try to.

A sinner,

a sinner who, broke every rule

a sinner, a sinner who,

Still belongs to you.

Thank you.”

I had been crying by the second line, paused too many times, but Jonathan was crying too. The crowd, wow the crowd, they were clapping hooting another girl was crying. I’d poured all my emotions into that poem. It felt like my last plea. I repented.

I sat beside him, neither of us said a word for the rest of the night, when it was time to leave I reached for his hand, he led me out, we got to the car, he let go, opened my door for me. We drove in silence. Though it was killing me I understood that some things were better left unsaid. My message was clear, I was no longer angry, I just wanted to be forgiven, maybe I’d consider being friends.

He pulled up to the drive way. Got out, opened my door, and walked me to my door. I hugged him, it was sudden but he hugged me back. I didn’t let go, I inhaled his smell. I looked up into his face, his eyes filled, he closed them and kissed me, he pulled back as soon as I tipped to let him, then gave in, he kissed me deeply, like a man in love. I knew he meant it. He left.