Convictions: Kelly and Stephen (3 page)

Back at her house Kelly was greeted at the door by her chocolate lab, Max.  “You poor boy, you think mommy deserted you!”  She could tell by the food bowls that her neighbor’s eight year old son, Will, had come over to feed Max and let him out.  Will loved dogs but didn’t have one of his own so he always looked out for Max when Kelly was gone.  Several years ago she had given Will a key to her back door just for that reason.  Whenever she had to leave town for a book signing, or to meet with her agent, Will would take care of Max, and he almost always came over after school to take him for a walk and play.

Kelly took a shower.  The steaming hot water washed over her cleansing her, but failed to wash away the feel of Stephen’s touch or any of the new sensations she’d her body had discovered since yesterday.   Dressed in jeans and a long sleeve flannel shirt she put her hair up in a ponytail.  Standing back from the mirror she studied her reflection looking for signs that she had changed overnight. 

She certainly felt different on the inside, but on the outside, dressed like this she looked every bit the mom of a thirteen year old boy and nothing of the insatiable woman she had been with Stephen.  She smiled at herself in the mirror; just the thought of last night, what they had done, and of the pleasure that Stephen had given her, caused her cheeks to flush.

Checking the kitchen to make sure there was enough food, she put Max in the Jeep, and headed out to the little airstrip five miles out of town.  If you are coming up from the lower forty-eight, the main airport in South-Eastern Alaska is in Anchorage.  But once in Anchorage prop plane, or boat, is the only way to get anywhere else in the state.  And if you’re in a hurry, there are numerous small entrepreneurs only too happy to fly you for the right price, and weather permitting of course.

For Kelly, Phyllis, co-owner of Spirit Air, was the person she trusted most and unless she was sick, Phyllis was available most every day.  She’d been piloting the twice daily run between Hanlon’s Airstrip and Ted Stevens International Airport for as long as Kelly had known her.

Kelly pulled into the parking lot and was putting Max on his leash when she heard the high pitched purr of an incoming Spirit Air prop.  Hopefully all went well with connections and Charlie was on this run.  Otherwise she’d have to come back in five hours for Phyllis’s second run. 

At thirteen Charlie was pretty mature for his age.  He had no problem flying on his own as he’d been doing it for many years, trips to visit parents and grandparents and so forth.  And in Hanlon everyone knew him, especially Phyllis, from the five years he had been coming up here to visit Kelly.

Kelly shielded her eyes from the sun and watched as the plane hop its way down the hard packed dirt runway and made its way over to the main hanger, which also served as the terminal.  Walking toward the plane she watched as the steps were lowered and two people followed by the pilot exited the plane.  He was taller but she instantly recognized Charlie as the first one off, waving as soon as he spotted her and Max.  She couldn’t believe how much he had grown in just six months, since he was here at Christmas.               

Charlie bent over to pet Max and then standing stiffly allowed Kelly to hug him.  “Hi baby how are you.  I can’t believe how much you have grown, did you have good flight?”

“Yep, it was fine” Charlie mumbled.

“Hey Kelly!”  Phyllis shouted as she pulled a couple of suitcases out from behind the passenger area.  “Can’t believe how big your boy is getting.  Flight was a little bumpy but he did great.  See you in two weeks!” 

“Thanks again Phyllis, you are the best!  And I mean it!” Kelly shouted back over the wind gusts.  Phyllis waved and disappeared into the terminal to refill her coffee mug and finish her flight logs.

Kelly took the smaller of two bags as Charlie picked up the larger.  “Is that all you brought?”

Charlie mumbled “yep”.

They loaded his bags in the back of the Jeep and all three hopped in.  “Are you hungry?  I have plenty of stuff at home or we can stop somewhere if there is something special you want?”

“I’m starving but whatever you have at the house is fine.”

The ride back to Kelly’s was quiet.  Charlie stared out the window watching sights and noting that nothing in Hanlon ever changed.  At home there was always a new building going up, or an old one coming down; nothing ever stayed the same.  But up here, nothing ever changed.  He still can’t figure out why his mom moved here.  It was so boring.

As the Jeep made its way through town, passing the market, Kelly nearly ran off the road when she spotted a rusted blue pickup out front.  She’d hope to catch a glimpse of the man who drove it as he was leaving the store but unless she chose to pull over and wait, it didn’t look to be in the cards.  She drove on.  Her house was just around the corner, close to the downtown square, but not within eyesight of the market.  She was just being silly.  Kelly silently renewed her vow to push the thought of Stephen out of her head, at least for now.

She pulled the old Jeep into her driveway and unloaded Charlie’s bags.  Kelly asked Charlie to take them to his room.  Charlie did so thinking that nothing in his room ever changed either.  Maybe he would point out to his mom that he had outgrown most of the stuff in there.  But why bother; for the few weeks of the year spent here he could handle it.  It’s not like it really matters what’s in the room anyway, he’s only sleeping in there and besides, it’s not his room anyway.  His room is in Seattle, not Hanlon.

On his way back to the kitchen, passing through the living room he glanced to the space on the far wall beneath the TV.  Shaking his head as he entered the kitchen he complained “still no gaming system, mom?”  In the tone that mothers everywhere have used when they have heard the same complaint too many times, Kelly replied “no, Charlie, still no video games.  We don’t need them here; there are plenty of other things to do.  This is ALASKA!”

Under his breath he muttered “what’s so good about it?”

“Speaking of which”, Kelly continued, “what do you want to do these next two weeks?”

“Eat”, said Charlie.

Kelly laughed as she answered “well there is plenty of stuff for sandwiches.  I got everything I have out of the fridge so go ahead and make whatever you want.  When your stomach is full then maybe we can talk about what you want to do while you are here.”

Charlie finished making and eating three sandwiches, and then polished off a bag of cookies as he downed two glasses of milk.  He asked Kelly if it would be ok if he took a nap since he’d been up so early.  Kelly gave him a nod as he disappeared around the corner to his room.  Secretly, Kelly was thankful for the time to clear her head.  It was the first time she had to sit and think since leaving Stephen’s house that morning.

She poured a glass of iced tea and went out to the back porch.  It was a beautiful day in Hanlon.  A bit windy, and crisp, but nice.  The sun was bright and you could almost feel summer in the air.

As she sat back and sipped her tea she let her mind wander; inevitably it wandered to Stephen.  She let the memories of his smell, and feel of him roll back in and instantly she was wishing she were with him, instead; a fleeting and regrettable wish followed immediately by guilt.

Guilt, what did she have to be guilty about; guilty for wanting to be with Stephen instead of Charlie?  Guilt for wanting to be with a man who desired her over a moody thirteen year old boy who makes it very clear that he’d rather be somewhere else, anywhere else than with her anymore?

Charlie was her son, her only child, and she adored him.  When he was born there was nothing more that she wanted than to be with him, holding him, snuggling with him, nurturing him.  At that time she didn’t care if she ever saw Scott again.  Their marriage was over.  All she knew was that Charlie needed her and she would be there for him no matter what.

A year after Charlie was born she and Scott separated for the first time.  It wasn’t her idea, or even her fault, so everyone had told her.  Although, Kelly had to admit that ever since Charlie had been born, the effort she had put into the marriage had been little.  But Scott just wasn’t the kind of man to ever settle down.  He’d never be faithful; he’d never be a family man.  So she took Charlie and left. 

The guilt soon set in.  Maybe she could have been a better wife.  Maybe she should have made more of an effort.  Maybe she could have been a better lover.  Maybe if she just tried harder it would work.  It had to work, for Charlie’s sake.  And she’d go back.

But it didn’t work.  Nothing would ever change, not for long anyway.  No matter how many times she went back and how many ways she tried, Scott always wanted something or someone else. 

No, she didn’t feel guilty about that anymore.  When they finally made it official she felt like a failure, but she didn’t feel guilt.

Charlie came to her the day he turned eight to announce that he would be moving in with father and Candace, Scott’s new wife.  She shouldn’t have taken it so personally.  It’s normal for a young boy to want to be with his father.  His days of needing a mother’s nurturing were over.   She should have handled it better. 

Desiring a fresh start Kelly sold her house, her car, and what little furnishings she had and bought a one way ticket to Alaska.  Why not?  Scott had started over and Charlie was happy in his new “family”. 

Kelly convinced herself that her career as a writer was everything to her now and she needed new inspiration.  With the success of her novels she had the money to go anywhere and do anything.  Why should she stay in Seattle and live in the shadow of Scott, Candace, and Charlie’s happiness.  She’d go to Alaska to clear her head, gain inspiration, and create new characters.  It would just be temporary; she’d always planned on going back.  Moving to Alaska wasn’t a forever kind of thing, she had told herself. 

It had been a carefully thought out and constructed plan, but maybe not the right one.  In hindsight uprooting her life and moving to Alaska removed any chance that she would have of being part of Charlie’s life, of maintaining a close relationship with him as he grew up.  Ahh, there was the guilt. 

Yes, Charlie came for visits.  But they were token visits.  His father didn’t give him a choice thankfully, but did Charlie really want to leave his friends and his life to travel so far for her?  She highly doubted it.  There have been times over the last five years that the guilt of not being there for Charlie had almost driven her back to Seattle.  But she never did go back and now, she knew in heart that she never would.   

Now there was Stephen, and her heart told her that Stephen was a “forever kind of thing” maybe more than anything she had ever known.  Kelly gasped in astonishment. How did that thought slip in?  It’s just a fling; it’s just sex; how could it possibly be more, they barely knew each other?  But a voice in her head, or maybe from her heart, told her she was wrong. 

Stephen had said he wasn’t into one night stands.  And that was good because neither was she.  From the moment he answered his door she knew in her heart that a physical relationship was not what this was to be about for either of them.  There was more, much more, or else she wouldn’t have been there, and she certainly wouldn’t have stayed. 

There was no denying the pleasure they both enjoyed when they made love.  It was amazing, but the reason it was so amazing was because of the strong emotional connection that they shared.

“Mom, I’m hungry” Charlie’s voice interrupted her rabid thoughts, startling her back to the here and now.  Wow, had she really been sitting there lost in her thoughts for nearly two hours?

“Ok babe, I’m coming.”  Kelly got up and followed him into the kitchen for round two of the feeding frenzy.

***

The first few days were tense and awkward.  As a thirteen year old boy, even in the best of circumstances, Charlie would rather be spending his summer at home with his friends, hanging out and playing sports.  In the worst of circumstances, having parents who are divorced and living in different states, meant spending time in places you don’t want to be with people you don’t know and don’t care about.  Charlie wasn’t interested in much of anything other than playing video games and skateboarding or sports with friends, neither of which was available here.

Kelly tried to keep him occupied; there were hikes with Max, canoeing along the river, trips into town to see people whom he use to like to see four and five years ago, Ice Cream at Janet’s Ice Cream Emporium, and anything else involving food.  But those simple things no longer seem to keep Charlie happy as they had just a year or two ago.  He was bored. 

It was Thursday morning.  They had just finished cleaning and putting the breakfast dishes away.  Day four and Charlie continued to voice his displeasure with having to help with dishes.  At home he didn’t have to do what he termed as “girls stuff”, Candice and her part time maid took care of the house work.  Kelly reminded him that she didn’t have a maid, part time or otherwise, and the quicker they got their chores done the quicker they would get to do something fun.

“Charlie, when was the last time your dad took you fishing?” 

“Never” Charlie replied.  Kelly asked him if they had gone last year and Charlie said he couldn’t remember.