Corrupted (17 page)

Red.

It’s all I see when I open the door.

Panic seizes my entire body.

I run to her as a scream rips through my throat.

“Someone call Doc!” There is blood everywhere. I realize it’s coming from her wrists and grip them with my hands. I’m trying to put pressure on the cuts. I don’t know what to do.

“Fuck.” I look behind me to see Twisted. He runs to the other side of the bed. “Doc is on his way.” He grips the sheet, ripping it and the ties it around one of her wrists as I let it go. He does the same to the other.

I grab them once more trying to keep pressure on them.

Her face is pale.

Wake up, Luce.

You can’t leave.

I hold her in my arms as I pray that she can make it through this. That’s when I notice it on the ground. My knife. She used my knife. Every time she’s been hurt, it’s been connected to me in some way.

It feels like a lifetime before Doc comes in. His eyes grow wide at the scene in front of him.

Please let him save her again.

I can’t lose her.

It’s been two weeks since I tried to kill myself and everyone has been watching me around the clock. I have a shadow at all times. Apparently, I missed the major artery I needed to hit.

Jordan found me and freaked out. He called Doc who was magically able to save me. I wish they would have just let me go. Doc has been coming over, trying to talk to me every day since then but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t know how to change it. I can’t make myself have emotions. I can’t make myself have feelings.

I don’t know where they all went or how to get them back. I’m being forced to leave the clubhouse today and go into town with Tracie. Jordan’s words were that I go willingly or he will carry me and be my physical shadow the whole time. The idea of him touching me scares me so much. It’s not that I’m scared he will hurt me, but the act of anyone’s hands touching me makes me panic.

I get dressed in more than just pajamas for the first time since everything happened. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I’ve lost so much weight that my clothes are almost falling off me. My complexion is pale, my hair a stringy, horrible mess. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I have two huge scars from my time with Uncle Simon. The brand on my side from the cattle iron. Then the one on my hip where my tattoo used to be. It’s jagged, and ugly. It’s almost poetic because I swear it matches the way I feel inside.

My door opens and Jordan is standing there. “You ready, beautiful?”

I turn toward him. It’s a nice lie with the beautiful line. I grab a sweatshirt and walk toward the door.

“Luce, wait.” I freeze in front of him. He holds up my property jacket with a hopeful smile on his face. “Wanna wear this?” I just look at him. I used to love the man standing in front of me with all my heart. Every part of me screamed for him when he was close to me. He could bring a smile to my face without even saying anything. The way he is looking at me right now always put a smile on my face. Now I am completely unaffected. Nothing gets through to me. This is why he should have just let me die in that basement.

The Lucy he loved did anyway.

I walk past him being careful not to brush against him. I just want to get today over with.

Tracie has taken me for a day of shopping and now we are eating lunch at our favorite restaurant. She is trying to tell me a story about some of the new girls as I push around some of the food on my plate trying to make it look like I’ve eaten something so we can leave.

That’s when someone across the street catches me eye and I freeze. She is laughing and happy. Talking with another girl. Carefree and enjoying her life. Everything she took from me.

Amy.

Memories flood my mind. Things I forgot or chose to hide from myself. As they come rushing back a sharp pain hits my head. Emotions flood through my body everything I have fought against. Guilt for leaving that night, for forcing Danny to come with me. Betrayal for her lies. I scream as the pain intensifies. I crumble to the ground retreating to the fetal position.

I can’t handle everything that’s coming back to me. Regret for the way I’ve been treating my friends. The way I have pushed away the man that I love. I tried to kill myself. I scream again from the pain. Tracie is calling my name. I can hear her I just can’t focus. I’m overwhelmed. Everything I have forced into a box over the past month and a half has just crashed down on top of me.

I hear heavy footsteps. “Lucy!”

I scream again. The pain stabbing at me as I take in everything that has happened. I look around at everyone standing over me and do something I haven’t done in over six weeks.

“Jordan.” My voice is barely above a squeak, but they all hear me. Tracie starts to cry. I see Torch pulling out his phone and yelling into it.

Twisted crouches down next to me. “Luce, you need me to help you walk? Get you to the truck?”

I nod. Bracing my body for the impact. As his hands lift my body, I let out another scream my hands grasping his shirt. Tears falling fast from my eyes.

“Am I hurting you?” His voice is tight.

I shake my head. He is, but to no fault of his own. Now that I’ve started to cry, I don’t know that I can stop. I’ve opened a box that’s been closed for way too long.

The drive back to the clubhouse is fast. Twisted sits in the back with me, but keeps his distance. No one says anything to me. I think they are all scared that they will set me off.

As we pull into the lot, I see Jordan waiting. He runs toward the truck worry etched across his face. My door flies open and he moves to grab me but quickly stops himself just inches from me. I look at his face and see all of the fear, worry, and love for me he carries. I think back to how much this man has endured for me. How I have treated him, yet he still has this love for me.

What I am about to do scares me and tears start to fall faster at the idea of doing it. I reach out my hands on either side of his face. I slowly move my face closer pressing my lips to his. He doesn’t move. After a minute, I pull away.

“I-I love you.” Sobs break through me.

“Lucy, can I take you inside?” His voice pleading with me. His hands gripping the sides of the truck.

I nod. My muscles tensing once more.

His arms wrap around me. A strangled moan escapes me and he freezes. I rest my head against his chest, my tears falling fast onto his white t-shirt. He carries me through the clubhouse into our room and places me on the bed.

Jordan stands next to the bed as I curl my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around them. I can see his indecision as to what he should do next. “Sweets, you gotta guide me a little here.”

My eyes meet his then focus on a spot on the bed next to me trying to wordlessly communicate my wishes to him. Baby steps.

He sits down. “Take deep breaths, Luce.”

I don’t know how to handle everything rolling through me right now. I feel like my head is going to explode with it all. I don’t know how it’s possible that I forgot about what Amy had done to me. She set me up. She made me trust her.

I turn to Jordan trying to calm my breathing. He is watching me and as I look at him everything that I used to feel is there. I missed it. I turn to face him, amazed at how I could miss someone I have been seeing every day.

It scares me to let him touch me, but I can’t help wanting to touch him. Maybe that won’t be as bad. My hands cup my mouth trying to calm my sobs and get a hold of myself. After a few more minutes, I sit in front of Jordan and still want to touch him. My hand reaches out and strokes his cheek. He doesn’t move. His body rigid as if he is nervous he might scare me off.

“I can’t tell you how amazing it is to have you touch me again, Lucy. To have you kiss me. What happened? Torch called me and said you were screaming and crying like you were in pain. They didn’t know what was wrong.” He doesn’t move to touch me and I’m thankful for that. I need him to take it slow with me.

“I . . .” My voice is so weak from not using it for so long. I clear my throat. Can I do this? I need to do this. I can’t give Amy anymore power than I already have. She probably thinks she’s won. Anger fills my veins. “I saw my sister, Amy. When I did, memories I forgot, or tried to forget came flooding back. All the emotions I’ve pushed away hit me. It was like an explosion in my head. It hurt so badly. I felt like my head might explode from everything that I dropped to the floor.”

I see the concern on his face. “Baby, I told you we took care of all of them. You don’t need to worry about it anymore. None of them can hurt you.”

“You didn’t know everything. The reason Amy triggered me is because she was part of it. She befriended me because they told her to. She was the reason I was there that night. She told me if she didn’t get out that night she would kill herself. So I made Danny take me. Then I heard my uncle say that they had her do it. She was working with them. She set me up.” My voice breaks at the end of it. Trying to push away those memories. The nightmares that came next.

Jordan’s face twists in anger. “She’ll pay.”

I think of how Amy used my past, my pain against me. “As much as I’ve always hated violence, I want to be there for it. I want to face her.” His eyes go wide as he looks at me.

“Lucy I don’t—”

“I need closure.” I think of everything that has happened to me, of everything that I’ve lost. I lost myself—the girl I once was is gone, and I don’t know who I am anymore. She did that to me. It’s like a switch flips inside of me. I’m filled with so much anger that it’s almost overwhelming. “I want to be the one to do it.” His eyes grow wide as he looks at me. Amy took so much from me when I was willing to risk everything to save her. She sacrificed me to someone she knew would probably kill me, then moved on with her life. She seemed so happy the day I saw her. She robbed me of my happiness. Not only that, but she robbed me if my child.

“Lucy, you need to understand what something like this could do to you.” His voice is soft.

“It can’t cause more damage than she already caused me. I need this to heal. To move on.”

I’m begging him.

If I have any chance at recovery, this is it.

I will never be the same.

Maybe I have a chance to be normal though.