Cosmo (15 page)

Vegas!
Pierre thinks.
This isn't the end!

He thinks that this is not an ending.

That this is not an ending.

 

Clare Davidson, 52. Brian Guay, 56. David Lemay, 45. Harry Schoenmakers, 44.

FRANKIE+HILARY+ROMEO+ABIGAIL+HELEN:
AN INTERMISSION

 

 

 

B
y Frankie, I mean, of course, Francisco James Muñiz IV (1985– ), son of Francisco ‘Frank-a-hey-ho' Benjamin Eugene-Wallace Tyler Muñiz III (a Cuban-born restaurant owner of Puerto Rican descent), and Denise (ex-nurse of mixed Irish and Italian heritage), now divorced. The particular Frankie who, after watching his older sister Christina's sterling performance in her Knightdale, North Carolina, high school musical, decided to pursue a career in acting, and who first got his chops as Tiny Tim in a local theatre production of
A Christmas Carol
. The home-schooled Frankie who slogged through several no-budget productions (
The Sound of Music
,
The Wizard of Oz
, etc.) and commercials and made-for-
TV
movies (e.g.,
To Dance with Olivia
, 1997, starring Louis [or Lou] Gossett, Jr.) until his role in the David Spade/Sophie Marceau romantic comedy
Lost & Found
(1999), which, though roundly panned by critics, raised him in the eyes of Hollywood casting agents and facilitated his first big splash at the awkward age of fourteen in the Fox sitcom
Malcolm in the Middle
, a mid-season replacement in which Frankie played the eponymous leading character with such aplomb and earnestness that he was nominated for Golden Globe Awards in 2000 and 2001, an Emmy Award in 2001, and was awarded the
Hollywood Reporter
YoungStar Award for his overall performance in the series.
Malcolm in the Middle
being the long-running comedy series detailing the antics of a middle-class family modelled after a sort of ‘dysfunctional American post-nuclear' (perhaps best epitomized by
The Simpsons
), lauded and known to push specific target-audience envelope thresholds and known as the vehicle that enabled Frankie to star in several feature-film productions through the early to mid-2000s, such as
My Dog Skip
(2000),
Dr. Dolittle 2
(2001),
Big Fat Liar
(2002, matched with actress Amanda Bynes),
Agent Cody Banks
(2003, alongside actress, singer and activist Hilary Duff),
Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London
(2004) and
Racing Stripes
(2005, voice only), as well as to make numerous cameo appearances, such as in the films
Stuck on You
(2003),
Stay Alive
(2006) and
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
(2007). The Frankie who, over the last few years, has been transitioning out of traditional Hollywood acting roles, experimenting with various producing gigs (for example, producing in 2006 the film
Choose Your Own Adventure: The Abominable Snowman
, an interactive animated feature based on the popular ‘Choose Your Own Adventure' novels, for which he also provided voice-acting alongside actors William H. Macy and Lacey Chabert) and expressing a desire in print and online media to do some ‘growing up' outside the limelight. The Frankie who has decided of late to pursue an exciting and rewarding career as a professional race-car driver (ever since gaining his driver's licence in 2001, Frankie has been consumed with a powerful love of driving and of cars [no doubt influenced by his father, Frank-a-hey-ho, who similarly indulges in car adoration but has publicly expressed fears regarding Frankie's safety behind the wheel] – a love which has led to the purchase of several exorbitantly expensive automobiles [a total of nine in Frankie's first year of licenced driving], such as the white 1995 Volkswagen Jetta from the film
The Fast and the Furious
[2001], a 2002 Cadillac Escalade previously owned by Penny Hardaway of the New York Knicks and a 1950s Porsche Speedster). The Frankie who, after more or less committing himself to the sport, took first prize in the 2005 Pro/Celebrity Race at the Long Beach Grand Prix and promptly signed a two-year contract with Jensen Motorsport, allowing him to race between the years 2006 and 2008 in the Formula
BMW
U.S.A. Championship, the Champ Car Atlantic Series (including the Las Vegas Grand Prix), the Sebring Winter National
SCCA
race, and drive for the
PCM/USR
team, finishing in the top ten in three races and completing the 2008 season in eleventh place (also bringing home the 2008 Jovy Marcelo Sportsmanship Award for his gracious and honourable conduct during the year's competitions). The particular Frankie who, in 2005, was briefly engaged to hairdresser Jamie Gandy (a woman who bears a passing resemblance to Frankie's ex-co-star Hilary Duff and whom he met on the set of the film
Stay Alive
) – an engagement that was swiftly called off due (in part) to Frankie's hectic racing and travelling schedule, which left him a grand total of only forty days at home in 2007. The Frankie who is also currently engaged to Hollywood unknown Elycia Turnbow, aka Elycia Marie (a five-foot-four vintage clothing store-owner [standing one inch shorter than Frankie] tagged by many bloggers as ‘super hot') who, in early 2011, reputedly assaulted Frankie and damaged numerous expensive artworks and pieces of furniture around his mansion in Phoenix, according to a 911 dispatch call made by Frankie himself, who was reputedly embroiled in such relationship stress and drama that he was pushed to hold a pistol to his head and threaten to commit suicide. The resilient Frankie who is currently mending his relationship with Turnbow/Marie and denying any ongoing suicidal urges, and who, among other appearances and racing projects, is currently playing drums for the rather middle-of-the-road, radio-friendly rock band You Hang Up.

And by Hilary Duff, I mean, of course, Hilary Erhard Duff (1987– ), daughter of Robert (Bob) Erhard Duff (owner of many successful convenience stores) and Susan Colleen (née Cobb, homemaker turned film producer and Hollywood manager), now divorced. The precise Hilary who was born in the dry September heat of Houston, Texas, and – like Francisco James Muñiz before her – was home-schooled from the third grade onward and introduced to acting via various theatre productions at age six (along with her older sister, Haylie Katherine Duff, also an actress and musician of considerable fame and two years Hilary's senior). The singular Hilary who leapt from acting school to local theatre productions (most notably in a production of
The Nutcracker Suit
e in San Antonio) to a move to California with her mother and Haylie Katherine (while Bob Duff lingered in Texas) to television commercials and small roles in
TV
series such as
Chicago Hope
or the miniseries
True Women
(1997, uncredited) to her first leading role in the critically condemned, direct-to-video snore-fest
Casper Meets Wendy
(1998), the ill-fated sequel to 1995's
Casper
, which starred Bill Pullman and a young Christina Ricci. The Hilary who endured the loss of a role in the ill-fated
NBC
sitcom
Daddio
, which shook the foundations of her preteen confidence and sent her spiralling into a depression related to feelings of inadequacy and failure and terrified envy of her older sister and guilt at the beseeching of her mother to move from Texas to California, which presumably helped tear the Duff family asunder and contribute to the elder Duffs' eventual divorce – directly caused by Bob Duff's illicit affair – in 2006 (believed to be described in certain of Hilary's later songs, such as ‘Gypsy Woman' and ‘Stranger'). The specific Hilary who broke through to stardom as the eponymous heroine in the television series
Lizzie McGuire
(2001–2004, originally airing on the Walt Disney Channel), a children's broadcast recounting the exploits of a young girl with geeky parents and supportive, eccentric friends who on occasion morphed into a cartoon character (known as Animated Lizzie) in order to address the audience in fourth-wall-breaking digressions and asides revealing McGuire's
real
feelings, not unlike the audience-addressing function of a Greek chorus. And while
Lizzie McGuire
drew roughly 2.3 million viewers per episode, won Favorite
TV
Show at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in 2002 and 2003, won Hilary the Favorite
TV
Star at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Australia in 2004 and garnered numerous successful merchandise endorsements (such as
Lizzie McGuire
Happy Meal
CD-ROM
s, Dakin toys and plush dolls, and
TOKYOPOP
cine-manga spinoffs, etc.) collectively earning the Walt Disney Corporation over $100 million, it wasn't until Hilary reprised her role as Lizzie in
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(2003) that she really ‘blew up' (though some might argue persuasively that her role in
Agent Cody Banks
[2003], alongside Frankie Muñiz, was the true catapulting vehicle of her cinematic career). In line with her previous efforts,
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
was near-universally disliked by critics, who associated her promotion of Lizzie with other celebrity ‘cash-in' ventures, such as Britney Spears's disastrous but image-­reinforcing performance in
Crossroads
(2002). The certain Hilary whose subsequent films fared considerably worse, both financially and critically, than her earlier efforts – such films including perfect flops such as
A Cinderella Story
(2004),
Raise Your Voice
(2004),
Cheaper by the Dozen 2
(2005),
The Perfect Man
(2005) and
Material Girls
(2006), all of which earned her Razzie nominations for Worst Actress in their respective years. The Hilary who, in 2008,
declined
a major role in the
CW
Network's
90210
remake series because of a desire to edge away from the tween-to-teen market, similar to Frankie's stated interest in pursuing non-­traditional film involvements; strangely, Duff appeared the following year on the highly successful
CW
television show
Gossip Girl
(2007–present), apparently prepared to embrace whatever pigeonholed ‘teen' actress roles came her way, or to at least linger in the hyperactive pastels of the genre for as long as possible. The Hilary whose film career, at least since 2008, has significantly declined (both in terms of frequency of appearance and visibility of roles), with the Charlie Sheen–co-produced non-event
She Wants Me
, released in April 2012, being her most recent film credit, receiving a score of 3.7/10 on
IMD
b and no reviews or rankings on Rotten Tomatoes. But this is also the Hilary Duff who electrified young audiences and certain older men with her successful singing career, debuting in 2002 with a cover track on the
Lizzie McGuire
soundtrack and a song written for a compilation album entitled
Disneymania
, followed by the full-length Christmas album
Santa Claus Lane
: a certified-gold
CD
that featured duets with sister Haylie, rapper Lil' Romeo, singer Christina Milian and other mid-2000s sensations. The Hilary who, in 2003, launched
Metamorphosis
, the pretentious-sounding sophomore album that nevertheless went on to become certified quadruple-platinum, sell out arenas across the world on its tour and boast the singles ‘Come Clean' and ‘So Yesterday' – songs of adolescent confusion, romantic freedom and simplistic, almost nursery-rhyme melodies that reduced tweenage girls to a kind of synthetic, fantasy-world mush. The Hilary who followed up
Metamorphosis
in the next year with
Hilary Duff
, a collection of original tracks that was immediately followed in 2005 by
Most Wanted
, a compilation album that went platinum a month after its release, featuring the catchy and inoffensive, Good Charlotte–written single ‘Wake Up,' which was supported by a music video of Duff attending parties around the world, clearly demarcating a line between her earlier, tepid child-pop and this new, more danceable, more mature sound. This was further expanded upon in her following album,
Dignity
, released in 2007, which pushed her personal image into more vixen-like territory and that expanded her musical repertoire with a more committedly dance-hall, electropop and New Wave sound (even earning mixed-to-positive reviews from major album-reviewing publications, to the surprise of just about everybody). The Hilary who, after the 2008 release of
Best of Hilary Duff
, mentioned via Twitter and her own website that she was back to recording another album, stating that she was ‘going to mess around in the studio and work on some music.' The entrepreneurial Hilary who also founded the preteen-targeted clothing (and jewellery and fragrance and furniture) brand Stuff by Hilary Duff in 2004, which sold at fluorescent-lit, headachy chain stores such as Kmart, Zellers and Target before fizzling out in 2008. The Hilary who fearlessly entered the women's fragrance market in 2006 with With Love … Hilary Duff, the perfume that boasted hints of mangosteen fruit, cocobolo wood, amber milk and musk, which was followed by Hilary's second perfume, Wrapped With Love, a fragrance sparkling with a wider array of fruits, flowers and musk-based scents, including mandarin, honeydew and white lily. The Hilary who, having witnessed the demise of Stuff by Hilary Duff, partnered with
DKNY
to promote Femme for
DKNY
Jeans, a line of women's clothing that took inspiration from trendsetting New York fashion icons (jeans ranging in price from $39 to $129), and that was supported by a series of videos called
The Chase
, filmed in various European cities and uploaded in serial fashion as a seven-part miniseries to Duff's official YouTube channel (the first video receiving 22,000 views in its first week of publication). The ever-ambitious Hilary who also co-authored (with Elise Allen) the
New York Times
–bestselling book
Elixir
, a young-adult novel that received overwhelmingly positive reviews to the surprise of absolutely no one in the world and spawned its sequel, Devoted, also co-authored by Elise Allen, which continued the paranormal story of Sage and Clea and the Elixir itself (for Hilary has insisted upon her love of reading, having publicly praised other recent top-selling books such as
The Hunger Games
by Suzanne Collins,
The Pact
by Jodi Picoult,
Water for Elephants
by Sara Gruen and
Eclipse
by Stephenie Meyer of
Twilight
fame). The philanthropic Hilary whose generous financial donations and personal appearances and endorsements have assisted with numerous premier charities, such as the Think Before You Speak campaign, Kids with a Cause, the Audrey Hepburn Children's Fund and more, including generous work with Hurricane Katrina relief, animal rights and
LGBT
organizations. The Hilary who is known to have dated Aaron Charles Carter, pop and hip-hop singer (with adolescent-friendly lyrics similar to those of early Lil' Bow Wow or Lil' Romeo) and younger brother of Nickolas Gene Carter of Backstreet Boys fame in the synth-rich, McWorld years between 2001 and 2003, before dating Joel Rueben Madden, vocalist for the pop-punk band Good Charlotte (now on hiatus), between the years 2004 and 2006 (Madden being twenty-five and Hilary being sixteen at the beginning of their relationship, to the genuine and legitimate concern of many well-meaning observers). The Hilary who, on August 14, 2010, in Santa Barbara, California, married the Edmonton-born, now-retired
NHL
centre iceman Mike Comrie, with whom she has now mothered her first son – Luca Cruz Comrie, born on March 20, 2012, weighing in at seven pounds, six ounces.