Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (64 page)

Our beliefs birth our behaviors. The messages we received in childhood—especially those regarding our worth, relationships, and sexuality—formed our beliefs. These beliefs are powerful, and from them come all our priorities, choices, habits, and our addictions.

Everyone has three inner needs: love, significance, and security.
²
If in your childhood these God-given needs were unmet, your beliefs reflect a painful lack of nurturing, and you attempt to fill the void. The sex addict believes that sexual passion is comforting and nurturing and that a sexual experience will meet those needs. Because people are not dependable, the addict does not risk a relationship with
a person
, but enters into a relationship with
passion
. People and things are merely the stimuli used. Because the desire of those who are addicted is passion, their relationship is with passion.

In every addict’s mind a sexual time bomb threatens to destroy both the body and soul. With the right combination, you can save yourself if you break the code.

The mind of every addict is locked by faulty beliefs: what you think about your value, your relationships, and your sexuality. If your thinking is faulty, your findings are faulty, and then the way you function becomes faulty.

You must reprogram your mind with the right code. Every day for twelve weeks, read these life-changing truths, and pray for God to open your heart.

“The truth will set you free”

(J
OHN
8:32).

False Belief:
“I am unlovable. Sex gives me the feeling of being loved.”

True Belief:
You are loved; God loves you.

— Jesus loved you enough to die on the cross for you (John 3:16).

— Your heavenly Father loved you enough to adopt you into His family (1 John 3:1).

Conclusion:

Sex is not love, love is not sex—sex is sex. Love is a commitment seeking the highest and best for another person. Because God loves you in this way, He will give you the ability to develop other loving relationships in which sex is not a substitute for love (1 Corinthians 13:5).

False belief:
“I am unworthy. Sex makes me feel significant.”

True belief:
You already have worth; God has established your worth.

— God created you. Therefore, you have worth (Psalm 139:13).

— If you are a Christian, you have worth because Christ lives in you (Colossians 1:27).

Conclusion:

Sex does not give you significance. You are significant because Jesus Himself is in you and imparts His power to you. He is your source of power and significance (2 Peter 1:3).

False belief:
“I am unwanted. Sex numbs the pain of my insecurity.”

True belief:
You are wanted; the Lord wants you.

— The Lord wants to be your Shepherd throughout your life (Psalm 23:1).

— The Lord wants to walk with you throughout your life (Isaiah 43:2).

Conclusion:

Sex does not give you security. True security is found only in a love relationship with the Lord. This security can never be taken away from you (Deuteronomy 31:8).

Don’t focus
on the negative.

Every time you focus on quitting an obsession, you want it all the more. Living under moral law never changes you. If you focus only on what you shouldn’t do, you will be pulled more powerfully to do it.

— “I need to quit thinking about sex.”

— “I won’t rent X-rated movies.”

— “I shouldn’t call the sex line.”

(1 Corinthians 15:56)

Focus
on the positive.

— A New Purpose

“I want to reflect the character of Christ through what I see and do”

(R
OMANS
8:29).

— A New Priority

“I will do whatever it takes to have a pure heart and a transformed life”

(R
OMANS
12:2).

— A New Plan

“I will rely on Christ’s strength, and not on my own”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:13).

When you trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you receive a new identity. You are not just a creation of God, but a child of God. You are
“
set apart,” you are in His family, you receive His nature, and you are to reflect His character. Your path is diverted from death to life. Because sexual sin doesn’t reflect Christ accurately, you can be assured He has already provided a way out for you. The following steps will help lift you from the self-destructive ditch of addiction and place you on the Road of Transformation, where
real
fulfillment and freedom await you.

Decide
you really want to be set free.

— “Am I ready to take responsibility for my addiction?”

— “Am I sick and tired of being in this bondage?”

— “Am I willing to go to war in order to win?”

(1 Peter 1:13)

Dispel
the myth you don’t need help.

— “I admit I’m out of control.”

— “I admit my sexual addiction is sin.”

— “I admit I can’t change myself.”

(Psalm 51:10)

Deal
with the secret of child abuse (some say over 80 percent of addicts were sexually abused, over 90 percent were emotionally abused).

— Talk with a friend and let go of the secret.

— Talk to a counselor to understand abuse issues.

— Talk to the perpetrator in a safe place—confrontation is biblical.

(Matthew 18:15-16)

Discern
the inner need you have tried to satisfy through sexual passion.

— Your need for sacrificial love

— Your need for significance

— Your need for security

(Psalm 51:6)

Determine
to let Jesus meet your needs.

— Ask Him to forgive you for your willful sin.

— Ask Him to come into your life as your personal Lord and Savior.

— Ask Him to meet your deepest inner needs.

(Philippians 4:19)

Dedicate
your life to the Lord Jesus.

— Let His will be your will.

— Let the Lord be Lord of your life.

— Let Christ have absolute control.

(Luke 9:23-24)

Whatever God calls you to do, He will equip you to do. When God calls you to avoid sexual immorality, He enables you to do it. You don’t have to live as a prisoner of past defeat. Claim your high calling on the pathway to P-U-R-I-T-Y:

P
Participate in an accountability group dealing with sex addictions.

— Meet regularly and talk specifically each week.

— Set realistic guidelines and goals.

— Admit each time you slip.

(Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

U
Uphold boundary lines that must be off-limits.

— With the help of an accountability partner, make a list of times in your daily routine—places in your home, in the community, or on the Internet—during which you are tempted.

— With your accountability partner, establish ways of breaking routines and setting boundaries (such as installing monitoring software on your computer or changing schedules) to avoid tempting situations.

— Establish a regular pattern of accountability by giving your partner permission to ask you about your behavior, and when necessary, make further changes in your routine to avoid temptation.

(Proverbs 27:12)

R
Rid yourself, your home, and your workplace of all sexually addictive items.

— Throw away all pornography.

— Clear away all erotic paraphernalia.

— Discard addresses and calling cards of all sexual contacts.

(Isaiah 1:16-17)

I
Incorporate the power of Christ daily when temptation overwhelms you.

— “Lord, I’m relying on You to be my Redeemer.”

— “Lord, I’m depending on You to be my Deliverer.”

— “Lord, in my weakness I need Your strength.”

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

T
Take on positive habits of discipline, such as exercise, sports, regular sleep, new hobbies.

— Make a to-do list of healthy activities you enjoy.

— When you are tempted, choose to do one item that’s on the list.

— Write a letter, call a friend, or help someone in need.

(Proverbs 10:17)

Y
Yield your mind to meditating on and memorizing Scripture.

— Read a chapter from the New Testament each day.

— Read Romans chapter 6 once a week.

— Read Colossians 3:1-5 each day, and memorize Philippians 4:8-9.

(James 1:21)

The Lord would never tell you to stop lusting without giving you the power to stop. The starting point for victory is realizing that when a sexual thought flashes into your mind, you must redirect that thought or replace it. You are the only one who controls how long you entertain a thought. Make a covenant to not allow an immoral thought to reside in your heart.

(Job 31:1)

Make a commitment to Christ not to dwell on an impure thought. Make a covenant with Christ to live with purity in your heart.

—JH

1 Thessalonians 4:3,7

Matthew 5:28

Job 31:1

Colossians 3:5

Psalm 25:15

Galatians 6:7-8

1 Corinthians 10:13

Romans 12:2

Philippians 4:8

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Adultery, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Dating, Forgiveness, Guilt, Habits, Homosexuality, Hope, Identity, Lying, Manipulation, Marriage, Premarital Counseling, Rape Recovery, Rejection, Self-worth, Sexual Integrity, Singleness, Victimization
.