Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (9 page)

Is it a sin for a person to be angry?
No, the initial feeling of anger is a God-given emotion. The way you
express
this emotion determines whether your anger becomes sin. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.”

How can a person keep from feeling guilty when he is angry?
²
Your anger is a signal that something is wrong. The purpose of the red warning light on a car dashboard is to propel you into action—to cause you to stop, evaluate, and do what is needed. For example, Jesus became angry at the hypocritical religious leaders who interpreted “resting on the Sabbath” to excess: “He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand’…and his hand was completely restored” (Mark 3:5).

Hurt
³
—Your heart is wounded. Everyone has a God-given inner need for unconditional love.
⁴
When you experience rejection or emotional pain of any kind, anger can become a protective wall that keeps people and pain away.

Injustice
⁵
—Your right is violated. Everyone has an inner moral code that produces a sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, just and unjust. When you perceive that an injustice has occurred against you or others (especially those whom you love), you may feel angry. If you hold on to the offense, the unresolved anger can begin to make a home in your heart.

Fear
⁶
—Your future is threatened. Everyone is created with a God-given inner need for security.
⁷
When you begin to worry, feel threatened, or get angry because of a change in circumstances, you may be responding to fear. A fearful heart reveals a lack of trust in God’s perfect plan for your life.

Frustration
⁸
—Your effort is unsuccessful. Everyone has a God-given need for significance.
⁹
When your efforts are thwarted or do not meet your own personal expectations, your sense of significance can be threatened. Frustration over unmet expectations of yourself or of others is a major source of anger.

When we feel that our real or perceived rights have been violated, we can easily respond with anger.
¹⁰

“Based on what I believe is fair, I have the right to be angry about my disappointments and to stay angry for as long as I feel like it. I have the right to express my anger in whatever way is natural for me.”

“Because the Lord is sovereign over me and I trust Him with my life, I have yielded my rights to Him. My human disappointments are now God’s appointments to increase my faith and develop His character in me. I choose to not be controlled by anger, but to use anger to motivate me to do whatever God wants me to do” (see 1 Peter 1:6-7).

Unresolved anger is a bed of hidden coals burning deep wounds into your relationships with God and with others. This powerful emotion robs your heart of peace and steals contentment from your spirit. So how is this anger resolved?
¹¹

— Willingly admit that you have unresolved anger.

— Ask God to reveal any anger buried in your heart.

— Seek to determine the primary reason(s) for your past anger.

— Talk out your anger with God and with a friend or counselor.

(Proverbs 21:2)

— Did you feel
hurt
(rejected, betrayed, unloved, ignored)?

— Did you experience
injustice
(cheated, wronged, maligned, attacked)?

— Did you feel
fearful
(threatened, insecure, out of control, powerless)?

— Did you feel
frustrated
(inadequate, inferior, hindered, controlled)?

(Psalm 139:23-24)

— Confess that harboring anger in your heart is sin.

— Give your desire for revenge to God.

— Refuse to hold on to your past hurts by releasing them to God.

— Pray for God to work in the life of the one who has wronged you and to change your heart toward that person.

— Release the one who hurt you into the hands of God—forgive as God forgave you!

(Colossians 3:13)

— Thank God for the ways He will use this trial in your life.

— Know that God can use your resolved past anger for your good and for the good of those around you.

— Praise God for His commitment to use all the circumstances in your life to develop Christ’s character within you, making you strong, firm, and steadfast.

(Romans 8:28-29)

Forgiveness looks at the offense; reconciliation looks at the relationship. Forgiveness can be done without the other person changing, but reconciliation requires trust to be rebuilt by both. When there is refusal to admit sin, reconciliation cannot happen. In the case of infidelity in marriage, the innocent party can forgive, but full restoration requires the adultery to stop. Spousal abuse can be forgiven, but it must stop before there can be reconciliation. The anger fueling an abusive attitude does not develop quickly and it will not dissipate immediately. Do not force reconciliation until there is truly a change of heart by the offender.

(2 Corinthians 5:20)

“Anger is one letter short of danger.” More than a catchy phrase, these words reflect the painful truth. And because too many times the tongue has not been tamed, conversations escalate out of control. These steps will help you learn to handle your anger constructively and biblically.

As you follow these eight guideposts down the path of peace, soon you’ll be on the Road to Transformation, with fertile ground for new growth at every turn.

— Be willing to admit you are angry.

— Be aware of when you feel angry.

— Become aware of suppressing or repressing your anger because of fear.

— Be willing to take responsibility for any inappropriate anger.

(Proverbs 28:13)

— How often do you feel angry?

— How do you know when you are angry?

— How do others know when you are angry?

— How do you release your anger?

(Psalm 139:23-24)

— Hurt, injustice, fear, frustration (see page 52)

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place”

(P
SALM
51:6).

— Are you expecting others to meet your standards?

“She
should
take better care of her children.”

“He
ought
to notice what I do for him.”

“He
must
be here before 7:00
P.M.
”

“She’d
better not
call during dinner!”

— Are you guilty of distorted thinking?

Exaggerating
the situation

Assuming
the worst

Labeling
one action based on other actions

Generalizing
by saying, “You never…” or “You always…”

(Proverbs 21:29)

Anger is often used as a tactic to get inner needs met.

— Do you use anger as a manipulative ploy to demand certain “musts” in an attempt to
feel loved
?

— Do you use explosive anger to get your way in an attempt to
feel significant
?

— Do you use controlling anger, insisting on certain conditions in order to
feel secure
?

— Do you know that only Christ can ultimately meet all your needs?

(Philippians 4:19)

Instead of demanding that others meet your inner needs for love, significance, and security, learn to look to the Lord to meet your needs.

— “Lord, though I would like to feel more
love
from others, I know that You love me unconditionally.”

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness”

(J
EREMIAH
31:3).

— “Lord, though I would like to feel more
significant
to those around me, I know that I am significant in Your eyes.”

“‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the
L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’”

(J
EREMIAH
29:11).

— “Lord, though I wish I felt more
secure
in my relationships, I know I am secure in my relationship with You.”

“The L
ORD
is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

(P
SALM
118:6).

— “Lord, though I wish others would be more responsive to my needs, I know that You have promised to meet all my needs.”

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness”

(2 P
ETER
1:3).

Take the following steps, which are outlined in Philippians 2:2-8:

— Have the goal to be like-minded with Christ.

— Do not think of yourself first.