Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (4 page)

— Ask for the earliest memories of that habit.

“When was the first time you remember lying? What caused you to lie back then?”

“If I upset Dad he would hurt my Mom, so I would lie to keep him from getting angry.”

— Encourage further talk.

“Could you tell me more?”

“He would threaten divorce…”

“Go on…”

“He’d take everything…”

“M-m-m…”

“…leaving us with nothing.”

— Primarily ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with yes or no.

“David, when are you most tempted to lie today?”

“When someone could become upset with me.”

— Explore the impact of significant people (such as parents, siblings, other relatives, friends).

“What messages did you receive about you from what your father said and did?”

“It’s like he said, ‘You’re nothing. You’re a zero.’”

“How did that make you feel?”

4. Pose the Question, Why Do We Do What We Don’t Want to Do?

Those who are stuck in the ditch of negative habits (such as lying) can lose all hope of personal change. They don’t know
what
to do, much less
why
they do what they do. The apostle Paul expressed what we have all experienced: “What I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).

We have all been created with three God-given inner needs: love, significance, and security:

Love
—
to know that someone is unconditionally committed to our best interest (John 15:12)

Significance
—
to know that our lives have meaning and purpose (Psalm 57:2)

Security
—
to feel accepted and have a sense of belonging (Proverbs 14:26)

At the heart of our negative behavior is an attempt to get our legitimate needs met in illegitimate ways. The Bible calls this sin. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

5. Present the Ultimate Need-meeter

Why did God give us these deep inner needs, knowing that “people fail people”? (For example, some parents are harsh, cruel, and abusive.) While every person has been
created
with these three inner needs, no person is
able
to meet our three needs.
²
Realize that if one person
could
meet all our needs, we wouldn’t need God!

The Lord planned that
He would be our Need-meeter
. The apostle Paul revealed this truth by exclaiming, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” Then he answered his own question in a strong way: “Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25).

All along, the Lord planned to meet our deepest needs for…

Love
—He says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).

Significance
—He says, “I know the plans I have for you…plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Security
—He says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

Sometimes the Lord will meet certain needs by Himself, and other times He will use other people as an extension of His care and compassion.

You can be pulled out of any ditch, any negative pattern keeping you from being all God created you to be. How? Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the
pattern
of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind
.” Therefore, with a renewed mind, you can be set free. John 8:32 says, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Here is the path to becoming F-R-E-E:

F
—Face the truth of your own negative habit.

Pray Psalm 139:23: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

Evaluate:
Focus on or write down your area of struggle: “My biggest struggle has been lying.”

R
—Recognize the inner need(s) you are trying to meet through this negative habit.

Are you trying to meet your own need for
love
, or
significance
, or
security
, or a combination of these?

Psalm 51:6 says, “Surely you [God] desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

Evaluate:
Do you make up stories to impress people because you feel
insignificant
? Or do you lie when you are afraid because you feel
insecure
? “I lie because I feel insecure.”

E
—Exchange trying to meet your own need for allowing Christ to meet that need.

Philippians 4:19 makes it plain: “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

Solution:
“Jesus is my security. People were angry with Jesus, yet He was totally truthful—so if someone gets angry with me, I can be totally truthful. He is the Way, the TRUTH, the Life. I will replace my fear with faith because I have the TRUTH inside me.”

E
—Experience Christ’s inner strength as your source for change.

Claim Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Solution:
“Instead of relying on my lies to ‘keep the peace,’ I will rely on Christ’s power to tell the truth. That, in turn, will produce inner peace. I will live with a new plan through His power. I will be a person of honesty, integrity, and truth.”

When dealing with a person’s negative habit, turn to the topical chapter addressing that problem and learn how to pull that person out of the ditch and guide that struggler down a step-by-step path leading to the Road to Transformation. See the table of contents for all the topics. By the way, before you can effectively guide others down their individual paths, first you need to apply the preceding steps to your own life—choosing the area(s) where you have personally struggled.

In the power of Christ,
we all can change
—we all can be
transformed
to be like Christ because Colossians 1:27 says it is “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” He is our hope of freedom—for, “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).

As a Christian giving or receiving counsel, you have the most awesome resource available: the presence of Christ living in you, the power of Christ working through you, the character of Christ reflected by you (1 Corinthians 3:16; 2 Peter 1:3; Romans 8:29).

—JH

John 14:26

Isaiah 59:2

Proverbs 3:5-6

Hebrews 4:12

Galatians 2:20

1 Samuel 12:23

2 Peter 1:3

2 Corinthians 13:5

Psalm 51:5

Psalm 119:11

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Codependency, Crisis Intervention, Critical Spirit, Decision Making, Forgiveness, Hope, Identity, Marriage, Premarital Counseling, Reconciliation, Salvation, Suicide Prevention
and other related topics.

T
hose who have had an abortion are often weighed down by deep hurt and intense shame. Their “ditch” is deep and wide, as they struggle with a host of issues such as guilt, anxiety from grief and guilt, to depression or even suicidal thoughts and the hope of developing healthy emotional and sexual relationships. Understanding and accepting God’s truth may not come quickly for these wounded women—and even men—crippled by the pain of past destructive choices. They need someone compassionate to help them through their pain in order to receive the healing God offers. No sin is so great that the sinner cannot be made right and brought into close relationship with God. Psalm 34:18 says…

“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Abortion often leads to serious, though sometimes delayed, emotional consequences. Post Abortion Stress (PAS) is a traumatic stress disorder that many experience after an abortion. A woman suffering from PAS may find she is unable to…
²

— process her painful thoughts and emotions involving the abortion

— grieve the loss of her baby

— be at peace with God and those involved in the abortion decision

— realize and accept her God-given worth

“My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear”

(P
SALM
38:4).

There are four stages a woman generally experiences following an abortion.
³
Each provides an opportunity to either become further entrenched or to reach up for God’s hand of grace. Therefore, her decisions during these stages either lead further into bondage or closer to freedom.

Relief:
She feels relieved the “crisis” is over and the pressing problem has disappeared.

Rationalization:
This period of uncertainty occurs when the moral dilemma resurfaces, resulting in a mental rehearsing of logical explanations and excuses for having had the abortion.

— “I wouldn’t have been a good mother. It’s better that the baby wasn’t born.”

— “I may have been upset at the time, but I’m okay now.”

— “It’s legal…therefore, it is certainly okay.”

Repression:
The guilt and grief can seem so overwhelming that a woman can block the details and painful memories, even to the point she actually “forgets” she had an abortion.

— “That’s ridiculous. Why would my medical records indicate I had an abortion?”

Resentment:
Left unresolved, hidden or repressed anger results in bitterness that will greatly hinder a woman’s relationship with God and her interactions with others. Having consistently resisted God’s grace at each stage, she now experiences the “bitter root” warned against in Hebrews 12:15: “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hidden or repressed anger toward herself and those involved in the abortion results in depression and bitterness. If this anger is not dealt with, her relationship with God and her interaction with others become hindered.