Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (3 page)

I
need to…talk with you!” says the caller in a tense, hesitant voice. The words are spoken a bit haltingly. “I’m…I’m worried…I may lose someone I love. I want to be reconciled. Would you be willing…to help me?”

Your heart responds—you want to help. But how can you make sure your help is actually helpful? What if the “presenting problem” isn’t the
real
problem? For example, what if the real problem isn’t a lack of reconciliation, but a lack of truthfulness on the part of the one calling for help?

When people come to you for counsel, what are the basic principles and approaches you need to know to pull them out of the ditch and guide them onto the Road to Transformation? First, make a commitment that your counsel be biblical. The starting point is stated in 1 Kings 22:5: “First seek the counsel of the L
ORD
.”

Everyone has sincere opinions, but opinions aren’t always right. In fact, we’ve all been sincere…and been sincerely wrong! That is why you should ask, “What is my foundation for truth?” The Bible should be your foundation. If your thinking doesn’t line up with God’s thinking, then
change your thinking!
Isaiah 40:8 says, “The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.”

•
Counseling
is help and hope given by one knowledgeable person to another person or group. The counsel given can range from personal comfort and encouragement,
¹
with general advice and guidance, to a group crisis intervention. We are called by God not only to “carry each other’s burdens,” but also to “encourage one another and build each other up” (Galatians 6:2; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

•
Biblical counseling
means you rely on truths from the Word of God as you seek to give wise counsel. Hebrews 4:12 says, “The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

•
Christ-centered counseling
is giving advice, encouragement, and hope to others based on biblical truth while relying on Christ to provide the power for change. Second Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (
NKJV
).

If you are in a growing relationship with God, and…

— You have personally sought and received the comfort of God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

— You love Christ and care about the needs of others (Galatians 6:2).

— You accurately handle the Word of Truth (2 Timothy 2:15).

— You are called by God to counsel others (2 Corinthians 9:8; Hebrews 10:24-25).

The Lord says,

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you”

(P
SALM
32:8).

For your counseling to have maximum effectiveness, you must live in
total dependence
on Christ, seeking His will. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

With a heart of humility, realize:

1. The
solutions
are not your solutions (John 14:26).

2. The
self-sufficiency
you lean on should be replaced with
Christ-sufficiency
(John 15:5).

3. The
Spirit of Christ
is your counselor, enabling you to counsel with truth (John 16:13).

4. The
sinful
person should never be confronted with condemnation (1 Peter 3:15-16).

5. The
success
of your counseling is not dependent on your knowing all the answers (Proverbs 3:5-6).

6. The
Scriptures
will light the way as you help others walk out of darkness (Psalm 119:105).

7. The
secret
of victory over sin is relying on the power of the indwelling presence of Christ (Philippians 4:13).

The more you know God’s Word, the more you will know God’s will. When someone comes to you with a problem, first ask yourself,
Has God already spoken specifically about this in His Word? If so, what has He said? If not, is there a general biblical principle that needs to be considered?
The greater your dependence on the Word of God, the wiser you will be. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

As a biblical counselor who is sincerely serving Christ, you will want to:

— Help those who are off course get on a “correction course” to move toward wholeness and spiritual maturity. The Bible says, “If one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (James 5:19-20).

— Lead an unbeliever into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25).

— Present wisdom from God’s Word in order to enable strugglers to live in victory. “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).

Be wise in how you walk through the doors of opportunity God brings your way. You may spend many days, weeks, or months helping the heart of one in need, or you may sow only a few seeds in the life of someone who briefly crosses your path.

Pray regularly that God will direct both your words and actions. Colossians 4:5-6 says, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

1. Prepare the Physical Setting

— Provide a private, relaxing place to talk (safe for all parties involved).

— Eliminate distractions (radio, TV, music, other voices, or annoying noises).

— Prevent interruptions (hold phone calls, activate the answering machine, utilize a “Do Not Disturb” sign, place a notepad by the door for messages).

— Avoid physical barriers (don’t sit behind a desk unless you need to appear firmly authoritative to someone who is belligerent or abusive).

— Change lighting to reduce glare (adjust blinds, curtains, or overhead lights as needed).

— Keep counseling aids handy (Bible, paper, pen, and referral phone numbers).

— Place facial tissues and drinking water within reach (replenish prior to meeting).

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways”

(P
ROVERBS
14:8).

2. Promote Personal Nonverbal Nurture

— Smile upon greeting the person (a friendly face can disarm a fearful disposition).

— Shake hands or use another appropriate greeting (human touch conveys warmth and care).

— Situate chairs in close proximity (if at a 90-degree angle, turn your body to face the other person).

— Slant your body slightly forward (leaning forward signifies, “I’m interested in what you are saying”).

— Sustain good eye contact (refuse to be distracted—if necessary, move to another location).

— Show an occasional nod of the head (this simple movement signifies acceptance versus rejection).

— Stay open and approachable (don’t sit with arms folded or fists clenched. Folded arms signify, “I’m not convinced you want help”).

“A cheerful look brings joy to the heart”

(P
ROVERBS
15:30).

3. Probe for the
Real
Problem

How to Get Started

— Call the person by name—several times:

“Hi, David! Come on in.”

— Don’t engage in small talk. Off-the-subject comments delay getting to the point and may decrease the person’s willingness to be vulnerable.

— Ask a direct question…

“How can I help you?”
or
“What would you like us to talk about?”

Answer: “How can I get her to stay with me…to be reconciled?”

— Realize, the
presenting problem
(what someone
assumes
is the cause of the trouble) is
very often
not the
real problem
. If the real problem relates to a lack of trustworthiness due to a lack of truthfulness, probe with pertinent questions to gain insight and understanding.

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out”

(P
ROVERBS
20:5).

How to Probe into the Past

— Ask why the problem exists…

“What has she actually said is the reason for the trouble?”

“She says I lie.”

“Do you ever twist the truth?”

“Only sometimes.”

“Does she say this is a major problem?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be a man of integrity?”

“Yes.”

— Ask background questions regarding family, home, school, dating, work.

“David, what was it like growing up in your home?”

“We all walked on eggshells. Mother had a lot of fear.”

“What was your mother afraid of?”

— Listen to what is not shared. If one parent is not mentioned at all, ask about that parent.

“What was your relationship with your father?”

“He was cold and harsh.”