Count on Me (Bayview Heights Trilogy) (29 page)

“Yeah, but—”

“No buts. We missed the signs. We were too caught up in our own problems. We should have helped her.”

“Oh, so it’s Zoe’s fault, too?”

Kurt didn’t answer. He knew she felt the same grinding guilt that he did. He could see it every time he looked into her eyes.

Thoughts of those eyes, and what was still between him and her, weakened Kurt. He sank wearily into a chair. “I’m not backing off. So let’s find a way to do this.”

As Mitch and Hal exchanged frustrated glances, but began to brainstorm how to handle the situation, Kurt thought about Erica. She’d come to see him at Mitch’s—he’d refused to stay with Zoe—two days after the shooting. She’d crept into the guest room, small and fragile. Her father stood at the doorway, like a guard unwilling to let his charge out of his sight. It was about the only good thing that had come from this whole ordeal—Mr. Case’s realization of his daughter’s needs…

Erica’s eyes were sad. “Hi.”

Immediately he’d reached out to her. Stunned, she stared at his outstretched arm, then tears filled her eyes. “I don’t deserve this.” But she put her hand in his, anyway.

“Yes, Erica, you do.” He smiled. “Sit with me.

She perched on the edge of the chair. Head bent, she stared down at their clasped hands. Finally she faced him. “I know what you did for me.”

“Did?”

“You kept me...you stopped me from...” She bit her lip. “I would’ve used the gun on myself. You stopped me even though you didn’t know whether I’d shoot you again.”

Again Kurt smiled. “I knew I was safe.”

“You didn’t know that for sure at the time.”

“I had a pretty good idea, honey.”

She’d put her head down on the bed and cried then, big wrenching sobs that he knew were good for her, but only increased his guilt. Gently he stroked her hair. How had they let her get to this point?

His own feelings of remorse were mirrored on Jackson Case’s pained face when the man stepped into the room. Case had said simply, “Thank you, Dr. Lansing, for saving my little girl.”

Kurt nodded. He knew the father would be there now for his daughter...

The discussion finally ended. After more than one hour, Hal Stonehouse finally relented and agreed to reduce the charges against Erica. Kurt knew that without his testimony, there would be little chance of a conviction. This way, Erica’s lawyer would be able to plea bargain. Most likely she’d get probation, in-house drug rehabilitation and mandatory counseling.

“Let’s go, Kurt.”

He looked up at his brother.

“You should go home and rest. It’s only been a few days.”

He had no intention of resting, but he was going home. He needed to do some things before he left.

So he stood—thanked Hal Stonehouse for his concessions about Erica—and followed his brother out of the police station.

o0o

ZOE SAT AT HER DESK in her classroom trying to grade papers, but she couldn’t concentrate. She’d been unable to sleep or eat or do her schoolwork ever since the shooting. Throwing down her pen, she rose and went to stare out the window. It had started snowing, and the glass was icy with December weather.

Her last conversation with Kurt haunted her...

“It’s not your fault,” she’d told him once he was settled at Mitch’s. That he’d refused to come home with her had hurt, but she’d squelched it and concentrated on what
he
needed.

“Yes, it is. I missed the signs.”

“So did I.”

He shook his head. “And you feel guilty, too. Don’t tell me otherwise.” She started to protest, but he’d held up his hand. “Don’t say you don’t, Zoe. I can see it in your eyes. Hear it in your voice. We blew it with her.”

“So you want me to feel guilty?”

“No. I want you to work it out. Just like I will.”

“Together?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will we work this out together?”

“I don’t know. Look, I’m tired.”

“Kurt, we need to talk about this. We need to talk about
us
.”

“Not now. Later...”

That had been his mantra for the entire week, and Zoe had been beside herself with worry. Tracing her finger over the cold glass, she stared at the school parking lot. It was hard enough trying to deal with the kids here. The events of Thanksgiving weekend had rocked Bayview Heights High School to its core.

Counseling sessions had been set up, renewal of the Say No to Drugs efforts, and Seth was also meeting with topnotch counselors to create groups for kids like Erica who felt too much pressure, were depressed and didn’t know where to turn.

“Zoe?”

She pivoted, shocked to see Kurt in the doorway. “What are you doing here? Should you be out of bed?”

He nodded. “I’m fine.”

Feeling wobbly all of a sudden, she crossed to him and perched on top of a desk. She nodded to one next to her. “Well, at least sit down.”

He leaned against her desk, instead. “I can’t.” He checked his watch. “I’ve got a plane to catch.”

“What?”

“I’m going away for a while.”

“Going away? Where?”

“To help open that clinic in Puerto Rico.”

“I don’t understand.” But somewhere inside, she did. Ever since the shooting, Kurt had completely closed himself off from everybody. Especially her. Stalling for time, scrambling for something to say, she took in his navy sport coat and gray slacks, his arm still in a sling.

Well, she wasn’t giving up without a fight. She eased off the desk and stood. “How can you just leave like this?”

Reaching out his good arm, he placed his hand at her neck and clasped it gently. “Don’t you see, love? I can’t stay. I blew it with Erica. I missed all the signs, and she almost died.”

“You could have died.”

He ignored that. “I was too caught up in what was happening in my personal life. I let it distract me from my work.”

“The same is true for me.”

“I know, sweetheart. We both made mistakes. You should get some help dealing with your own feelings.”

“Stay, and we’ll get help together.”

“No.”

“Kurt, I lo—”

He silenced her with his fingers on her lips. “Don’t tell me that. You’re riding on adrenaline now. Your emotions are high. You don’t know how you feel.”

“Of course I do.”

He shook his head vehemently and stepped back. “I don’t want to hear it, Zoe. I don’t need to hear it.”

His words hurt. She tried again. “You need me, Kurt. I can help. We can help each other.”

“Nothing can change the facts. What I need is to go away. Do some good somewhere else. Clear my head.”

“What about the clinic here?”

“It’s closed until the court date is set and the plea bargain’s accepted. There’s no way the place will open before Christmas. If the town council allows it to open at all.” He scowled. “Louise has agreed to run things if it does open.”

Zoe’s throat felt as if it was filled with cotton candy. “After
Christmas
? How long will you be gone?”

“A couple of months, I think.”

“Oh, Kurt. Why are you doing this?”

“I need to get away.” Again he smiled sadly. “I’m not the man you think I am. You can’t count on me, Zoe. Like you’ve said so many times.”

“I was upset. I was figuring things out. I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“I know. But I’m figuring things out now. Let’s leave it at that.” He glanced at the clock behind her. “I’ve got to go.”

Tears clouded her eyes. “Please, Kurt, don’t leave.”

Grasping her chin, he brushed her lips with his. “I have to.”

He straightened and walked toward the door. Zoe watched helplessly, hoping he’d turn around, wishing for some sign of hesitancy, of doubt.

Because it never came, she let him go.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“WHY WE DOIN’ this semester wrap-up today, Ms. C?” Dan Caruso asked the question as he winked at Julia, who stood at the board, ready to write. The boy was slouched in a beanbag chair, more at ease than Zoe had ever seen him. “How come we aren’t waitin’ till tomorrow?”

Zoe smiled at Dan. “Oh, I don’t know. I thought maybe little elves might have planned something for the last day of the semester that could interfere with our closure.”

“There’s only one elf in this room, Ms. C,” Rob Mason said. “And we’re looking at her.” Rachel turned around and shushed him, then gave him a peck on the cheek.

“In any case,” Zoe said firmly, “let’s list the ways we grew this semester. Let’s talk about the things we learned.” She smiled at the group. “We’ve been through some pretty heavy stuff together in the past five months.”

A thoughtful silence. Then Shondra said, “I’ll start. I think we got our heads on straighter about what we want in life.”

“You can say that again.” This from Julia as she wrote the suggestion on the board.

“Yeah, can you see Jules as a psychologist?” Shelley asked. “I always thought she’d
play
Sigmund Freud, not
be
him.”

“Don’t let them tease you, Sabrina. Julliard’s loss is Binghamton’s gain.” This from Dan. Julia had indeed been accepted at the prestigious school, but had decided to study more than acting.

“Yeah, and it doesn’t hurt that Dan the Man’s going there, too,” Rob teased. He and Rachel were attending Geneseo together.

“Actually I’m not.” Dan smiled at Julia and she smiled back. “I’m staying here and takin’ courses at Teachers’ College in the city. I, um, want to be with my brother.”

As had been the case ever since Thanksgiving, Julia only had eyes for Dan. “I’ll just be a couple of hours away,” she said softly.

“Oh, jeez. Don’t let them get lovey-dovey on us.” This from Ashley. “Really, Jules—” she looked askance at her friend “—you
need
to join the Girls’ Concerns group. Ms. Sherman’s continuing it next semester.”

“Yeah, and Caruso can join the Guys’ Concerns Mr. McKenna’s running” This from Rob.

One of the ways the school was trying to reach all kids in all areas was by forming support groups during study-hall time and after school. So far they’d been successful, and Zoe had attended several sessions with the girls during January to help facilitate the group.

 Kurt would have been wonderful with the guys.

“Let’s continue the list,” she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

“I think we’re more honest,” Madison Kendrick put in.

In a surprise move that had been precipitated by Erica’s secrecy and the stress it caused, Madison had discussed openly what it felt like to be on the outside of a group like Caufield’s Chicks. The others had listened intently.

“You go, girl,” someone said, and they all laughed.

Shelley spoke. “I think we learned how to get along with adults better.” She rolled her eyes. “Even Bosco.”

“Bosco’s coming around,” Maddie said. “I’m working on him.”

Zoe had to laugh as she remembered Madison taking on Jerry Bosco at a board meeting. She’d boldly stood up to him about the health courses and Down to Earth. And for some reason Jerry had backed down. Madison confided later that she’d gone to see him at the town hall one day, too, and they’d actually talked for some time. Whatever they’d shared must have been good, because Bosco had been willing to visit some of the support-group sessions to experience firsthand what was going on with them.

And he’d stopped attacking the clinic after Mr. Case, Erica’s father, had had a talk with him and with the rest of the town council. It was tough to argue with Case when he contended that the clinic had saved his daughter’s life.

 Kurt would have been happy about that.

“My mom and I are making progress, too.” Shondra shrugged a little self-consciously. “You know, after Erica.”

“We can mention Erica,” Zoe said easily, though her heart tripped a little. “She’s been in to see us. And she might stop in at the end of class today to say goodbye.”

Erica had finished her mandatory in-hospital rehab and was now an outpatient at the clinic. She’d been assigned community service by the court as part of her probation and had more counseling sessions during the week.

“I’m glad she’s comin’ back to school,” Dan said.

“Me, too.” Zoe zeroed in on Shondra. “We’re happy things are better with your mom.”

Erica’s breakdown had affected many parents in the community, Shondra’s mother included. Zoe knew one of the hardest things Shondra had ever had to do was tell her mother about her own experience with uppers. And her mother had listened. It still made Zoe shudder to think of her girls experimenting with drugs. But no longer did she feel so guilty.

 Does Kurt?
she wondered for the hundredth time.

He was still in Puerto Rico with no plans to come home. She’d heard nothing from him, but the news from Lauren, who’d gone down for semester break, was that his shoulder had healed completely. Cassie and Mitch, who’d spent a week with him at Christmas, reported that he was feeling better about everything. People thought he’d come back when the clinic reopened at the first of the year, once again having the town council’s support, but he hadn’t.

The holidays had been a nightmare for Zoe. She’d gone home to Boston to be with her parents, who always unnerved her. When she’d bumped into her ex-husband at the country club and he’d wanted to talk about renewing their relationship, she flew back to Bayview Heights.

“Ms. C?”

Zoe looked up. “What’d you say, Shel?”

“I asked what good things you feel came out of the course. What you learned.”

 Forgiveness
, she thought ironically.
And that you shouldn’t waste second chances
. “I learned that you have to look below the surface, that you can’t take things for granted, and you can’t take the people in your life for granted.” She smiled. “We learned a lot about each other and ourselves this semester, didn’t we?”

The kids rumbled their agreement.

Glancing at the clock, Zoe said, “One more thing before you go.” She held up a packet of letters. “These are the twenty-four-hours-to-live letters that you wrote in October.” The class groaned. “I know, you’re different now, but you’ll want to look at them, anyway. I’ve saved time for you to talk about them with one another. Read them over, see if you still feel the same way about the person you wrote to and, if you want, give the letter to him or her.”