Counting Stars (A Donnelley Brother's Novel) (19 page)

“I’m so sorry, Logan.” I
pressed my knuckles against my lips. “I don’t know how to be what
you want.”

“
All I want is you, city girl.” He spoke against the
skin of my neck, pressing tiny kisses all over my upper back. “I
can wait for you, baby. I
will
wait for you to
heal and when your heart is ready, I’ll be here. All I’m asking for
is a fair shot.”

“At what?” My words were
shaky.

“Something real with
you.” He answered against the skin below my earlobe.

“What if I don’t heal?”
I asked quietly. “Ever?”

He sighed, pressing a
warm kiss beneath my ear. “You will, Reese. You already are
healing—you’re just not there yet. But you will be and when you
are, I’ll be here.”

Selfishly, I asked.
“Promise?”

His lips stretched into
a smile against my skin. Emotion was thick in his voice when he
spoke. “I promise, baby.” He kissed me again. “Close your eyes and
sleep, Reese. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

I sniffled, “You’re a
good man, Logan. A really good man.”

“You’re an amazing
woman, city girl.” I was pressed so tight to his chest that I could
feel his voice rumbling through his body. The steady vibration was
soothing. “There’s so much light inside of you and you don’t even
know it. You’ve chased away a darkness that’s lived inside of me
for too long, and one day, I hope you’ll allow me to stand beside
your light.”

I closed my eyes. “Thank
you, Logan. For being everything I needed and nothing like I
thought you would be.”

He chuckled. “That’s why
I like you, baby. You’re fresh and honest.” He tightened his arms
around me. “Sweet dreams, city girl.”

“Goodnight, Logan.”

My eyes are closed, but
I know the sun is high in the sky. I can see it through my
eyelids—the light streaming in through the tent. I’m wrapped in
Logan’s arms—just the way I was when I fell asleep. I’m certain
he’s awake. He keeps running his lips over the skin on the back of
my neck, pressing warm tiny kisses over the sensitive flesh. It
takes everything inside of me to keep the shivers I feel locked up
inside. I’m not ready to face the light of day after what happened
between us last night.

I feel horrible.

I honestly hadn’t known
Logan felt the way he did. That he wanted what he wanted—me. I knew
he desired me as a man desired a woman—but now I knew he wanted my
heart as well. And that was scary as all hell. Because the last man
I gave my heart to almost took it with him when he died. I didn’t
know if I was even capable of loving again. My heart had been so
violently shattered I feared it was nearly irreparable.

. . . I can’t believe
I’m talking to you, Derek. Right now, while I’m lying in another
man’s arms—I’m talking to you. How did I get here? To this place of
supermassive confusion? I feel so unbelievably lost and I don’t
know which direction to turn. I know I have feelings for Logan and
surprisingly I don’t feel guilty for them. I just feel lost and
afraid.

I know I’ve only known
him for a week, but this man is wonderful, Derek. He’s honest and
refreshing and so very smart. He has this solid strength about him
that I’m so drawn to. After losing you, I feel so impossibly weak.
I’m unsure of my every decision and I’m afraid of every miniscule
repercussion. Logan makes me feel safe when I’m uncertain. In him,
I’ve found something I didn’t even know I was looking
for—protection. I know I’m in no danger and I’m perfectly capable
of keeping myself safe, but Logan has given me back my ability to
smile and to laugh without feeling a shred of remorse or fear. He’s
given me strength to fight my battles and I truly believe, in the
deepest depths of my heart, that it’s because he’s standing here
beside me.

He’s a warrior I never
employed and I do believe, that after last night, he’d be willing
to fight to the death for me.

Please don’t feel hurt
by my needing him. I would hate for you to ever feel as though
you’re being replaced in my heart. You’re not. But somehow, I’ve
found room for Logan. And I hope you understand. I hope you want
this for me. I’m not saying I’m in love with him, but I am starting
to care for him—deeply.

Once upon a time, you
had all of me. You knew me inside and out and I knew you. But now
that you’re gone, I can’t help but ache for affection. I need human
contact to survive just as much as my lungs burn for air. I never
knew I needed this until Logan. But in him, I’ve found acceptance
in your absence. I know that sounds harsh. The thought alone makes
me feel as though I’m drowning, but it’s the truth. Logan has
breathed life into me where I never thought there would be life
again. I came here to heal from the loss of you in my existence and
I found him.

I’ve never really been a
big believer in fate, but what else could explain this?

Something brought me
here. Somehow, I knew this place would be where I would find new
life inside of my broken body. Somehow, I think I knew all along
that this is the only place on earth I would find the strength to
heal.

I have to believe that I
was always supposed to be here—with Logan. I have to believe that I
was always supposed to lose you, because the alternative is simply
unbearable. I have to believe, although I never have, that there is
such a thing as fate. I need to believe in something, Derek. I need
to believe in purpose . . .

Blinking the wetness
from my eyes, I felt Logan shift behind me.

“Good morning,
beautiful.” His deep voice was soft and soothing as he ran his warm
lips across the curve between my shoulder and neck. “How did you
sleep?”

“I slept wonderfully.”
That was the truth. I hadn’t slept so good since Derek shared my
bed. Not once had I woken in the night with tears beading on my
lashes, and the piercing pain in my heart hadn’t decided to beat me
down either, as it so often did, when I found myself in the dark of
the night. In Logan’s arms I had found peace.

“I’m glad to hear it.”
He pulled me tighter against his chest and I felt my heart swell.
It was a new kind of pain—a comfortable one.

“How did you sleep?” I
asked quietly, hesitantly.

“I’ve never slept
better.” He announced matter of fact. “I like using you as a
pillow.”

“Oh really?” I shifted
onto my back so I could glare fittingly at him. “Well, I like using
you as a body warmer.”

His eyes danced with
mirth and the corner of his lip lifted into a heart-pausing
half-grin. “Well, then I think we’d better do this every night,
don’t you?”

My breath caught. “Every
night?”

He nodded. “Every
night.”

Staring up into his
waiting eyes, I wanted to say yes a thousand times over. Instead, I
said, “You’ll just sleep next to me? Nothing more?”

His eyes swept over my
face as though he were committing my every feature to his memory.
It was intimidating and stomach fluttering to see him taking me in
so intently. “Yes, Reese. I’ll only hold you.”

“Okay.” I consented.
“Every night.”

He smiled. Bending his
head, he pressed his lips to my forehead. “How does a cup of coffee
sound?”

My eyes popped open.
“Are you serious? We have coffee?”

He repressed a
shit-grin. “We might.”

I pushed him off me
before I wiggled myself into a sitting position. The sleeping bag
around my waist felt more like a restraint than a blanket. There
was no way I’d be able to stand without Logan first unzipping the
sleeping bag.

I narrowed my eyes on
him. “I can’t believe you hid coffee from a caffeine addict.”

He tucked his hands
behind his head, grinning lazily. “I didn’t hide it.”

“You didn’t make its
existence known.” I accused. “That’s hiding it.”

He chuckled. “If you
walk down to the river for a pot of water, I’ll make a fire.”

I bargained hopefully,
“And then we’ll have coffee?”

“Oh yeah,” he shook his
head. “You’re an addict alright.”

I raised a single,
un-amused brow. “I already told you that.”

He pushed himself up
from the sleeping bag. “Come on sleeping beauty, we’ve already
wasted half the day in bed.”

“You’re complaining?” I
asked.

He winked as he turned
to face the door of the tent. “Not at all.”

Then he was gone.

Rubbing my hands over my
face, I tried to connect the dots on how I had gotten to this place
with Logan. The man was truly amazing, but did I deserve a man like
him when I knew I wasn’t over my husband? He had said enough to
make it known to me that he has feelings for me. But can I
reciprocate those feelings—or am I only leading him on?

I would never want to
lead Logan on and the fact of the matter is that I honestly don’t
feel as though that’s what I’m doing. He knows my husband still
owns my heart—even thought he’s gone. The ghost of what we were
together still lives in my soul and I am afraid that it forever
will.

Peeling myself from the
confines of the sleeping bag, I change into a light purple workout
tank top and a pair of spandex black shorts. I can tell by the warm
humid air inside the tent that the day will be a warm one. I’m just
happy it’s not raining. I can’t imagine the trouble Logan and I
would get ourselves into by staying in the tent all day long.

Pulling my hair into a
messy bun, I moved from the tent. Sliding my feet into my
flip-flops, I threw my arms high over my head and stretched. From
the corner of my eye, I saw Logan watching me.

“Finally,” Logan huffed.
“How long does it take a woman to get herself out of bed?”

“How long does it take a
man to build a fire?” I countered and he smirked.

“Go get the water,
smartass.”

I laughed as I bent to
pick up the pot. Sauntering from the little camp, I couldn’t help
but grin to myself. I felt pleased and refreshed. It was a wonder
what a good nights sleep could do to a person.

I watched Logan stir the
coffee grounds into the pot of water as I inhaled. The ground was
still wet from the night before and Logan had hung his sleeping bag
up to dry on a branch, so I was sitting on the log he’d pulled
closer to the fire. It wasn’t nearly as comfortable as the sleeping
bag, but it was better than sitting on the soft wet forest
floor.

“That smells delicious.”
I purred, reveling in the scent of the rick dark roast currently
teasing my taste buds.

“I can’t stand instant
coffee when I’m at home, but out here, it’s the best.” Logan
agreed.

Tucking my hands between
my knees, I squinted up at the sun in the sky. “So, what are we
doing today?”

“Are you cold?” He
frowned down at my hands between my knees.

“No. I’m not cold.” I
assured. “So? Any plans?”

“What do you want to do
today? You’ve learned how to build a fire and how to fish. Is there
anything else you really want to do?”

“Well, I’d like to
explore a little more.” I shrugged. “Maybe hike up the mountain a
bit, or something.”

“We could do that.” He
pointed to the pack. “Can you pass me the cinnamon?”

I raised my brows. “For
what?”

“The coffee.”

I scrunched my nose. “I
drink my coffee black.”

He looked shocked.
“Really? I didn’t imagine that.”

I didn’t explain that I
hadn’t always liked the bitterness of black coffee—but that it was
a change I had made after Derek. “It’s true.”

“Just try it with
cinnamon.” He held his hand out for the little container. “I
promise you’ll like it. It’s all I ever drink in my coffee.”

“Huh,” I mused. “I
pegged you for a black coffee kind of guy.”

“Why?” He asked. “I’m
not sweet enough for you?”

I shrugged as I handed
him the cinnamon. “Pretty much.”

“Cruel woman.” He shook
his head and I laughed.