Counting Stars (A Donnelley Brother's Novel) (23 page)

Trying to hide my smile,
I asked. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

“You’re beautiful.” He
replied matter of fact. His thick arms were folded over his chest
and his stance was sturdy. Seeing him so serious with the towel
hanging from his hips encouraged a giggle to erupt from deep in my
throat.

I covered my mouth with
my hand, blinking widely at him. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

The corner of his lip
twitched. “How do you feel about sleeping outside tonight?”

I nibbled at the inside
of my cheek as I moved closer to him. “I think that sounds scary
and nice at the same time.”

He raised a brow.
“What’s scary about it?”

“Well, what if a bear or
cougar comes?”

“We’ll be sleeping
beside the fire. Animals don’t typically like fire.” He grinned.
“Besides, I’ll protect you.”

“I see.” I toed the edge
of his sleeping bag, fighting my smile.

“What sounds nice about
it?” He questioned. I wondered for a moment, if he was holding his
breath as he waited for my reply.

I sighed. “Only the fact
that I am very much a female, and the thought of sleeping beneath
the stars, in a handsome mans arms, is a highly romanticized
scenario I’ve fantasized about more than once.”

Logan chuckled and the
deep sound warmed my belly. “You’re adorable.”

I beamed. “Why, thank
you.”

He eyed me through
serious eyes. “You think I’m handsome?”

“Very much.” I
whispered, blushing. “I love all your rugged edges and your brutal
honesty.”

“Huh,” he cocked his
head. “Most women want to clean the ruggedness and smooth the
edge.” His eyes glimmered. “I won’t even get started on what women
think about my honesty.”

“I don’t want to change
anything about you. The man you are now is the man I know and am
falling for. Changing you would be pointless—if you changed, I
wouldn’t know you anymore.”

His breath caught.
“You’re falling for me?”

He stepped toward me and
my heart leapt. Fastening my gaze on him, I nodded. “I’m falling
for you, Logan.”

His hand caught me by
the back of my neck as his fingers stretched gently into my hair,
pulling me forward. Slowly, he brushed his lips against mine.
“You’re the perfect woman, Reese.” And then he kissed me.

Hard.

Carnal.

Possessive.

Logan.

When he pulled away, we
were both breathless and flushed. The skin around my lips was
sensitive and almost raw from the rough feel of his hair on my
face.

I stepped back. “We
should get some clothes on.”

Logan nodded. “We
should.”

I feel peaceful. The
raging river that has been my emotions for this past year has
quieted to an all-time low. I can even remember when I was last
this content. It was last year, in May, when Derek was still
alive.

. . . The thought of you
doesn’t make me want to cry. That’s a first, Derek. Because when I
think of you, I always want to cry. My heart always aches and my
throat always feels constricted—like it’s a moment away from
closing. But it never does. And tonight, nothing painful happens
when I think of you. I don’t know if it’s my strength, or the
strength I have found in this man who holds me in his arms as he
sleeps, that gives me such stability, but I am so grateful that
I’ve found it.

I’m so grateful that
I’ve found him.

After your death, I fell
apart. I know you know this. I believe in my heart that you’ve
watched the light you always claimed to love so much, die inside of
me. Since your death, I’ve been living in this darkness that I
couldn’t seem to find my way out of. And even if I had seen some
speckling of light at the end of the tunnel I walked, I don’t know
if I would have had the strength to carry myself forward. For the
last year, my feet have felt as though they’ve been detained by
quicksand. Every labored step forward has only seemed to dig my
grave that much deeper—until I found Logan.

Now, I feel as though I
can walk again. I feel as though I can skip, hop, jump, and even
run again. I can’t say I owe it all to this man, because I do
believe that there is a lot to do with time and circumstance—but I
also know that he’s given me the gentle push forward that I so
desperately needed. And he doesn’t even know it.

I can’t believe I’m
talking to you about him—especially after what we did together. I
can’t say I’m sorry for my actions, Derek, because I know they were
right. I’m falling in love with Logan—I am in love with Logan.
Please believe me when I say that doesn’t mean I love you any less.
I don’t. I will always love you, of that I am certain. But I am in
love with Logan as well. I don’t understand it and it shouldn’t
even be possible. I never imagined, for even one moment, that I
could be in love with two different men, but I am. I don’t know if
it’s a blessing or a curse that only one of you is within my realm
of reach.

Your absence from my
life has not cemented my lack of belief for religion—instead, it
has shed light on the absence of a God within my heart. I know,
I’ve never been one to preach the bible, or to attend a church, but
I’ve always prayed. In my deepest heart of hearts I’ve believed in
something more than just—this world.

It was your death that
made my need to believe in something more prevail over my
uncertainty. I do believe that one day, we will meet again—in the
afterlife. Many think it’s fanatical to believe in such things as
Heaven, but I have to believe. I just have to. For the last year,
it’s all I lived for—the hope that I would one day find myself in
your arms.

The thought of Heaven now is terrifying, because I
can’t deny that I am falling in love with Logan. Logan believes
that there are some souls—special souls—that have two soul mates.
I’d like to believe I am one of those special souls, Derek, but I
don’t know what that would mean for our Heaven. Would I be with
him—or would I be with you? God, an eternity without either of you
would feel like Hell to me. And that is why I have to trust in
something
more.
I have to give my trust in God, that
everything will be as it should be.

I love you, Derek. I
will always, always, love you . . .

Lips against my bared
shoulder pull me from my thoughts and I smile, shifting onto my
back to look up into Logan’s eyes. He’s smiling, but it’s small and
curious. “You were thinking, what about?”

“I was thinking about
Heaven.” I admit quietly and he nods slowly. Logan is smart and it
doesn’t take him long to piece together the puzzle of my
thoughts.

“Derek?” My husbands
name on my lover’s lips makes my eyes prick with a sheen of
moisture that surprisingly doesn’t persist.

“Yeah,” I watch his eyes
for a hint of frustration, but there isn’t any. Logan isn’t in any
way intimidated by my feelings for Derek—and I value that quiet
confidence in him more than any other attribute.

“Do you want to talk
about it?”

“About what?”

“Your thoughts?
Him?”

I cast my gaze up to the
stars twinkling overhead and from my peripheral vision I can see
Logan watching me. His expression is considerate and gentle and his
hand resting against my lower belly is warming. “I was wondering if
I’d ever see him again. If there is such a thing as Heaven.”

For a few beats, there
was only silence. And then Logan spoke. “I believe there is such a
thing. I’ve always believed, Reese.”

“Do you think I’ll see
him again?”

For a moment, his eyes
fluttered closed and I thought I saw a flash of pain. But as soon
as he opened his eyes, it was gone. “I think you’ll see him again.
I think Heaven is a place where everything and everyone you love
lives.”

Slowly, I nodded. I had
to bite my tongue to keep from telling him that if Heaven was a
place where everything I loved lived, than he would be there, too.
Instead, I said. “Thank you, Logan.”

His voice was low when
he replied. “I know I’ve only known you for two weeks, Reese. But I
also haven’t felt for anyone the way I feel for you. From the very
first time I saw you, I think I knew you were a danger to my heart.
I just want you to know that I want to take a real shot at this—at
what we have together—and see where it goes.”

Blinking away my tears
of happiness, I cupped the side of his face with my hand. “I’d like
that, Logan.”

As he lowered his lips
to my forehead, I let my eyes flutter closed.

Life is compiled of a
million moments. Every moment is meaningful, some more so than
others, but none are meaningless. However, this moment, right here
and now, is significant for so many reasons. This moment is a
moment I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my days, as one
of the most special. Forever, it will stand out against the
millions that make up my time here on earth as a moment of
unbridled love and trust. In this moment, I feel as though my very
spirit has jumped to a new plane of existence where enlightenment
feasts upon ignorance. In this breakthrough moment, the world I
live in is not one of pain and loss, but rather one of love and
blessing.

So badly, I long to tell
Logan how I feel for him. Although it’s only been two weeks, I know
I am in love with him. There is no time restraint on love, as the
emotion simply cannot be measured. It can bloom in a day or it can
grow slow and steady like a tree planted from seed. Love can’t be
measured from person to person—because no two loves are the same.
Love is not linear. It is explosive. It is universal. And I know,
without an ounce of doubt that it exists in my heart for Logan.

Gently, I move my hand
from Logan’s face to press my palm against the powerful beat of his
heart. I love the feel of his heartbeat. Over the nights I’d spent
sleeping in his strong arms, his heartbeat has become a melody in
the dark. When my heart hurts to the point of breaking, the sound
or feel of his heart cajoles me closer, leading me away from the
pain.

In more ways than one,
Logan has been the army I’ve been searching for. He’s fought so
many hidden battles, forced me to look at my life for the beauty
that it is, and encouraged my belief in something more. He’s
encouraged me to move on with my life while never forgetting the
man I first loved with the entirety of my heart and soul.

I can’t imagine being in
Logan’s shoes. I know he wants me. I know he has feelings for me
that he’s holding at bay, waiting for me to show him I’m ready for
more—with him. And yet the man has never, not once, tried to make
my feelings for Derek seem inconsequential. Instead, he’s
encouraged my love of Derek to live on within my heart, so long as
I can hold onto his memory and continue to live my life.

Before I’d come here, to
the Donnelley Ranch, the people in my life were telling me to let
Derek go. They wanted me to move on and begin anew. But that was
something I simply could not do. How one could even expect me to
let go of someone who had helped to shape me into the woman I am
was not something I was successful, in any way, in wrapping my mind
around.

That’s what amazed me
about Logan. Actually, I think it is his selfless acceptance of
Derek’s memory living in my heart that has allowed my defenses to
weaken against him enough for my heart to fall for him.

Logan snaked a hand
around my belly, pulling me into the warmth of his chest. Smiling,
I snuggled down into the blanket as he breathed into my hair. The
fire danced high into the sky, warming my front as Logan warmed my
back and I realized in that moment, that I am so deeply
blessed.

The next few
days were occupied by sex.

A lot of sex.

Actually, I don’t know
if I’ve ever had this much sex in this short of time. Logan is
tireless. The man is completely insatiable—and I love it.