Coyote V. Acme (5 page)

Authors: Ian Frazier

BOOK: Coyote V. Acme

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The Afternoon of
June 8, 1991

Those who adopt satanism come from all walks of life â¦ . They include doctors, lawyers, professors, university presidents.

â
Insight
magazine

H
ello and welcomeâis this on?âhello and welcome to the ssbt sbt zzzzbt alumni and friends of Brainard
bzzzt
Brainard University, zzzbt and to all the wheeee ZZZZZZZZZ families of the class of â91. And to all of you new graduates zzzzZZZZZ ZAAA ZAAA AZAZEL AZAZEL ZZZzzzzb sitting down front in your elegant black caps and gowns, let me addâyou made it! Ssssbt zzzzbt zzzeee b'zeee b'zeee zzzZA-MIEL this rain holds off awhile so we don't have to move the ceremony into the gym.
Wheeeeee Moloch, Moloch, serve him
a special welcome to all the faculty emeritiâit's good to have you backânnnnnNERGAL BELIAL LAL-LAL-LAL also to the fiftieth anniversary class of '41. Your special reunion drive raised enough non-earmarked zzzzzzzZZZZ sssssss SSSSSSAMMAEL SCRATCH SCRATCH funds for us to add some badly needed phet phet phet TOPHET phet phet to our physical
plant. Many thanks from the entire Brainard University family.

-ily-ly-ly-ly eeeeeeee rely here at Brainard on the generosity of individual and corporate contributors ssssssSERPENT AHRIMANESsssss THAMUZzzzzzzz offset an alarming thirty-two-per-cent increase in costs
bbbbbbbeeeelzebubbbbbb
unfortunately, a projected shortfall of almost three million dollars. Your loyal support, which has had an enormous impact on our success, bab bab bab BAB BAB ABADDON enhance the quality of the learning experience at Brainard. Wheeeeeee wheeee eeeeee Old Nick Nick Nick a sombre note on this festive occasion, but in the face of unrelenting financial pressures bbbbbbbheeeee beasthood beasthood before the end of the fiscal year on June 30th.

Now for the good news. rrrrr RRRRRRROOOOO-AAAAARRRRRRrrrr HOW-OW-OW-WOW-WOW-WOW-RRRRRR rrrrrOW rrrrrrrrOW rrrrRAHAB RAHAB BAB BAB BAAL BAALIM BAALBERITH rrrrRRROARRR-RRRR awarded summa cum laude. OW OW OW POWERS-OF-THE-AIR magna cum laude, and nearly two hundred receiving the lesser but still very commendable degree of cum laude. In addition, we point with pride to the impressive number of graduates who will be receiving stipendiary hummm hummm hummmMMMMMMMMMMELCHOM RIMMON ASMODEUS APOLLYON CHEMOSH, ROBHES-THE-DOOR-DEMONNNNNNNNNNNNNN nearly half again as many as any university in the area. Again, ooooooooo eeeeeeeeee
Shedim Ahriman Euronymous
Erl-King swarming, swarming,
many prestigious scholars in our tenured and non-tenured faculty.

[
Takes drink of water.
]

Bzip bzeeeeeeeeeee bzeeeeeeeeeeee
Beasssssst-Massssssster Beassssst-Massssssster
generous bequest of Mr. and Mrs. Harry E. WAAAAAHHHHEEE MAW-WORM expansion of our media center and film department, construction to begin this hhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhh. The reHHHOOOOOOOVESsss zzzzzzzzz, a matching grant from our friends at Electric Boat. Let's give them a round of rrreeeee-rrrrreeeee-reeee
eee-EEEEEE
EREBUS RHADAMANTHUS PRINCE-OF-DARKNESS HORNED-ONE UHN UHN UHN nnnnnn round of applause. We couldn't do it without you.

[
Bubbling hellmouth opens in earth in front of podium, then closes.
]

As I'm sure we all know only too well, the price of a college education HORROR THE HORROR-ROR-ROR-ROR over the last twenty years zzzz b'zzzzzzzzz b'zzzzzzzzz regrettable b'zzzzzzz
Pazuzu-Prince-of
Locustsssss
, and will for the foreseeable future. Student tuitions actually cover only The-Insect-Inside-You-That-Wants-To-LIVE! which amounts to less than two-fifths of the actual sbt sbeeeee sbeee Baron SAMEDI-eeeeeeeee of every diploma awarded today. And of that two-fifths

[
Deafening crack, as lightning hits overhead. Smell of sulfur.
]

in long-term, interest-deferred federal tuition loans. Given the critical nature of the need, we have begun two highly lauded funding outreach programs. I wish I had more answers during this difficult ffffffffffffff Mephisto fffffffft ft pht Astaroth pht fffffff

[
Whirlwind touches down in center aisle. Sparks from p.a. system.
]

introduce our commencement speaker, Dr. Howard Hall. Born in Springfield, Dr. Hall made his first dollar as a child of six, when he convinced a playmate to purchase a toy he had made. After attending the public schools he matriculated at Brainard where

[
Is skewered to floor by religious symbol falling from steeple of school chapel nearby. Prizes self loose, gets up.
]

and went on to earn his Master's at CH-CH-CH-CHORONZON BLACK-RIDER and soon BEHEMOTH BELPHEGOR president of his own SEMJAZA BERALD BARALAMENSIS ADRAMMELECH-eck-eck private listings to realtors. BAL-BAL-BALDACHIENSIS PAU-MACHIE APOLOROSEDES unaffected by the Crash, luckily, ITEMON GENIO LUCIFUGE NAAMAHHHHHH after whom Hall Quadrangle is named. Please join me in giving him a nice

[
Explodes into smoke
.]

Have You Ever

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yes
to
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hysterical pregnancy
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