Coyote V. Acme (4 page)
Authors: Ian Frazier
While Manet painted the Monet family, Renoir painted beside him and Monet worked nearby. Monet painted Renoir at his easel (present location unknown), while Renoir, like Manet, painted Madame Monet, Jean Monet, and the rooster (National Gallery of Art, Washington, D.C.). Monet later recalled that as Renoir painted, Manet glanced at his canvas from time to time, and at one point the older artist walked over to Monet and whispered: “He has no talent at all that boy! You, who are his friend, tell him please to give up painting.”
âLabel to
The Monet Family in Their Garden,
by Edouard Manet, in the Metropolitan Museum
The Monet Family in Their Garden,
by Edouard Manet, in the Metropolitan Museum
A
suburban summer afternoon at Argenteuil. A garden: willows, hyacinths, a privet hedge. Beyond the hedge, walls of the bicycle works, twin smokestacks with plumes of smoke blowing at identical angles. To the south, a field filled with haystacks, probably left over from last year, and to the west, past the lane, a hillside sloping gently to the sea.
suburban summer afternoon at Argenteuil. A garden: willows, hyacinths, a privet hedge. Beyond the hedge, walls of the bicycle works, twin smokestacks with plumes of smoke blowing at identical angles. To the south, a field filled with haystacks, probably left over from last year, and to the west, past the lane, a hillside sloping gently to the sea.
MANET, MONET,
and
RENOIR
are setting up easels, uncapping and sniffing tubes of paint, flicking brushes across their thumbs, etc.
and
RENOIR
are setting up easels, uncapping and sniffing tubes of paint, flicking brushes across their thumbs, etc.
MADAME MONET
fusses with young
JEAN,
arranging his collar. He squirms.
fusses with young
JEAN,
arranging his collar. He squirms.
The
ROOSTER
struts nervously nearby.
ROOSTER
struts nervously nearby.
RENOIR: Now, allow me to understand. Monsieur Manet paints Monsieur Monetâ
MONET: After painting first Madame Monet, my wife.
REN.: Ah, yes, your wife, and also your charming infantâ
MANET: And the rooster.
MON.: That goes without saying.
REN.: And, Claude, you paint meâ
MON.: If you have no objections.
REN.: Certainly not. You wish to paint me at my easel?
MON.: Of course.
REN.: Who, then, should I paint?
MONET
and
RENOIR
look at each other. Then both turn to look at
MANET.
and
RENOIR
look at each other. Then both turn to look at
MANET.
MAN.: Absolutely not! I forbid it!
MON.: Please, Edouard, it only seems fair.
REN.: Oh, but the symmetryâyou paint the Monets, Claude paints me, I paint youâperfect!
MAN.: Nobody paints Manet.
(He hunches over his canvas and begins to sketch in some outlines.)
(He hunches over his canvas and begins to sketch in some outlines.)
REN.: But, butâ
MAN.: You may paint Madame and the child, as I am doing.
RENOIR
looks at
MONET. MONET
shrugs.
looks at
MONET. MONET
shrugs.
REN.: Very well. Monsieur Manet paints Madame and the child, who have no objection to the procedure, and Monsieur Monet paints me, who am similarly inclined, while I, in turn, following the lead of the distinguished Monsieur Manet, paint, to the best of
my ability, a second, though one hopes not inferior, portrait of the family Monet.
my ability, a second, though one hopes not inferior, portrait of the family Monet.
MAN. (
without looking up
): Shall we begin?
without looking up
): Shall we begin?
RENOIR
places his easel and stool a few feet from
MANET,
facing
MADAME MONET
and
JEAN. MONET
moves his easel where he can see
RENOIR.
They begin to paint.
places his easel and stool a few feet from
MANET,
facing
MADAME MONET
and
JEAN. MONET
moves his easel where he can see
RENOIR.
They begin to paint.
Humming tunelessly,
RENOIR
selects a brush and makes a few passes at his canvas. Still humming, he sights along his thumb at
MADAME MONET.
Then, slowly, he moves his thumb until he is sighting at
MANET.
RENOIR
selects a brush and makes a few passes at his canvas. Still humming, he sights along his thumb at
MADAME MONET.
Then, slowly, he moves his thumb until he is sighting at
MANET.
MAN.: What are you doing? I made it clear that you are not to depict me in any way.
REN.: Sorry, sorry.
They continue in silence. The
ROOSTER
pecks at a grasshopper; it jumps away from him. He chases it; it jumps away again. He catches it and throws it in the air with his beak
.
ROOSTER
pecks at a grasshopper; it jumps away from him. He chases it; it jumps away again. He catches it and throws it in the air with his beak
.
REN. (
to
MAN.): Did you see? Remarkable!
to
MAN.): Did you see? Remarkable!
MANET
snorts derisively.
snorts derisively.
MON.: Auguste, could you turn this way just a bit? ⦠Just a bit more, if you don't mind. A bit more ⦠. Good! Just like that. Look like you're painting.
REN.: That is what I am trying to do, if you will allow me.
MON.: Just another moment. Good. Now you may relax.
MME. MON.: There is cider, if anyone should wish.
MAN.: No. Please hold your pose.
REN.: I have a tremendous thirst, myself. I have been perspiring like a swine.
MAN.: But we have been sitting here for less than a quarter of an hour.
MON.: We shall have the cider a little later, my dearest.
REN. (
under his breath
): Sheesh! (MANET
works intently, peering around his canvas and then painting with his brush held close to his face
. RENOIR
makes a few dabs at his canvas, then leans back on his stool to view the result
.) Ah, yes. (
He makes another few dabs, leans back again.
) Ah,
yes!
Just so! (
Another few dabs
.) Oh-h-h-h-h,
yes!
That's it. That is IT! (
Another few dabs.
) Oh, now you are working. Yes! Now you are cooking! (
Another few dabs. Chuckling softly.
) Oh, yes! Very good!
Ver-y
good in-
deed!
under his breath
): Sheesh! (MANET
works intently, peering around his canvas and then painting with his brush held close to his face
. RENOIR
makes a few dabs at his canvas, then leans back on his stool to view the result
.) Ah, yes. (
He makes another few dabs, leans back again.
) Ah,
yes!
Just so! (
Another few dabs
.) Oh-h-h-h-h,
yes!
That's it. That is IT! (
Another few dabs.
) Oh, now you are working. Yes! Now you are cooking! (
Another few dabs. Chuckling softly.
) Oh, yes! Very good!
Ver-y
good in-
deed!
MAN.: WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!
REN. (
startled, smudging his canvas
): Aaah! Now look what you made me do. Her eyebrow is like a giant sun.
startled, smudging his canvas
): Aaah! Now look what you made me do. Her eyebrow is like a giant sun.
MAN.: That is no concern of mine.
REN.: This will take forever to put right.
MAN.: You should have thought of that before.
REN.: I was minding my business.
The minutes pass. The leaves of the trees grow heavy with the torpor of midsummer. Several times, young
JEAN
must be restrained by his mother from getting up and running away. We hear his plaintive “Maman.”
RENOIR
sketches in a detail with a small brush, pauses, then scrapes it out with his palette knife.
JEAN
must be restrained by his mother from getting up and running away. We hear his plaintive “Maman.”
RENOIR
sketches in a detail with a small brush, pauses, then scrapes it out with his palette knife.
MON.: I heard an amusing story about van Gogh
the other day. (RENOIR
sketches the detail again, shakes his head, again scratches it out
.) It seems van Gogh was walking down the street in Arles (RENOIR
scrapes at his canvas again with an exclamation of impatience
) and you know how van Gogh looks with that hat he always wearsâ(RENOIR
scratches his head, furrows his brow, and tries the detail again.
MANET
, meanwhile, steals a quick glance at
RENOIR' S
canvas, then another one. Then he stares openly for a moment or two. Then he gets up from his stool and looks closer until he is leaning over
RENOIR
's shoulder
.) So anyway (
laughing
), just as van Gogh was passing the bakery a Swedish man comes up to himâ
the other day. (RENOIR
sketches the detail again, shakes his head, again scratches it out
.) It seems van Gogh was walking down the street in Arles (RENOIR
scrapes at his canvas again with an exclamation of impatience
) and you know how van Gogh looks with that hat he always wearsâ(RENOIR
scratches his head, furrows his brow, and tries the detail again.
MANET
, meanwhile, steals a quick glance at
RENOIR' S
canvas, then another one. Then he stares openly for a moment or two. Then he gets up from his stool and looks closer until he is leaning over
RENOIR
's shoulder
.) So anyway (
laughing
), just as van Gogh was passing the bakery a Swedish man comes up to himâ
REN. (
suddenly seeing
MANET
behind him
): Chouf! Spread out!
suddenly seeing
MANET
behind him
): Chouf! Spread out!
MAN.: That's not the way a chicken's feet go.
REN.: Oh, really? Well, I am of the opinion that it is.
MAN.: Excuse me, but I can assure you that it is not.
REN. (
rising, with fists clenched
): Why, for two francs I'dâ
rising, with fists clenched
): Why, for two francs I'dâ
MAN.: You'd what?
MON.: Edouard, Auguste, please! Calm yourselves!
RENOIR
and
MANET
stand nose to nose for a few seconds. Then, slowly, they back off.
RENOIR
turns away from
MANET
with dignity, sits down, resumes painting
. MANET
walks over to
MONET.
and
MANET
stand nose to nose for a few seconds. Then, slowly, they back off.
RENOIR
turns away from
MANET
with dignity, sits down, resumes painting
. MANET
walks over to
MONET.
MON.: So, anyway, to return to my story about van
Goghâthe Swedish man, noticing van Gogh's hat, remarks (
unintelligible Swedish accent
)â
Goghâthe Swedish man, noticing van Gogh's hat, remarks (
unintelligible Swedish accent
)â
MAN. (
whispering, gesturing behind his hand at
RENOIR): He has no talent at all that boy! You, who are his friend, tell him please to give up painting.
whispering, gesturing behind his hand at
RENOIR): He has no talent at all that boy! You, who are his friend, tell him please to give up painting.
REN. (
leaps to his feet
): I heard that!
leaps to his feet
): I heard that!
RENOIR
spits in his palms, scrapes his feet on the ground, and rushes at
MANET.
spits in his palms, scrapes his feet on the ground, and rushes at
MANET.
BLACKOUT.
Sounds of a scuffle. The
ROOSTER
squawks frantically.
Sounds of a scuffle. The
ROOSTER
squawks frantically.
Â
Â
The lights come up to reveal the three painters once again at their easels.
MANET
holds a large beefsteak over one eye
. RENOIR
has an ice bag on his right hand, and is painting with difficulty with his left.
MONET'
s coat is in tatters.
MANET
holds a large beefsteak over one eye
. RENOIR
has an ice bag on his right hand, and is painting with difficulty with his left.
MONET'
s coat is in tatters.
MADAME MONET
and
JEAN
are seated in the same pose as before.
and
JEAN
are seated in the same pose as before.
MAN.: I am sure I will have a shiner.
REN.: My hand is throbbing as if I had hit a marble column.
MAN.: You may expect to receive my doctor's bill.
REN.: And you may count upon a call from my attorney.
MAN.: I see that you paint just as skillfully with this hand as you did with the other.
REN.: Your antipathy is like a tonic to me.
MAN.: Take my advice, you are wasting your time.
REN.: The public will revere my name long after it has given up trying to tell which is you and which is Claude.
MAN.: Your name will not outlive you by one second.
MON.: And which of you, may I ask, plans to pay my tailor's bill, or for the damage to my hedge?
A silence, unbroken except for the faint scratching of the brushes.
TABLEAU.
Â
Â
MONET
comes forward and addresses the audience.
comes forward and addresses the audience.
MON.: This, then, was Impressionism. What delight when the works identified with that name first began appearing everywhere in the galleries and salons, like a limpid tide overflowing the crumbling levees of the past! But behind the surface of the picturesâwhat malice, what bile, what violence! Did the admirers who stood rapt before these works suspect that the hands that held the brushes could also hit, pinch, slap, tweak, and give stinging nose-flappers?
Perhaps you wonder what became of the pictures we made that day in the garden as the summer sun beat down. Renoir's painting, when completed, was purchased I believe by a woman named Marjorie, who later sold it directly or indirectly to the government of the United States, in order to raise money for some things she wanted to buy, evidently. Manet's painting, also, was bought and sold one or more times until it, too, ended up at a location overseas. And as for my paintingâwell, so moved was I by the events of that afternoon, I decided I must change my picture completely. I took the portrait I had been working on and
glued additional canvas to it until it was twelve times as large, and stretched it on a new frame. I then included the struggle between the two painters, and a sequence-drawing of the holds they used, and an effect of the droplets of sweat flying in the air, and the terrified eyes of my family, and myself as participant and observerâall overhung by the dust of our exertions in shafts of late-afternoon light. When I had finished, I believed this was a work which would change forever the history of painting; but, unfortunately, it later became lost somewhere.
glued additional canvas to it until it was twelve times as large, and stretched it on a new frame. I then included the struggle between the two painters, and a sequence-drawing of the holds they used, and an effect of the droplets of sweat flying in the air, and the terrified eyes of my family, and myself as participant and observerâall overhung by the dust of our exertions in shafts of late-afternoon light. When I had finished, I believed this was a work which would change forever the history of painting; but, unfortunately, it later became lost somewhere.
BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.
E
very week Sherman Strong, millionaire, replies to readers' financial requests. You may write to him care of a newspaper, Department of the Treasury, Rockville, Md. 20850.
very week Sherman Strong, millionaire, replies to readers' financial requests. You may write to him care of a newspaper, Department of the Treasury, Rockville, Md. 20850.
Â
Â
Dear Sherman Strong,
I'm a cheap, cheese-ball chiseller too lazy to pay my own freight. But why should I bust my hump when there's rich saps like
you
, Sherman Strong, just waitin' to hand over some of that long green to
me
? Ha-ha! Very good, Mr. Sherman Strongâyou do the work, I get the cash. That's an arrangement the way I like it! You bet I'll take your money, as much as you can give for as long as you can shell it out. What for? That's my lookout. I'll feather my bed with it, Mr. Sherman Strong, and tell the world what a prize sucker I found in you. And when the dough runs out, instead of getting a job I'll come right back to you with my sack in my hand. Fill it up, Sherman Strong, and keep it coming. Money-money-money-money-money!
Fat cats like you were just made for fellows like me.
you
, Sherman Strong, just waitin' to hand over some of that long green to
me
? Ha-ha! Very good, Mr. Sherman Strongâyou do the work, I get the cash. That's an arrangement the way I like it! You bet I'll take your money, as much as you can give for as long as you can shell it out. What for? That's my lookout. I'll feather my bed with it, Mr. Sherman Strong, and tell the world what a prize sucker I found in you. And when the dough runs out, instead of getting a job I'll come right back to you with my sack in my hand. Fill it up, Sherman Strong, and keep it coming. Money-money-money-money-money!
Fat cats like you were just made for fellows like me.
R.G., Lake Forest, Ill.
Â
Â
Dear R.G.,
You are right about one thingâI do have money. How much, exactly? Truthfully, I couldn't tell you an exact dollar amount: tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, possibly even a million dollars (depending on the stock market, and the repayment on a few loans owed to me). Enough to keep an accountant busy for several days, let me assure you.
Yes, I could give you as much as three or four hundred dollars with a simple stroke of the pen, and never feel it at all. Even a sum as large as four hundred and fifty dollars, while great to you, would hardly be missed by me. But I'm not going to do that, Mr. R.G. You see money simply as a commodity. To me, money stands for hope, and dreams, and progress, and ordinary people all over the world helping other people who have it already to do the things they enjoy. But that is something I'm afraid you'll never understand.
Â
Dear Sherman Strong,
Soâthe brush-off, eh? Not so fast,
Mister
Strong. Chintzy little pointy-toothed advantage-taking ratty guys of my sort don't give up so easy. No way, no day. As you know, if I put half the effort into honest work that I do into cadging and finagling
and stiffing people, I'd be richer than you. So here I am, comin' back atcha: you got, I want. Gimmee!
Mister
Strong. Chintzy little pointy-toothed advantage-taking ratty guys of my sort don't give up so easy. No way, no day. As you know, if I put half the effort into honest work that I do into cadging and finagling
and stiffing people, I'd be richer than you. So here I am, comin' back atcha: you got, I want. Gimmee!
R.G., Lake Forest, III.
Â
[No answer. File.âS.S.]
Â
Dear Sherman Strong,
My wife fell down and broke her hip last week. But that's not why I'm writing you. I'm writing you ⦠oh, just to write you. I read your column every week. I love the way you're smiling, in your picture, that is. It makes me think you're nice. I want to tell you that I've read your column every time I've seen it. My problem is this.
Mrs. A.R.,
Egg Harbor City, N.J.
Egg Harbor City, N.J.
Â
Dear Mrs. A.R.,
Now you're talking, and I read you loud and clear. By the time you see this, a check in your initials may be already on its way to the charity of your choice, either from me or someone else. A gesture such as yours, taking a moment to do what you didâthat's what sharing is all about. God bless!
Â
Hey! Sherman Strong!
What's the hangup there, Sherman? I go to my mailbox, I got a lot of no-answer from you. Somebody
put a crimp in your cash flow? Listen, there's no hurry. I got all the time in the world. I'm just sitting here on my duff, mooching off very close personal friends of mine, you know the kind I mean, the kind I want
you
to be. Hey, I'll try anything, just so long as I don't accidentally do anything for anybody else. Get that money moving my way, the sooner the better. I have some cheesy, ratty discretionary purchases I want to make. Pay up, bub.
put a crimp in your cash flow? Listen, there's no hurry. I got all the time in the world. I'm just sitting here on my duff, mooching off very close personal friends of mine, you know the kind I mean, the kind I want
you
to be. Hey, I'll try anything, just so long as I don't accidentally do anything for anybody else. Get that money moving my way, the sooner the better. I have some cheesy, ratty discretionary purchases I want to make. Pay up, bub.
R.G., Lake Forest, Ill.
Â
[File.âS.S.]
Â
Dear Sherman Strong,
I am not a welfare fraud, and I don't cheat on my taxes, dip into the till at work, or sign time sheets for hours I haven't put in. I don't hide people in the trunk of my car when I go to a drive-in movie, or “sample” items in a grocery store unless I intend to pay for them. Unlike many others in our society, I don't rent furnished apartments and then sell the contents to any of a number of used-furniture dealers found in the yellow pages. It just goes against my grain. I don't file false insurance claims, no matter how hard they would be to check, and if money is paid to me in error, I return it. I don't take things that don't belong to me, I have never once been the recipient of an illegal payment or donation, and I would never ask for or
accept charity from you or anyone else. Give me $2,500.
accept charity from you or anyone else. Give me $2,500.
George Abshire,
Sidney, Nebraska
Sidney, Nebraska
Â
Dear Mr. Abshire,
I wonder if you have any idea how much money twenty-five hundred dollars actually is. Perhaps you will understand more clearly if I put it this way: what you are asking for is two
thousand
five hundred dollars, or, to put it in layman's terms, nearly three
thousand
dollars. Even at my level of affluence, it is a sum I see only very rarely. The sheer bulk of that much cash is something of which the average person has no grasp. Imagine, if you can, a hundred-dollar bill; then imagine twenty-five of them, one on top of another. That stack would fill a standard business envelope to the thickness of one-eighth of an inch, and all solid hundreds.
thousand
five hundred dollars, or, to put it in layman's terms, nearly three
thousand
dollars. Even at my level of affluence, it is a sum I see only very rarely. The sheer bulk of that much cash is something of which the average person has no grasp. Imagine, if you can, a hundred-dollar bill; then imagine twenty-five of them, one on top of another. That stack would fill a standard business envelope to the thickness of one-eighth of an inch, and all solid hundreds.
However, because of your many fine qualities, I believe you are entitled to a reward. Take this column and show it to the bartender at your local watering hole; then tell him to give you a drink, on the house!
Â
Dear, dear Sherman Strong,
Inasmuch as I am a dedicated sort of leech, and inasmuch as I love nothing better than a fat, dumb, and happy meal ticket such as yourself, I am hereby writing once again for a nice big wad of free money. Proceeding forthwith and henceforth, you
will direct your agents, Messrs. Chump & Chump, Inc., to advance to my account via bonded cash courier a sizable payment, the first of many to follow on a schedule to be determined by me. Meanwhile, I'll just lay back with my feet up on the cocktail table smoking a borrowed cigar and let John-down-the-road handle my responsibilities as a human beingâgratis, of course.
will direct your agents, Messrs. Chump & Chump, Inc., to advance to my account via bonded cash courier a sizable payment, the first of many to follow on a schedule to be determined by me. Meanwhile, I'll just lay back with my feet up on the cocktail table smoking a borrowed cigar and let John-down-the-road handle my responsibilities as a human beingâgratis, of course.
Hey, don't get me wrong. It's not that I really
need
the dough. But only a schmo would miss out on a gravy train like you. So, how about a cool fifty grand, for starters? Make that sixty.
need
the dough. But only a schmo would miss out on a gravy train like you. So, how about a cool fifty grand, for starters? Make that sixty.
As ever,
R.G., Lake Forest, Ill.
R.G., Lake Forest, Ill.
Â
[Don't file. Discard.âS.S.]
Â
Â
Dear Mr. Strong,
Several months ago I wrote to you asking for funds to pay for a much-needed vacation from clerical duties, a trip to Disney's Epcot Center, in Florida. As the days went by with no response, I had just about given up hope. Then last Friday I looked in my mailbox and found an official-looking envelope containing a tax-refund check from the federal government made out in my name with no strings attached! I simply cannot tell you how happy you have made me. The amount was enough to cover transportation, meals, a four-day hotel stay, and extras
besides. You are a prince, Mr. Strong. If only there were more like you.
besides. You are a prince, Mr. Strong. If only there were more like you.
Rev. Michael Pattison
Clearwater, Fla. 34625
Clearwater, Fla. 34625
Â
Â
Dear Rev. Pattison,
Helping a person at no cost is one of the greatest satisfactions this little column of mine can provide. The knowledge that I could have sent you a check myself had I chosen to reminds me of how fortunate I have been. So why shouldn't I share some of that good fortune with my fellowman, in principle? I don't suggest notions like that merely in the hopes of receiving a reward in Heavenâbut I bet a good word from you wouldn't hurt. Have a ball, and don't mention it!
Â
Dear Sherman Strong,
Pursuant to my missive of the 21st inst., I once again take pen in hand to request bucks by the carload from you, Mr.
Â
[Discard.âS.S.]
Â
Dear Sherm,
Having decided at this juncture that it would be advantageous for me to acquire a bunch of stuff that I want but can't pay for,
Â
[Discard.]
Â
My good friend, Sherman,
As down payment toward the purchase of a snazzy new sports sedan with privacy glass, I'll be needing
Â
[Discard.]
Â
Dear “Got-Rocks” Strong,
In order that I may continue to coast down easy street, what say you give me
Â
[Discard.]
Â
Dear Sherman,
Please remit all surplus scratch A.S.A.P. to
Â
[Discard.]
Â
Dear Readers:
Sometimes, at the end of the column, I like to take a moment just to chat with you. You know, I receive three thousand to five thousand letters a week from you, and the vast majority of them are fine. You're good, generous people, living hand to mouthâI salute you. I know what it is to have to work for a living, because I've seen people doing it; I'm sure we all have. I don't resent your pleas for money. I give my full attention to each and every one, and then judge solely on the merits. Sherman Junior and daughter Carol and I sit in the afternoons in the office part of the house with mail just
heaped around our feet. When a letter strikes us as particularly new in approach, we sometimes read it aloud. Every so often, one or more will really get to me. You may think that other rich people and I are very different from you. Well, we are and we aren't. I'd like to explain what I mean with a little story.
heaped around our feet. When a letter strikes us as particularly new in approach, we sometimes read it aloud. Every so often, one or more will really get to me. You may think that other rich people and I are very different from you. Well, we are and we aren't. I'd like to explain what I mean with a little story.
Thirty years ago I was a young patent attorney.
Well, a lot has changed since then. Look around you. On every corner, individuals who think the world owes them a living. Check-bouncers, bill-dodgers, fare-jumpers, payment-skippersâthe world owes them exactly what they deserve, which is precious little. Fortunately, ours is a system devised long ago by men far wiser than ourselves, which insures to those who possess wealth the power to keep it, and to those who don't good wishes for the best of luck. You see, money, in and of itself, is important; but what is even more important is obtaining other money in addition. And far, far beyond either of these is the rich inner satisfaction. Supposedly, it is a feeling which no amount of money can buy.
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