Coyote V. Acme (8 page)
Authors: Ian Frazier
“The government gave her a choice. Death. Or life as an assassin.”
âFrom the ad for the movie
Point of No Return
Point of No Return
D
ear Taxpayer:
ear Taxpayer:
As Commissioner of Internal Revenue, I would like to take a moment to familiarize you with new tax laws that will affect all those filing Form 1040, Schedules A through SE. Please note that, as of this year, taxpayers filing single or joint returns are provided with the option of checking one of two boxes on Line 46a. (Miscellaneous Credits). You may check either the box marked “Yes” in the first category or the box marked “Yes” in the second category. If filing jointly, your spouse must also check one of these two boxes. Selection of a category is required of all taxpayers.
Frequently asked questions:
What tax benefits will I receive if I check “Yes” in the first category?
Within thirty days, you will receive a mailing from your local I.R.S. office, as a result of which you will die. Should your death occur in a year in which you already have tax liability, the anticipated decrease in income will keep that liability close to the previous
amount. For this reason, taxpayers choosing the first category are encouraged to file early.
amount. For this reason, taxpayers choosing the first category are encouraged to file early.
What if I check “Yes” in the second category? What happens then?
We realize that tax laws are complex and sometimes frustrating. In an effort to streamline bureaucratic procedures, we ask all who decide that the second category makes better tax sense for them to call one of several phone numbers listed on page 28 of the instruction booklet. A representative will record your Social Security number and describe a preselected individual or group of individuals to you. When the next filing deadline comes around, you will fill out your return as usual, indicate your eligibility for tax credit, and enclose check or money order payable to Internal Revenue Service. Be sure to list victim's name and taxpayer identification number on your payment.
How soon do I get my refund?
You'll get your refund soon enoughâfrom four to eight weeks, depending on time of filing. You don't have to worry about that.
What if I am unable to choose a category on Line 46a? Are there any other options available to me?
No. As per Section 5 of the Choices Offered to Citizens by Government act, these choices are the only ones you have. In certain instances, preselected taxpayers may be able to choose both categories, but not for longer than one calendar year. If you are unable to choose, an I.R.S. representative will compute your choice for you.
Can I apply for an extension?
You or your tax preparer may, if unable to file by deadline, apply for an extension by submitting Form 4868, Application for Automatic Extension of Time (due April 15). An extension of four months may be granted, provided you have already chosen a category on Line 46a.
I'm single, live alone, and have no dependents.
Perfect. If you choose the first category, you will retain your one exemption (yourself) for that tax year regardless of the date on which your death occurs, as long as it is on or before December 31. If you choose the second category, you will be able to move about freely, store materials in your house or apartment, and amass a paper trail of deductible long-distance travel expenses, which will lower your tax bill still further. From a tax standpoint, you win either way.
What if I choose a category and then change my mind?
All taxpayers are permitted to file an amended return up until six months from the filing date, after which time their decision is regarded as final.
I'm a first-time filer. What if I miss?
Read Step 4, “How to Avoid Common Mistakes,” found on page 9. It will assist you in important procedures, such as finding street addresses and calculating daily routine. If you need additional help, you may call your local I.R.S. office. (Note: To make sure that you receive deniable service, two or more I.R.S. representatives sometimes listen in on calls.)
The governmentânot just the United States of
America but the government in generalâcould not function without the voluntary compliance of millions of citizens like you. You deserve excellence in the service that we in the government provide. We understand your need for simplification and paperwork reduction. We, too, are ordinary taxpayers in most cases. Without your taxes and prompt selection of a category on Line 46a, we would not be able to do a number of things that the government has to do: provide essential social services; fund projects; build bridges, cul-de-sacs, and roads; and regulate interstate trade. In return, you have a right to expect that what happens to you will be applied fairly and across the board. We are reaching out to bring noncompliers back into the program, to insure that everyone does his or her part. We are vigorously pursuing enforcement of category choice, so that every citizen receives no fewer than two categories to choose from, and no more.
America but the government in generalâcould not function without the voluntary compliance of millions of citizens like you. You deserve excellence in the service that we in the government provide. We understand your need for simplification and paperwork reduction. We, too, are ordinary taxpayers in most cases. Without your taxes and prompt selection of a category on Line 46a, we would not be able to do a number of things that the government has to do: provide essential social services; fund projects; build bridges, cul-de-sacs, and roads; and regulate interstate trade. In return, you have a right to expect that what happens to you will be applied fairly and across the board. We are reaching out to bring noncompliers back into the program, to insure that everyone does his or her part. We are vigorously pursuing enforcement of category choice, so that every citizen receives no fewer than two categories to choose from, and no more.
Our goal is full compliance from every citizen by the end of the decade. You will make this easier by filing voluntarily and without frivolous objection. Your decision, whatever it may be, will help us to see a little farther into the future, to a day when the government can do away with such necessities. Thank you again for making the only choice you can.
T
hank you for calling the No-Show Jobs Hotline. If you are interested in no-show or seldom-show employment with state, federal, or other agencies, and are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line and a representative will assist you. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, please press “1.”
hank you for calling the No-Show Jobs Hotline. If you are interested in no-show or seldom-show employment with state, federal, or other agencies, and are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line and a representative will assist you. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, please press “1.”
If you are inquiring about the job as Part-Time Counsel to the State Assembly Committee on Federal-State Relations, you must first submit to a brief interview. Do you possess a valid degree from an accredited school? (If the answer is “yes,” press “1.”) Are you over the age of twenty-one? (If the answer is “yes,” press “1.”) Do you possess an answering machine? (If “yes,” press “1.”) Congratulationsâyou're hired! Salary checks will be issued on the first and fifteenth of every month, delivered to you by next-day express or wired directly to your bank account, as you request.
The following up-to-the-minute listing of unclaimed no-show jobs is provided courtesy of a friend of Janet's father's from when he was doing the books for the County Assessor's office:
Liaison to the Transportation Safety Committee. A plum no-show, ideal for boy- or girlfriend of higher-up government official. Some signing of documents required;
Secretary to the Special Counsel to the State Assembly. No typing, dictation, or other office chores mar this great free-ride opportunity. Twice-yearly semi-mandatory attendance at opening of legislative sessions calls for public servant with flexible schedule;
Administrative Director of the Temporary State Commission to Revise the Social Services Law. After-tax salary of $1,346 biweekly, plus pension and full health and dental, provides peace of mind, walking-around money;
Special Assistant to the Subcommittee on Transportation. Applicant must have knowledge of all surface routes from home to nearest cash machine. Proof of United States residency suggested;
Director of Government Operations for the State Senate Majority Leader. Duties include filing for personal parking space in State House Lot No. 1 and making occasional nuisance calls. Eighteen thousand per year, plus benefits;
Ten-Thousand-Dollar-a-Month Campaign Strategist (Unaffiliated). Payee may endorse compensation either with own name or “For deposit.” Please note that space below endorsement line is for bank use only.
Planning a midweek getaway? No-show jobholders may take advantage of the lowest off-peak rates at resorts, hotels, and casinos. All you need is a paid
associate to cover for you on the remote chance that something comes up, and the latest in sophisticated cellular call-forwarding. In addition, custom communication services such as Call Reversing and Automatic Call Disconnect can buy extra vacation time, should you wish it. The No-Show Jobs Hotline provides free travel arrangements in return for a small promotional announcement stuck on your airline seat back. Don't forget that you may be entitled to up to six weeks' paid vacation over and above vacations you take on your own. In most cases, the accounting department is required to cut those checks for you at the beginning of the paid vacation period,
before
the dates on which such payments would normally fall due. Unless you are watchful. office personnel may withhold money owed simply because they show up regularly and you don't. Get to know these people! Your ability to match first names with office extension numbers can mean the difference between prompt payment and an inconvenient trip downtown. Obtain a detailed office roster of accounting, payroll, and disbursement staffs and study it in your spare time. You may even wish to meet a few of the more important staffers in person when you happen to be in the neighborhood, on the way to or from the airport. Just because a job requires no effort doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
associate to cover for you on the remote chance that something comes up, and the latest in sophisticated cellular call-forwarding. In addition, custom communication services such as Call Reversing and Automatic Call Disconnect can buy extra vacation time, should you wish it. The No-Show Jobs Hotline provides free travel arrangements in return for a small promotional announcement stuck on your airline seat back. Don't forget that you may be entitled to up to six weeks' paid vacation over and above vacations you take on your own. In most cases, the accounting department is required to cut those checks for you at the beginning of the paid vacation period,
before
the dates on which such payments would normally fall due. Unless you are watchful. office personnel may withhold money owed simply because they show up regularly and you don't. Get to know these people! Your ability to match first names with office extension numbers can mean the difference between prompt payment and an inconvenient trip downtown. Obtain a detailed office roster of accounting, payroll, and disbursement staffs and study it in your spare time. You may even wish to meet a few of the more important staffers in person when you happen to be in the neighborhood, on the way to or from the airport. Just because a job requires no effort doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
A
: I was having sex. I had had sex previously, found that I enjoyed it, and so was having it again. With a sexual partner, I screwed all over the floor. Orgasms were multiple for the both of us. I took a lover, also. Plus I had a tryst with a fellow in the shower room of the old Grand Avenue Y. I turned an empty office at work into a snuggery, and made use of it. I became proficient not only in standard English, but also in tavern English. I cursed like a sailor or sometimes like a navvy. I mixed obscenities with profanities at will when the spirit moved me, using anatomical and physiological terms, inferences of parentage, and blasphemies. When called upon, I could turn the air blue.
: I was having sex. I had had sex previously, found that I enjoyed it, and so was having it again. With a sexual partner, I screwed all over the floor. Orgasms were multiple for the both of us. I took a lover, also. Plus I had a tryst with a fellow in the shower room of the old Grand Avenue Y. I turned an empty office at work into a snuggery, and made use of it. I became proficient not only in standard English, but also in tavern English. I cursed like a sailor or sometimes like a navvy. I mixed obscenities with profanities at will when the spirit moved me, using anatomical and physiological terms, inferences of parentage, and blasphemies. When called upon, I could turn the air blue.
Oral sex.
See what I mean? I did not (and do not) shrink from explicit language. If you are shocked, or perhaps are feeling ambivalent about what I am saying, good. Sexual practices should be more open, and no one knows this better than I. When the young shopgirls in their sheer blouses and blank faces come ankling
into the elevator, my expression turns unmistakably sensual. I simply drip with sex. It oozes from my every pore, which I like, and they do, too. And when I see a strapping young hoss of a guy the experience is remarkably similar. I wiggle like a streetwalker and go right up to him and say, “Hello, my name is Mr. Bascom.” I garden in the near-nude in the residential community where I live. I put on a pair of coveralls only when the weather is chilly or I'm doing landscaping. If my neighbors are offended, they shouldn't be. I have an excellent, heavyset body. We are all deeply sexual beings.
into the elevator, my expression turns unmistakably sensual. I simply drip with sex. It oozes from my every pore, which I like, and they do, too. And when I see a strapping young hoss of a guy the experience is remarkably similar. I wiggle like a streetwalker and go right up to him and say, “Hello, my name is Mr. Bascom.” I garden in the near-nude in the residential community where I live. I put on a pair of coveralls only when the weather is chilly or I'm doing landscaping. If my neighbors are offended, they shouldn't be. I have an excellent, heavyset body. We are all deeply sexual beings.
I met a young woman with a criterion figure and bedroom eyes at a sales event the other day. I mentally undressed her, then re-dressed her. She noticed the pertinacious quality of my stare, and asked, “What are you looking at, Mr. Johnsberry?” I mumbled a pleasantry and looked away. She knew as well as I did that if we wanted, we could screw. I could tell she was appraising me, wondering what I'd be like in the sack, and if I was a swordsman. I wouldn't have been at all surprised if she had a mental image of me bare-butt naked. So much the better. I informed her that my name was Mr. Bemis, and that I would very much enjoy her company in my hotel suite later in the evening. We began chatting. The sexual tension, undercurrents, and electricity in the air were so thick you could have seen them, while our colleagues leered at us with a casual knowingness.
Her name was Ms. Buxbaum, and Christ, what a great lay she turned out to be! After the obligatory
postcoital cigarette, I immediately went to church and confessed my sins and was shriven for them, the peace of divine forgiveness filling me as I bent over the prayer rail in my fellow-congregants' holy, homely scent of soap and dry-cleaned wool and Sunday shoe polish. By the renewed light of the high chancel windows I signed my name, Mr. Randsworthy, in the registry. Then it was back to the hotel. My lover at the time was a male nurse, and you know how nurses are. He was lithe, sloe-eyed, and rather matter-of-fact about sex, as are many young men who work in hospitals. We discovered a mutual pursuit that gave us enormous pleasure: screwing our heads off.
postcoital cigarette, I immediately went to church and confessed my sins and was shriven for them, the peace of divine forgiveness filling me as I bent over the prayer rail in my fellow-congregants' holy, homely scent of soap and dry-cleaned wool and Sunday shoe polish. By the renewed light of the high chancel windows I signed my name, Mr. Randsworthy, in the registry. Then it was back to the hotel. My lover at the time was a male nurse, and you know how nurses are. He was lithe, sloe-eyed, and rather matter-of-fact about sex, as are many young men who work in hospitals. We discovered a mutual pursuit that gave us enormous pleasure: screwing our heads off.
Yes, I believe in lap dancing. Far from censuring it, I wholeheartedly encourage it as a healthy outlet. At the end of a long day, with my colleagues Mr. Pixley, Mr. Simpkins, et al., I often spend a few wickedly relaxing hours at a small club I know of where lap dancing is done. To have a well-built entertainer of either sex clad in little more than thong, pasties, and/or black bow tie sit in one's lap and gyrate has a marvellous effect. In this, of course, my views come into direct conflict with those of many. I believe that opposition to lap dancing is a destructive holdover from the Puritans, and have argued my point on a number of occasions, even with members of my own familyâmy children, and their spouses or companions. By now they know enough not to expect moralizing pabulum from me.
The children's mother, Ms. Frampton, and I had great sex throughout our long marriage and, quite
candidly, before, when we were just a couple of randy college kids shacking up. In those days, Johnson (my pet name for my or any penis) could become an ivory wand virtually at command and achieve orgasm in just a few penile thrusts. Then, as now, I wore painted-on trousers with stirrups at the cuffs to pull them down even tighter, and my fiancee, Ms. Samples, did the same. We acquired a reputation on campus for unashamed and forthright behavior, which I have maintained ever since. All the kids except Gary know the time, place, and erotic circumstances of their conception, and are stronger for it. All the kids except Gary can tell you the particulars, thus freeing themselves and others from prudery and cant. When I heard that Gary was having problems at school, I flew up on the shuttle first thing the next morning, met with the Dean, Mr. Bentley, had sex, and thrashed out the whole situation. The following term, Gary's marks were back up where they belonged. Neither I, Gary's mother, nor his probable biological dad ever spared any effort with Gary, which is why I find some of his recent remarks unsubstantiated.
candidly, before, when we were just a couple of randy college kids shacking up. In those days, Johnson (my pet name for my or any penis) could become an ivory wand virtually at command and achieve orgasm in just a few penile thrusts. Then, as now, I wore painted-on trousers with stirrups at the cuffs to pull them down even tighter, and my fiancee, Ms. Samples, did the same. We acquired a reputation on campus for unashamed and forthright behavior, which I have maintained ever since. All the kids except Gary know the time, place, and erotic circumstances of their conception, and are stronger for it. All the kids except Gary can tell you the particulars, thus freeing themselves and others from prudery and cant. When I heard that Gary was having problems at school, I flew up on the shuttle first thing the next morning, met with the Dean, Mr. Bentley, had sex, and thrashed out the whole situation. The following term, Gary's marks were back up where they belonged. Neither I, Gary's mother, nor his probable biological dad ever spared any effort with Gary, which is why I find some of his recent remarks unsubstantiated.
From the point of view of one who has spent the balance of his life pursuing vigorous sexual intercourse and sport-screwing, I can say that public attitudes have changed for the better. I give people like myself credit for this. How easy it would have been for me and my contemporaries to continue the backstairs bundling and fondling and frottage that characterized earlier times. But I am an avowed hedonist and sensualist, whose lasting legacy will be more of
the same. I don't care how the future may judge me, Mr. Spradlin, as long as it acknowledges that I chased after anything in a skirt or trousers and mounted and was mounted freely. The sexual response is a pleasure given by God, in most cases. To deny this is to deny a natural desire to hear about my sex life and the sex lives of thousands of other businesspeople no different from ourselves.
the same. I don't care how the future may judge me, Mr. Spradlin, as long as it acknowledges that I chased after anything in a skirt or trousers and mounted and was mounted freely. The sexual response is a pleasure given by God, in most cases. To deny this is to deny a natural desire to hear about my sex life and the sex lives of thousands of other businesspeople no different from ourselves.
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