Crash Into You (6 page)

“I did know, she explained it on the phone! And I didn’t beg! You stole my keys at the gas station and refused to let me go anywhere without you!”

“Well,” Eric says, debating the statement in his mind slowly, “if you want to get technical about it, I guess, that’s true, but-“

“Again! Not the point!” I practically yell at them. “Help me!”

“Okay, okay, just relax.” Angelina places her tiny hands on me and pushes me slowly back toward the curb where she sits me down, and places her small body on one side of me, her arm still around me. “It’s going to be okay, you just need to relax. You can do this, it’s Nathan, and the truth was going to come out eventually. He will calm down, he just found out a lot of people he really cares about have been keeping things from him. Let him calm down.”

“She’s right,” Eric says from the other side of me, he’s rubbing small circles on my back now, trying to get me to calm down. “But you need to calm down too, you need to relax, and just breathe.”

I take their words in, trying to process them deeply, but it’s really hard. It’s hard to keep my body and mind calm when the biggest secret of your life has just been revealed to the person you’ve cared about the most in your life. I knew they were right though, there was no way I was going to be able to keep the situation under control, or me and Nathan’s emotions under control if I didn’t calm the fuck down. The problem was that I didn’t know how to get him to listen to me, I didn’t know how I could possibly explain how I felt the whole time I was in there. It felt like he already had his mind up, like nothing I said mattered.

“He’s just so angry.” I’m trying to make sense of all the fuzz and drama that’s playing back and forth inside my head. “He has no idea what it was like in there, he thinks he was just an after thought, when he was one of my only thoughts.”

“Well,” Eric says, looking a little guilty, “I might be able to help with that.”

“Thanks,” I sigh, “but you’re the last person that should be talking to him, he probably wouldn’t believe anything you said to him, and would end up kicking your ass, or something.”

Eric drops his hand from where it was just resting a second ago on my back, and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “First of all, no one would be kicking my ass, like, come on, don’t make me laugh.”

I shoot Angelina a look, and catch a smile creeping over her face.

“Second of all,” he continues, “that’s not what I meant at all.” He gets up, and strides easily back to the car, swinging the front door open, and disappearing inside.

I lean my head on Angelina’s tiny shoulder, inhaling her scent deeply, trying to stay in this moment with her, this moment where all that matters is here and now, with my best friend.

 
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I whisper.

“You’re going to do what you always do, Tor, what you have to.”

Before I have a chance to answer her, Eric’s standing in front of us again, with my secret journal in his hand.

“Here you go,” Eric says, holding it out proudly.

“Where did you get that?” I exclaim. It comes out as more of a scream than a real question. I jump up from my place on the small sidewalk and grab it out of his hand as fast as I can, like if I wait a second longer it would vanish forever.

“Your room,” he tells me. He says it like it’s completely normal for him to be looking around in my room, trying to find things like secret journals. “When Angelina told me you called freaking out, I figured it had something to do with the wellness center, so I went and got it for you, in case it could be of help. Which, it is, cause I’m always right.”

“That’s impossible. I hid it.” I flip through the pages, like maybe it’s just a journal that looks like the one I had in the wellness center, but it’s really something different, something pretending to be my journal. They're all there though, every single horrible page, every single awful detail from those three months.

“Oh, please, like I don’t know your hiding spots. I mean, under your mattress is the first place I looked.”

“That’s why you made us stop back at the hotel!” Angelina says, jumping up from where she was just sitting a second earlier.

“But how did you manage to get in?” I ask suspiciously.

Eric smirks, “like I would ever reveal my secrets, although that dog of yours almost blew my cover, barking in every which direction.” He rolls his eyes, like it’s Moe’s fault he has social anxiety!

“What’s in this thing anyway?” Angelina asks, grabbing the notebook out of my hand and started to flip through it.

I make a quick grab for it, but she moves it out of my reach before I can get a good grip on it.

“That,” Eric says, pulling me further away from Angelina and my journal, “is her journal from the time she was in the wellness center. Every single detail of how she felt is in that thing, which I can only assume means it’s almost completely all about Nathan.”

I shoot him a look, but he raises his eyebrows at me, and I stay silent. Mostly because I know he’s right, and he knows he’s right, no sense in getting in an argument I’ll lose. I had enough to deal with at the moment.

“So what! What does that matter at all?”

“Um,” Angelina stops flipping through the pages now and moves a little closer to me, wrapping her arms around me again, “because he needs to read this, Tor.”

I pull away from her, was she crazy? There was no way in hell I could let Nathan read that. It was filled with emotions I never wanted to feel again, filled with days and nights I never wanted to relive, or be reminded of. I was in one of the darkest places of my life, why would I ever want Nathan to see that? Why would I ever want anyone to know that?

“Are you guys both crazy? I can’t show him that!”

“Of course you can,” Eric rolls his eyes.

“You have to! Think about it, this is the only way to make him realize everything that was on your mind, only way to make him realize how much you cared about him.” Angelina’s voice is soft now, the kind of voice she uses when she’s trying to get through to me, trying to make me understand what’s best.

Was she right? Was this really the only way? I have a flash of Nathan’s face in my mind, hurt and angry, confused and torn. She was right. I couldn’t see him listening to anything else I had to say. Not anytime soon, anyway.

“Come on, it can’t get any worse, maybe this will help. And if it doesn’t, you’re no worse off than you were before.” Angelina’s rubbing my back again.

I take in a deep breath. I know she’s right. I have to do what I have to do, but what if it’s not enough? What if I go in there, putting my heart on the line all over again, and Nathan still wants nothing to do with it? What if it’s still not worth it to him?

“I’m scared,” I admit softly.

 
“I know, but you can do this.”

“You can totally do this,” Eric adds for extra support.

Angelina places the journal gently in my hands, gives me a tiny hug, and then takes a few steps away from me, grabbing Eric by the shoulder to pull him after her toward the car. “We’ll be close by, in case you need us! You can do this!”

And then they’re gone, pulling out of the parking spot slowly, almost as if they were never there to begin with.

I glance down at the worn notebook in my hand, and sigh, forcing myself to walk back inside the hotel room before I lose my nerve.

Once I’m inside, I close the door behind me, and glance toward the bathroom door, where the door is still safely shut. I gather up all the courage I have and walk slowly toward the bathroom. I place my hand on the door, sighing deeply, then crouch down and slide the notebook through the bottom of the door to the other side. Then I walk over to the bed, sit down, and wait for the worst.

An hour and a half later, I’m still on the bed, feeling just as hopeless as ever. What if he fell asleep in there or something? Or what if he hadn’t even bothered reading it? Maybe it was still sitting there on the floor, or maybe he had even torn it up and flushed it down the toilet. God, what was he doing in there? It was so tiny; I definitely would have felt claustrophobic by now.

I’m just about to text Angelina and tell her she should come back, that I have no idea what else to do when I hear the bathroom door click open. I shoot up in bed so fast that I feel all the blood rush to my head.

Nathan’s standing in front of the bathroom door, studying me. My journal is in his hand; his hair is sticking up in a few different directions. He looks stressed, and still filled with a type of pain I wish I would never have to witness on him. His eyes are burning into mine, searching for some type of cure, some type of sense of everything he has just read.

I feel tears start to form behind my eyes, and then he’s in front of me, in a few easy strides, reminding me of just how slick and graceful he is all over again. He’s so close to me that I can feel his breathing on my neck. I look down, nervous, and ashamed at the same time. He reaches his hand out and lifts my chin so my eyes meet him again. My body shoots electricity up and down every inch at just the littlest touch.

His eyes burn into mine with desire, with need and want. It’s a want I haven’t felt from him in so long, one I’ve craved and dreamed of for months and months. I try to return the look, try to let him know that I want to be there just as much in that moment, but I can’t describe the need.

“What you went through, and how I’ve treated you… I’m so sorry…”

I open my mouth to try and find words, but nothing comes out. I’m too busy looking at him, studying him. I don’t ever want to be far away from him again, I want him to stay this close to me forever. I stand on my tippy-
toes,
leaning into him, and a second later his mouth is on mine.

The kiss is soft at first, but within seconds our mouths are widening, deepening with desire. I remember instantly how good his taste his, how his tongue inside my mouth felt, how his hands in my hair while he held my head into place was enough to drive me crazy.

He pushes me back onto the bed, never breaking the contact he has with my mouth. I feel the fire starting to deepen in my soul, the hotness of his touch washing over me, filling every crack of desire I had for him in the past months.

I grip my hands around the back of his neck tighter, not wanting to ever let him go again, our kisses are hungry now, not letting the other get any sort of breath in. I part my legs, allowing his body to settle in between me, not planning on letting him go any time soon.

He’s kissing my neck now, and I can feel my breathing starting to get heavy, the moans that burn in my throat coming out in every which direction. He’s sucking, teasing me,
making
me to feel like I might explode if I don’t get more. One of his hands is lower now, rubbing me through my pants, I can feel my wetness starting to soak through my panties, driving me crazy.

“Nathan,” I moan in his ear, barely being able to control myself.

He pops the button on my jeans easily, slipping his hand inside of them, starting to rub me through my wet panties. His eyes are on me, watching my face for my reaction. I bite my lip trying to hold back my moans. He groans in satisfaction and smoothers my lips with his again.

I gasp into his mouth as he takes his hand out of my pants and slips it up the front of my shirt. Then his mouth is on my stomach, kissing from my belly button up toward the bottom of my bra. He pulls his sweatshirt and my shirt over the top of my head in one swift motion, tossing them on the floor. Then his lips are back on my skin without missing a beat, this time kissing my cleavage slowly. He slips one of my breasts out of my bra and I feel like I’m about to explode before he ever starts sucking on it. He takes one of my nipples in his mouth, gently sucking on it at first, smothering it with kisses, but then he starts kissing it more aggressive, more hungry and lustfully.

“Nathan,” I gasp.

He looks up, searching my eyes for direction, then reaches his hands around my back and unsnaps my bra, pulling it off, and adding it to my growing pile of clothes on the floor. He goes to work on my nipples again, and I run my hands through his hair, barely able to control my excitement.

With all the strength I have, I pull his head away from my boobs and yank at his shirt, begging for it to come off. He obeys, revealing a flat and tan stomach with abs for days. I feel the hotness between my legs heat up at the sight of his perfection. I take in his stomach, searching his perfect body, and he does the same to me.

He reaches down, pushing the hair out of my face softly. “You are so beautiful.”

I grab him, pulling his lips on mine again, not trusting myself to talk. The kisses are filled with passion and want, no control, no rules, just pure lust and obsession.

I feel his hand inside my jeans again, this time he goes right inside my panties, not wasting any time. He rubs me on the outside slowly for a few seconds, teasing me until I let out a pleading noise into him, then he slowly sticks his finger inside of me. One at first, and then two, this isn’t the first time he’s done this to me, but with each movement, I’m reminded how good he makes me feel, how each second keeps getting better and better. His movement is faster now, making my whole body start to shake with each motion.

I can feel him starting to get hard against my leg now, and I realize suddenly how bad I want him inside of me, how bad I want to make love to him. I reach my hand between him, starting to rub him through his shorts, and this time he’s the one who lets out a moan.

“Take my pants off,” I tell him breathlessly.

He pauses, the want and lust burning through his gaze. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I tell him without missing a beat.

He does easily, and I grip the string on his shorts telling him what I want, he pauses for a second, and I pull harder. This time he slides his shorts off, and I take in his body in nothing but his boxers. So sexy, so perfect, and right here in this moment, it was completely and totally mine.

I take all the courage I have left inside my soul and slide my underwear down across my knees, and push them toward the bottom of the bed. Nathan looks at me all over, taking in the sight of me. I sit up, grabbing him in another kiss, not wanting to break contact for too long.

I explore the inside of his mouth with my tongue, and push his boxers down with my hand, revealing his excitement. I slowly start to rub it with my hand, unsure of what I’m doing with it. I’ve never even seen one before. I just know that this feels so right. I fall back on the bed, bringing him with me.

“Are you sure? We don’t have too…” he trails off, again trying to make sure I actually want to do this.

“I’m sure,” I say, kissing him again.

He pulls away again, reaching to his wallet that’s on the table next to us. It takes me a second to realize he’s ripping open a condom, and slowly slipping it on himself. I realize in that moment how real this is, we’re really doing this. I’m really going to have sex, and I’m not even scared. I’m not scared because it’s with Nathan, having sex with Nathan is what I’ve wanted. Nathan being the first person I give myself to feels like the best and most right thing I’ve done in a really long time.

Once he’s situated, he starts kissing me again. Slower this time, more intimate. I can feel how hard he is between my legs and the anticipation of what’s about to happen is killing me. Finally, he pulls away, burning desire thorough me. I nod, letting him know I’m ready.

And then I feel him sliding slowly inside of me. One splurge of pain flows through my body, and I can feel him pause over me.

“Keep going.”

He goes a little deeper, and I can feel him inside me. He does this a few more times, pausing and going deeper and deeper until he’s situated almost completely inside of me. It’s painful, but only at first. And it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, the knowledge of Nathan being inside of me almost over takes every other feeling I have in my body anyway.

“Are you okay?” he asks me, so soft that it’s a whisper.

I reach up and pull his lips on mine in response, and then he’s moving inside of me gently, slowly at first, and then a little faster. Back and forth, and in and out, rocking my hips slowly. With each thrust, the pleasure deepens for me, and when he pulls away the look on his face makes me burn with passion and happiness. He’s enjoying it, and knowing I’m making him feel that good is thrilling to me.

“Baby,” he moans, “you’re so tight.”

I pull his lips on mine again, my hands running up and down his back as he keeps thrusting in and out of me, I can feel him breathing heavy and panting before he gives one final thrust and releases himself inside of me.

He collapses on the bed next to me, pulling me closely to his chest. I stay there, listening to his heart slow down and his breathing starting to return to normal. I’m completely absorbed in this moment, and I close my eyes, begging for it to never end, because in this moment I know without a doubt that I’m completely and totally in love with Nathan Daley.

***

Ten minutes later I’m still in bed, the covers around me, staring up at the ceiling when Nathan comes back to bed from cleaning himself up. He climbs inside the covers with me, now in a pair of basketball shorts and pulls me close to him again.

Being here with him in this moment is so much more than I thought it would be. I thought it would be amazing, but I hadn’t realized just how amazing until after it had happened.

I turn and look up and him, meeting his eyes.

“You’re so amazing,” he tells me, kissing me softly. I can see it in his eyes, how happy he is to me with me, how glad he is that somehow we could make this work in our own delusional world, because the truth still sucked.

The truth was that nothing had changed expect Nathan’s knowledge of the situation. I still wasn’t supposed to be with him, I still had all the same problems.

“Nathan, what am I going to do? We can’t tell people you know, we have to-“

He breaks off my sentence by kissing me again, harder this time.

When he finally pulls away, he shakes his head. “We aren’t doing this now, right here in this moment, it’s about us, and what we have to do when we get back, well we will figure that out. But this time together.”

“Together?” I ask.

“Together,” he says, playing with my hair. “You’re not alone anymore, Shell, I’m here. I’m here.”

I sigh, and allow myself to relax into his embrace.

Whatever lays ahead, whatever we have to do when we get back…I have the person who has my heart with me now, and maybe, just maybe, things wont be as scary with Nathan to fight my battles with me.