Crashed into Love: Boxed Set (26 page)

Nikolai shoved hands in his blue aviation overalls
as I hauled myself to my feet. Did he come from the hangar? Was the
investigation still on going? What really happened in the crash? How bad had it
been?

“Mikin. It’s good to see you’re alive. It was a bit
hairy for a while.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say. The Nikolai from
my coma kept trying to weave with the one standing in front of me, and I
couldn’t decipher between what happened and what didn’t. This Nikolai hadn’t
apologised for stealing Charlotte’s life. Nor was he likely to.

He looked at the grass then shot Joslyn a smile.
“Glad to hear your leg is on the mend.”

She nodded reservedly. “Thanks. How’s the
investigation going?”

Nikolai shrugged. “Still on. It’s gonna take a while
to bag all the remains and evidence. Slowly getting there.” He stopped and
pierced me with hazel eyes. “Mikin, I need to talk to you.” His gaze flickered
to Joslyn and back to me.

Shit, was this really going to happen? Did I somehow
mind-warp him into doing this? Some freaky higher sense? I struggled to combat
the queasiness in my brain. Joslyn didn’t know what happened to Charlotte. I
didn’t want her to know.

“Jos, will you go find Nina. Make sure she’s okay?”

She smiled and pecked my cheek. “Sure. Don’t be too
long, or I’ll track you down.”

Watching her go, I was struck with the end of my
life as I knew it. Nothing would be the same again. Everything I held valuable
in my life was ruined.

I turned my attention to Nik. “Say what you want to,
Rivers.”

He sighed, gathering his thoughts. “When I got the
report I was to head an investigation on a downed aircraft in Samoa, I didn’t
know you were on board. The moment I did, I rushed to the hospital. You looked
awful lying there. You looked dead.” He chocked, clearing his throat. “There’s
a lot of mess between us, Liam, but seeing you like that? It hurt. My childhood
friend was mangled. You looked so much like Charlotte when she died. And I knew
I’d never rest till I could finally apologise like I should’ve all those years
ago.” His eyes blazed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I’m not asking
for that, but I want you to know how sorry I am.”

My chest deflated. How could I tell him he’d
apologised twice? My mind made him do it. I’d already had closure. My eyes
widened. Crap, for the first time I didn’t think of Nik with furious hatred and
shame.
I have closure, after ten years
. It was freeing, and compassion
filled me. It was time to grant him the same peace. This time it was for him.

I reached out, offering my hand. “I accept your
apology.”

Nik blinked, his mouth gaping open. “You sure you’re
coherent, Mikin? I was expecting you to bite my head off.”

A tight grin pulled my lips. “Thought about it, but
it wasn’t entirely your fault. I need to let it go.” I broke the handshake and
leaned against the wall. My head pounded. I needed to lie down, but no way in
hell was I going back in that hospital. I couldn’t handle the pity looks; the
knowledge my career was over. I couldn’t risk seeing Nina. I’d break down and
wouldn’t be strong enough to do what I needed to. As much as I wanted to run in
there—alright, hobble—and crawl into bed with her and try and return to our
dream-world, I needed to fix myself. And I couldn’t have her there to see me
struggle.

A sudden thought struck me. “There is something you
can do for me, though.”

“Anything. Name your price.” 

Refusing to think how betrayed Nina would feel, I
muttered, “Get me off this stinking island. I need to leave.” I couldn’t be
around Nina or Jos while I got my head around my new future. I refused to let
them see me as an invalid. I wanted Nina. I hadn’t given up on what we shared.
It wasn’t in my capabilities to walk away from her forever, but I wasn’t the
man I wanted to be right now.

I was calling a timeout. Was it weak of me to bolt?
Probably. But ultimately I was doing it for my future with Nina. My self-pity
party was over.

Time for hard work and a reboot. 

And I needed to do it on my own.

S
ix hours.

Six unbelievably long hours I’d sat like a good
little girl in my bed, subjected to a triage of doctors, needles, tests, and
questions.  Joslyn came to see me a while ago, saying Liam was getting some
fresh air. I missed him. I knew he needed space to deal with everything, but I
wanted to be there for him. And at the same time I needed him to be there for
me. I didn’t want him to think he was alone. Who cared if he didn’t know how to
fly anymore? He could relearn. What mattered was he was alive, and we shared
the same experiences. We loved each other. That would be enough to help him
through the rough future. Wouldn’t it?

The door to my room opened and my heart stopped
beating.

“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t work out if I
knew this man, or if he was a complete stranger from Sydney. Our entire
interaction in real life was a plane ride and a dance. Not the subconscious
kiss or sad confession over dinner. The two ideals in my head wouldn’t align.

I narrowed my eyes as Nikolai walked tentatively
toward my bed.

If I looked hard enough there were differences about
him. His skin was slightly more weathered in real life, his hair a little
shorter. It seemed odd, but it was as if I looked at two versions—the coma one
being a few years younger. Was that Liam’s doing?

Nikolai stopped at the foot of my bed, shooting me a
shy smile. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

Awkwardness stole my words. Forcing myself to stop
staring, I mumbled again, “What are you doing here?”

“I was called in to work on the crash investigation.
Engineer, remember?” He pointed at his chest. “I told you in Sydney?”

Crap, so I’d somehow threaded reality with fiction?
How did I know he would be working the crash in my dream? Why was he here? We
were effectively strangers, despite me knowing a lot of his past.

We stared at each other till Nikolai coughed. “I’m
here on an errand for Liam.”

I blinked. He was running messages? Since when? They
didn’t get along. Not in the world I’d been living in for the past few days, or
was it weeks?

“What sort of errand?” My voice wavered. Somehow my
gut already knew. He’d left. The moment he realized he couldn’t fly, I knew it
would be too much for him. The open skies were his Prozac—his salvation to all
the other crap in his life. If he couldn’t fly, he couldn’t cope.
No, don’t
tell me
. I didn’t want to know if I was right.

Nikolai came to the side of the bed, and took my
hand.

My flesh was cooler than his; it was odd touching
him.

“He wanted me to get it exactly right.” He frowned.
“Let’s see if I remember word for word. He said he had to leave. He can’t deal
with the knowledge he doesn’t have a career. He doesn’t want to burden you by
not being the man you fell in love with.” His face twitched, and with his free
hand he pulled a scrap piece of paper from his back pocket.

“This is for you.”

I took it with fumbling fingers.

Nina,

I know you must think I’m a coward for running, but
it’s all I can do to keep my sanity.

This isn’t goodbye.

Everything we shared in dream-paradise is real in my
mind, and I’m coming back for you. But only when I’m whole again—when I deserve
you and not before.

I love you. I’ll find you.

Liam.

My body shook. He’d left. After everything we’d been
through together, he upped and left. I hated that I was right. Tears crushed my
eyeballs, hot and heavy. Bastard. Didn’t he think I needed him for my own sanity?
What about what I wanted? He was the only one who could remind me I hadn’t gone
nuts. That everything I lived and felt was real not imaginary.

Terror filled me at the thought that everything we
experienced might fade into some residual dream… disappearing into a void,
never to be found again. Dammit, he’d sentenced us to fail before we’d even
begun. My chest squeezed tighter, leaving me no oxygen. “He left me,” I
whispered.

Nikolai nodded, eyes heavy with compassion. “I asked
him if he was making the right decision, but he needs to do this.” He gave me a
wry smile. “If you knew him like I used to, you’d know he tends to sink into
his head to deal with change.”

“Yes, that’s true. He said he didn’t speak for a
week when Cha—”I slapped a hand over my mouth. Way to bring up a super touchy
subject.

Nikolai froze, his hand jerked out of mine. “He told
you? How? When?”

I frowned at the guilt and pain shadowing his face.
My heart squeezed for him. In a way, even though Liam lost a sibling, Nikolai
lost more. He lost his future when she died. An odd kindred sprang between
us—perhaps it was due to being abandoned by Liam when I needed him most, but I
knew Nikolai needed someone to be there for him. Unfortunately, that person
wouldn’t be me. My emotions were too complex—complicated by a world that never
happened.

“Let’s just say I know about what happened, and you
need to move on. Or at least let go of your guilt and allow yourself to grieve
without berating yourself.” How did this turn from me being the one who needed
comforting to offering the support?
Dammit, Liam. Where are you?
Why the
hell had the hospital let him out? My eyes widened at the thought he might not
be safe gallivanting around without being cleared by a doctor.

Nikolai didn’t speak, too wrapped up in ghosts of
the past.

Jerking him back to the present, I asked, “Do you
know where Liam went? What did the doctor say?”

He closed his eyes for a moment before physically
shaking himself. “He went to see the overseeing surgeon before I took him where
he wanted to go. They’ve referred him to a facility to continue getting care.
He’s to stay there until they’re content with the outcome of his surgery.”

“And where did you take him?” Was he deliberately
being obtuse? “Did he go back to New Zealand?” I didn’t know about brain
injuries, but wouldn’t the pressure of the cabin do something odd? Hell, he’d
been in a coma for twenty-two days he should be in
bed
. Next to me.
Healing. Talking. Reminiscing about our unconventional hook-up and planning our
future. Tears pressed again but anger helped push them back. If he was strong
enough to walk away from me, I was strong enough not to care. Leaving was a
cowardly thing to do—and I wouldn’t sit around waiting for him to ‘find me’.

Where did my life go so wrong?

Nikolai must’ve read the tightening of my jaw and
concluded I was pissed. He was right. “You can’t hate him for going, Nina. He
lost his wings. That’s huge for him. If you know about…” he stopped, but forced
himself to continue, “Charlotte, you’ll understand that flying is his way of
dodging pain and things he can’t deal with. Without his wings, he doesn’t have
anything good in his life. Nothing to offer you. And he needs that. He needs to
feel like he can give you everything—including all of him.”

Why the hell did Nikolai care? He spoke so
reverently of his ex-best friend, making me feel guilty for not seeing Liam’s
ditching me as his defence mechanism and not a weakness. I didn’t want to
understand and forgive him. I wanted him here. With me.
Now.

Tears escaped my iron will, leaking down my cheeks.
“Isn’t that for me to decide? I could’ve helped him. We could have
rehabilitated together.”

He shook his head. “Don’t you see? He couldn’t ask
you to do that. He needs to find his own way back to who he was. Don’t hate
him. He just needs to be alone right now.”

What about me? I didn’t want to be alone.

The door opened again and the one person I never
thought to see in the world came in.

Father.

Oh God. What was he doing here? I couldn’t do this.
I didn’t have the reserves to deal with another argument.

Nikolai gave me a soft smile. “Don’t give up on him,
Nina. He’ll find you when he’s ready.” Giving me one last look, he nodded at
the new visitor and left.

I froze, clutching my sheets. Loneliness wrapped me
in its empty embrace. My situation hit home for the first time. I was in a
hospital, in Samoa, and the man I’d given my heart to—trusted to be there for
me—had gone. For a day, a month, a year… who knew for how long?

A tinkling sensation happened in my chest and I swore
it was my heart shattering into unfixable pieces.

Tears leaked faster, but I swiped at my cheeks.
You
will survive this. You were strong without a man, you will be strong now.
I’d go home and continue with my life as if nothing happened. Hopefully, in
time, I’d grow to think of my coma-dream as exactly as it was—a fantasy. Not
real. Mind-candy—sweet, rich, delicious, and entirely bad for me. Now it was
time for a diet.

“Nina?” Dad asked, inching closer to the bed. His
receding hairline was unkempt, face lined with more wrinkles than last time I
saw him. “Nina…”

“I never, in a million years, thought I’d see you
here.” My voice wobbled and I hated myself for allowing Liam to hurt me this
way. Damn him!

“How could I not be here? I’m your father. When Kiwi
Air called me to tell me what happened…” Tears glossed his eyes and the gruff
man who raised me in a single parent home broke in front of me. “I’m so sorry.
For everything. I should never have told you who to be. I had no right. Are you
okay? Can you ever forgive me?” His torrent of words were a balm against all my
past hurt. I never thought I’d hear my father admit to being wrong, let alone
apologise. He was such a proud man.

“I forgive you,” I whispered.

His mouth twisted in both amazement and relief.
“I’ve missed you so much, little girl. I thought I’d lost you.” I let him
gather me gently in a hug and the smell of old spice and rosemary hit me. Home.
Liam might have left me, but the crash brought back my father.

He pulled away, smiling. “I was given a free flight
to come and see you if I acted as a representative of Kiwi Air. They wanted to
pass on their condolences and have booked you on a scheduled service to fly
back to NZ in three days.” He pulled an envelope from his corduroy pocket.
“They also offered a compensation package of ten thousand dollars for what
happened.” He pushed the cheque into my hand. “You can put that towards
anything, and I’ll be proud of you, whatever you do.”

My heart swelled and I looked away. I hadn’t told
him I held my pilot’s license in retaliation for his disowning me. I wasn’t
ready to tell him just yet. “Thanks for helping with the paperwork.”

The thought of going home was horrid, but at least
the money was a bonus. I could put it toward my license and be finished all the
more quicker. Then I’d leave and Liam would never find me. God, that really
pissed me off. What if I wanted to find
him
? Everything he’d done was so
unfair. He’d made me powerless.

Ignoring the hole where my heart used to be, I
smiled at my father.

He patted my hand and sighed. “I’m just so happy
you’re safe, Nina.”

* * * * *

Three days later I was stiff and achy, but after a
thorough investigation by Doctor Ali’tasi, I was cleared to go home. My father
and I had started the tentative relationship of being friendly again and he’d
decided to stay for another week, so I was flying home with Joslyn.

The hospital shuttle dropped me off at the airport
with an emergency travel document, as my belongings and passport had been
incinerated in the blaze. I had nothing to my name. Even the baggy jeans and
ugly paisley shirt I wore weren’t mine.

I sat in the departure lounge, staring at nothing.
My back was ramrod straight and my whiplash was only a twinge.

My thoughts had nothing to keep them occupied, and
Liam kept popping in to pour salt on my shredded heart. Images of him kissing
me in the waterfall; the exhilaration of flying together; the whispered “I’m
yours” when we slept together for the first and only time. I groaned, staring
at the ceiling. That was the thing I struggled with most—we’d never
actually
slept together. God, did I have orgasms in real life? Could people do that?
Have wet dreams in comas?

My eyes scanned the departure lounge, looking for
Joslyn. She said she’d meet me at the airport, but had yet to show. What she
was doing that was so important she might miss her flight home, I didn’t know.
If it was anything to do with Liam and she didn’t tell me, I’d string her up
with her hickey-hiding scarf.

Just as the call for our flight came over the
speakers, Joslyn hobbled around the corner. Her cheeks glowed pink from
exertion using crutches, and she looked odd with a pair of baggy cargo shorts,
cut wide for her cast. The stitches in her forehead had been removed and she
gave me a weary smile. “Sorry I’m late. Took longer than I thought.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What took longer than you
thought?” We ambled to the gate to wait in line to board. I looked behind me to
the seat, my hands unused to not having a bag or something to carry. I hated
not having anything that was mine, it was an eerie sense of not knowing who I
was—I owned nothing—nothing defined me.