Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (35 page)

“I love this room,” I said, lying down in the guest bedroom with Austin’s head on my stomach, looking around the space. “I actually thought this would be our first baby’s room when I bought this house,” I added, scratching his back.

“First?” he replied, peering up at me.

“I want four or five kids, Austin. So we will probably have to be buy a new house, but we’re good here for at least another two.”

“Is that right? Do you hear your mama? Already talking about giving you siblings. What do you think about that?” he asked my stomach, kissing it.

He started having conversations with the baby growing inside me since the day he found out I was pregnant, two months ago. Everyday he talked to my belly, it didn’t matter what it was about. He said the baby needed to learn his voice so it would know who its daddy was. Every night he sat with his head on my stomach, just to feel close to our child. It was the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed.

My heart was so full on most days. I could hardly take it.

When Austin first got out of rehab, I was scared that he was going to relapse again, but to my surprise every month it got a little easier. He never missed his weekly meetings, and he talked to his sponsor often. He told me his triggers were always there, but as the years went by it was easier to ignore them and take them for what they were.

The past.

His future was with me.

End. Of. Story.

We hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. I think we both wanted to enjoy it being just ours for as long as we could, knowing that his family and friends would soon want to be involved in everything they could. They had become like my own, taking me in and treating me like one of the family.

“That reminds me.” He got up. “I’ll be right back.”

I rubbed my belly while he was gone, loving the feel of something growing inside me.

Our love.

“I got you something,” Austin said, lying in the same position he was in before he left.

He handed me a box with baby animals and balloons decorated on it. I opened the lid and there was a soft pink baby blanket, a few pink, purple, and white baby onesies, all with sayings on them. I held up the pink one, it said, “Daddy’s baby girl.” The purple one said, “My other girl.” The white one made me laugh, it said, “Party at my crib 2 a.m. B.Y.O.B.” There were a few bibs with similar sayings on them. But it was the photo album that brought me to tears. It said, “You’re all we ever wanted.”

“Austin,” I wept, unable to form words with all the emotions coursing through me.

“I drove by a baby store the other day, and I couldn’t help myself. Don’t cry, babe.” He wiped away my tears. “I know she’s a girl. I feel it.”

I sniffled. “This is the worst thing you could do to a pregnant woman. I’m going to be crying for days.”

“Then I’ll be wiping away your tears for days.”

“I never thought...” I expressed, getting choked up. “I mean I hoped, I prayed… I just never thought you would make it back to me.” I started crying harder, imagining life without him.

My biggest fear.

Losing him again.

“I’ll never leave you again, baby. I’m not going anywhere. I owe my life to you. In every sense of the meaning. I love you.”

He kissed me, grabbing the onesie that said, “My other girl.” Placing it on my belly.

We sat there for the rest of the day, planning the rest of our lives. That finally included.

A family.

A piercing pain in my stomach woke me out of a dead sleep. I immediately placed my hand on where the pain was radiating from.

“Austin,” I whimpered, recoiling into a fetal position.

He stirred, his arm that was draped over me slightly moving.

“Hmm…” he groaned still sleeping.

“Austin, I can’t… oh my God… Austin,” I stammered, the pain unbearable.

“Baby?” He sat up instantly, blinking away the sleep. “You okay? What’s wron—”

“Ah!” I moaned out in excruciating pain, tightening the hold on my stomach.  

He pulled the sheet off us.

“Fuck! Baby, don’t move. You’re bleeding. Fuck! There’s blood everywhere.”

I heard him fumbling in the linen closet for towels as I lay there in a pool of my own blood and worst nightmare.

“No!” I cried, already knowing what was happening. “No! Please, no!”

“Shh… it’s okay.” He took a towel and wiped the blood off between my legs. “Baby, we need to get you to the hospital right now. You have lost a lot of blood. Hang on, okay. I love you.”

He picked me up off the bed in a cradle position, and I instantly curled into his chest.

“It’s okay, baby. You’re fine,” he reassured, kissing my head as he carried me to the car.

He sat me in the passenger seat and leaned it back for me to lie down. He didn’t let go of my hand the entire time he drove. I not only cried out from the pain but for the news we were about to receive. It didn’t matter what comforting words Austin kept saying to me.

It wouldn’t change the truth.

They immediately wheeled me back into the ER where the doctor did an examination and an ultrasound to confirm what was going on. One minute we had all the happiness in the world, and the next it was ripped away from us without so much as a goodbye.

I wanted nothing more than to block out the next few hours of our lives.

“Is it something that I did?” I asked the doctor, only looking at Austin who appeared as broken as I felt.

There was a familiar gaze in his eyes, one that I hadn’t seen in years.

Lost.

Devastated that our baby was no longer with us.

“No. Sometimes these things just happen. But the good news in this situation is that you got pregnant without a problem and you’re still young. In a few months, you can definitely try again. I’m going to keep you here for a couple hours just to monitor the bleeding and if all goes well, you will be able to go home soon.”

The good news… I wanted to tell him that there was no good news at this moment.

Only tragedy.

He left the room, leaving Austin and I to grieve over what we just lost. What we both wanted so badly.

Our baby.

I was discharged mid-morning, scheduling an appointment with my OBGYN for the next day.

“Are you okay, Austin?” I whispered loud enough for him to hear.

The silence was deafening in the car on the way home. Both of us consumed with the dark state of thoughts. He barely said more than a few words the entire time at the hospital.

He nodded, reaching for my hand. “Are you okay?” His intense stare remained on the road ahead as if it pained him to look at me.

I didn’t know what was the right or wrong answer so I went for the safe one.

“They said we could try again in a few months. I don’t have to go back on the pill. We could try—”

He squeezed my hand stopping me from continuing.

“Yeah…” I breathed out, leaning my pounding head back on the headrest to aimlessly look out the window.

Watching the streetlights and trees blur by.

Home was the last place I wanted to be, but we ended up going there anyway. Austin made me some tea and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Sitting beside me on the couch, he pulled me into his arms. I leaned into his embrace, fighting back my tears and the emotions threatening to surface. All his warmth was replaced by an unfamiliar frigidness.

I didn’t want to cry. I knew he was hurting, and the last thing I wanted to do was light the match to the fire that I could already smell burning. I laid my head on his shoulder, his tense arm tightly wrapped around me.

He kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry, Daisy,” he murmured, letting his lips linger there.

I didn’t know what he was apologizing for, and I was too scared to ask.

“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

My resolve was starting to break the tighter he held me against his cold body. It felt like all his warmth left with our baby. As if he was waiting for me to breakdown, waiting for me to lash out, waiting for something that maybe didn’t have anything to do with me. I was so worried about him that I couldn’t even contemplate what just happened. I couldn’t mourn the loss of our baby because I was terrified that I would soon mourn the loss of the man sitting beside me.

The one that took years to make it back to me.

Loving an addict was like being on a roller coaster with no seat belt on. You had no idea when it was going to turn. You’re just confused, disoriented, fearful, praying...

All you could do was hang on for dear life and hope that it didn’t kill you.

“Do you think—” He stopped himself, leaning over me to grab his beer from the table.

“What?” I peered up at him. “What were you going to say?”

He wouldn’t look at me. Not for one second. He shook his head, taking a swig of his beer. Polishing it off with one gulp.

He didn’t need to say it. I knew what he was thinking.

“It’s no one’s fault, Austin. You heard the doctor. He said these things just happen, usually for no reason at all. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s not me I’m blaming.”

I tried to jerk free, but he held me tighter into his chest.

“Baby, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I just… I love you… we can do whatever you want. You want to try for another baby, I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said with a tone void of any emotion, still blankly staring at the wall in front of us.

It hurt immensely that he couldn’t even look at me. He wasn’t able to look me in the eyes and tell me what he really meant by that.

“Austin—”

“Briggs, stop. I’ll hold you for as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. I can promise you that. I just can’t talk right now, okay? I just want to sit here with you in my arms. I just want to feel you. That’s all.”

Tears threatened to surface as I bowed my head in defeat. He lightly skimmed his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes holding onto the love we shared, the last four years, the first four of our relationship, the memories, anything I could cling onto for hope.

Exhaustion won the battle I was fighting. I fell asleep silently crying in Austin’s arms on the couch. I woke up from a dream, except before I even opened my eyes I realized I was alone. My memory blanket securely placed on top of me. The darkness from the outside world was shadowing in through the sliding glass doors.

Revealing the truths I already knew.

I whipped the blanket off of me, needing to find him. My feet moved on their own accord to the room that was going to be our baby’s. I just had a feeling that I would find him there.

As soon as I walked in I saw him, his demons prevailed. My fears went unheard. He didn’t even try to hide it. I don’t know if that was better or worse. He peered up at me with his vacant constricted pupils.

His blue eyes so illuminated.

So hollow.

So. Fucking. High.

<>Austin<>

I tried.

I swear to God on our love. On Briggs’ life. On our unborn babies.

I. Fucking. Tried.

I sat there for hours holding her, praying that it would be enough to keep me strong. To hold me together. To hold me back from what was calling for me, what my mind and body craved. After she passed out, I still sat there not wanting to let her go. Letting the night’s events play out in my head, trying to understand what it all meant.

When I saw the blood in between her legs, it didn’t even register in my mind what was going on. I just wanted to get her to the emergency room to make sure she was okay. Not once did I think that it could be our baby. The thought never crossed my fucking mind. When the doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

In seconds.

And I’m not talking about the life I was currently leading. From that moment I felt it.

My sobriety.

My recovery.

My demons were emerging from the darkness, sitting right on my goddamn shoulder, whispering, lurking, and fucking waiting.

I ignored it. Almost like you did to an itch that needed to be scratched.

I thought if I held her. If I had her in my arms, I’d be able to fight off the demons. Knowing that if I relapsed, I could lose her. I could lose everything I ever wanted. But it didn’t matter because I already felt like I lost another part of me. Of us, and nothing was bringing our baby back.

I felt guilty for not sharing my many emotions and thoughts, things that I didn’t want to say out loud, not wanting them to be true. That was my first mistake.

In the end.

The craving won.

There I was lying in the same bed where we spent almost three months talking about the future. Planning our lives. The very life that included our baby. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get a choice. A say.

Again.

I turned my head and came face to face with an angel. My whole life was standing in the doorway with nothing but disgust and disappointment in her eyes. Then it hit me…

The cause was lying in bed limply holding a needle in his hand.

Me.

Again.

Briggs didn’t have to look down at my arm to know, my eyes always told her the truth.

“Four years, Austin. Four fucking years,” she said her voice breaking. “Why? Of all things why did you have to use that one? Or any of them?”

I took in her distress before I simply stated, “I wanted to see her.”

She immediately put her hand over her mouth, fervently shaking her head back and forth.

“That’s not fair! You cannot play that card every goddamn time life throws you a fucking curve ball.”

“It’s the truth.”

Tears streamed down her beautiful face, and I resisted the urge to comfort her. Too caught up in my own misery.

“I’m hurting too, Austin. You know the real fucked-up part is that I knew this was going to happen. The minute you lifted the sheets and saw the blood. I couldn’t contemplate what was going on because I was too fucking worried about you. How is that fair to me? I can’t mourn the death of our baby because of you!”

I watched each one of her tears fall down the sides of her face, one right after the other. Playing out in slow motion, absorbing into the wooden floor below.

“I’m sorr—”

“Stop, right there. I know exactly what you’re going to say. ‘I’m sorry, Briggs, I’m so fucking sorry.’ Am I right? Did I hit the nail on the head, Austin?”

“Baby, I really am so fucking sorry.”

She visibly cringed at my apology, and I knew why. I hadn’t said that to her in so damn long. It even felt foreign coming from my lips.

“I promise I won’t do it again. I swear to you. I just needed something to take away the pain. Something to cloud my mind from what was going on. It was a one-time thing. Look.” I showed her the needle in my hand. “No more left. I only got enough for one time. I won’t put you through this again. I can’t.”

“Austin, this is the same story, just a different time. How can I—”

“I don’t lie to you. I’ve never lied to you.”

She took a deep breath unsure with how to respond. I got up and went to her. Backing her against the wall, caging her in with my arms. Her eyes instantly went to my forearm where I had used. I lowered it, grabbing her chin to look at me instead.

We locked eyes even though I knew it was the last place she wanted to focus on right now.

“Four years, Briggs. Four fucking years. Trust me. I made a mistake. I know that. You know that…” I let go of her chin and kissed along her face. “Where’s my girl? Where’s my Daisy? Hmm...”

I could feel her melting against my touch.

“I love you more than anything. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

I kissed along her lips, beckoning them to open for me.

They did.

She let me in just like I knew she would. I kissed her with everything I had, wanting her to feel my apology. To feel my undying love for her. My hand went to the nook of her neck pulling her closer as my tongue assaulted hers. She let out a soft moan and pulled away, breaking our connection. I pecked her lips a few more times, moving down her neck and back up to her lips, kissing her one last time.

“You can’t do this to me again,” she murmured against my lips. “Please, I can’t—”