Craving Absolution (6 page)

Casper

I couldn
’t stop staring at her.

We spent the morning with Gram and my two
-year-old nephew, and watching the three of them together was a fucking revelation. I hadn’t realized how tense it had become between Farrah and me until the tension was gone and I got to see her as she actually was.

The girl was funny.

The facial expressions I’d caught in the past were a small fraction of her arsenal. She had the most expressive face I’d ever seen, which was pretty amazing because she could also lock it down to the point that you wouldn’t even be able to tell if she was happy or mad. For the first time I was inside the inner sanctum, able to gauge every reaction—but only because she was allowing me—and it was a hell of a place to be.

I guess Callie
’s call was about more than checking in. My sister had decided to finally move from Sacramento to Oregon to be with her man, so Gram and Farrah were in full-on planning mode, making lists and shit for all the things they needed to do. I knew Gram would follow Callie, but I couldn’t help the smile on my face as Farrah told Gram she was going with them.

I caught
Farrah’s eye as we sat across from each other at Gram’s scarred-up table, the shy smile on her face making my entire fucking day. I wanted to take her back to bed that very second, but even if we hadn’t been in the middle of a conversation with my grandmother, the massive hard-on I was suddenly sporting wouldn’t have allowed me to stand up from the table.
Goddamn
. The woman wound me up without even trying.

Farrah
insisted on taking Will with us that afternoon to the Laundromat and to buy boxes from a moving company. There was something about the way she and the boy played off each other that had my chest tightening. It wasn’t a maternal thing, really, but the way she loved on him and knew exactly what he needed and how to take care of him made me feel stupidly proud, really proud.

You could see the connection between them—not surprising since he
’d lived with her his entire life—but it was more than that. Farrah would kill for him, and it showed in the way she held him protectively and watched him like a hawk. She loved that boy with an intensity that matched my own, and it made me dig her even more than I already did.

By
late that afternoon, we’d finally made it back from our errands. I didn’t know how she was so unruffled when I felt like dropping the baby at Gram’s and taking off on my bike to get some quiet. Will was bouncing off the walls, exhausted because he hadn’t gotten his nap, and asked every two seconds for his mom and dad. The poor kid had rarely been without both of them at the same time, and he’d finally reached his limit as we’d packed Farrah’s clean clothes into the trunk of her car. He’d cried the entire way home, and when we got there, refused to stand more than a foot away from the front door, as if he was waiting for Callie to come through it. It was sad as hell . . . and gave me a massive headache.

“
Hey, Will! You want some Cheerios, dude?” Farrah asked calmly as she strode out of the kitchen holding a little bowl of dry cereal.

“
Wan’ Mama.”

“
Yeah, I hear ya, buddy,” she told him with a sigh as she crouched down in front of him, the long skirt of her dress pooling around her on the floor. “Mommy and Daddy are on their way. You sure you don’t want any of these absolutely scrumptious little o’s?’

She popped a piece into her mouth with an exaggerated look of pleasure, and I couldn
’t help but smile when Will walked between her knees and laid his head on her shoulder, then grabbed a Cheerio from the bowl with his chubby little fingers.

“
Only a little bit longer, bud,” she murmured gently, kissing the top of his head.

She stayed that way, crouched down in front of him while he leaned his body into hers
for a few minutes, before he scooted back to sit on one of her thighs. He was standing on her dress and as he moved, pulled the dress down until she dropped the Cheerios to the floor as she scrambled to catch her neckline before her tits came popping out. I watched the surprise on her face while Will pushed at her, and in what seemed like slow motion, they both toppled over and burst into laughter.

“
My legs are like Jell-O!” she screeched at him, pulling him up so he was straddling her belly. “You’re getting too big, Wilfred.”

“
No Wilfred!” he yelled back, giggling.

“
Wilbur?”

“
No!”

“
Wilhelmina?”

“
No!”

“
Will-you-take-me-out-to-dinner?”

“
No!”

They
got louder and louder, completely oblivious to the world around them as Will belly laughed, bending at the waist like he couldn’t hold himself up any longer, his sturdy little body shaking Farrah’s underneath him.

“
Well, what is it then?” she asked in mock exasperation, their faces close together.

“
Willam Butter Hawtorn!” Will yelled back, spraying spit all over Farrah’s face.

“
Oh, right. Well, that’s boring,” she told him, rolling her eyes with a huge smile on her face as she nonchalantly wiped off the spit.

It was clear the argument was a familiar one by the way they
each played their parts, and I watched in awe as Will’s face relaxed for the first time in hours. He rubbed his eyes blearily before lying down flat on Farrah’s chest and reaching up to grab one of her loose curls so he could run his fingers through it. They were flat on the old carpet that I knew Farrah hated, but she made no move to get up as she rubbed his back softly.

“
My William.” She sighed softly before she closed her eyes and began humming.

I hated interrupting because I knew she
’d forgotten that I was even in the room, but I couldn’t just stand there watching anymore. As I stepped closer to them, her eyes popped open and she gave me a sleepy smile. It was the most beautiful she’d ever looked.

I couldn
’t stop myself from reaching down and picking her up, cradling her and Will at the same time and carrying them to the couch. Will had already passed out, and he didn’t move a muscle as I pulled the cushions off the back of the couch so Farrah could scoot in, leaving room for me to lie down next to them.

“
You gut me,” I whispered as I wrapped my arm over the two of them.

“
Because I pretend I don’t know your nephew’s name?” she asked with a smile, linking her fingers with mine as she closed her eyes.

I wasn
’t sure how to explain it, shit,
I
didn’t even know what it was, so I kept my mouth shut as I watched her fall asleep. I finally closed my eyes, listening to Will’s soft snores, and at some point I eventually passed out.

I woke up
sweaty and hot as hell when I heard voices outside the front door, and watched sleepily as it unlocked and opened, Grease directing my sister into the apartment with a small slap on her ass.

“
Shhh!” she whispered to Grease, catching sight of us on the couch. “They’re sleeping. That’s so freaking cute!”

I nodded my head at Grease
, then glared at Callie as she whipped a camera from her purse and proceeded to take a shit ton of pictures.

“
Pretend like you’re sleeping!” she whispered, pausing in front of us.

I pulled my arm from Will
’s sweaty back, the kid was like a furnace, and rolled gently off the couch instead, leaving Farrah and the baby undisturbed as I pulled Callie in for a hug.

“
I missed you, little brother,” she mumbled into my chest, squeezing me hard.

“
You too.” I kissed her on the top of her head. “Will’s getting huge.”

“
I know, right?” She leaned back to look up at me with a huge grin on her face. “He’s a little tank.”

“
Not surprising since his dad’s a fucking monster,” I said, teasing her and enjoying the way her face lit up for the first time in over a year. “Everything good with you guys?”

“
I don’t know how he put up with my shit for so long,” she said sheepishly.

“
Bad shit happens, sis. It always will. But you’ve got a man that loves you, and after all this shit, you know he’s not leaving. Just be thankful for that and stop worrying about stuff you can’t change.”

“
When did you become . . . a man?” She searched my face in surprise.

“
Last night,” I answered with a dramatic leer, lifting my eyebrows up and down.

“
You’re fucking disgusting!” She laughed, pinching the skin on my side.

“
Hey, Sugar, you have a phone charger?” Grease called quietly from her bedroom, taking her attention away from me instantly.

“
I’m gonna go help him. You guys have dinner yet?” she asked, already walking away.

“
No, we crashed a couple of hours ago. Have you seen Gram yet?”

“
Yeah, we thought Will was with her so we stopped there first. She said she’d make dinner for everyone, someone just needs to go let her know.” She paused outside her bedroom door, her gaze roaming over me. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

She spun around and entered the bedroom before I could reply, so I made my way into the kitchen. I wasn
’t sure if I should wake Farrah up or not, but figured I’d wait until I knew what Callie’s plans were. We’d barely gotten any sleep the night before, and Farrah needed the rest.

Thinking about her body needing rest brought to mind another thing that had
been bothering me, but I knew last night hadn’t been the time to say anything to her about it.

She was skinny.

For as long as I’d known her, Farrah had had a pretty slender body—small tits, very little ass, and a tiny waist. Her weight seemed to fluctuate pretty often, only a few pounds making a big difference in the way she looked, but this was the smallest I’d ever seen her. She didn’t necessarily look sick, but it wouldn’t be very long before she did.

I
’d watched her as we had breakfast with Gram, and hadn’t noticed anything off, but I had no idea what I was even looking for. She looked so delicate and fragile, completely at odds with her personality, and it freaked me out to the point of being nervous I was going to accidentally hurt her when we had sex. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but at some point I had to say something to her about it, and I dreaded her reaction.

“
Did Will do okay?” Grease rumbled quietly, jerking me out of my train of thought as he came into the kitchen.

“
Yeah, he was fine. Farrah’s good with him, and he does good with Gram,” I answered, pulling two beers out of the fridge.

“
I see your balls finally dropped,” he said with a head tilt in Farrah’s direction and a shit-eating grin.

“
Fuck off,” I shot back, then downed half the beer he handed me in one go. “She was dealing with a lot of shit. I was giving her some time.”

“
I know, brother.” Grease’s face fell. “Just fuckin’ with you.”

“
You and Callie good?”

“
Yep. Finally moving on, I think.” He took a sip of his beer and sat down on the stool as Callie came into the kitchen.

“
I’m going to go help Gram with dinner,” she told us, leaning in to give Grease a kiss. “Wake Will up in fifteen, would you? If we don’t, he’s going to be up all night.”

“
Got it,” he mumbled, pulling her in for another kiss that made my stomach turn. Fuck, Farrah was going to need to get her own apartment in Oregon so I didn’t have to see that shit.

We were quiet as we watched
Callie walk out, but as soon as the door closed, Grease’s gaze came back to me.

“
I’m gonna feel a hell of a lot better when her shit’s actually moved.”

I didn
’t blame him. Grease and Callie had been playing this game for a long-ass time, and the move had never happened. He’d been driving from Eugene to Sacramento for years just to spend little bits of time with her. Every time they decided she’d move north, something would happen to derail their plans. I didn’t know if I’d be that patient in his position, waiting and waiting on the mother of my child to actually move in with me.

I was just glad I wasn
’t going to have to deal with that shit with Farrah.

Farrah

“
I have my own money, I don’t need you to pay my moving expenses,” I told Callie for the fourth time in an hour.

“
But you’re going to need that money to buy furniture and live until you find a job,” she argued back, her eyes narrowed in defiance.

We
’d gone back and forth since we’d sat down for dinner about how we’d split up the moving costs, and three hours later we were no closer to a resolution. The guys had taken one look at our stubborn faces and hadn’t said a word as we’d argued in circles, and they’d eventually moved out of the danger zone to watch cartoons with Will.

I wondered how Grease felt about paying for even more of my shit, but I was sure he wouldn
’t have argued with Callie even if it bothered him. They’d finally gotten their relationship worked out, and I knew he wouldn’t willingly upset the apple cart.

They
were being super generous, offering to pay for the moving van and gas to get us to Oregon, but allowing them to do it made me uncomfortable. No, uncomfortable didn’t fully encompass my emotions on the subject. Frankly, it made me feel ashamed, like I was a charity case. For a long time I’d taken advantage of their generosity, living in their apartment and eating their food while I lost my damn mind, but that Farrah was gone. I made okay money at the salon where Callie and I worked, and I’d been paying my half of the expenses for a while now. I was proud of the fact that I could pay my own way, and she was embarrassing me by acting like I couldn’t take care of myself.

“
Why don’t Farrah and I share an apartment? That way she doesn’t have to worry about furniture and all that nonsense just yet, and I’ll have some company.” Gram spoke up with a reassuring pat on my hand, trying to defuse the tension at the table.

“
No.”

My head spun
so fast toward Cody, I must have looked like that chick from
The Exorcist
.

“
Why the hell do you think you get a vote?” I asked incredulously as he and Grease stood up and came toward us.

“
You’re not sharing an apartment with Gram,” he said, obviously unconcerned with my attitude.

“
I’m pretty sure you’re not a part of this conversation,” I said with a sneer, turning away from him in dismissal.

I caught Callie
’s wide eyes as she looked back and forth between us, and wanted to hit something as speculation showed clearly on her face.

“
Yeah, that probably isn’t going to work, Farrah,” she told me apologetically, as if trying to find a diplomatic way to tell me I was crazy. “Aren’t you guys together now? I mean—”

“
No!”

“
Yes.”

I
whipped back around to find Cody glaring at me.

“
Wait, but I thought—” Callie’s words were quieted by Grease as Cody stalked toward me, and I realized we probably should have discussed whatever it was we were doing before airing the dirty laundry in front of our family.

“
Farrah and I are going to bed,” Cody told everyone, his face emotionless as he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. “We’ll finish this shit in the morning.”

I buried my
forehead against his back in embarrassment as he carried me out of Gram’s and over to my apartment. But as soon as he set me down in my bedroom, I let loose.

“
What the fuck are you doing?” I hissed, overly aware of the group of people next door, probably waiting silently for a chance to hear our fight.

“
Why the hell would you say we aren’t together?” he bitched back, sitting down on my bed to take his boots off.

I walked to my dresser
, pulling my dress off as soon as I reached it. “Just because we had sex once or three times doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship,” I informed him snottily, choosing a large T-shirt from my pajama drawer. I pulled it on and spun around, stalking toward the bed as he undressed silently beside it. “We never said anything about being together. You said I was pretty, kissed my neck a few times, and we had sex. That’s it! That doesn’t mean you can make decisions or have any say about where I freaking live!”

We crawled into bed from opposite sides
, and I made a big show of pulling the blankets all the way to my neck before turning my head to look at him. He was lying on his back, one arm behind his head and the other resting on his chest, seemingly relaxed.

“
Say something!” I hissed, and smacked the bed between us in frustration.

His head slowly turned my way, and he was completely calm as he rolled the rest of his body toward me until half of it was pinning me to the bed.

“I didn’t say you were pretty. Lots of girls are pretty, Ladybug, and they’re nothing special. You’re fucking beautiful, inside and out.”

My breath stuttered at his intense look, and I swallowed hard.

“And I know you’re mine,” he continued. “You were bitching about how we weren’t in a relationship, spouting bullshit about how it was nothing but me sweet-talking you into sex, but the moment we got in this room, you started getting ready for bed and crawled in here beside me like we’ve done it a thousand times before. That’s not a woman having casual sex.”

My jaw dropped as realization dawned, but he wrapped his arms around me before I could bolt out of the bed.

“We may have just started
this
, but you can’t pretend that this is where
we
started. We’ve been building on this shit for years, and I’m not going to pretend that you’re just a random fuck to me. I don’t care if that pisses you off.” He leaned down to bite my neck lightly before lifting his head again with a small smile. “You living with Gram would seriously fuck with our sex life. You really want to fuck me with Gram in the next room blaring Dwight Yoakam?”

He was right
; living with Gram really would mess with whatever we had going. I just wasn’t sure that I was ready to live alone, so when Gram offered, I’d jumped at the chance to share a place with her. Deciding to get my own apartment just because I wanted to get freaky with Cody didn’t seem like the smartest plan, and I felt my panic begin to rise as my comfortable life seemed to drift further and further away. I wanted comfort, and after growing up the way I had, I needed it.

“
I don’t know if I can do this,” I warned him quietly, my heart racing. “I don’t think I can.”

“
Ladybug, you don’t need to do anything.” He tipped my face up to his and brushed his lips lightly over mine. “This is just you and me. There’s no big agenda or reason to put labels on shit. It just
is
. You’re already doing it.”

I didn
’t answer him, my throat tightening in panic until he leaned down again to kiss my lips, then slid his tongue into my mouth with a low growl. His touch worked like the best anti-anxiety meds I’d ever taken, instantly relaxing me.

I
didn’t know if it was because I knew from experience that he’d never hurt me, or if it were just instinct, but for some reason he was one of the few people I trusted implicitly. But even though I knew he was trustworthy, it didn’t stop the big red sign in the back of my mind from flashing
Danger!
over the situation we were in.

Cody’s
hands skated under my T-shirt, pulling it farther and farther up as he smoothed the tips of his fingers over my torso, and before long he pulled it over my head and dropped it off the side of the bed, leaving me in nothing but my panties.

I heard Callie and Grease come in the front door as he leaned down to pull one of my nipples into his mouth
, and the pressure of trying to stay silent while he pulled and tugged with his teeth created an intensity that I had no hope of controlling. I ran my fingernails up his back as he switched to the other nipple, and as soon as he let it pop out of his mouth, I pushed his head away from my body so I could scoot down enough to reach his boxer briefs.

“
In a hurry?” he asked jokingly, breathing heavily.

“
Are you complaining?”

“
Fuck no. Take ’em off.”

We laughed quietly as we scrambled with the last pieces of clothing keeping us apart
, still snickering as we tore into the box of condoms Cody had bought earlier in the day, finally growing serious as he lay down on his back and pulled me on top of him.

“
Ride me,” he rasped, his hands moving from my hips to my throat and back again. “Hard and fast, Ladybug.”

I
nodded once before reaching down to position him.
This
I could handle. Sex between us was fantastic; it was all the other stuff that had me worried. I steadily pressed against him, feeling my muscles inside adapt to his size, but I wasn’t quite ready for him so I only made it halfway down on the first stroke. I didn’t want to say anything, knowing from experience that within two more passes I’d be wet enough for things to feel great, but Cody must have noticed because he grabbed my hips and stopped me before I could drop down a second time.

“
Fuck, I’m sorry,” he said, letting go with one hand to put two fingers in his mouth. “I’ll get you ready.”

I jolted as his slick fingers swept between my legs, rolling around my clit in slow circles as if he wasn
’t in any kind of hurry. I was quiet as I watched what he was doing to me, and it only took seconds before I was beyond ready.

“
Now,” I mumbled frantically, reaching back down to position him. “Please.”

H
e dislodged his cock and slid his fingers into me once before a low sound of approval came from his throat, then he pulled his hand away so I had room to maneuver.

Once again
I positioned him and dropped down, this time taking him to the hilt in one long glide. We both moaned louder than we should have at the sensation, and it wasn’t long before he was staring at my breasts as I bounced above him.

“
Son of a bitch.” He groaned, one of his hands dropping to my clit so his thumb could rub gently, matching the rhythm of my movements. It took me a while to come, it always did, but he kept up the pace and didn’t give up until I was coming apart above him as he watched me. As soon as I was done, he used both hands to pull me down as his hips thrust up off the bed, his jaw clenching, nostrils flaring, and a quiet grunt leaving his throat when he came.

We had to make a very uncomfortable trip to the bathroom, hearing Callie and Grease
’s low murmurs from her room as we passed it, but soon we crawled back into bed together, all embarrassment forgotten in exchange for exhaustion. He pulled me so that I lay on top of him, and I listened to his heartbeat and breathing slow as he fell asleep, my stomach a mass of nerves.

If we did this
—if we tried to make it work and became a couple—I’d eventually screw it up. I knew with certainty that for one reason or another I wouldn’t be able to keep him. What made it even worse was that I wouldn’t be able to keep
them
either. Cody’s family were the only real family I’d ever known, and I was risking losing them in order to have him.

Falling in with Cody was like playing with
a fire that could burn my family’s house to the ground, yet I continued to move closer and closer to the flames.