Crimes of the Heart (21 page)

“Not really. I was just trying to catch up on some things.”

“I’ll let you go then.”

“No, dollface, don’t.” Emotion filled his plea and tore at her soul.

Glancing toward the pillow bedecked headboard on the bed, she shifted so now her back leaned against the fluffy mound.

“Jewel, are you still there?”

Still holding his pillow close, she answered, “Yeah, just getting comfortable.”

“Good.” He paused. “What are you wearing?”

Puzzled, she said, “Your shirt, why?”

Another groan ripped across the distance. “Christ, I knew it. I’ve been sitting here every night picturing you in that shirt. With that and the fact you hardly wear any panties, you can’t even begin to guess how many cold showers I’ve taken since leaving Connecticut.”

She giggled as warmth spread through her bloodstream. “Not as many as I have.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Hah, I’ve got to sleep alone in the same bed where we’ve made love. You don’t.”

“You win.” She heard the grin in his voice and smiled.

Another lengthy, awkward silence rained. Jewel twisted the phone cord around a finger, trying to think of something to say to keep him on the line for just a little bit longer. She yearned to ask him the question at the forefront of her mind but feared she’d alienate him even more.

“You’re not going to ask it, are you, dollface?” When she didn’t talk, he continued, “I’ll be home in a few days. There’s a mountain of stuff I’ve got to take care of.”

Tears burned her eyes and she blinked rapidly, trying to will them away. He’d answered her unspoken query but not to her liking. “I understand, really I do.” Clearing her throat, she said, “You should see the shenanigans Sean and Kev are cooking up for the Halloween party in a couple of weeks. I don’t dare throw any trash out without our son picking through it for his various decorations and games.”

His chuckle chased away her overwhelming despair. Only a lingering sadness remained. “He’s been filling me in everyday.” He hesitated for a moment, and then said, “I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me, not after the other night when you asked for a divorce.”

An invisible hand squeezed her heart. “I don’t really want one, Devon. I just can’t see any other way. You’re stuck in the past. You have been for years, maybe even all your life. Well, at least since your dad died.”

“I owe it to him and my family.” The harshness of his tone pierced her core.

“Don’t you see? Sean and I are your only family left. Your mom is, too, but she’s being provided for the best way possible.”

“Are you saying you’re not?”

She cringed inwardly. “Not the way I want to be.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Pressing her fingertips to the dull pain that throbbed to life, she massaged her right temple. “Forget it, okay?”

“You pick a fine time to bring this up, then just as quickly you’re dismissing it.”

Releasing a shaky breath, she dropped her hand and gathered her courage. “You
need
me for your little game of vengeance. Just once, Devon, I want to be
wanted
for me.” Her heart beat stilled, awaiting his response to her most precious desire.

“I always wanted
you
,” he whispered softly, shaking her. “It wasn’t for the money or even how beautiful you were and still are.” She heard the anguish and it made her ache. “I admit, I planned on seducing you when we were teenagers, getting you to help me find out the truth, then throwing everything in your father’s face.”

Gasping, she hated discovering what she’d always suspected but had never had confirmed before now. “Damn you, Devon Marshall!”

“I deserved that and a whole lot more. But what you failed to remember is I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t rip your heart out and stomp on it because I loved you so damn much it still hurts.” The roughness lacing his voice gave proof to his declaration.

The hot tears she’d held at bay began to roll down her cheeks now. He
had
wanted her then but obviously not enough to stay, to drop his revenge. Sniffing, she scrubbed at the moisture on her face. “So you married me, then deserted me for twelve years, was that a better option?”

“Christ, I should have stayed away, but you had this pull on me. Still do,” he muttered.

“Why, Devon, just answer me that? It wasn’t just because I wouldn’t leave with you, was it?”

He let out a gusty sigh that told her more than words could ever hint at. “No, all right? You could do a hell of a lot better than me. I’m a bastard son of an adulterer and most likely a thief. And my mother hopped into bed with your father the first chance she got to save herself and me from being thrown out on the streets. I’m nothing, and you’re everything.”

She balled her hand into a fist as a mixture of anger and frustration welled inside her. “That’s not true. Do you think I care about any of that stuff? I fell in love with the young man who cared that I hurt, too, who was the only one that gave a damn about my feelings, who showed me my first sign of compassion and empathy in years, and who showered me with love.”

“Oh, dollface,” he said on a moan. “All that died in me a long time ago.”

“Oh no, it didn’t. You think you erased it, but you haven’t. It’s still there, but you’re afraid to show it, especially to me.”

“You see only what you want to see, Jewel, you always have.”

“I see what’s in your heart,” she challenged fiercely. “I see how you treat our son with love and respect. You’re so good with Kev, too. And if you could only know how much you’ve helped Cyrus by hiring him to work with the horses. For the first time in a long time someone truly knows he can still contribute to something special, that he’s just not a dried-up, old man, but a man
worth
something. Just like you are. I even see how you still do things for me, pretending you owe me for the long absence. You do them because you still love me.”

“I never said I didn’t.”

That stopped her cold. “You just can’t have a future with me, is that it?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I can’t cut myself off like you do, ending my dreams for the years to come. I need some hope to survive.”

The vicious muttered curse that came over the line shocked her. “I can’t give you more than what I am.”

“You mean, you
won’t
.” She hesitated, taking deep, steadying breaths. A fresh trickle of tears slid down her face as she realized the condemning prophecy for them both. Softly, she said, “And I can’t keep giving less than who I am. It’s either all or nothing for us, Devon. You decide.” Gently she replaced the receiver in its cradle as sobs racked her body.

Devon heard the unmistakable dial tone buzz in his ear. “Damn!” He tossed the cell phone down and rose to pace the living room.

The pristine décor only added to his err. Black leather furniture and glass-topped tables with chrome finishings surrounded him in the penthouse apartment. Cold. Instantly, his thoughts jetted to Jewel’s decorating efforts.
Warm. Cozy. Home.

“Lord, I miss that woman.” His heart ached with each word. The hollowness in his core vibrated with emptiness.

His gaze landed on the yellow paper gripped in his hand. He’d been studying Sean’s list for long minutes right before she called, memorizing each item uniquely special to his Jewel, his romantic. She’d changed so much, gaining a vein of strength, courage, and determination that stunned him at times. Yet, at the heart of her, she’d stayed the same, sweet woman he’d loved years ago.

Glancing back at the phone, he willed it to ring, willed her to call him once again. Its silence echoed in the large, modern room.

The mounds of paperwork littering the couch and coffee table should be dealt with without delay. But he held little passion for his work tonight. “Hell, I haven’t had that same spark since I came back. My mind wanders to Jewel all the time. And when the days used to fly by, now the hours drag until I can call Sean after he gets home from school everyday.”
What the hell’s happening to me?

His business partner had obviously picked up on the change in him. Tate, newly engaged, had suggested they sell the company so he could go off sailing and Devon could be with his family permanently.

Grimacing now, Devon wondered if Tate even had a clue as to how tempting and frightening that prospect appeared to him at this very moment. “She’s still the untouchable princess. Still forbidden to a poor boy like me.”

Blowing out a breath, he dragged a hand through his hair, staring at the black cell phone. A half smile formed as he recalled Jewel’s words. “So, you see what’s in my heart, do you? Well, dollface, there’s only been room for revenge for years.”

A thought struck him. “God, that’s a bald-faced lie.”

Since leaving her years ago, it seemed as if he’d been in constant rehabilitation, purging his soul of Jewel. For the most part, he assumed it had worked; there had been only images, memories, or thoughts of her once in a while.

But now, he realized she’d been there every step of the way with him, only he’d buried it deep down, afraid to allow his love to surface, afraid to hurt again. She’d always occupied a tiny pocket of his heart. “And always will,” he murmured, shaking from the startling revelation.

He’d figured he could walk away this time without regrets, but something his father used to say stuck out now. No one really regrets what they’ve done, it’s what they
didn’t
do that they regret the most.

Suddenly, he recalled how much remorse he experienced at not being there for his wife and son the last twelve years. With that recollection came the instant recognition that if he didn’t give it his all this time, he’d end up an old, lonely man dreaming of what might have been.

Jewel’s words from a few minutes ago came back again to haunt him. ‘I see what’s in your heart. A man worth something.’

A ripple of shock washed over him. “She never saw me as tainted in any way,” he whispered, trying to grasp ahold of the situation. Images of her as a little girl, as a teenager, and then finally as a young woman handing him the treasured handmade Valentine cards every year they’d been in school sprang to mind.

The only Valentine anyone in class had ever given me
.

“She never treated me like dirt, not like the others, not like her father had.”

But she’d claimed to love me, yet she didn’t leave town with me. Do I dare risk being rejected another time? Do I dare give her the chance to shred my heart into little pieces all over again?

Taking short, quick breaths, Devon moved to the phone. Picking it up, he punched in the series of numbers. Each ring only added to his determination. Finally on the fifth one, a man answered.

“What can I do ya fer?” The friendly Texas twang made Devon smile widely.

“Tate. Marshall here. Let’s sell.”

Five minutes later, with a lightened spirit, Devon pressed the release button, and then quickly punched in a new set of numbers. At the official sounding female voice coming from the other end, he said, “Get me the next flight out of Dallas/Fort Worth to Hartford.”

Hours later, with his bag clutched in his hand, Devon stood outside the darkened house, wondering at his upcoming reception. Would Jewel welcome him with open arms or shove him away after all the hell he’d put her through?

“Most likely kick me out once she figures out I’m getting rid of everything in Texas except the ranch. My one hold out just in case this doesn’t work.”

Frozen in place, he couldn’t bring himself to close the last few yards that separated Jewel and him. Fear held him in its grip in the chilly, cloud-covered night.

Part of him cursed himself for the weakness. The other half of him wished to extract the tissue-wrapped package he’d included among his clothes in his suitcase, and then present it to her the moment he saw her again and be done with it.

Twelve handmade Valentine cards addressed to Jewel lay nestled in a pink satin ribbon. Each one had been painstakingly created every February they’d been apart. The words he’d failed to utter to her when they’d been together were all there, his heart exposed, his soul bare.

As much as he longed to hand them over, something held him back, leftovers from a life gone by. He couldn’t quite let down his guard entirely.

Blowing out a breath, he watched the air turn it to a white frost. He should go in. But still he stayed rooted to the spot.

Something about all the pain from the past nudged his thoughts in a different direction. Marriage in general seemed to be a curse in both Jewel’s and his family. His father’s had failed, so he’d sought out his mother. Never once did his father bother to hide the fact he’d hated the institution that bound him to another woman.

“But was it marriage itself, or her?” Devon wondered aloud now.

Just as quickly, he recalled how Wainwright had claimed to adore his wife, yet once she grew ill, he’d abandoned her to nurses and turned to another woman for the last two years of his wife’s life.

“Some fine examples we’ve had,” he muttered, working out one of the puzzles of why he’d known Jewel and he would be destined for disaster right from the start. “That’s one of the reasons why I wouldn’t stay and give it a chance. That’s why I’m certain we can’t have a future.”

A tight band squeezed his chest, sending an ache throughout his body and clear to his core. “Is it really hopeless?”

An image of Sean sprang to mind. “God, what kind of legacy are we giving our son?”

He drew in a deep, shaky breath, gulping the cool air into his lungs. With it came a clarity he’d never known before. At ten, just a year younger than Sean was now, he’d lost his father, shattering the little bit of security he’d ever experienced. Three years later, Jewel had buried her mother, throwing her into a tailspin. After that neither one of them had an intact marriage to show them how it was done, Devon figured.

“But it doesn’t have to be that way. Sean just started with me where Jewel and I ended with out folks. From this point on it’s just guess work. We can create what we want, right?”