Crossing the Ice (29 page)

Josh’s hand inched under my skirt, and his thumb skimmed the inside of my thigh, stirring all my strongest desires. There was no one to interrupt us now. We didn’t have to stop.

But if I couldn’t tell him I loved him, I couldn’t do
this
. If I gave all of myself to him, I would feel that much emptier when he left.

“Josh,” I gasped as I broke our kiss.

He started to pull his hand back. “Sorry, I—”

I clutched his arm. “No, it’s… it’s not that. I… I want this. I want
you
. I’m just…”

“What is it?” He cradled my face.

“I’m so scared,” I whispered.

He rested his forehead on mine and sank his hands into my hair. His breaths hadn’t slowed yet, and I watched his chest rise and fall in quick rhythm.

“Tell me why you’re scared,” he said.

I tilted my head back to look into his eyes. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to us once you’re gone.”

“We’re gonna make it. It’s going to be hard, but we can get through it.”

I looked down and played with his tie. “I feel like we’re going to be sad all the time and wishing the days away until we see each other. Is that how we want to live?”

“Knowing we’ll be together eventually will make all the tough days worth it.”

“But that won’t be for such a long time.”

His face creased with worry. “Are you… are you not sure you want to do this?”

“I don’t know. There’s so much happening right now. I don’t know what I’m doing about school, and nationals is stressing me out already. I’m just thinking maybe I need some time to figure it all out.” My voice hitched. “Time alone.”

His hands dropped, and he took a small step backward. “How much time?”

“I think through nationals and whatever happens after that.”
Hopefully the two of us competing at the Olympics.
“And then… then we can talk.”

“So you just need space. You’re not… you’re not saying you want to end this.” He sounded as afraid to say it as he looked.

“No. I just need this time for myself.”

He let out a brief exhale and clasped my hands. “Can I still call you or text you?”

I squeezed his fingers hard as if someone was sticking me with a needle. It pained me to think of having no contact with him.

“I don’t think you should,” I said.

“So I’ll only see you at the rink,” he said, quietly strained.

I nodded slowly. “Ronnie let me add the next two weeks to my time off for nationals, so I won’t be at the restaurant.”

He stood eerily still, staring down at our hands. When he looked up, I saw how much pain this was causing him, too.

“I’ll give you whatever you need,” he said. “But I just want you to know that no amount of time or space will change how I feel about you.”

His voice was thick with emotion, and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. I couldn’t stand to see him hurting, so I shut my eyes and pressed my lips to his cheek.

“Thank you,” I managed to whisper.

“I have one request — that we don’t start this break until sunrise.” He brought our hands up to his chest. “Let me stay with you tonight.”

“Josh, I can’t…”

“I know. That’s not what I meant. I just want to have you next to me, to hold you for a little while longer.”

All the flutters returned to my stomach. “I don’t know if I can have you in my bed tonight.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust myself.”

“I promise I won’t tempt you.”

I angled my head to the side. “Just looking at you tempts me.”

His lips twitched into the slightest of smiles. “Come here.”

He grasped my hips and helped me down from the bar. With his arms completely enveloping me, he said quietly, “Please let me stay.”

I couldn’t tell him no, not after he’d agreed to be so patient with me. And it wasn’t that I wanted him to leave. I wanted him to stay more than anything. To stay the night. Stay forever.

“Okay,” I said.

He kissed the top of my head, and I rested my cheek on his chest. We stood there for how long I didn’t know, just holding onto each other. Eventually, I changed into my pajamas and brought Josh up to my room. He took off his tie but left on his shirt, and once we were under the comforter he spooned me against him.

“Don’t give up on us,” he murmured into my hair.

I tried to take in a deep breath, but I couldn’t. My chest felt so heavy, my throat so tight. My eyes watered, and I pressed my face to the pillow so it would catch my tears.

Chapter Twenty-One

I loosened my scarf and breathed in the damp night air. One of the official nationals shuttle buses would’ve taken my parents and me from the Spokane Arena to the Davenport Hotel, but I needed to walk. I had so much adrenaline still humming through me after the perfect short program Mark and I had lain down. We were in second place, less than two points behind Rebekah and Evan and less than one point ahead of Stephanie and Josh. Any one of us could grab the two Olympic spots, and I was trying not to freak out like I’d done four years earlier.

My steps grew even quicker as I thought ahead to the free skate the next afternoon. “I wish we’d drawn last to skate.”

“You’re in a good spot, being second in the final group,” Mom said. “You won’t be rushed to get ready after the warm-up.”

Second was normally my favorite because of what Mom had said, but not in a high-stakes competition such as this one. Stephanie had practically jumped up and down when she’d picked the last spot from the bag at the draw. Skating last gave the judges the chance to compare the team to all those who came before, and if the performance was great, the scores were usually higher than normal. Even if there had been equally great performances from others. It was all about giving the final impression. And Stephanie and Josh were going to have the chance to do that.

We followed the path through Riverfront Park and crossed the bridge over the Spokane River, where the whooshing rapids flowed underneath us. I’d become a fan of walking through the park to and from practice to enjoy the fresh air but also to avoid possibly running into Josh on the bus. We’d exchanged small talk at the rink back home the past two weeks, but now that the competition was upon us, I felt like I needed to be completely in my bubble. Not that he wasn’t still on my mind, but interacting with him ramped up all my emotions. The good and the bad.

My phone buzzed, and I pulled it from my jacket pocket to read the text.

Liza:
You guys were so awesome!!!! Sending you lots of virtual hugs!!!! Kick butt tomorrow, Roomie!!!!

I smiled and put away the phone. Liza was still home in New York because the senior-level events had been split into two weekends, and the ladies weren’t competing until the next week. I was going to stay in Spokane to cheer on Liza and be her roommate so she could get a break from her mom. I’d hopefully also be participating in all the celebratory events for the Olympic team members.

Olympic team.

Four-and-a-half minutes away.

I kneaded my hands and took another deep breath. I couldn’t think about it that way. That was how I’d psyched myself out the last time Mark and I were in position to make the team. I had to do what Em and Sergei had been preaching all year — focus on every moment of the program and block out everything else.
Just attack the program.

“Court?” Dad said. “Did you want dinner now?”

I’d been so lost in space I hadn’t realized Dad had been talking to me. “Oh. Yeah. I’m kinda hungry.”

We walked past the mall where the Fan Fest was being held, and dozens of red, white, and blue banners and decorations in the store windows advertised the championships. Spokane had dubbed itself “Skate City USA,” and the excitement of everyone we encountered in town made the event seem even more special. As if I needed another reason to be pumped up to skate.

Dad opened the glass door to the newer tower of the hotel, and we went straight to the restaurant off the lobby. Since it was the height of dinner time, almost all the tables were full. The hostess led us to the back of the restaurant, and I froze when I saw the empty table where we were headed. Sitting right beside it were Josh, Stephanie, and their parents.

They all looked up, but my eyes locked only on Josh. His eyes brightened as he couldn’t look away from me either. We’d done such a good job of keeping our heads down at the arena and acting like the other one didn’t exist that I hadn’t made any eye contact with him in days. And with my heart slamming against my chest I remembered why.

I quickly pivoted to Mom and Dad behind me. “Let’s eat in the bar.”

“We can see if they have another table,” Mom said.

“No, let’s just go.” I blew past the befuddled hostess.

No way was I going to sit through an entire meal of awkwardness. I didn’t know what Josh had told his parents about us… if he’d told them anything at all. If he had, they were probably cheerleading for Josh to make our break a permanent one.

I hadn’t had time yet to decide if that was what I wanted, too.

I went back into the lobby and made an immediate right into the bar. Mom and Dad caught up to me, and we slid into a leopard-print booth.

Mom gave me a concerned smile. “You okay, Honey?”

“Yeah.” I slipped my arms out of my jacket. “I knew I couldn’t avoid running into them all weekend.”

“Have you talked to Josh since you’ve been here?” she asked.

“No, we’re doing our own thing… staying focused.”

Both Mom and Dad were staring at me so much that I was glad when the waitress came to take our drink order. I asked for a glass of water and then excused myself to go to the restroom. I was sure my parents would discuss me while I was gone, but I needed a breather for a few minutes.

I walked through the lobby and turned into the hallway to the restrooms. My shoulder rammed into someone’s chest, and hands grabbed my arms, squeezing tight. My head popped up, and I discovered that someone was Josh.

As hard as my heart had been beating earlier, it had nothing on how fast it was racing now. Not only was Josh looking straight into my eyes, but he was also touching me. Everything about him was so familiar yet so new. His intoxicating cologne, the warmth of his body, the soft strength of his hands. It was as if he was holding me for the first time all over again.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

“Hey,” I said even lower.

Neither of us moved. My brain kept telling me to, but the rest of my body firmly refused. I was two seconds away from throwing myself around him when he took his hands from my arms, shocking sense back into me.

“I’m sorry you had to leave the restaurant,” he said.

“Oh, it’s… it’s okay. I just didn’t want to have any awkward confrontations.”

“Can you tell your parents I said hello?”

“Sure. I’d ask you to do the same, but it might ruin your parents’ appetites,” I said with a weak laugh.

Josh shoved his hands in his pockets and didn’t echo my laughter. He looked over my shoulder toward the restaurant, his mouth in a tight line. I had the urge to ask how he was surviving dinner with his family, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t get into all that. Skating had to be my only concern right now.

“I should let you get back,” I said and started to go around him.

“Court, wait.” He reached out, and I thought he was going to take my hand, but then he pulled his back. After a long pause, he said, “Good luck tomorrow. I mean that.”

He didn’t have to say the last part because I saw the sincerity in his clear blue eyes.

“Thanks. Good luck to you, too.”

He turned and walked away, but he glanced back at me before he rounded the corner. That one look was enough to twist me up inside again. I went into the restroom and splashed water on my face, letting the drops drip down my cheeks.

Get it together. Put him out of your mind.

I closed my eyes and kept my head bent over the sink. There would be time to think about Josh, about our future…
if
there was a future for us. I had to put all of that into a box and lock it away in the back of my mind. The only thing that mattered now was the four-and-a-half minutes I would spend on the ice the next afternoon.

I slowly lifted my head and stared into the mirror until the final drop trickled off my chin.

Everything you’ve worked for is there for the taking. So go out there and take it. Make your dream come true.

****

I strode up to the boards and positioned myself at the ice door. I wanted to be the first person on the ice for the six-minute warm-up. This was our last chance to practice before show time, and I planned to use every second to the fullest.

The arena couldn’t be more packed, and there was a palpable buzz in the air. The familiar “final group” buzz, where the anticipation had built all afternoon for this moment. The moment when the four best teams would take the ice and fight for the coveted top two spots on the podium. The two spots on the Olympic team.

I shook my head.
Don’t think about that! Focus only on the ice.

Mark and Em flanked me, and I knew Sergei was with Stephanie and Josh in the group huddled behind me, but I wasn’t going to look. All my attention was on the long sheet of ice. I bobbed up and down lightly on my skate guards, wiggled my arms, and did squats, using the boards as if it was a ballet barre. As I bounced along to the 80’s pop music blaring over the sound system, I glanced up at the clock on the scoreboard.

Let’s go already.

The event organizers must’ve heard my internal plea because one of the volunteers opened the door. I ripped off my guards and pushed off across the ice. Mark and I always stretched our legs individually first and then came together to warm up our elements. Stephanie and Josh stroked hand-in-hand past me, their light gray costumes a blur, and I pumped my knees harder, making my turns on deep edges.

Between the traffic of the other three teams I found Mark, and I reached for his hand. We worked up a world of speed and blew through our triple twist, garnering applause from the crowd. Em nodded to us behind the boards and said, “Salchows.”